Husband suicidal, alone at Christmas

[Evianfash40]

I've posted previously but just wanted some support. My husband has been suffering with depression & feeling suicidal after having a mental breakdown over the last 7 weeks. He's on a cocktail of meds but nothing seems to make a difference. We live overseas and tomorrow I'm taking him to a psychiatric clinic to check him in for a few weeks as a last resort. We have a 1 year old son, all our friends have gone home for Christmas & looks like it will be just my son and I are on own during the Christmas period. I feel so drained from solo parenting & dealing with my husband, we were in the UK with his family for a month but it became too much for them & we ran out of tax days. I feel utterly in despair. Last night I slept on the sofa with my son after he woke up at 2am.i woke up at 4am to my husband standing over me saying he wanted to die, over and over again. It was frightening. This morning he started screaming for no reason, just lying on the floor screaming which scared our son. He just keeps saying he wants to end it. I took him to the hospital here but they wouldn't admit him, so we just have to hope a stay at the clinic works. My gut feeling is, he's not going to get better, I'm trying to keep positive but I feel out of my depth. Part of me wonders if I should just leave, take my son and run he said he'd give me full custody. Just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar or has any words of advice.

OP I've been where you are. My DS (now an adult) was a new born baby when my ExH had a breakdown. It wasn't as bad as you describe but just dealing with the burden of a suicidal partner and a new born is stressful enough. I too had no family in the country. My advice is make sure that your husband is in the safest place possible where others are taking care of him, and then think of yourself. Your baby needs you and you need to be physically safe and emotionally well to be in a position to take care of him.

@Evianfash40 if he’s being checked in to a clinic for a stay can you and your son fly back to the U.K. for Christmas?

I think you posted about this a while back? Sorry to hear he's no better and time in UK with his family hasn't helped.

Admission to 24 hour care is the safest place for him to be ( and, you and your child). There are different treatment options available for inpatients; and the doctors will be ablle to observe and adjust the effects of his medication. I hope this will bring some improvement in time.Sounds like the next big question is, are you going to stay abroad or return full time to UK.

I hope you and your baby can have a peaceful Christmas together, and a better New Year than this one has been.

Leave and take your child.

You can't live with him abusing you like this. You can't live with him blaming you for the things he forced you to do. You can't live with him waking you up after less than two hours sleep and screaming on the floor like an angry toddler. How long before his blaming you (and the child) for trapping him becomes rage at you for 'doing this to him'? How long before his rage and physicality towards himself becomes directed at who he blames for his predicament?

Once he's in through the door of the clinic, RUN.

@DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes I could go back to the UK but I only have 4 tax days left before triggering tax bill. Also my son seems happy to be home, having spent 4 weeks in the UK living in different family homes which was disruptive. So I think I'm just going to sit tight here, enjoy some quality time with my son and try to recharge, refocus.

@2bazookas yes I did post a while back. I'm inclined to go home to UK I miss my family and friends, we have friends here but it's not the same, I don't feel I can confide in them. My mum came out for Christmas last year and it was ruined by my husbands volatile moods, he told her to f**k off one evening. It was awful. I think in hindsight he was depressed then but not excuse for his behaviour. I've felt I couldn't invite family out since then because of how he behaves. I used to enjoy my husbands company now I feel like I endure him. I know he is mentally unwell, but I can't see him getting better anytime soon. And how much of it is his illness vs just him being unpleasant

I don't think the job change is the root of this. More that it's become a focus for his feelings of fear, failure and self-hatred. You said he felt suicidal before the change.

I hope you can access good treatment for him. Might be worth giving up on expat life, if you have more support in the UK. If you can't support both him and your son, I agree that your son must come first

Have you seen KPMG's ''Statutory Residence Test Flow Chart'' regarding days can be spent in UK? You DH may believe a large accountancy firm.

I'm sorry op but it doesn't sound safe for yourself or your child to be around him. You really should leave, even if just temporarily. He needs to help himself and you have a duty to protect yourself and your child.

I have nothing to add but wanted to give you a handhold

@MMMarmite

I don't think the job change is the root of this. More that it's become a focus for his feelings of fear, failure and self-hatred. You said he felt suicidal before the change.

I hope you can access good treatment for him. Might be worth giving up on expat life, if you have more support in the UK. If you can't support both him and your son, I agree that your son must come first

This. He left the job as he was in a manic state making rash decisions and now all his focus is on that but it is his mental health that's the issue. I have experience of this in my own family. Few things: don't be under pressure to visit him in hospital as when he comes through this he won't remember and you would be far better to take the time to rest, play with your little one, get in your favourite food for Christmas, watch a few nice movies and sleep. Your job now is to look after your self and your baby. Let the hospital deal with your dh. Don't engage in any conversations with your dh except simple stuff like what time you are dropping him at the hospital. Again he won't remember and you are wasting your own energy. You are not talking to the real him but to his ill mind so no point in trying to make him see sense as he can't. He will be safe in the hospital so leave him there. Try not to look too far ahead for the moment. You can make decisions when your dh is more stable. Look after yourself.

I've supported a suicidal husband with a newborn and it was hellish tbh. You have my admiration and am sending . The pp saying put your own oxygen mask on first are right. Can you access and counselling yourself? I wish I had a safe space to vent my fear and if I'm being honest my anger at DH for putting me through this.

It's great that he's getting impatient care and it might be helpful to access the Swiss health system for a bit since the UK one is in dire straits. But it's important that you feel okay too. As an empathetic person I felt I had to build a bit of an emotional wall between myself and DH to get through the day and be able to care for the kids.

It's important to find ways to avoid your DHs moods impacting you. Making sure to get nice food, exercise, as much sleep as possible. Making mini rituals was important for me, cultivating pleasure in a really nice cup of coffee.

Ultimately though I wish someone had told me really clearly that you can leave a marriage for any reason, including ill health. You can live apart without separating. You don't have to be his carer if you don't want to. You matter, your feelings are important. If you need to move back to the UK you should do.

Was his old job in the UK? Is it the whole move he is angry about?

Whatever, I'm sure pp are right that this isn't about his job. I think you both need to get back to UK where family can support. Can you do that asap?

I’m so sorry op
This is heavy heavy stuff
And the best advice I ever got when handling this is self care
You have to look after yourself right now
You can’t pour from an empty cup and given how bad he is , your child needs you

Now what that looks like you can only determine

But if you can get him admitted use the time to slow down , breathe , get some air my dear

When does he go to the clinic? This sounds like an immediate crises and that he needs to be there right now. I agree with others that moving home would probably be best for you and your child, I'm sorry this is such a horrible time.

It's OK to want to leave him. It's so easy (when you aren't in that situation) to say 'for better for worse, you should stay' but anyone who says that has never been truly tested.

Your main concern has to be your child, and it doesn't sound like a pleasant or even a safe environment for them to grow up. And in order to do the right thing by your child, you need to look after yourself. If your DH MH brings you down too, where does that leave your child?

It seems like this has made you feel differently about your DH, and that is understandable. Not helped by the fact he's blaming you for things that aren't your fault (and that may get worse). You also question whether all the problem is his MH - which makes me think he might not have been a great husband even in good health?

For now, enjoy Christmas with your little one. Rest, recharge, plan fun things. Keep an open mind about the future. Think about what YOU want. If it's to move back to the UK, then tell your DH that's what you need to do. Whether or not you do it together is another matter, but you need to start planning as if it's just you and LO.

I've been to Switzerland many times as one of our holiday homes in France borders the country - the average Swiss has excellent English - so how can there be a language barrier in healthcare. Rural areas I can understand.

Hi, i felt like i had written this myself, our current circumstances are very similar. I’m also abroad with a husband who is mentally ill. He has just come out from having inpatient treatment for 2 weeks and has also been suicidal, probably still is to be honest.

I have 2 children and it is very lonely. However the inpatient treatment gave me a much needed break from a very exhausting situation.

My advice is to think very carefully about how you would like your future look. You don’t need to make a steadfast decision but you do need a plan. I can thoroughly recommend getting yourself some mental health support so that you are resilient enough to withstand what may happen in the future.

With my tax hat on, speak to a proper expat tax advisor. Not a local uk or swiss one but one who deals in both. You should only be liable to the highest tax bill if liable to both. There may be a treaty or tax (bill) credits to help.
Are you on a local swiss contract or expat contract. If it's a big firm with lots of expats, they'll probably use a big 4 firm to advise their big wigs on their transfers so try and access one of them.
Tax shouldn't dictate your lives so I think once you've had a good discussion about that it may be one less obstruction.

@MyOtherProfile

Was his old job in the UK? Is it the whole move he is angry about?

Whatever, I'm sure pp are right that this isn't about his job. I think you both need to get back to UK where family can support. Can you do that asap?

Sounds more like he's bipolar and this is how it's presenting, rather than anything remotely connected to any job.

The prescription of antipsychotics and the bad response to antidepressants suggests this as well. She doesn't need to come back to the UK or family, she needs to seperate herself and her child from a man who has a serious mental illness which can pose a risk to others as well as himself. He has to be admitted and treated and she has to protect herself mentally, financially and, sadly, physically from him.

To be ho eat mental health support on the nhs is dire - i know someone who has been told a wait of up to 2 years to be properly assessed.

If you have decent healthcare over there and it’s paid for you may well be better getting treatment there.

Oh lovely it sounds horrific. He has serious mental health issues and it predates him moving jobs. Being with him is no environment for you and your child. Let him be treated by the professionals and you do what you need to do.

Get him in the clinic.

Don't burden yourself with daily visits. Let the professionals deal with him there.

Go back to the UK for Xmas and potentially longer term.

Hand over his care to his family. Let one of them go out there and deal with him.

If it's got to him head butting windows and hitting himself with the baby's toys then this is way beyond your safe remit. He needs to be immediately removed.

The hard thing about mental health issues is the continuing dialogue between him and you. You are rational but he is not, yet he is lucid, so the tortuous conversation spiral can go on and on.

Cut it. It's your only option. Get him the care he needs and deserves. And get your baby and yourself the safety and support you need and deserve.

Hi op, I don’t want to view the thread and not comment. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, it must be utterly shattering. I can’t imagine how hard it is to care for your baby and husband too, while in another country.

My sister developed psychosis in her early 20s and it was the most stressful thing I have ever encountered. You must be so strong. All I can say is that this illness is not developed overnight, certainly not by just a change in work. There must be other factors at play that must have been creating an awful lot of anxiety and then the job change was the trigger. Another family member of mine suffered a breakdown and was able to make a form of recovery. Nevertheless, you need to put your own needs at the forefront now. Your son is dependent on you so your welfare is paramount. You need to do what you can for your dp, but ultimately you need to bear in mind your own mental health in order to get through the ordeal. Look after yourself as much as you can, I know this is not going to be easy.