Husband suicidal, alone at Christmas

[Evianfash40]

I've posted previously but just wanted some support. My husband has been suffering with depression & feeling suicidal after having a mental breakdown over the last 7 weeks. He's on a cocktail of meds but nothing seems to make a difference. We live overseas and tomorrow I'm taking him to a psychiatric clinic to check him in for a few weeks as a last resort. We have a 1 year old son, all our friends have gone home for Christmas & looks like it will be just my son and I are on own during the Christmas period. I feel so drained from solo parenting & dealing with my husband, we were in the UK with his family for a month but it became too much for them & we ran out of tax days. I feel utterly in despair. Last night I slept on the sofa with my son after he woke up at 2am.i woke up at 4am to my husband standing over me saying he wanted to die, over and over again. It was frightening. This morning he started screaming for no reason, just lying on the floor screaming which scared our son. He just keeps saying he wants to end it. I took him to the hospital here but they wouldn't admit him, so we just have to hope a stay at the clinic works. My gut feeling is, he's not going to get better, I'm trying to keep positive but I feel out of my depth. Part of me wonders if I should just leave, take my son and run he said he'd give me full custody. Just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar or has any words of advice.

First it will take a few weeks for the medication to work. You say he had a breakdown a couple of months ago and medication can take up to six weeks to kick in. It does sound frightening but hang in there as hopefully the clinic will help to stabilise him before he comes home. I would stay in the family home and try to make Christmas as good as you can for your son and wait to see what the stay at the clinic does. You are doing all the right things by the sounds of things, seeing a psychiatrist and booking him in somewhere. Mental health recovery takes time so hang in there for now and see how things go.

It sounds horrendous, OP. I think you need to make sure that you can cope with him before he comes home, you can't manage his MH on your own with such a young child.

Where is your family ?

@username1987a yeh he was on an antidepressant escitalopram when it first happened 7 weeks ago but crisis team took him off it because it had an adverse reaction, made him more manic. He's been on a new one for 2 weeks now so we just have to wait and see. Hes also taking an anti psychotic every day to help stabilise his mood. Just hoping something works. He's so up and down in the day, every morning suicidal then mood lifts in the afternoon then dips in the evening.

@GoodnightGrandma they are in the UK I was staying with them for a couple of weeks whilst my husband was with his family so I could recharge ready to come back here. My mum would fly out but she's not well.

What's weird is that it all seems to have been triggered by changing jobs. He had a really great job, well paid, barely did any work but about a year ago he just complained relentlessly about it, was miserable, said he felt suicidal. Wouldn't go to gp, wouldn't speak to HR and in the end quit despite me and everyone else telling him he'd regret it. Now he's angry at me for letting him quit, angry that i didn't read his work contract and check it over..... Not that he asked me to, do you check over your husbands job offer when he gets a new job? I don't ask him to check mine, I do my own due diligence. Now he's stuck in a negative thought loop, "why did I leave my job, I've ruined our lives"...... He just says it over and over again. Can't get passed it.

Do you have to stay where you are? You mentioned tax days which I don't really understand. Would there be an unmanageable penalty for coming back to the UK, all of you, for family support and health care?

You don’t need to live with him if you’re frightened of him.
Can you get his family to come over when he’s discharged ?

Yeh @Hohofortherobbers so we were in the UK for about a month, we are Brits. When my husband first had the breakdown his parents flew out & took him back to the UK, made sense to be around his family and access English speaking healthcare. We are in Switzerland & can't speak French so limited healthcare options. We ended up taking DH to A&E in UK & he was referred to the crisis team but about a week ago they said they were winding down, having visited him every day we didn't know what to do, and not sustainable for us to live in his dad's spare room, not to mention his family not being very supportive & potentially part of the problem. We came back to Switzerland as we pay mandatory health insurance here and knew we could send my husband to a clinic as a last resort. We also ran out of tax days in UK having spent 90 days in UK this year which meant we would be liable to pay income tax in UK as well as Switzerland with a potential tax bill of 60k which we wanted to avoid especially as he's off sick & likely to be for months so want to save money where we can. I don't work since we moved here but me being in UK impacts my husbands tax.

I read your previous thread OP, I think you have done the right thing going back.
Check him into the clinic, then you know he is safe.
Concentrate on getting through the next couple of weeks, one day at a time.
Your son won't know it's Christmas. Take this time to relax as much as you are able then see how DH is and where to go from there.
I really feel for you, I know what it's like to be overseas and having a bad time.
You will get through it.

Sod the tax, look after yourself 💐

I would be getting my child away from him. He doesn't sound safe. I know people are probably going to come after me for saying that, but you don't KNOW he won't hurt you or your child. I would hope my DH would protect my kids if I were behaving erratically like that. Laying there screaming?! This is too much for you to deal with.

@GoodnightGrandma I feel conflicted I don't think he would harm me, he might harm himself..... There are moments when it feels like he's lost his mind. He headbutted the window today also, then started beating his head with my sons wooden drumstick. It's more that his mood is affecting my mood, and my ability to take care of our son.
I think my husband deserves the chance to get better but at present he can't function as a husband or father.
His family could come out once he's discharged, I might suggest that.

@JohannSebastianBach thanks. I think we were so set on the expat life abroad, and now I'm so homesick. In light of what's happened I don't think living abroad is for us.

I’ve been through supporting my other half through a breakdown and subsequent recovery. It was a long road. He was also under crisis care but not suicidal (though he was self harming and having thoughts of self harm). It was in the UK but during lock down so no support from family. It was an awful, scary and lonely time.
I supported him and the children and worked and it was exhausting. For the most part he slept. One day, out of nowhere he swore at me a few times in front of the children and that was a line I could not let him cross, he was aggressive but nothing physical. So I kicked him out, because I was scared, I did not want my children to witness it. I was terrified he might harm himself whilst I had kicked him out, but that was my line. I can’t cope with my children (older than yours) witness this behaviour. I was fortunate that we talked the next day, he responded well to medication, had some excellent support and we took it day by day.

You are not super human, you can only weigh up what you can do to support him whilst supporting yourself and your child. You may not be able to do both. You just have to try and make the best decision you can today, no one tell you what to do. If you feel you need to leave, leave.

It sounds like he is at least open to getting help, that is great, we went quite quickly from crisis to under GP care so it can change quicker than you thing and gives you an opportunity to recalibrate.

Part of me wonders if I should just leave, take my son and run he said he'd give me full custody

It depends. When he is laying on the floor screaming and you look at him, what do you think? Is he the same man, your husband? If not, there might not really be any way of coming back from this. I'm guessing its his mentally ill mindset saying these things......"take him and run away" can you trust it? of course not. But then can you imagine ever feeling the same way when all of this is done with?

If you stay and he gets better, but you can't get over this will you have stayed simply out of obligation? or can you imagine a time when all of this is behind you both and you are happy? Do you love him?

Doesn't Switzerland have a double tax agreement with UK?
Also the uk ''tax days'' can and do become much less in number than 90 days.

@SportsMother it's a 40 min drive. I haven't driven for 7 years, I'm insured on the car and had a drive about today so hopefully tomorrow it will be like riding a bike. Visitors are allowed daily one visit per day as long as you like.
Thanks for the advice. I've been so busy running around after my son and husband I hadn't thought of myself. I think I want to go back to work, have some stability & independence, the thought of my husband being sick for months unable to work and me not working has stressed me out so I might apply for jobs here and in UK. I can't work in my field here but maybe I can do something else.
Root of breakdown is changing jobs. He wants his old job back, knows he made a mistake leaving and can't get passed it. Just consumed by negative thoughts, "I gave up my dream job, ruined my life, why did I leave, I won't get better, I'm finished, I want to die, there is no solution, you're better off without me"

Sweetheart this is far more than you can manage. First off, know this isn't something you can fix. You can take responsibility to get him help you but can only take him so far before you must hand him over for professional help. It sounds as though you are doing this so that's great. You wouldn't try to plaster up a broken leg for him and you can no more fix his breakdown.
Secondly, recognise that your son is the primary focus for you, but also you might need some propping up too. Can you ask for some help from the people around you for the next few days and weeks? That might be babysitting whilst you take a mental health break or helping with Christmas.
Lastly, you don't have to live like this and when your husband is getting the help he needs, you don't have to stay. Sometimes the love can be shouted out of you (by which I mean his shouting) as the relationship changes from mutual support to supporting everyone. It's okay and you don't need permission to leave.

Stay strong just a bit longer and remember the single parent's mantra; say yes to help.

@tara66 we spoke to a tax advisor who said we could use the Switzerland UK tax treaty to avoid it but my husband doesn't trust her, won't believe it. We had conflicting advice from different tax advisors so reluctant to risk it.

Gosh OP, you are doing the best thing by admitting him, this must be such a scary thing but he needs to be properly looked after, they need to see him at his worst and get him on the best meds. I hope things rapidly improve, having a 1 year old is tough let alone all this whilst also not living nearby family for support!
Could he perhaps have Autism? The change of job/routine/ repetatively banging his head on a window/drumsticks is signalling towards behaviour that is common with Autism when they feel overwhelmed

It sounds too risky to be stay abroad. Unless he's sectioned and admitted there then you need to keep yourself and ds safe.