I need to leave him - but it’s Xmas ;(

[XmasNoFuture]

Partner of nearly two years, both in our 30s, no kids. We split time between one another’s houses but he’s away a lot with work so practically LDR.

I’ve realised this week that this relationship has no future. :( but it’s 3 days before Xmas and frankly I don’t know how to act right now with gifts under the tree and vague commitments to go see his family on Xmas day (PCR dependent).

This time of year is horrible for me as I’m sure it must be for others. I lost several family members around this time several years back and I’m struggling with a different trip I had booked on Boxing Day being cancelled and my money withheld. I was looking forward to having a little reprieve but bf isn’t happy to go and pay for PCR tests etc. 1st world problems I know.

There’s been a pattern of bf not really appreciating my things and taking the pi55. After several serious chats he has made changes, but this weekend has brought me back to square 1. We went to a wedding (some 60 miles away). He was rushing me along so said he’d pack up my car. He forgot to ensure my case and the gift for the couple was actually in the car - he left both items next to the car claiming he didn’t have the keys and assumed I would check. This meant he had to drive back to retrieve them. Our weekend together = sh*t on. Btw his stuff arrived safely! The gift for the couple was all but wrecked. I was/am so so upset. He is desperately trying to make amends (gift buying, being overly attentive) but I can’t stand the sight of him right now and this is part of a wider pattern of him being inconsiderate. Eg. Booking stuff when I’ve said I hate a particular activity; leaving messes in my flat etc. Obviously he has some great points but I’ve realised I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with these eff ups forever more.

I’m also at a really low ebb so don’t know what to do for the best, especially this close to Xmas. I asked him to leave me be last night which he did and he wants us to go to lunch tomorrow. Then my dad is expecting us over for tea - arggggh. Doesn’t help that he has struck up this bond with my parents and will often stop by to see them when I’m at work. I just feel stuck, obligated and mean. Pls help me see things clearly.

You don't really like him, do you.

If he was a friend who kept doing thoughtless stuff, would you be agonising over carrying on seeing her?

Dump him now. Don't suffer anymore.

End it now, return his gift, save yourself money & the pretending over Christmas, Explain to your parents he won't be there.
New Year, new horizons

I really don't see the point of going through Christmas and then dumping someone, having spent all Christmas pretending that everything was fine. How would you feel if someone did it you?

Be honest. There's never a 'good' time to dump someone so get it out of the way and ask him what he wants to do about presents when you've done it. Explain to your parents that it will be just you.

If you've made your mind up and it sounds like you have I would just rip the plaster off and get it over and done with. At least you can then enjoy xmas without it hanging over you. You don't sound at all happy (and neither would I be if I were you) and its just festering.

Oh God I wouldn't hesitate! He is not the man for you. Don't put yourself through Christmas with him and his family. Tell him it's over and tell him you'd appreciate it if he didn't go round to your parents' house. I think he is infiltrating himself into your family because he knows you're pulling away from him.

I say do it before Xmas. Someone I was dating dumped me after xmas, after playing happy couple and it really threw me for a loop. I'd rather he had done it before instead faking like everything was okay.

You don't sound compatible at all, he doesn't seem to come up to your expectations, so you will be happier apart, and he will too.

@1forAll74 it makes me fear that my expectations are just way too high

If you do it now, you'll have Xmas pressies to worry about and plans, if you do it after you'll have pressies (do you return them etc) and plans to deal with.

If you genuinely feel like this, and it's not because you find this time of year difficult then I'd do it now, at least you can put your feet up and please yourself for a few days without him being in the way.

I personally couldn't live with someone like this, I have a friend who's like it. We share a hobby and have been away for weekends and once for a full week doing this hobby. We very nearly fell out after the week as he drove me up the wall. He'd forget his keys, then lose his passport, find his passport. He'd be the last person ready and we'd all be waiting for him, we'd go to set off and he'd suddenly need petrol, if anything was going to go wrong, it happened to him. It was just a nightmare and I said after that week is never do it again

@dumplings1

I'd wait until after Christmas, maybe the stress of this time of year is making you a bit irritable towards him? No ones perfect, the forgotten case seems an accident that you both forgot to check, he booked you activity you don't like but at least the thought was there but if you don't want to be with him it just seems a bit cruel this close to Christmas.

There was no thought.

That was the point.

[quote XmasNoFuture]@1forAll74 it makes me fear that my expectations are just way too high[/quote]
No. They're not.

They belong to you and they are what they are.

Only compromise if the other one is worth it.
And I don't think he is

[quote XmasNoFuture]@1forAll74 it makes me fear that my expectations are just way too high[/quote]
No, his are far too low.

"Eg. Booking stuff when I’ve said I hate a particular activity; leaving messes in my flat etc. "

Seems he's a lazy slob that doesn't listen. You can do better OP.

I ended a relationship at Christmas before, he wasn't a bad man just too busy to be in a relationship the way I wanted.
I'm a really bad actor so had no choice once I realised I wasn't happy and wanted out.
I have a lot of work stress in December so had been putting my irritability down to that.
I was single most of my 20s and I know my friends thought I was picky etc.
But I'm ok with being single if I'm not being treated well, so didn't care.
I did think for a few years that I was probably never going to meet someone who made me happy but I just planned a life I would enjoy on my own.
Even if he is just thoughtless in general and building a relationship with your parents with the best of intentions.
He's not making you happy so let him go.

I’m in a sort of similar situation. Partner is lovely, been with him for 8 years and due to be married in 7 months. But felt like it’s run it’s course and nothing about of future excites me anymore. I’ve decided to wait until the new year to tell him how I feel. Don’t want to ruin christmas. It’s hard but I know it will be best for us both in the long run. Whatever reasons you have big or small for breaking up, they are all valid and it’s how YOU feel. I’ve just had to realise that. Good luck x

Then it's New Year's Eve. Then Valentine's Day. After that, National Spaghetti Day followed by Appreciate Artichokes Week.

There's always a reason.

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow it’s hard going isn’t it? What seems funny to everyone else is tedious for the one experiencing the fallout! The analogy of a thoughtless friend up earlier in the thread rings so true

To be honest if you both have own homes it makes it million times easier. Have them over for the chat pass over gift and any items they have at yours job done. It be hard but not any easier after Xmas.

Does everything he does turn into a disaster? Your description is putting me in mind of Frank Spencer!

My exdh was completely hapless and I couldn't trust him to do anything. It was like having another child. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to stand the sight of him and it won't improve! I got to the point where the sound of him breathing made me feel homicidal. Don't get to that point because of a feeling of obligation.

[quote XmasNoFuture]@1forAll74 it makes me fear that my expectations are just way too high[/quote]
Well even if they are and you are in fact a total bitch, all the more reason to end it ASAP.

Set him free to be with someone with lower and more reasonable expectations .

It’s not like there’s a shortage of women out there with very low standards - he’s sure to find someone more compatible .

@ScottChegg yes, this would be a fair assessment. It doesn’t help that the general consensus is ‘oh! That’s not too bad’ or ‘everyone makes mistakes’ etc etc.

@XmasNoFuture

They're not seeing the whole picture though. So it doesn't matter what they say really.

[quote XmasNoFuture]@ScottChegg yes, this would be a fair assessment. It doesn’t help that the general consensus is ‘oh! That’s not too bad’ or ‘everyone makes mistakes’ etc etc.[/quote]
And they are not living your life.

Now: You're both in your thirties.
No shared property, no children.

The future: You're contemplating possibly half a century in the company of a man you don't much like. Getting more and more entangled financially and possibly family.

Is it likely to get better?

You can leave a relationship at any time and for any reason you like.