Husband suicidal, alone at Christmas

[Evianfash40]

I've posted previously but just wanted some support. My husband has been suffering with depression & feeling suicidal after having a mental breakdown over the last 7 weeks. He's on a cocktail of meds but nothing seems to make a difference. We live overseas and tomorrow I'm taking him to a psychiatric clinic to check him in for a few weeks as a last resort. We have a 1 year old son, all our friends have gone home for Christmas & looks like it will be just my son and I are on own during the Christmas period. I feel so drained from solo parenting & dealing with my husband, we were in the UK with his family for a month but it became too much for them & we ran out of tax days. I feel utterly in despair. Last night I slept on the sofa with my son after he woke up at 2am.i woke up at 4am to my husband standing over me saying he wanted to die, over and over again. It was frightening. This morning he started screaming for no reason, just lying on the floor screaming which scared our son. He just keeps saying he wants to end it. I took him to the hospital here but they wouldn't admit him, so we just have to hope a stay at the clinic works. My gut feeling is, he's not going to get better, I'm trying to keep positive but I feel out of my depth. Part of me wonders if I should just leave, take my son and run he said he'd give me full custody. Just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar or has any words of advice.

A change of job is an unusual reason for such a serious breakdown, and I am so sorry you are going through this.

In your position I would be making plans to go home, you are very vulnerable there with such a small child, no support network and limited grasp of the language. Consider going home to share this huge burden. It does not sound safe for you to stay to me, and whatever the financial implications, it would be better to prioritise your safety.

Make the best of Christmas, fortunately your child is too young to care about it, and will not care, so do what you can - mark it in a small way and make some plans with dh family to fly back - they need to help.

Telling your mother to f* off last Christmas was a really big red flag, I imagine he has been struggling with his MH for a much longer time. Depressed or not, you can't speak to people like that. Your family must be very worried.

Go home, pay the tax bill, sort out somewhere to live permanently. It isn't going to work being stuck there with such serious problems op. Dh family need to make arrangements to transfer him back to the UK and take charge of his care, and you can support from the side lines if you want to.

OP I really feel for you. My DH had a breakdown about 3 years ago now, when our DS was 2. It was an incredibly difficult time and my DH wasn’t suicidal, just very depressed and anxious. I echo everything that previous posters have already said about looking after yourself. Your DH doesn’t have the capacity to think about you and your DS right now so I agree there’s no point putting yourself out to visit daily. Get him into the clinic and then focus on yourself and your DS, doing whatever you need to do even if that’s coming home to the UK.

My DH did recover (although his mental health is still and probably always will be fragile) and hopefully yours will too. Good luck.

@Rno3gfr hi, I just wondered did your sister recover from psychosis, if so how long did it take? Looking for hope x

Just an update - admitted DH to psychiatric clinic on 22nd Dec, it was tough but I felt relieved afterwards. The night before I took him he had woken me up again in the middle of the night by standing over me saying he wanted to die. It was frightening. Ive been to visit him almost every day but just had 2 days off as im exhausted from running around after my toddler. Christmas day was the worst day, I drove to the clinic with my son, had lunch with DH. All he could talk about was the terrible decision he'd made leaving his old job & how it had ruined his life. We have been stuck on this conversation loop for 2 months now. Our son took his first steps & my husband didn't care. He just sat there saying he was consumed by his thoughts & can only think of himself, he knows its not normal, he loves my son and I but right now doesn't care about us, only himself. That was pretty hard to hear on Christmas day. I was so angry with him, I still am, it's mentally draining. He doesn't seem to be getting any better. They've put him on another antidepressant as well as the original one and tripled his antipsychotic but to be honest he just sounds out of it now. Every day I wake up to 50 messages of despair from him, how he feels suicidal, he can't go on. I've had to detach myself from it. I feel torn, my son comes first. Part of me wants to leave my husband but also know he's ill and I wouldn't do that if he had cancer. It just feels that he's behaving so selfishly right now, consumed by his own thoughts.

Hey op
Thanks for updating
I’m pleased he is in the right place

I’m very concerned about the messaging and the impact on your own health
Is there is a nice doctor or nurse at this clinic you can talk to
Ask for their advice about this messaging

This is hugely stressful
My heart goes out to you
Keep hanging on in there xx

I'd second talking to someone at the clinic about his messaging.

You're not getting any respite or any care for you.

@Aintnothinggoingonbuttherent I just wondered how long did it take for your husband to recover?

@Thisisworsethananticpated @BoodleBug51 yes I saw his psychiatrist with him on Monday and mentioned it. Sunday evening my DH messaged me constantly for 3 & half hours a few words in each message just stuck on the same loop saying the same things over and over again. Psychiatrist said to disengage just say I can't keep repeating myself and not to respond. So thats what I've been trying. Just hard as I want to be supportive but it's driving me mad saying the same things over and over again

I'm sorry to hear this op but glad that he has been admitted. Yes, talk to the medical team about the messaging and see what they say.

So sorry it's so difficult. I hope you can get some support.

He’s safer where he is. You won’t be able to make him better by replying to the messages. Focus on you for a bit, I hope they can help him in the clinic.

Op I am also in Switzerland- the German speaking part. Join the Facebook group - International Mums living in Switzerland. Lots of help and advice there.
Mental health care in Switzerland is good (My DH had some issues this year) there is a lot of work stress here and Covid has not helped. Feel free to send me a DM
It will help if he will speak to the clinic and explain what is going on. His psychiatrist should also be willing to speak to you.
On your Swiss insurance you also also entitled to therapy - I can’t remember how much but it’s significant. - so if you need a listening ear that is there too. Most doctors in Switzerland speak a good level of English.

When my husband was at his lowest I had to remember that is isn’t well. It’s not his usual self.
I think it’s also all the more shocking when you are in that expat bubble - so many people are high performing professions. With these ‘perfect lives’ but now I know many people have stress and are struggling.

Psychiatrist said to disengage just say I can't keep repeating myself and not to respond

I’m not sure of the etiquette
But I’d you were my friend I’d be saying
Speak to them again as his caregivers
Ask for their advice on how to disenagage when you are probably on your phone a lot !
You can’t pour from an empty vessel

Otherwise you need to have your phone turned off , maybe get a different number

I’ve been on the receiving end of non malicious but very mentally ill messages and I can’t even read them

It’s very hard for you x

From memory he was under the crisis team for three weeks but he was treated at home. In non-covid times I’m sure he would he would have been admitted but as we live in the same road as the hospital he would either go daily or they would come to us. Then we had about 8 weeks under the GP. In the weeks before the crisis team were involved it was probably evident we needed to do something but he was resistant.
He has a history of depression, the result of a horrible childhood so I was used to him having episodes that required some medication, it did not come completely out of the blue but a family suicide and lockdown was just too much for him.
Once he got better we talked and I had to be very honest that my decisions from now would always be what is best for the children, and that includes doing whatever I need to do to be their best mother. I didn’t want it to be blackmail! He was extremely unwell and it could not be helped but I wanted him to always honest, seek help at the earliest opportunity, make some lifestyle changes to help with sleep and fitness and get counselling. He’s a lot better now, though we know that depression is an illness he has and we have to try and manage it and some days/weeks will be better than others.

Oh OP
It sounds so so hard. I am really glad you are getting some kind of respite now and totally agree you shouldn't feel obliged to respond to the messages. Who knows if he is stuck in a loop the same responses back may even be enabling rather than helping.

You've said the whole thing was triggered by the job change but it sounds to me like he was getting sick already, as he said he was suicidal even with his brilliant job and leaving doesn't sound like a rational decision.,,, I get he is stuck on obsessing about that decision now, but it really sounds like something was happening with his mental health before that already?

I'm so sorry. I hope you and your son are getting a bit of breathing space now. It sounds like you have coped incredibly well in a terrible situation.

Do try to take care of yourself. Prioritise your own well-being and your son's. It's the right thing to do. This isn't even a choice between your husband's well-being and yours. He is sick to a level that I don't think you can help him. And You suffering and ending up with no resources won't help him in any way.... protecting yourself and your son will be the best possible thing you can do for all of you.

I am sending hugs.

Psychiatrist has a point, your DH obviously doesn’t take in any response to messages and it is damaging for you. Could you block them? Or leave unread?

I agree , you and your son are the priority
No one would judge you if you disengage for a while and let the Medical team take over

You could temporarily block his number
Focus on getting your head clearer and continue with visits

He is very sick and his care right now isn’t your responsibility

You child however is x