Sexless and lack of connection

[Dad2017]

I did raise another thread on this but think it was on the wrong channel. To fill you in on the background me and my wife have been together over 10 years. We have 2 kids together who are amazing. If I go by the sexless marriage stats I would say its been sexless for around 7 years (1-2 times a year)

She is an amazing mum and I cannot fault her in that way but when it comes to us it seems like we are in very different places ie I'm very ambitious, she is not. I like to be very compulsive and she is very organised. Basically we are introvert and extrovert. It's not all bad as she is very content with a sexless marriage and not to bothered about kissing, cuddling etc and just feels like we are living like mates. I have brought up the issue about sex before on multiple occasions and she says she loves me which I do believe and that she doesn't have the drive I do. I told her I miss cuddling, kissing, hand holding etc and she becomes more affectionate for about a week and then it ends and goes back to normal with just being mates again as i feel she worries it might think i want sex.

The last few times especially we have had sex she definitely has no interest, never any foreplay and just straight to it with a comment halfway through she is getting tired. It's so difficult as it's just not sex that is important It's the connection between the 2 of us.

I'm in good shape, I work very hard, I do everything I can around the house, give her lots of massages etc so it's not like I dont make the effort there. Before some people say do you think she should just give you sex for that, that's not the point. It's about desire and appreciation. I feed her compliments all the time but have given up as I have never got anything back, especially about looks.

It's really tough as I feel like I've fallen out of love with her and she is so defensive if I try and speak about it and get upsets easily.

I haven't approached counselling yet and looking to see if anyone else has been through the same thing.

Just an FYI I'm a very devoted dad, I've done so much for my family and give them everything (not in regards to just money sense but also time, love etc)

Another thing that's tough is that I got a baby sitter recently so we could go out to meet some friends. They were late and after 45 minutes she was bored and decided we should go home. Apart from feeling rejected I feel like I'm boring to her even though her herself is content with how things are.

Will approach this again after Christmas but would like to hear if others have been through the same thing?

@Dad2017
Yep, it’s crap, I’m waiting until no fault divorce comes into law in 2022 then divorce her

@Momijin

OP in my personal experience, if you're intimate and sharing experiences, and you're equal and you're loving and you're good in bed, women will want to have sex. But also in my experience, 1 or more of these fall by the wayside which makes sex a chore rather than a pleasure. You don't have to prove anything to us, just make sure you have everything covered before you start making serious decisions. If you're equal, if you're attentive and loving, if you respect her and pull your weight and if you're good in bed, if you lovespending time with her and you're interestedin what she says...then she will be all over you.

Seriously? This certainly isn't the impression I've got in my 50-odd years. I've heard from plenty of people who just aren't into sex no matter how good the rest of the relationship is.

@Dad2017 you sound very genuine and caring and I'm really sorry you're feeling unwanted and overlooked by your wife. If you read older threads on this board you'll see there are also plenty from women who are unhappy that their men have gone off sex.
A relationship is only good if it's good for both of you. You need to explore whether things could be improved for either /both of you. Maybe there are changes which would make her feel warmer towards you.
Personally I think you need to make it clear to your wife that you are seriously unhappy, thinking about leaving, and want couples counselling. That way, she can't keep burying her head in the sand and she can't later claim that "nothing was wrong...".

Someone told me yesterday that it's important for both people in a relationship to believe that the other person could walk away. That provides an incentive to keep focusing on each other and to prioritise the relationship. I think my marriage ended in divorce partly because we both spent too long being determined not to leave. If the other person knows you'll put up with anything because you don't want to disturb the kids and family home, well, we can all become complacent.

Good luck. You sound like a decent bloke.

Did you have an active sex lite before this and did she enjoy it at that point? What there something that triggered the end of that?

If she once did enjoy sex but then stopped I’d say she is not content in the marriage and the lack of sex is simply a symptom of wider issues.

A few possible scenarios:

1. She is/has been having an affair
2. You have grown apart/she is unhappy in the marriage but feels trapped by house/kids/finances so has decided to ‘stay for the kids’
3. She has hormonal issues such as thyroid or peri-menopause
4. She is depressed/overworked

You should not just put up with the status quo just because she says so. Get yourselves booked in to see a couples counsellor ASAP (book it before Christmas if you can because in January you won’t get an appointment). If she won’t come with you, then you should still go.

@Dad2017 I really don't think your relationship is as dead in the water as you might fear. Taking out the sex and intimacy issues it sounds as though there is deep respect and affection and that is not something I'd be quick to give up.

I really struggle with sex drive or rather it really doesn't take much to put me in a "no thank you" head space. Can I make some little suggestions without in any way implying that you aren't pulling your weight??

Once or twice a week do something that is normal day to day grunt work that you wife truly HATES. For me it's early mornings/school prep. I just despise waking and rushing to a timetable, it gets me flustered and ruins my morning some days. Don't bring her attention to it, dont be making an announcement or proclamation, just do it and move on with the day and if she mentions it just give her a smile and a quick kiss/hug and move along.

Mental load. It's a killer. Now this gets mistaken by many as the housework/school runs/shopping etc but actually its the remembering family members birthdays and organising the gift and card or a school friends party, or show, or parents evening. Or that the prescriptions need requesting or picking up, or that DC looks to have had a growth spurt and will need new shoes and uniform .. usually an imbalance of this behind the curtains stuff is a really killer of romance try to even it out, again without making a song and dance about it.

Lastly revert back to when you first met, the nerves, excitement the question over whether your advances were welcome, was sex further down the line? Wooing her and respecting boundaries was at the forefront of all your thoughts. Remove the thought that marriage = no need to do the flashy mating dance that got her all fired up for you all those years ago.

Laughter, connection, shared interests, new experiences, curiosity.. all those early adrenaline triggers .. rediscover them .. forget date nights .. its so contrived and carries a weight of expected sex at the end.. take her for some dance classes, pottery spinning,ice skating, crazy golf and just have a few hours back in the honey moon period.

It migh have gone on too long but I really think you both deserve to find out.

It sounds to be like she has given up on it so it’s not going to be easy from here, whatever you do. She has also learnt that getting upset gets you to back off and park the problem so I think you need to be clear in your next discussion that this is going to lead to you splitting up if things don’t get better. Ask her to agree to counselling (although it may be too late) and see where that takes you. If nothing else it can help you part on amicable terms. If you do split up, you get used to not seeing children everyday. You can still have contact with them by phone if needs be. The fear of the unknown is often worse than the reality.

You also have to be prepared for the fact that it is just you she doesn’t want sex with and that if you do split up, it is entirely possible she will have another relationship where she does want sex and that can be very hurtful, as I found out.

Have you asked her if she's actually happy in her life/ with your relationship?

I don't know what the answer is really but it can't be easy

Thanks everyone. Alot of good advice.

I think the thing that is making it harder is that I feel I'm emotionally Checking out now which makes it so much harder to push to fix things.

I have to say incase I didn't make it clear, she is a lovely person and the main problem I feel is that we have grown into different people (more me) and with the sex being minimal over so many years (even before kids) I have started to push myself to be more confident in other areas I.e trying more hobbies, seeing friends more.

It's a really tough situation and if im honest I'm struggling to see a way forward

Not sure what to add, other than some similar advice that's already been established, all the best op

So just to provide an update, things have been worse recently to the point I brought up all the problems in a non judgemental way to be hit with "oh my god you make me feel awkward". All I wanted to do was discuss everything but she was so defensive and couldn't see a middle ground. I don't think there is much of a way forward from this. Would you look at a trial separation from this point?

Op no I would try counselling first. Ideally couples, if not individual counselling. Make sure you do your research and get an experienced and fully qualified counsellor. Try the BACP website. Give it your best shot.

Your needs are not being met. You’ve tried patience, you’ve been proactive and you’ve tried to communicate that you want more intimacy. Presumably you emphasised that you also mean non-sexual intimacy?? Therefore, next step should be counselling.

There are also some unconventional alternatives to consider. These can include a parenting marriage (have a google) or an open marriage. I would explore these options down the line if after counselling you know you’re not going to reach your desired resolution. There is also the option of a trial separation.

Also, just out of interest, has your wife always been avoidant of intimacy? Have you read up about attachment styles? Have a read about avoidant attachments; there are two types - fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. Your wife might fall into one of these categories. Then try to identify your attachment style. From there you can do some research into how your two attachment styles can achieve the things you both want.

Good luck op. I know you’ve been trying hard. I know what you mean about it being soul destroying. It’s so lonely being in that place. I wish you well.

Yes To trial separation, can you get her to move out ?

@Dad2017

Counselling will only work if she wants an active sex life again which I’m assuming she doesn’t, as she is content how things are.
I think you’re clutching at straws here.

@Philly1234 the problem is I mentioned counselling but she didn't see a reason why. I think she feels like it's to much pressure now if I mention and has started analysing things like I have.

@Lady089 I think your right. Even if she wants to try to make things work I feel like this situation will never change and not sure I have the mental energy to try anymore

@Dad2017

Also I think this will, if not already, breed resentment within the relationship. This will impact you in ways you may not recognise (mental health, self-esteem etc). Only you can decide if couples counselling is for you both, it’s an avenue to explore but many will tell you, you both have to want it, to make things work.

I think it’d be a good idea to talk this through with a therapist as it’d give you a safe space to get it all out there. It might also give you the clarity you need to move forward.

On the sex front, if sex has always been as issue for your wife then that’s unlikely to change unless you’re both able to be completely honest about your feelings in the first instance. Ultimately you’ll have to decide whether or not you can live with celibacy being imposed on you.

So just to provide an update, the conversationed continued and she said she is sorry for not trying and has now turned things massively around. I've said this is last chance but to finally get some admittance is amazing. I can't repeat what is said bit its really good. Never had this response before and hopefully this turns it around

I recently ended a sexless relationship.

I just couldn't stand the lack of intimacy a second longer, the loneliness was so hard.

Haven't look back.

If she is not making an effort to fix it then it's over isn't it op.

@AnotherSillawithanS yep, this is last chance definitely otherwise it will be over

Op, I apologise.

I posted before reading your update.

I didn't mean to take the wind out of your sails.

A good response from your wife.

Wish you the very best.

Hi @Dad2017 - you could be my husband posting this... hope you aren't.

I started going off sex a few years ago, no fault of my husband at all, he's a brilliant dad, a lovely husband, does more than his fair share of chores etc. It really is a case of "it's not you, it's me" with us.

I have worked out that it's not the sex I don't like, when we get into it I enjoy it, it's that I am just too tired and emotionally touched out by the end of the day to have the energy to initiate anything. I spend all day with people at work wanting my attention, then I come home and have two small children wanting my attention, then I only get half an hour or so after they go to bed before my husband then wants my attention. By the time we go to bed I'm like "please leave me alone". By the time I've decompressed enough to possibly want to be touched... we are both asleep.

This in turn has made me not want to cuddle and kiss as I don't want to lead him on.

DH and I have had some heart rending conversations about it. He worries I have gone off him, I haven't, I love him to the moon and back, I've just gone off being touched as everyone always wants a piece of me and I haven't got any pieces left to myself. I have told him if he wants to leave that's fine, I'll be heartbroken but I'll understand.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to share my perspective and hopefully give you hope that it's not personal to you.

Can I suggest something that does help me. Go for a walk. No kids. Just you two, somewhere neutral and quiet. Don't say anything at all, just walk, hold hands, let the words come when are ready. You may find that in neutral territory away from distractions it's easier to be honest with each other.

That’s brilliant op. And you seem really happy about that so it is totally worth trying. Remember your commitment and your vows. I really hope you can work through this and bounce back stronger as a couple for doing do. Do consider (good quality) couples therapy. All the best.

Ok so another update. After discussion it finally happened and it was great. The problem is that it didn't change my feelings. I think it has gone on for too long I no longer love her. Unsure what to do and if im honest I don't think counselling would change anything. Very confused

@Dad2017
Same place here, after reading your thread and the sexless marriage thread I decided to have discussions with my partner also about the lack of sex, we have also had it just once this year, it was okay, not great, and to be honest I think she was just trying to placate me and keep me quiet, so we shall see what the next few weeks brings and how much effort she is going to put in to our relationship, sounds pretty similar to your situation.

Good luck and stay positive 🍻