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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know whether to stay with boyfriend

54 replies

welovetea · 21/12/2021 15:28

I am asking for some honest advice. I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. My friends and family have noticed what can be seen as controlling behaviour from him, an example being I had my Christmas work night out a few weeks ago and he got annoyed because I was going, asked that I didn't come back late and I felt I had to reassure him I wasn't drinking, he then ended up going out with his friends coincidentally to the pub next door. We live together and recently it has felt like I can't even FaceTime my mum or sisters as I don't want to annoy him, last night whilst on the phone to my mum I went out the room and came back in and he was lying naked on the bed and I felt as if he expected me to end the call with mum to have sex with him. We then ended up arguing and he ended up saying 'you need to have a good reason to not want to have sex'. I felt disgusted after he said this but don't want to tell my family about it because I do love him. He has also previously stated he doesn't like it when I wear makeup, and last Christmas i was bought a leather coat and he didn't like it when I wore it because 'I looked too nice in it'. I do love him but I'm just in two minds what to do. I am 19 is 18. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 21/12/2021 15:30

Run for the hills and don’t look back
He is controlling
He didn’t coincidentally end up in the pub next to you it was deliberate
You are sooooo young - get out now and have a wonderful Xmas

bestdhever · 21/12/2021 15:31

Leave now...oh my god seriously you are so young...go and live your life without him!!

HollyChristmas · 21/12/2021 15:31

Yes you need to dump him. He is immature and controlling. You are young and the relationship is fairly new as well . Spend the next 10 , 20 years worrying about the repercussions of phoning your family or buying an item of clothing ? Nope .

SummerInSun · 21/12/2021 15:36

This can't possibly be real, surely??? If so, GET OUT NOW. He is a controlling jerk and your post is full of red flags - trying to cut you off from family and workmates, being jealous of you look too good, resenting you having fun with other people, expecting sex on demand. You may love him, but that doesn't mean he is worthy of your love. Bail, and go find someone who is.

fallfallfall · 21/12/2021 15:37

You deserve someone who trusts you. And no, you DON’T need a good reason to not have sex! He’s being very insecure. Childlike behavior.

Penguinsmum · 21/12/2021 15:37

Omg !!! You have your whole life ahead of you! Don't waste it with this loser!

Vapeyvapevape · 21/12/2021 15:38

Please don’t stay with him, it will wreck your confidence and self esteem which will be very hard to get back once gone . These men get into your head and make you doubt everything, they make you distance from friends and family until you are solely dependent on them .
You are so young, don’t put up with this.

lastqueenofscotland · 21/12/2021 15:38

Leave yesterday.
Red flags all over the place

Comedycook · 21/12/2021 15:39

Oh get rid of him! And if you do stay...make sure you have reliable contraception.

happychristmasbum · 21/12/2021 15:43

Dump him.

He sounds like a controlling arse. Whose flat is it? Can you go back home? You don't have to tell your family anything you are uncomfortable with - just that things didn't work out and you know you will be happier single/with someone else.

HollowTalk · 21/12/2021 15:54

If this is real, give yourself the best Christmas present in the world and dump him.

sunnyzweibrucken · 21/12/2021 15:56

Ew gross. The laying naked on the bed wanting you to be off the phone would be the end for me.

Gloriagayn · 21/12/2021 15:58

Dump as fast as you can and block as he will be a pain in the arse after too.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 21/12/2021 16:03

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Bin him. Now.

Mammma91 · 21/12/2021 16:04

Run!!!! You do NOT have to have to give ANY reason as of to why you don’t want sex. Not wanting to is enough. This is abusive. Don’t commit. Go home to your family and be 19. Have fun. Have a drink. Wear what you want. Do anything to want (safely!). X

bellalou1234 · 21/12/2021 16:05

Run for hills. My first boyfriend was exactly the same. Turned up on nights out, started fights, demanded I didn't wear make up. I had a lucky escape. Your too young for that shit.

Runnerduck34 · 21/12/2021 16:07

Sorry as I know this will be difficult but honestly you need to leave him. There are a lot of red flags listen to your family and friends and get out now, it will only get worse. He is very controlling he doesn't own you, you should be able to see friends and family without any upset and be able to say no to sex anytime and for any reason you want!

EarthSight · 21/12/2021 16:09

Dump.

I understand you love him and it sounds harsh, but seriously, you're too young for this shit. DO NOT be the woman who spends decades trying to change her partner whilst her world gets smaller and smaller.

When I read problems on her, I try to take into consideration that I might not know all the facts.

For example, in your case I was considering that you might be going out drinking heavily all the time, and that he just didn't want to live like that, or that you might Facetiming people excessively.

However when I read the following, I think I got a fairly good picture of who he is -

you need to have a good reason to not want to have sex

This a warning sign of what's to come for you in future. He feels entitled to sex and so you have to have an excuse, a 'good reason' not to put out. This kind of attitude does not end well for women, as some unsavoury men (understatement) use it to justify sexual abusive and trampling of boundries.

Coyoacan · 21/12/2021 16:11

Your life will be hell if you stay with him. Little by little you will end up without any friends and a strained relationship with your family. It will be even harder to leave because he will be your only human company.

Orreries · 21/12/2021 16:13

What in your young life has got you to such a bad place that you’re living with this deeply unpleasant youth, and not even sure whether his behaviour merits leaving him???

Run, run, run. Run like Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce.

Pinkbonbon · 21/12/2021 16:15

Next he will be insinuating you are cheating and calling you a slag. Maybe punching walls or breaking your things. Then,hitting you.

Go. Leave now.

Love yourself the most.

If he gives you any grief once you leave him (which hopefully he won't if you block him everywhere) dob very slow to call the police. His kind often tell you you'll not cope without them. Or they go the other way and say they won't cope and threaten suicide. It's bs. All about control.

You are worthy of your own love. He is not. There will be other loves. Ones that are worthy.

Christmascakecakecheese · 21/12/2021 16:15

Get out. You don't need permission to talk to your family, to wear a nice coat, to go out for a drink. This is very alarming and you need to finish it as it'll only get worse.

Pinkbonbon · 21/12/2021 16:16

*don't be slow to call

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2021 16:22

Please take notice of what the other respondents are writing here.

What happened to you that at a mere 19 years of age you are with someone like this controlling man?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like this?.

Love your own self for a change and rebuild your life without this abusive man in it.

You don't love him; you perhaps are in love with the idea of him and wonder where the Nice Man He Was has gone. That was an act he put on for you to draw you in and it will not return. You are perhaps also confusing love here with codependency and what he is doing to you is in no way loving behaviours. Men like this hate women, ALL of them.

Bin this man off and block all ways of he being able to contact you.
Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

Your life will indeed become more hellish if you remain with him because he will continue to isolate you socially and from your family.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/12/2021 16:23

His behaviour will get worse. He is trying to isolate you from friends and family so that when it does get worse you feel you have no one to turn to.

Don’t stay with him. Confide in someone you trust and work out a way to leave safely. Then cut contact and block.

His behaviour gives me chills. Yes it may be hard to do and it may cost you some money but that is nothing compared to the impact it will have on you if you stay.

I know you are young and you probably think that love conquers all but it really doesn’t. Love dies when you feel trapped and scared all the time. Flowers. Be brave, seek help and get out