How important is money in your relationship?

[lbsnsp12]

Looking to get a bit of advice from those who have gone before me.

My relationship is very stable and I'm extremely happy with my DP. He is a good, kind, honest and caring man and for these reasons I genuinely can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He makes me laugh and I feel so comfortable and happy around him. Of course, we sometimes argue like any couple but overall I'd say we are both very happy and have been together 4 years. We are both early-mid twenties and are starting to think about our future, buying a house etc. My only slight reservation is that our careers are quite different and I'm worried how adding financial burdens to our relationship will affect it. My DP will probably if he continues in his career end up earning a fairly average salary, he didn't go to university. I am in my final year of education and whilst I could be totally wrong I think I'll probably be the higher earner out of us.

He is very sensible with money and is good at saving etc, I just worry how a disparity in income will affect us when it comes to things like renting/buying a house and extras like holidays. I'm fine being the higher earner but I don't ever want to feel like I'm carrying someone along or any sense of resentment.

I know money is not the be all and end all which is why I don't want to leave this man when everything else is so perfect but we all know money is a contentious subject and what a lot of couples argue the most about. I want to figure out how I can ensure this doesn't become an issue and see if anyone has any advice/tips?

. It's more about how he handles money rather than how much he has. He could earn a fantastic salary but be very irresponsible about it.
Imagine if a man had written this ?
I don't ever want to feel like I'm carrying someone, is really not a very nice way of looking at it.
How many women earn less than men ?
Also if you are going to have children then you may want to think about who will stay at home. Will it be you as the higher earner ?
My DH and I never argued about money we both had the same ethos. We didn't get into debt other than the mortgage and we both had the same amount of spare cash each so we were both able to do and buy things if we wanted to. We had a joint account and our own accounts and it was never an issue. I looked after the children so worked less and therefore earnt less, that was still work and hard work at that.

You need to work out if it’s a deal breaker to you.

Personally, I want to have shared money in a marriage and a husband who earns enough to allow me to work part time comfortably when we have children, so a low earner wouldn’t have suited me. I’ll get flamed for that I’m sure but I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to live a comfortable lifestyle with a nice house etc. I am a six figure earner myself so I have plenty to bring to the table and I wanted a partner who could keep up with that. DP currently earns slightly less than me but is on track to match my current salary and then become the higher earner when I go part time.

I think I’d end up very resentful if I couldn’t work part time after children because of a low earning partner and I kept this in mind when I was dating.

In a long term, very serious relationship I would treat both incomes as family money and wouldn’t be worried about disparity when it comes to mortgage and holidays. What I would certainly discuss at length is what would happen if you had children. Would your partner be on board with becoming the main parent so you could continue to be the main breadwinner?

I agree with you RosieGuacamoise.
Whatever the circumstances its best to
think about these things before committing.

Would your partner be on board with becoming the main parent so you could continue to be the main breadwinner?

Would you even want that? I’d hate it if my partner wanted to rely on my salary so he could be the “main parent”.

Our incomes have never been vastly different, at worst one earning twice the others salary. We keep separate finances but maintain a lifestyle comfortably achieved splitting costs 50:50.

A major discrepancy in earning where one of us was carrying the other longer term I think would be difficult.

Why do you assume you will earn more? I think you have to look at his industry and work ethic...it's those factors that drive income.

I assume you don't earn yet so how do finances work now?

Just because you went to uni doesn't mean you'll necessarily earn more. I have lots of friends who didn't go to uni and out earn me.

As long as he's working and sensible then it wouldn't bother me if I earned more money. But I'm not materialistic and being wealthy isn't what I look for in a man. Many careers/businesses that mean a high income also goes together with a big sacrifice to family life and the one who doesn't earn as much's career being deprioritised.

Thanks for all your comments. Certainly some things to consider as I would definitely want to be a mum and take a short career break. I just want to add that I don't necessarily see it as "carrying someone" - I am very much a feminist and believe it shouldn't matter who earns more but I know when life gets stressful it is easy to look for something or someone to blame and I don't want this to ever be the case over finances.

As I said, I can't be certain that I will always be the higher earner. Who knows what's around the corner? But the types of jobs I will go for and that will be available to me when I finish university match his current salary and are only likely to increase with experience. As we don't currently live together, our finances are totally separate. I do work alongside studying and we split costs on days out, will treat each other. It's pretty fair atm and he is extremely generous with me which is lovely. Having a nice life is important to me, a nice house etc but what's it all for if you end up with a wealthy arsehole?!

So many other factors. He is a high earner a great achiever then he went and had an affair. He earns loads so it was a shock when I found out he had a gambling habit. If only he spent some of his money on me and the kids rather than his hobbies.

Tomorrow is not a promise so try to enjoy the time now.

@RosieGuacamosie

You need to work out if it’s a deal breaker to you.

Personally, I want to have shared money in a marriage and a husband who earns enough to allow me to work part time comfortably when we have children, so a low earner wouldn’t have suited me. I’ll get flamed for that I’m sure but I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to live a comfortable lifestyle with a nice house etc. I am a six figure earner myself so I have plenty to bring to the table and I wanted a partner who could keep up with that. DP currently earns slightly less than me but is on track to match my current salary and then become the higher earner when I go part time.

I think I’d end up very resentful if I couldn’t work part time after children because of a low earning partner and I kept this in mind when I was dating.

I would very much agree with this. It's worth giving it the thought that you are giving it now.

But I would also agree with the other posters who say that at this point you can't tell which of you will earn more. Opportunities come up all the time that you would never be able to foresee and some of those opportunities can lead to a complete change in direction of your career. What's more important is his attitude both to money and to his career. If his work ethic matches yours, if he wants more for himself and for you both, then these are good signs.

I think you are very sensible to consider this. I was in a similar situation when I got together with DH. He was a bit older so earning more than me. For various reasons I knew he was unlikely to be more than an average earner. I was about to start my professional qualifications and knew that I was likely to overtake him salary wise after a few years. We had similar attittudes to spending/saving which is probably more important.

I decided that I didn't mind being the higher earner and contributing more to bills etc but the deal breaker was that he was ok with this. I could not have lived with a man who either took the piss by not contributing , made passive aggressive comments about the situation or complained about my career.

We didn't really talk about what would happen when we had children as we didn't think we would have any. As it happens it 16 years before DS came along so we were at the expected point where I was earning near double what he was. It really depends on the monetary and career situation at the time but it is worth having a general conversation about what would happen so that you know what his attitude is. I knew my DH wouldn't be an arsehole whatever I decided about work.

I don't see it that way at all. For me when you're deciding to spend your life with someone, build a family etc then you pool resources. One person might earn more at one time and someone else might earn more at another time. As long as you're both putting in to the relationship, which is much more about physical or mental effort than money I feel, then it doesn't matter.

But what I think isn't really important, it's your life. How important do you think it should be?

I agree that what matters here is what is important to you.

I had (still have!) particular values that were of utmost importance to me. I wouldn't have married someone who didn't possess them. Money happened not to be one of them.

I married a man who met (frankly, exceeded) those values. We are very happy, we have been together over 14 years and have DCs. He didn't bring money to the table and is a SAHP. I enjoy working and have no issue being the breadwinner. I have had the benefit of having lots of support during my maternity leaves as he is here. And I rather love spending time with him, so bonus!

I realise this wouldn't work for everyone, but it works for us, because money was never a dealbreaker for me, other things were my priority and so that was what I prioritised.

My first marriage ended - amongst other reasons- because he wouldn’t pool all our money and was very much a mine is mine and yours is yours man. Which worked fine when we were both young and earning similar amounts in full time roles but as we got older I developed disabilities and was made redundant and couldn’t work the way I did before, and he basically got fed up with me - he didn’t like the idea of us being a family rather than two financially independent people. It caused a huge rift in our marriage and we got divorced eventually. We had a dd too in the middle of it all and even then he basically kept his own “spending money” and we even had rows about how he thought he should contribute less to the food budget because he was okay eating just plain pasta and didn’t think he should subsidise myself and dds tastes. Yeah. That ridiculous.

When I met my now dh (been married 15 years now) I was very quick to discuss money quite early on. Sounds weird but I wanted to make sure we had the same views. We share all our income, everything goes into one account and goes out of one account and we transfer a set and same amount of spending money to our own personal accounts for spending (but even these are in joint names so we can both see what’s in them). We treat all money as family money.

The higher earner doesnt matter here and I have never questioned it.
Ithe higher earner has changed over several times in the last 15 years.

For what its worth, I have a degree and a professional qualification. He has a high school education and earns more than me.

I see a few potential issues with your relationship.
You got together in your late teens, judging by your ages. And you haven’t had much experience dating others as adults.
Often these sort of relationships run into trouble at around mid 40s. As people grow up and mature - a great fit at 20 doesn’t necessarily mean a fit at 40.
Additionally, having spent 20 years with one partner, and having missed out on dating and exploring the opposite sex in your 20s - people get bored/ or just wonder what else is put there. It is very difficult to pair up for life at 20 and still maintain a fulfilling relationship.

Secondly, it seems that you are going into some sort of professional career. You’ll be surrounded by similarly educated people and eventually, over the years, you’ll have more in common with them than with your bf. You will outgrow him, and might get bored/seek people more similar to you.

And this ties to the money issue. You said you want to have a nice life. And you’ll be able to afford it. You are also, by the sound of it, ambitious and driven. And this may become an issue - and you may end up resenting him. As even a professional woman would have to take a bit of time off for childbearing. And not having a solid financial backup in a partner will be difficult.
In my experience - professional and educated women sometimes ended up with men that earned less. But it would have been similarly educated men who were in careers that pays less - say academia; or in creative fields.

Why are you so in a rush to make a decision for the rest of your life? You seem to be clinging to him as if he was the last ever good guy you will ever meet.

Why not just date for now and see how your life turns out when you get a job? You aren’t going to be buying a house off your starting salary, so relax and enjoy life.
You don’t need to plan too much ahead just yet. It’s the beauty of your age.

It’s so stupid to even be asking the question when you’re already in a happy, stable relationship with this man. He’s hardly a waster just because he didn’t go to university! Just enjoy your relationship.

@RosieGuacamosie

Would your partner be on board with becoming the main parent so you could continue to be the main breadwinner?

Would you even want that? I’d hate it if my partner wanted to rely on my salary so he could be the “main parent”.

That’s pretty hypocritical considering that’s what you expected of your husband

You never know whats round the corner so making decisions based on today’s environment may not be sensible.

All I'd say is that it doesn't always go smoothly. Me and DH have been together a really long time and started out in your positions.

Over 20 years, I have had x2 maternity leaves, returned only part time after the second one. My mom got sick and I had to stop work. For 4 years.

In that time, he has changed career once, started a business from scratch. Been put on gardening leave and been made redundant. When we were applying for our first mortgage! He has virtually no pension and we're trying to build up now that we're both working.

We've always just supported each other. And accepted that shit happens.

What we do have, is a very similar work ethic and home focus. The money is secondary, as long as we have no wolves at the door.

The best thing to do is to never push the boundaries of your lifestyle beyond your income, or even near it. That way, if you want to take a break from work after having children you can rely on your dp’s salary and savings to get you through. I had a lot of friends who had to go back to work at 9 months due to big mortgages, etc., and that’s even with partner’s with good salaries.

Hi OP. I genuinely don’t think money is a key factor. Life is so much more complicated than that - either of you can get ill, or be made redundant, or inherit, or get an amazing opportunity, or have caring responsibilities. Over the course of a long relationship a lot of good and bad things are likely to happen. Shared values and a deep commitment to the relationship are what carry people through. Over commitment to Plan A, and seeing your partner as someone who facilitates your plans, do not.

I'm the higher earner and married to someone who probably earns 2/3 of my salary.

We pool our money and split whatever is left 50/50, so yes, I pay for more than he does, but proportionally we spend the same. However we are married and we also do 50/50 housework, life admin etc. I have a more expensive taste in cars and buy more clothes than him, all this comes from our joint outgoings, so actually, when you look at it, I probably spend more than him and we have the same 'spends'

We put money into savings for holidays and we have a joint mortgage.

I do sometimes find it stressful that if my dh lost his job we'd still be ok money wise, but if I did we'd have issues. It can be a burden and I do feel the responsibility for keeping us afloat, but it's the same for a lot of men who are the higher earners

I think money is very important in a relationship. Particularly peoples attitudes towards debt.

I hate debt. I've seen how it can screw people over. I don't get things on credit cards / cars on finance.

If I was with someone who wanted to pay monthly for things, it would freak me out! I find it so stressful to exceed income/ have balances on a credit card.