Please help me help Dh with his awful mum

[Sparklydiplodocus]

Brief backstory: he has a very very strained relationship with her. She can’t get on with anybody- friends, neighbours, everyone. She picks fights with them all. She is also very self centred and manipulative. When he moved out of home in his mid 20s she bawled to him and said how can you leave me. When we moved 45 mins away for better schools she bawled again and said how can you leave me.

She makes his life a misery. She is blocked on his phone but she batters him with emails constantly. Every day. We rarely see her but she is constantly asking to see us.

So then Xmas came up. None of us want to suffer her presence and her narky little comments. So he said we wouldn’t go to her for Xmas day. She is now barraging him with emails saying how could you be so cruel, bringing up his deceased father saying what would he think of you, etc etc. Dh was up til the early hours upset.

He is adamant that if he tries to go NC she will just show up at our door. I’ve wondered if she would attempt suicide- which she did when a previous partner left her.

Please help me help him cope with it and deal with her. He is so upset today.

@EmmasMum12 no I'm not her mother in law. I'm 37, so I'm no one's mother in law!! :)

@Sparklydiplodocus

Yes she lives alone. She is alone because she is nasty to everyone. No we won’t be seeing her after her tirade.

I see, so “we” won’t be seeing her after her tirade. But your DH is very upset about not seeing her. Hmmm. How about you let your DH decide for himself whether HE wants to see her. You don’t need to be involved. There doesn’t have to be a “we” here. You’re not joined at the hip.

Tell you dh to place a marker in the emails to go straight to junk

Then he can decide if he wishes to respond or not in one go, rather than see the emails pop up in his in box all the time

He also needs to carefully think now about going NC. You jus5 can’t help some people

We are NC with my husbands mum after years of mental abuse, he is a changed man now. He had therapy and told her he didn’t want her in his life anymore. She has tried to contact a few times but he just tells her she made her bed now she can lie in it. He’s had the guilt trip, suicide threats etc but he has to focus on himself and having her in his life was dangerous.

I see, so “we” won’t be seeing her after her tirade. But your DH is very upset about not seeing her.
Hmmm.
How about you let your DH decide for himself whether HE wants to see her. You don’t need to be involved. There doesn’t have to be a “we” here. You’re not joined at the hip.

You haven’t read my posts correctly. He isn’t sad about not seeing her at all. He can’t stand her presence and everything she has put him through.

And when I see ‘we’ I mean because I’m supporting him!

There is an absolute world of difference between tears in your eyes and ‘I’m so sad, but ever so proud of you’ and floods of tears and ‘how could you do this to me’. The latter is a childlike dependency and isn’t a healthy dynamic for a parent -> child relationship. I find it really interesting that some can’t distinguish.

Sorry OP, no helpful advice but I am finding some of these interpretations of the facts you’ve given quite frustrating on your behalf!

“I don't know anyone who really enjoys going to visit their elderly relatives, but they do it from care. “

Rubbish. I still turn to phone my grandparents and they died years ago. Same with my elderly aunties and uncles.

I doubt I’d be rushing to see the MIL in this thread!

@Mufasa1118 You're reading the parts that resonate with YOUR opinion, and ignoring any alternative views.

Another opinion is that you reap what you sow. If this MIL has NOT been a good, kind and supportive parent, has made life hard for other people, insults people, argues and falls out with everyone she meets - that is why she's alone and has no friends or family that want to see her.

Not every elderly person fits into your idea of a poor elderly person.

If you're a shitty person that other people don't want to be around then perhaps you should consider why that should be.

And OP has already clarified that her DH does not want to see his mother.

If non contact is not an option then some sort of heavily boundaried contact might the be way forward.
For example, you or DH meet her for lunch for 2 hours every 3rd Saturday, something like that. Before the meet up you say 'we'll be there at 1pm and we are leaving at 3pm'.

At Christmas and birthdays, you take control rather than wait for her to kick off.
Again go and meet her, preferably somewhere 'neutral' that is neither her house nor your house. That reduces her surroundings kicking off more emotions.

Like have a tradition where you meet her out somewhere for a Christmas lunch in the days coming up to Christmas.

It sounds like your DH could do with some counselling to help him manage this woman, he's been on the receiving end of this emotional manipulation for a very long time!

He is stuck in a dynamic where she either places him in the 'child' place by scolding, belittling and berating him and inducing guilt, or else she reverses that and causes him to go into the 'parent' role where she becomes the needy and clingy child.

Naturally this is very difficult and causes the person to be riddled with confused feelings toward the parent.

Such people simply cannot be managed, the best way forward is to withdraw completely. It is not possible to have a relationship with someone like OPs MIL who is this disordered of thinking. Such people also cannot do relationships and do not play by the "normal" rules of familial interactions. The rule book really does go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families.

Re your comment:-
"He is adamant that if he tries to go NC she will just show up at our door".

This is all part of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) she instilled in him. He may be wrong about the above and besides which if she does turn up on the doorstep, you do not have to let her into your home.

Also these types do not like boundaries and will actively rail against them. Any boundary they care to set will be ignored and otherwise trampled on causing yet more hurt to OPs DH.

She sounds just like my mother OP. I went NC over a decade ago and it's been wonderful.

Apart from the odd message here and there, and only then after I had DD, we've had a lovely peaceful existence.

We made the mistake, or rather I say DH really didn't understand why I was NC so agreed to meet with them on the proviso they apologised previous toxic behaviour. Instead of an apology, they were just abusive again, blaming me for 'their behaviour' when I was a child.

They're both now blocked and have been told in no uncertain terms their presence in our DDs life is not welcome and any further contact will be considered harassment.

You've got to be strong, then start to help him decompress, understand the FOG cycle (fear obligation guilt) and then and only then will he start to heal from her toxic abuse.

go NC

block all emails

if she turns up, file a restraining order

your husbands health will see a massive upturn.

It is no-one's job to fix her behaviour. He owes her NOTHING.

Right now you are just enabling her behaviour/supporting a bad situation.

Merry Christmas and a fresh Happy New Year start for both of you

You've got this.

oh and Mufasa can befriend her if she's seeking company

And direct all her emails to a special folder that you can check for him and he doesn't have to look at

The above would have meant the world to me if my DH or a friend would have done this when I was at war with my mother. It would have been wonderful and I think if you can do this you would significantly relieve the stress on your DH.

I went the toxic parents book and therapy route. It still helped, but it took longer than it would have done if somebody had helped with the day to day abuse.

@mufasa its a guilt trip. As a parent , never ever dump your emotions onto your child. Disgusting and utterly inappropriate behaviour

[quote Mufasa1118]@ChargingBuck I do know a lot of elderly people like that. My own elderly mother can be a nightmare. She is angry all the time. I often come away from her house completely exhausted.

But I still go and care for her, because I know she had a terrible childhood herself, I know she raised me for 18 years, I know she is in pain all the time, and I know she is scared and lives alone.

No one is good or bad. A lot of people who we see as "bad" were abused themselves as children. I just could not leave my mother alone when I know that she is so physically weak now that she cant do a lot for herself.

I also have friends who struggle with their elderly parents. It is not easy to go and see them but we all still have compassion for them, as we know they are struggling[/quote]
I love you for this. Its just crazy how people are told to go contact with their parents on here If they say anything they dont like. Nobody is perfect. He shouldnt just abandon his mum totally like that. I havent seen what she has done to deserve to be left alone totally. He needs to set boundaries. Maybe block her from calling him and call her at certain times.

@EmmasMum12 I don't think it's that bad. I've heard about parents who have done far, far worse.

So
Saying to your adult child when they leave home "please don't leave me" (and want be lucky to live at home until he mid twenties? )

Is far less abusive than

Hitting your adult child
Calling your adult child "fat ugly cunt" or "devil's spawn".
A woman I used to work with, told me that her mother called her "devil's spawn" and told her that she was ugly and she should never have been born all the time

Is there any one where she lives who she might trust and who could mediate? In the old days it would have been the vicar.

However in the end you have to decide what to do if she "blackmails" you. The advice usually is that you do not give in to blackmail. Even to the extent of threatened suicide [or suicide] hard though that be

@Sparklydiplodocus

There is no mediating with such people like OPs MIL. Mediation as well is not going to be successful when the other party is abusive and is not recommended anyway when there is abuse.

All I’ll say is it’s convenient that now she’s elderly and alone and needing more input, DH has NOW realised he wants to cut contact. Not while she was still healthy and not a widow.

p.s. forgot to add @Sparklydiplodocus think of it this way:

if nothing changes, nothing will change

@Coronawireless i honestly despair at mumsnet ffs. SHE WAS NOT A WIDOW I’ve already said that. They divorced 22 years ago!!!!! She has had various relationships since.

And she has got more controlling down the years. She has always been difficult but has got more nasty and manipulative as time has gone on.

Let me give you a little picture of her nastiness. She and her ex separated. They were never married, no kids, nothing. For 18 years because he left her she hounded him with guilt trips and lived off his generosity, not working, for all that time. She then decided she wanted more. So she started a legal battle against him for a settlement. This went on for literally years. In the end he caved and let her have the house they shared. He got not a penny. She wore him down til he was nothing.

But yes, she is a poor defenceless old woman who we should all rally around

[quote Mufasa1118]@EmmasMum12 I don't think it's that bad. I've heard about parents who have done far, far worse.

So
Saying to your adult child when they leave home "please don't leave me" (and want be lucky to live at home until he mid twenties? )

Is far less abusive than

Hitting your adult child
Calling your adult child "fat ugly cunt" or "devil's spawn".
A woman I used to work with, told me that her mother called her "devil's spawn" and told her that she was ugly and she should never have been born all the time[/quote]
Do you think this situation would be as it is if the only thing this woman ever did wrong was to cry when her son moved out? It is clearly part of a pattern of emotionally minipulative behaviour, including ongoing daily abuse by email, which includes using the recent loss of OP's DH's father against him.

If you don't understand then perhaps it would be wiser to listen to others who do understand how this kind of abuse works.

Oh and @Coronawireless again you didn’t read my posts properly. He has not said he wants to cut contact. He doesn’t know how to cope anymore. Hence I asked for advice here.

Maybe read the posts properly before you write a response.