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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know whether to stay with boyfriend

54 replies

welovetea · 21/12/2021 15:28

I am asking for some honest advice. I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. My friends and family have noticed what can be seen as controlling behaviour from him, an example being I had my Christmas work night out a few weeks ago and he got annoyed because I was going, asked that I didn't come back late and I felt I had to reassure him I wasn't drinking, he then ended up going out with his friends coincidentally to the pub next door. We live together and recently it has felt like I can't even FaceTime my mum or sisters as I don't want to annoy him, last night whilst on the phone to my mum I went out the room and came back in and he was lying naked on the bed and I felt as if he expected me to end the call with mum to have sex with him. We then ended up arguing and he ended up saying 'you need to have a good reason to not want to have sex'. I felt disgusted after he said this but don't want to tell my family about it because I do love him. He has also previously stated he doesn't like it when I wear makeup, and last Christmas i was bought a leather coat and he didn't like it when I wore it because 'I looked too nice in it'. I do love him but I'm just in two minds what to do. I am 19 is 18. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 21/12/2021 16:23

Definitely run!

I would bet my house that if/when you try to end it, he will start to try and pull at your heartstrings.

As in.... ' I just love you so much'

'But it's my < insert trauma> that makes me act like this'

'But you did that thing that one time which was slightly off, so you MADE me insecure, and you deserve it'. ( IE he'll try and convince you that you deserve his shitty behaviour)

It's all crap designed to manipulate you - whether he understands what he is doing or not.

It doesn't matter if he is loving and sweet sometimes, or if he always makes you a cup of tea, or is fantastic in bed. That is just window dressing.

You cannot have a functioning adult relationship without respect.
In order to fully respect someone, you have to understand that they are their own person, and they have equal rights to happiness/ fulfillment etc.
What he is doing is SHOWING you that he doesn't see you as a person equal to him. He sees you as someone whose function is to prop up his ego.
That is dependence NOT respect.

You deserve a billion tons more than what this half developed guy is offering you.

Bananalanacake · 21/12/2021 16:24

Bet it was his idea to live together so he could control you. Can you stay at your parents and don't go back.

petalsandstars · 21/12/2021 16:25

Dump him now

Get out - you have your whole life ahead of you. Go and live it before you end up isolated and trapped!!

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 21/12/2021 16:56

Leave now whilst you're not tied to him by marriage and kids, trust me, it WILL get worse

2catsandhappy · 21/12/2021 17:16

This made my heart sink.
Run, run run.
This will not get better. It will get worse and worse, step by step, bit by bit.
My abuse started with, "I don't like you wearing lipstick." How innocent is that? 18 years of abuse I had. Mental, physical and financial. It creeps up.
Don't be me sweetheart.

Atla · 21/12/2021 17:21

Oh my god you are so young. Please leave him. His behaviour will only get worse. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please talk to your family and leave. Don't look back.

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2021 17:28

He’s very controlling
Go stay with your family

HarrisonStickle · 21/12/2021 17:32

because I do love him

WHYYYYYYY????????

He's an arsehole. Please dump him and get your life back. No person should be trying to control another like this. Get out soon as you can.

bestdhever · 21/12/2021 17:37

@OP that's not love...believe me

optimistic40 · 21/12/2021 18:52

Gross. No. You are probably going to end up really put off him before long anyway with this behaviour.

TattoedLady · 21/12/2021 18:55

OP my story is similar. It started with lesser controlling behaviours - wanting to know who I was with, demanding I come home at certain times (going so far as to collect me to make sure I came home when he wanted), comments on my clothes, makeup and how I spoke. He cut me off from family, refused to let me socialise with my friends, and when I did he'd 'magically' showed up. I'm not sure when the belittling started but I know it did - how stupid I was, how when I did [insert anything] I made a fool of myself and embarrassed him. He questioned my sanity, demeaned me sexually and in the end (what I now know was) gaslighting did a good job of turning my world into little more than misery and self-doubt. Eventually he hit me.

I loved him too and like you I felt too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on. But when a man's behaviour makes you feel like you can't tell anyone about it, it's time to leave.

And I know you know this but you don't need any reason not to want to have sex.

Dery · 21/12/2021 18:59

"This can't possibly be real, surely??? If so, GET OUT NOW. He is a controlling jerk and your post is full of red flags - trying to cut you off from family and workmates, being jealous of you look too good, resenting you having fun with other people, expecting sex on demand. You may love him, but that doesn't mean he is worthy of your love. Bail, and go find someone who is."

This with bells on. The behaviour you are describing is abusive. It's an incredibly bad sign that he thinks it's okay to treat you this way. Basically, he doesn't see you as a human being - he sees you as his possession, his toy, who has to be at his beck and call, who is not allowed to have an independent existence, not allowed to see who she wants, not allowed to dress how she wants, not allowed to say no to sex if he wants to have it. If that's his attitude, he's a rapist in the making.

The feelings you have for him are not a healthy love because with healthy love we cannot truly love someone who is bad for us. He may be extremely physically attractive so you may fancy the pants off him. He may coo over you and make you feel safe and loved when you're doing exactly what he wants you to do and in an abusive relationship it's possible to become addicted to the relief and ecstasy that comes when your abusive partner is treating you well. So you may feel longing for him - or longing for the version of him when he's behaving like a decent boyfriend. But it's not love - or not a healthy love - because a healthy love does not allow you to stay with someone who is bad for you. And even if you do love him - you have to love yourself more - because your life will be an absolute nightmare if you stay with this guy.

As PP have suggested - look at Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" and also "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood may be interesting to you.

QuestionNumberOne · 21/12/2021 19:00

Leave him now.

Otherwise lose years in misery and suppression.

Cici22 · 21/12/2021 19:04

Get rid of his love. The best thing here is you are already aware this isn't normal behaviour. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let someone like home ruin it

thefourgp · 21/12/2021 19:08

It’s only going to get worse. If you don’t do it now, you’ll be back on these boards in a few years crying about being trapped with someone who isolates, rapes and abuses you. Get out now.

Dery · 21/12/2021 19:08

You might also find it interesting to hear FKA twigs' podcast with Louis Theroux where she talks about the abusive relationship she was in: www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p091pg54 . The podcast is at this link. The relevant section starts around 45 minutes in because FKA twigs specifically contacted Louis Theroux again to discuss her experiences of being in an abusive relationship. Some of the things she describes will sound very familiar to you.

FAQs · 21/12/2021 19:55

What happened to you that at a mere 19 years of age you are with someone like this controlling man?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like this?. @AttilaTheMeerkat seriously! You're showing a huge lack of insight into how abusive relationships grow and being very patronising in the process. Victims of abuse come from all sorts of backgrounds and ages.

Anyway.. @welovetea this doesn't sound healthy and you're worried so follow your instincts on this and don't be afraid to speak to friends and family about it.

thenewduchessoflapland · 21/12/2021 20:06

Next he'll have you pregnant;he'll want you at home with the baby so you'll give up your job;then it'll be you doing everything all of the childcare,cooking,cleaning,washing etc and on a tight leash financially.

He'll refuse to look after the kid so you'll have no freedom so no time spent alone with friends or family or nights out.You'll drift away from them and you'll be isolated.

You'll be belittled,verbally abused and have your confidence and self esteem eroded away.Then comes the depression,the anxiety,the walking on eggshells and being a nice little subordinate for this man.

Then if your really unlucky thé physical abuse will begin too.

Dump him.Go home to your family;live the life you deserve to.

Lovemusic33 · 21/12/2021 20:12

Listen to your friends and family, they are usually right (I have learnt this the hard way). Your young and shouldn’t be loving with someone you have only been in a relationship with for a year let alone someone who wants to control you. Ditch him.

1ofthosedayz · 21/12/2021 20:13

Run!

Aprilx · 21/12/2021 20:22

Why are you living with someone at age 19?!

You need to get out. The things you have said have all the hall marks of abuse and something going very very wrong down the track. And in case I need to spell it out, men that behave like your boyfriend in the relatively early days go on to murder their girlfriend / partner / wife.

Branleuse · 21/12/2021 22:50

I think just the fact you wrote this thread shows that youre smart enough to know you deserve better than this. These are the best days of your life. No point wasting them on some dickhead who cant even cope with you wearing a nice coat fgs or tries to spy on your nights out.
Can you move back home with your parents or a friend?

Dery · 22/12/2021 00:23

“You need to get out. The things you have said have all the hall marks of abuse and something going very very wrong down the track. And in case I need to spell it out, men that behave like your boyfriend in the relatively early days go on to murder their girlfriend / partner / wife.”

This with bells on. This man could be a real danger to you. Get away from him ASAP.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 22/12/2021 07:58

You’re 19, you don’t need this shit in your life. Nothing about his behaviour is normal or healthy or loving. He’s manipulative and controlling.

You can wear whatever you want, do whatever you want and wear as much make up as you like, how dare he tell you otherwise. There is a reason your friends and family think he’s controlling, listen to them!!! They’re waving big red flags for a reason!

This is not love. Love is someone cherishing, encouraging and adoring you. Tell him to fuck off and grow up.

ChargingBuck · 22/12/2021 12:18

'you need to have a good reason to not want to have sex'

Stay with him & he'll be raping you within 12 months.
Guaranteed.

Dump him - preferably by text - because he is a controlling monster who will be very hard to shake off in person. Please also tell your family - they have seen the signs, they will believe you, they will have your back. In fact, tell your family BEFORE you dump him. You will need their moral support when this controlling fucker tries to manipulate you into staying with him.