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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless and lack of connection

57 replies

Dad2017 · 21/12/2021 17:41

I did raise another thread on this but think it was on the wrong channel. To fill you in on the background me and my wife have been together over 10 years. We have 2 kids together who are amazing. If I go by the sexless marriage stats I would say its been sexless for around 7 years (1-2 times a year)

She is an amazing mum and I cannot fault her in that way but when it comes to us it seems like we are in very different places ie I'm very ambitious, she is not. I like to be very compulsive and she is very organised. Basically we are introvert and extrovert. It's not all bad as she is very content with a sexless marriage and not to bothered about kissing, cuddling etc and just feels like we are living like mates. I have brought up the issue about sex before on multiple occasions and she says she loves me which I do believe and that she doesn't have the drive I do. I told her I miss cuddling, kissing, hand holding etc and she becomes more affectionate for about a week and then it ends and goes back to normal with just being mates again as i feel she worries it might think i want sex.

The last few times especially we have had sex she definitely has no interest, never any foreplay and just straight to it with a comment halfway through she is getting tired. It's so difficult as it's just not sex that is important It's the connection between the 2 of us.

I'm in good shape, I work very hard, I do everything I can around the house, give her lots of massages etc so it's not like I dont make the effort there. Before some people say do you think she should just give you sex for that, that's not the point. It's about desire and appreciation. I feed her compliments all the time but have given up as I have never got anything back, especially about looks.

It's really tough as I feel like I've fallen out of love with her and she is so defensive if I try and speak about it and get upsets easily.

I haven't approached counselling yet and looking to see if anyone else has been through the same thing.

Just an FYI I'm a very devoted dad, I've done so much for my family and give them everything (not in regards to just money sense but also time, love etc)

Another thing that's tough is that I got a baby sitter recently so we could go out to meet some friends. They were late and after 45 minutes she was bored and decided we should go home. Apart from feeling rejected I feel like I'm boring to her even though her herself is content with how things are.

Will approach this again after Christmas but would like to hear if others have been through the same thing?

OP posts:
Atla · 21/12/2021 17:46

It doesn't sound like you are compatible any more. If you feel like you have fallen out of love with her there isn't really any way back from that. Probably best to separate amicably in the new year.

Original poster
Dad2017 · 21/12/2021 17:54

Thanks @Atla my only fear is not seeing the kids everyday which is my biggest blocker

OP posts:
username1987a · 21/12/2021 18:03

It sounds like she's taking you for granted. Have you thought about marriage guidance counselling? It might help you get through to her that you're not happy with the status quo and want things to change. It sounds like you love her and respect her; you're carrying your weight in the relationship. It would be a shame to throw away what you have because of this when there might be a way through it. It's certainly worth a shot.

Momijin · 21/12/2021 18:04

Hi op. Most dads who comment on here complaining about lack of sex describe themselves to be absolutely amazing - share the load, lots of attention etc and I'm always cynical because that isn't usually the case in my experience. Some men (like my ex) would say he did lots but he barely did anything meaningful.

But if you are indeed doing everything you can then you have to decide whether to carry on living like this or split.

But really think about (and ask your wife) if you're sharing the physical and mental load of bringing a family up and housework equally. Also is sex satisfying for your wife?

Original poster
Dad2017 · 21/12/2021 18:12

@Momijin I understand your point and lots of people say this and I know I do everything possible and the fact my wife is content I think answers it.

It's been going on so long and I do try to bring it up over multiple occasions but nothing really changes. I don't think she realises but I think she feels as she is happy then all is good. If I do bring something up that she doesn't like (not related to sex) she is quick to shut it down but recently I have been alot stronger and less comprimisable as I'm a bit sick of it if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Atla · 21/12/2021 18:15

Well, it's really hard, but that will be the case for both of you. If she is content with how things are but you are not I don't see how it can be resolved really.

Atla · 21/12/2021 18:16

Not seeing the kids day I mean. Sorry took ages for that to post.

optimistic40 · 21/12/2021 18:31

The only thing is... even if you talk and talk about this, you are left with sex that she doesn't want. I think in your position if I wanted it to work, I would have one last try. No pressure - lots of weeks in a row with no mention of sex. Then (assuming no intimacy or sex happen) I would ask does she want the relationship to stay how it is. I would leave if the answer is yes. It would be too sad for me living without intimacy and sex in my relationship.

Original poster
Dad2017 · 21/12/2021 18:38

@optimistic40 I done that already. I brought it up already about 2 months ago in a serious conversation and as she got upset I said there is no pressure at all and within 2 days everything went back to the same and nothing has changed

OP posts:
Original poster
Dad2017 · 21/12/2021 18:44

The hardest thing is I desire her alot and not having anything back at all makes it very difficult. It's soul destroying if im honest

OP posts:
CaramelMacchiatto · 21/12/2021 18:47

Do you love her? What was your sex life like before? Was she more into it? I think a sexless marriage can only work if both are happy with it. Question for you would be: do I want to carry on like this or do I want a relationship with the physical aspect?

nodogz · 21/12/2021 18:50

What would be your ideal response to your question/post?

No shade but deep down you'll know why you posted.

It's fine to fall out of love and grow apart. It's fine to be a co-parent and raise kids together but live separately. Everyone deserves happiness.

My take on this, and it's just my take wrapped up in my baggage, is that you want a nice ego stroke for being such a good husband and how unfair the whole situation is. And you're setting yourself up to scapegoat her as the reason the relationship ended. You might do this and find the cycle repeats in 5-6 years time.

How is the emotional intimacy? With someone I've been with for ages, plus small children, plus all the drudgery of lockdown/housework, plus everyone assuming I'm the default parent and me putting myself last, I have no sex drive. Zero. And if anyone thinks they are entitled to sex for doing something or little tasks - it physically revolts me.

Talk to someone about this, look after yourself. Think about how you could co-parent and don't just lament not seeing your kids everyday. Explore where you lost your way together and why it matters so much to you. Try and up the intimacy and just take sex off the table for a while. She's in your life forever anyway so do what's right for you with kindness and purpose.

Didimum · 21/12/2021 18:55

This is a heartbreaking post. I really would sign up for counselling ASAP, preferably with a therapist also knowledgeable in intimacy and sex therapy. I really see no other avenue based on what you have described, and in all honestly you have left it far too late (as most people do). Therapy should be more a preventative at the first sign of issues rather than a fix. I hope she is willing to explore that with you. If not, at least you know you’ve done all you can.

CaramelMacchiatto · 21/12/2021 18:56

Ah right.... And you're not alone. I simply couldn't be in a relationship with no affection and sex. For me this aspect is super important. You need to find some kind of compromise. Your wife will need to realise how important it is for you

Original poster
Dad2017 · 21/12/2021 19:11

@nodogz I see this alot with comments and I understand where you are coming from but it's not like that. I have tried everything and if im honest I'm a bit offended by your ego stroke comment. If a women says what i would have said the comments will be so different as the women's comments are trusted so much more compared to a blokes. Why should a women always be more complimented than a man. I don't look at things as men and women, I look at things as humans with no difference on that part. It should always be a 2 part street. I'm absolutely dedicated and if things don't work then they don't work no matter what the sex.

I've got to a point I'm posting this to see if there is anything I have missed before I make a change and I have seen many women post the same situation with very different comments. I am a modern day man who believes in equality and looking for opinions of people to see if they have been through the same. I'm not saying your wrong but choice of words show a one sided opinion

OP posts:
Original poster
Dad2017 · 21/12/2021 19:19

@Didimum your right, I have left it far to late which is on me and will be my next step

OP posts:
Original poster
Dad2017 · 21/12/2021 19:22

@CaramelMacchiatto yep, that's what I struggle with. She's not a bad person and is lovely, I think we are just 2 different people

OP posts:
nodogz · 21/12/2021 20:05

It's alright @Dad2017 I hope you find your happiness. Sorry that the ego stroke comment upset you (I did mean the ego stroke was for supportive posts on your perspective here not about what you look like or about what you do) it wasn't my intention.

That said, I hope you make some time for reflection ideally with a therapist. Saying things like you see people not a difference between the sexes is pretty naive especially when you're "career minded" and she's at home with the kids. You might find yourself back in the same place in 5-10 years time if you're not 100% honest with yourself. Best of luck, happiness is out there.

Original poster
Dad2017 · 21/12/2021 20:24

@nodogz sorry if I missenterperated your comment. She works nearly full time and I work from home full time so I'm with the kids more in total

OP posts:
Animood · 21/12/2021 20:59

Have you tried couples counselling?

RantyAunty · 21/12/2021 21:12

You've posted before.

Has she said why she's not interested in sex? Have you asked her?

Have you asked her if you are doing enough around the house?

I'm not asking what you think it is or that you know you are, but if you have actually asked her those things and what she said.

Christmasqueenx · 21/12/2021 21:15

I think unfortunately you’re wasting your time if you try to speak to her about it again. She’ll know the issue - she’s not stupid, she won’t just forget important conversations surrounding your relationship. She doesn’t care enough to make changes. She knows she can make a little effort for a short while then you won’t bother her again about it for a few more months. I think you have two options (in this order) -

  1. marriage counselling
  2. splitting up, if a sexless marriage is a deal breaker for you.
Pky45 · 21/12/2021 21:51

@Dad2017
I’m in a similar boat, wife doesn’t isn’t interested is sex or intimacy anymore, just living as house mates, will be divorcing her next year, I would rather be alone really

Original poster
Dad2017 · 21/12/2021 21:56

@RantyAunty I have asked but she gets upset, I feel bad so don't get full answers. It's tough as I know she is not interested much in sex but I think she can't admit to it properly knowing how I'm feeling.

@Animood that's the next step

@Christmasqueenx yep, that's probably the next steps, can't see what else to do

@Pky45 yep, it sucks massively, such a horrible feeling that turns into such loneliness

OP posts:
Momijin · 21/12/2021 22:21

OP in my personal experience, if you're intimate and sharing experiences, and you're equal and you're loving and you're good in bed, women will want to have sex. But also in my experience, 1 or more of these fall by the wayside which makes sex a chore rather than a pleasure. You don't have to prove anything to us, just make sure you have everything covered before you start making serious decisions. If you're equal, if you're attentive and loving, if you respect her and pull your weight and if you're good in bed, if you lovespending time with her and you're interestedin what she says...then she will be all over you.