Please help me help Dh with his awful mum

[Sparklydiplodocus]

Brief backstory: he has a very very strained relationship with her. She can’t get on with anybody- friends, neighbours, everyone. She picks fights with them all. She is also very self centred and manipulative. When he moved out of home in his mid 20s she bawled to him and said how can you leave me. When we moved 45 mins away for better schools she bawled again and said how can you leave me.

She makes his life a misery. She is blocked on his phone but she batters him with emails constantly. Every day. We rarely see her but she is constantly asking to see us.

So then Xmas came up. None of us want to suffer her presence and her narky little comments. So he said we wouldn’t go to her for Xmas day. She is now barraging him with emails saying how could you be so cruel, bringing up his deceased father saying what would he think of you, etc etc. Dh was up til the early hours upset.

He is adamant that if he tries to go NC she will just show up at our door. I’ve wondered if she would attempt suicide- which she did when a previous partner left her.

Please help me help him cope with it and deal with her. He is so upset today.

Very difficult to block entirely when it is a parent. But it would be possible to do low contact rather than no contact. For example, on Xmas day, your DH could agree to pop and see her for an hour. Be very clear, you are busy and will pop across briefly only. Be firm, if she does not want this, then say you are sorry but the alternative is no time.

Mufasa I am glad that you and your friends have elderly parents who are merely 'annoying'. I doubt that is the case for OP's husband. Here is a person who has alienated everyone in her life by her behaviour.

Compassion is not and should not be infinite, and bad behaviour absolutely should have consequences.

My mother and my MIL were both lovely women who we loved to visit as often as we could even though they both lived in other countries. They were not 'annoying' in the slightest, though my DM did become difficult when she fell into alcoholism after my father died. Dsis and I kept visiting because we remembered the mother she had been to us.

OP's husband is not in that situation at all. Stop preaching at them.

@pointythings but what has the woman done that is so bad?
She cried when her son left her.
She was upset when her son wouldn't visit her for Christmas.

That is a she has done. They don't sound bad to me

@Mufasa1118 no you’re wrong. She had been divorced from her ‘husband’ for 22 years before he died. She has been with other people since but nobody can deal with her.

@Mufasa1118 oh for gods sake! This isn’t just some lonely poor old lady. I could write a book on all the things she has done down the years. She insults us, makes nasty comments, she has not worked for donkey’s years and expects everyone else to pay for her lifestyle, and has arguments with every single person in her life.

If you think it’s normal to guilt trip your child when they move out as an adult then I don’t even know what to tell you.

@Sparklydiplodocus you sound pretty snappy and aggressive yourself.

It's not guilt tripping when a child moves out. It is crying and being emotional when your child leaves! EVERY mother does that.

When my friend went to Canada for a year, her mother cried for months. She literally cried every day for the first month that her daughter was gone.

If this does not sound bad to you Mufasa, then what is? What is your definition of abuse?.

Not all parents cry when their now adult child leaves home. Crying in such circumstances could be seen as emotional blackmail.

Also when I was 27, I went to a visit a friend. She lived in a house share with other peoole. A new flatmate moved in. He was 26. He was just moving out of home for the first time.

His mother came with him to the new house. I was there at the time. His mother burst out crying, and said "this is the first time my baby is moving out, so I will be back to visit him a lot". She was crying very heavily. And she was in bits

He was 26!

I have seen mother's do this a lot

@Mufasa1118 that is NOT the same as howling to the child saying how can you leave me.

@Mufasa1118 with respect, I came here for support and advice not for someone to tell me my mother in law is fine and make the situation more stressful by repeatedly posting more of the same.

I’d appreciate it if you could just let me get some support and advice from others now and move on.

Can't your Husband speak to his Mother about all these issues. or email her,if she is a person who never listens properly in conversations. Some people need to be made aware of themsleves,making things difficult within a family, if they are always needy,or moany or critical at all times,
She may digest more, what is written in an email to her.

Otherwise, she will always be creating bad scenes for herself and everyone if she doesn't see how she comes across all the time.

He has tried talking to her a million times. She bats away whatever he says and then starts crying again. She is like a brick wall. Everyone else is always wrong.

My sympathies Op, we are in a very similar situation. My dh refuses to go to therapy to try and deal with this. In the meantime the stress and guilt he feels about his mother is unreal.

It's not guilt tripping when a child moves out. It is crying and being emotional when your child leaves! EVERY mother does that
Your experience is not everyone's experience. I'm a mother and would not cry about my children having their own lives. I'd love to have them visit frequently but at the same time I am delighted to see them busy doing their own thing. If I did cry (which I don't!) I certainly wouldn't start howling in front of them as it might make them feel bad.

Step away from the toxic op

She's upping her manipulating games because she has no control anymore.

People like that don't and won't change.

No amount of arguing or trying to engage in a conversation will change the fact that she will always think she is right and her behaviour is ok.

It's not and you know this.

Talking from experience here.

Crying in front of your child about something your child had done/is doing/is going to do....is manipulative and unpleasant

By all means tell your child that you are sad and why....anything over and above that is narcissistic and toxic

Maybe Mufasa is your MIL, OP? 🤣

It's not guilt tripping when a child moves out. It is crying and being emotional when your child leaves! EVERY mother does that.

Er, no. A well adjusted sensible parent would wave their child off with a sense of pride in the independence they had fostered. They might then perhaps shed a few quiet tears afterwards, but there certainly wouldn't be an ostentatious display of 'Oh my baby is leaving me!'. That's manipulative and dysfunctional.

I miss my kids when they are away at uni, but I am happy and proud to see them fly the nest and live their own lives.

OP has made it very clear that her MIL has earned her loneliness with her own bad behaviour. My kids love to come back and be with me, because I'm not a nasty, combative, selfish old woman.

Exactly. I have never once cried when my DC heads off to uni - I’m happy to see him spreading his wings and getting on with his life. My DM was fine when I went on my gap year abroad when I was 18.
It might be the case that many mums show some emotion when their DC leave home but guilt tripping them is an entirely different thing and completely unacceptable.
OP, I agree that you need to be a united front on this one. I would offer to have the emails diverted to my account and to tackle her myself if your DH is ok with that.
But then my MIL has never and would never behave like yours because she’s a caring unselfish DM / MIL.

I didn't cry when adult children moved out I wasn't the least bit sad just happy they were onto their next life stage. Maybe I'm heartless

[quote Mufasa1118]@ChargingBuck but I know a lot of elderly people who are exactly the same. This behaviour comes from being-
Lonely
Failing health
Feeling scared being alone.

Elderly people are physically weak and scared. And they lash out in their fear.

I don't know anyone who really enjoys going to visit their elderly relatives, but they do it from care.

Shouldn't we give more compassion to the elderly, because they are weaker than ourselves?[/quote]
Presumably she wasn't elderly when he left home in his 20s.

I am not sure why you are trying to make excuses for this woman who is clearly very manipulative and emotionally abusive towards her son.

No. Most mother's absolutely do not wail how can you leave me when their adult offspring move out to begin their independent adult lives.
"How can you leave meeeeee" is not normal, healthy or appropriate

She also wasn't elderly when he left home in his 20s. This is not new behaviour. It is lifelong behaviour.
If you genuinely believe normal mothers behave in such a way you are mistaken.

I've seen loads of mothers cry when their adult child leaves.
I would say it is common behaviour. They don't do it to be nasty. When you bring a child up for 18 years, and they then leave, lots of people are going to be sad about that.

Empty nest syndrome is talked about a lot on here. Where mother's say that they feel very sad after their adult children leave the house.

It is a natural feeling to have. I just cannot understand why someone would see it as nasty???

Grey rock.

Definitely at least direct emails to a specific inbox so they're not just right there to look at, and he can open them when he feels ready. Reading them on a daily basis will probably keep him in a state of anxiety. Reading them less often can help, or not reading them at all! He may find after a few days of not reading at email he will feel less anxious.

I would focus on trying to do something nice for yourselves so as not to have this situation take over your whole Christmas.

You may find that as well as dealing with the upset she is causing, he could be dealing with feelings of missing having a mother who is kind and loving. When you haven't been raised by a kind and loving mother, it is sometimes hard to say kind and loving things to yourself. One thing he could try is to think about what he would say to someone else who was in his own situation. Almost to give himself advice as if he were a kind, supportive parent.