I need to leave him - but it’s Xmas ;(

[XmasNoFuture]

Partner of nearly two years, both in our 30s, no kids. We split time between one another’s houses but he’s away a lot with work so practically LDR.

I’ve realised this week that this relationship has no future. :( but it’s 3 days before Xmas and frankly I don’t know how to act right now with gifts under the tree and vague commitments to go see his family on Xmas day (PCR dependent).

This time of year is horrible for me as I’m sure it must be for others. I lost several family members around this time several years back and I’m struggling with a different trip I had booked on Boxing Day being cancelled and my money withheld. I was looking forward to having a little reprieve but bf isn’t happy to go and pay for PCR tests etc. 1st world problems I know.

There’s been a pattern of bf not really appreciating my things and taking the pi55. After several serious chats he has made changes, but this weekend has brought me back to square 1. We went to a wedding (some 60 miles away). He was rushing me along so said he’d pack up my car. He forgot to ensure my case and the gift for the couple was actually in the car - he left both items next to the car claiming he didn’t have the keys and assumed I would check. This meant he had to drive back to retrieve them. Our weekend together = sh*t on. Btw his stuff arrived safely! The gift for the couple was all but wrecked. I was/am so so upset. He is desperately trying to make amends (gift buying, being overly attentive) but I can’t stand the sight of him right now and this is part of a wider pattern of him being inconsiderate. Eg. Booking stuff when I’ve said I hate a particular activity; leaving messes in my flat etc. Obviously he has some great points but I’ve realised I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with these eff ups forever more.

I’m also at a really low ebb so don’t know what to do for the best, especially this close to Xmas. I asked him to leave me be last night which he did and he wants us to go to lunch tomorrow. Then my dad is expecting us over for tea - arggggh. Doesn’t help that he has struck up this bond with my parents and will often stop by to see them when I’m at work. I just feel stuck, obligated and mean. Pls help me see things clearly.

I'd wait until after Christmas, maybe the stress of this time of year is making you a bit irritable towards him?
No ones perfect, the forgotten case seems an accident that you both forgot to check, he booked you activity you don't like but at least the thought was there but if you don't want to be with him it just seems a bit cruel this close to Christmas.

You don't sound compatible.

End it sooner rather than later.I couldn't imagine forcing myself to spend Christmas with someone I wasn't really into.

You sound down to earth OP;you'll hopefully go on to meet someone who's more suited to you.

Absolutely do not settle for this man.

Finish it now. Enjoy Christmas and look forward to a new life in the New Year

You'll look back and wonder why on Earth you wasted yet another Christmas with someone you don't want to be with.

Three years ago i left my partner on the 16th December after spending 6 months in therapy because it wasn't the 'right time' to do it. Best Christmas ever and I met my current partner shortly after and I am so so happy now! It will be okay. I promise. Don't make excuses!

I highly recommend you end it now, or at the very least tell him you don't want to see him or speak until after Christmas. You know it's over, let it be over, and don't spend Christmas having to pretend to be a happy couple.

Piss.
Shat. (Shit?)
Fuck.
Those were the ones I noticed. Use the swears, our words are our identity.

Normally I yell 'Leave him! Today!' But in your case, why not wait until after Christmas? It's less than a week.

Is he manipulative in way that if you wait til after Xmas to leave he will bring up the gifts he bought you, the time he spent with you etc?
If yes, go now. No point hanging about.

If he would be like this, maybe take the next week to work out what you’re going to do, where you’re going to be after, etc.

But don’t stay. It’s not worth your mental health.

@ImmutableSexQueen 😊

@Extragherkinsplease potentially. I have tried to exit before and there have been some grand gestures so I figure the same could apply to gifts etc. no idea what to do about gifts. Or how tomorrow will pan out.

I might be projecting as it reminds me if an ex i had op but
...What you described doesn't sound like thoughtlessness to me. It sounds like he deliberately does shit to make it clear how little he thinks of you. Which you excuse as thoughtlessness because that is less hurtful than the reality, that he is a mean, spiteful little shit who enjoys stressing and upsetting you.

And he of course gets all pally with your parents in a way that makes you uncomfortable because your gut is telling you that it's because he hopes can have their support should you decide to dump him ('are you sure you're not over reacting? he always seems lovely' ect)

Tell him you have a positive covid test and need to isolate. Then dump him after Xmas.

[quote XmasNoFuture]@Extragherkinsplease potentially. I have tried to exit before and there have been some grand gestures so I figure the same could apply to gifts etc. no idea what to do about gifts. Or how tomorrow will pan out.[/quote]
Ah. A love bomber. Surprise surprise.

You just refuse the parcels. Or send them back to him unopened.

Christmas present wise though...bit tougher...but I'd also be inclined to return them to him. He can get a refund with the reciets.

Do you think you'll be able to keep the pretence up @XmasNoFuture? And to what end?

You have realised what a total aresehole he is, end it now.

You've only been seeing him for less than two years....don't live together.... he works away......I wouldn't even call him my partner in these circumstances. If you are not getting along, and you find him annoying , why stay ? I'd let this one go and have a nice Christmas alone instead of sticking it our with someone I can't stand.

@Pinkbonbon I wouldn’t fake a covid test, what if she wanted to go see a friend or family member? Sure her partner would be even more peeved finding out she’d lied about it.

I wouldn’t lie about anything at all really - surely being honest is the way? Then you don’t have ro tangle yourself if in a web of lies and remember what/ why you’ve said something.

OP you’ve got nothing to lose by telling the truth about everything

@Pinkbonbon hmm, I have wondered about the pallyness with my parents. It’s easy to conceive of it as him just being a nice bloke. Truth be told it pisses me off that he’s out walking their dog/popping in for coffees whilst I’m working fairly long hours elsewhere.

With regards to the idiot behaviour, this is where I’m not sure. Because he’s an idiot with his own stuff, not just mine; losing passports, keys, booking the wrong train tix etc.

Might be worth telling your parents you’re not comfortable with him visiting without you.
At the end of the day they are your parents, not his. You need to be honest with them and explain what is going on

There's no need to demonise the man @Pinkbonbon

Almost everyone will make grand gestures or try to change things if the person they want to be with tries to end it but they don't want the relationship to end, that's not strictly a love bomber thing.

Also there's no proof at all that he deliberately does stuff to stress and annoy her, the worst thing she has said he did was booking things she hates. Also it's pretty common for people to become pally with their partners family!

OP You're not happy and clearly don't like him if he annoys you that much and you can't stand the sight of him... I would imagine you would struggle to put on an act at Christmas and it will be a miserable day anyway so you don't really have much of a choice but to end it before Christmas.

There is lots that will make this break up more feasible for you.

You don't have kids. You don't live together. Phew!

You aren't even 100% expected for Xmas day! So it sounds easier to wriggle out of. Don't go.

Your trip after Xmas has already been cancelled. Phew again.

Yes, be honest with your parents. I think then their friendship will fade, or at least, while it's fading they can keep you out of it.

Just be brave OP and let him know, it's not him it's you, all that jazz.

So - tell him you're not going to lunch tomorrow and tell your dad it's only you coming for tea ...

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Maybe that will help you see how you feel about him. But if you're convinced that you want to split then split up with him rather than pretend all xmas.

I would just end it now but only if you are sure that it's because you definitely don't want to be with him & not because you're feeling low at this time of year.

I understand why couples stay together for Christmas when they've got children involved but everyone is an adult so just get on with it. He'll be distracted by Christmas with his family and you the same.

The gifts are irrelevant. Just exchange gifts with him before you part ways or return them.

There's absolutely no reason to stay in this relationship because its Christmas.

Either you want to split or you don't. I suspect you don't. You are fed up with him, but aren't quite there yet.

Indeed there is no reason to stay in this supposed relationship just because it is Christmas (which will be over after this weekend).

Doesn’t help that our plans for Xmas day were upended by his v.demanding mother, too!

Well you have 4 options as far as I can see.

1. Go through with Christmas exactly as planned , be a good actor, pretend to be his loving GF and dump him after Christmas .

1. Go through with Christmas but be grumpy as hell, everyone has a bad time and then you dump him.

1. Opt out of Christmas with an plausible excuse - sickness bug or Covid symptoms. Then dump him after Christmas .

1. Dump him now and you both have some sort of decent Christmas.

Only you can decide which option is best for you. None will be easy and you will feel sad and guilty with them all.