Sexless and lack of connection

[Dad2017]

I did raise another thread on this but think it was on the wrong channel. To fill you in on the background me and my wife have been together over 10 years. We have 2 kids together who are amazing. If I go by the sexless marriage stats I would say its been sexless for around 7 years (1-2 times a year)

She is an amazing mum and I cannot fault her in that way but when it comes to us it seems like we are in very different places ie I'm very ambitious, she is not. I like to be very compulsive and she is very organised. Basically we are introvert and extrovert. It's not all bad as she is very content with a sexless marriage and not to bothered about kissing, cuddling etc and just feels like we are living like mates. I have brought up the issue about sex before on multiple occasions and she says she loves me which I do believe and that she doesn't have the drive I do. I told her I miss cuddling, kissing, hand holding etc and she becomes more affectionate for about a week and then it ends and goes back to normal with just being mates again as i feel she worries it might think i want sex.

The last few times especially we have had sex she definitely has no interest, never any foreplay and just straight to it with a comment halfway through she is getting tired. It's so difficult as it's just not sex that is important It's the connection between the 2 of us.

I'm in good shape, I work very hard, I do everything I can around the house, give her lots of massages etc so it's not like I dont make the effort there. Before some people say do you think she should just give you sex for that, that's not the point. It's about desire and appreciation. I feed her compliments all the time but have given up as I have never got anything back, especially about looks.

It's really tough as I feel like I've fallen out of love with her and she is so defensive if I try and speak about it and get upsets easily.

I haven't approached counselling yet and looking to see if anyone else has been through the same thing.

Just an FYI I'm a very devoted dad, I've done so much for my family and give them everything (not in regards to just money sense but also time, love etc)

Another thing that's tough is that I got a baby sitter recently so we could go out to meet some friends. They were late and after 45 minutes she was bored and decided we should go home. Apart from feeling rejected I feel like I'm boring to her even though her herself is content with how things are.

Will approach this again after Christmas but would like to hear if others have been through the same thing?

@Dad2017 sorry you’re going through this. I must say when I read things had taken a turn for the better I doubted this would last long. I’m sure your wife WANTS to make it work but if she doesn’t have those sexual feelings anymore they are so unlikely to come back. She’s probably desperate to feel those things to save the marriage and there might be temporary improvements but ultimately I would always be wondering… is she just faking it because she likes our life together?

I think if my husband didn’t desire me anymore I would slowly die on the inside, I would have to leave. You deserve to be desired and your wife deserves to be with someone more compatible.

I would leave her. There’s a world out there of people who crave intimacy!

Thanks @WTHiswrongwithme I think your right. I really crave intimacy and its killing me. I think we are just too different now

@Dad2017 there is nothing wrong with your feelings. There is also nothing wrong with your wife’s feelings but ultimately you are not compatible by the sounds of it (even if you are in many other ways).

@WTHiswrongwithme I think I worry about everything I lose, house, kids etc. Everything I'd perfect apart from love

Well @Dad2017 it’s is up to you of course but for me love is a pretty major thing.
You wouldn’t “lose” your kids (!), yes you would have to move house but you would still have a home. I guess you need to think about what you would potentially lose and gain. Maybe you can live without true intimacy for the rest of your life (many people do for the reasons you describe), but I know I couldn’t.

@Dad2017
Interesting thread, I'm also going through the same thing with my partner, we're just fading apart, sex is non existent. It seems neither of us really want it, so not me or him, it's been a joint no effort made. And of course, like you said, its been going on so long, I'm now at the point, where I don't really care about fixing things at the moment.

I really hope you find happiness, it's a big change leaving, especially with kids involved, but reading the thread, weeks the right thing for you to do.

I've been thinking of doing the same, but I'm not sure how it would work and it's a bit scary finally admitting I'm done.

Sounds like you are past the point of no return now. Don’t overly worry about not seeing kids every day. I actually found my days without the kids very enjoyable and I had more energy for them when I did see them. There is no need to fall out, you have just drifted apart and become different people. It’s time to be brave now by the sounds of it.