How important is money in your relationship?

[lbsnsp12]

Looking to get a bit of advice from those who have gone before me.

My relationship is very stable and I'm extremely happy with my DP. He is a good, kind, honest and caring man and for these reasons I genuinely can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He makes me laugh and I feel so comfortable and happy around him. Of course, we sometimes argue like any couple but overall I'd say we are both very happy and have been together 4 years. We are both early-mid twenties and are starting to think about our future, buying a house etc. My only slight reservation is that our careers are quite different and I'm worried how adding financial burdens to our relationship will affect it. My DP will probably if he continues in his career end up earning a fairly average salary, he didn't go to university. I am in my final year of education and whilst I could be totally wrong I think I'll probably be the higher earner out of us.

He is very sensible with money and is good at saving etc, I just worry how a disparity in income will affect us when it comes to things like renting/buying a house and extras like holidays. I'm fine being the higher earner but I don't ever want to feel like I'm carrying someone along or any sense of resentment.

I know money is not the be all and end all which is why I don't want to leave this man when everything else is so perfect but we all know money is a contentious subject and what a lot of couples argue the most about. I want to figure out how I can ensure this doesn't become an issue and see if anyone has any advice/tips?

Like you have said it may not be a problem now, but in the future when your want to buy an average family home in and OK area that will set you back quite a bit now days, also the kind of holidays you can do is dictated by disposable income, having children and the opportunities you want to give them is dictated by money, if you need someone earning roughly the same as you later on in life to want to be able to do those things then I would say get it sorted straight away otherwise in 5 years time your partner will still not be earning much and you won't be able to live the life you have planned out as you won't have the money to do the things you want

You can't plan for every eventually. DH and I were in your positions in our early 20s. Now he's the main earner and I haven't progressed much in 10 years. Most of my friends who were in long term relationships in their 20s have now separated as well. I've also recently lost two people close to me to cancer, both aged under 45. So for all the best laid plans, life will still fuck everything up.

I do think it's more important to be on the same page with attitudes etc rather than the actual amounts. So if you're both savers, great. If one is thirfty and the other likes to splurge, this is when problems start.

The biggest impact on your career and earning potential as a woman will probably be children, if you go onto have them. Maternity pay is shit. Childcare is very expensive (and something you will need to pay until they are at school as an absolute minimum). FWIW, children will also have the biggest impact on your relationship and in most cases was the cause of my friend's relationships ending.

I think a disparity in income is not what causes issues in a relationship, it’s when your attitudes toward money, or what lifestyle you want, are too different.

I think you need to have similar aspirations for life. if you desire a certain lifestyle and are willing to work hard to achieve it, but your DP is happy with something more modest, you could easily end up feeling resentful of him.
Conversely, if he’s not money driven and thinks work/life balance is the most important thing but you end up doing a job that demands all of your time he could end up feeling resentful about that.

So the key thing is in discussing what you both want from life and deciding how compatible your goals are to each other.

I have earned twice as much as DH at times. He had earned twice as much as me at times. Sick leave , maternity leave, redundancy. A lot changes in a lifetime. We have always shared everything.

You don’t know what the future brings. My dh never went to university, I did. He’s the higher earner. W

I think it’s the attitude to money, rather than how much you earn. Are you both singing off the same hymn sheet when it comes to;savings, the future etc? Generally the disparity in relationships is if one person fritters away the money, doesn’t hold a steady job, wants to become an artist/pop star/record producer etc, rather than difference in potential earnings.

I find it a little bit baffling that you think you'll be earning more than him before you've started working...You might not get a job that pays as much as you'll think you'll get paid.
Also, early 20s is far too young to base future earnings on. Many of the richest people I know now we're still unsure what they wanted to do at that age or travelling, or bumming about.

So it's OK for the man to be the main bread winner so the woman gets the pleasure of watching her kids grow and eventually say it's too late to go back to work as it often happens????

It doesn't matter who earns more it's about do you have similar values re money. Also if you want children will you both work or will one of you sah or go part time. It may make more sense for higher earner to work full time but it doesn't have to be the case.

Disparity doesn't come in to it for us, we've had joint finances - everything in to the one account for 13 years now, although we've only been. married for you. If you're committed and in love than you should be a team and it doesn't matter who earns what. My husband is the higher earner in our relationship, although we both have good salaries he earns significantly more, 90k vs my 60k. It's never ever been an issue.

married for 2 that should say!

For me, marriage is about sharing and building a life together. The money is family money. That doesn't mean that you aren't allowed something for yourself, or that you couldn't have a seperate private bank account with some savings etc, but what it DOES mean is that you are both living the same sort of lifestyle and spending from the same pot. I think if you're going into it thinking about potential resentment building because you are "carrying" the other one, then maybe marriage isn't for you, at least not with this person.

DH and I have both been the main breadwinner at different points. We've both been unemployed or taken career breaks at different times, and the other has covered everything. There was no resentment as it wasn't one of us paying for the other, it was just a different person earning the bulk of the money for that period of time, whilst the other one picked up more of the home duties.

I fully appreciate that other people have different views, and I know some people prefer to have completely separate finances to their spouse. To me it sounds awful but as long as they are comfortable with their decision, that's the important thing.

We got married at 18. After my dc were born 8 years later I only ever worked p/t.
My dh let me sort all the finances even though I was only earning about a 1/4 of his salary. It’s pension you need to look at. If my dh left me I would be financially shafted in my old age. Fortunately he seems to quite like me still.

I agree that it's attitude towards money/finance that's important rather than actual amounts. When DH and I met we were earning fairly similar salaries and both had our own homes so both put money into our first home together - over the years my DH's salary increased, I had a career change & went back to college for a year, then close to work part time; we both took a year out to travel together & then I had 12 years as a SAHM (by choice) and now work part time. DH now planning to retire but I will carry on working.

Throughout all these years (30+ ) we have only ever had a shared bank account, we have very similar values about saving, pension investment etc, neither of us is extravagant but at the same time neither of us would deny the other whatever we wanted to buy - assuming we didn't go overdrawn. Money is the one thing we never argue about so you are being very sensible to discuss it realistically now.

I’d agree with what pp have said re not knowing what is around the corner.
I didn’t marry til my mid 30s, but I had a long term rule that I didn’t date anyone who would earn significantly less than me. I didn’t want to be left as the main breadwinner and never be able to be a SAHM. As it turns out I’ve never been a SAHM (although have worked PT) out of choice (DH earns enough that I don’t need to work at all). I have an awful lot of female colleagues who work FT, providing the main or only income and seem to do 90% of the domestic chores. They are all knackered. I wouldn’t mind being the sole income if my husband ran the house, but this pretty much never seems to be the case. I did break my rule once and ended up engaged to someone on 1/3 of my salary. I ended it for a long list of reasons, that included that he was utterly useless with money and anything domestic. I would have been one of those knackered full timers who came home to a tip of a house with no dinner made.

Our incomes started out the same in our early-mid twenties. Now we're in our late thirties I earn double my husband's salary.
I've done courses and extra qualifications and moved from job to job, while my husband honestly has no ambition at all when it comes to his work. He's plodded along, very happily, in the same role for 15 years and doesn't want anything more.
I have resented it over the years, when Ive been paying for everything - especially when that's combined with him not pulling his weight enough at home. I have felt like I'm both breadwinner and skivvy combined at times.
But, we're in a really good place now that we have an arrangement where we put half of what we earn each into our joint account for holidays, diy projects, meals out and all bills etc. AND we have divided chores between us so the domestic labour is more evenly split. This all seems fairer.
My DH is excellent with money, saves and doesn't want any more than he has. We've also worked hard refurbing homes to push up the property ladder, so we're in a nice big house with small monthly mortgage payments - so he hasn't 'held us back' in that respect.
We have never wanted children, but that's the one area where, if we did, I don't know how it would work. I earn so much more, I'd have to keep working and DH would have to be a stay at home dad and I think I'd hate that! So OP, I would work out a plan for this now if you might want children.

I earn multiples of what dp earns. I situation is slightly different, as I have kids. He doesn't.

We also met when both our jobs were established and had a better idea of what was what

There's no chance of us having kids in the future

The disparity in income doesn't cause a problem. We do live in my house now. Which dp is fine with. He was saving to buy in, but he has decided to invest that money elsewhere, so that everything of mine can go straight to the kids, if I were to die.

He would, potentially, buy the house off the kids to remain here.

As its my home, I pay for upkeep 0n the house and the majority of bills. He pays towards some bills and food. He would prefer to pay more, but I would rather he had more spare money.

I also pay more into a joint account. Which we then use for things like holidays.

It doesn't cause resentment because both of our lives are better for having the other person in it. And not just because we love each other. My wage, obviously improves dps financial situation. Having him here, taking on the bigger portion of house work helps me. Having him here to ensure the kids are sorted also helps. The kids have a reliable and dependable father figure (their dad is shit).

We are a team. And it works.

Personally, I think anyone planning a future with someone should get independent legal and financial advice and revisit it often.

One thing I would always say to reduce stress and problems, if you want a career break, is don't stretch yourself.

We still live in the small 3 bed terrace I bought as a single parent when the kids were young. Given me lots more free money and if I had to take time off work, I can without salads of stress.

My mum, unexpectedly, died almost 3 weeks ago. I am planning on taking a few months off at the begining of the year. The fact that I have no debt AND a small mortgage means its mot an issue at all

We've pooled our money since marriage. I am the higher earner by some margin but my husband is a) ambitious, just in a public sector field that is less lucrative, b) sensible with money (mostly!), c) we have the same life goals/aspirations. So it causes us no issues.

He's supported me a lot in my career and I wouldn't be where I am today without him, especially true when you've been together from young age so it's important to consider the dynamics of the relationship emotionally as well as financially.

You will both need to think about and discuss life with children though if planning them; maternity leave, working patterns etc.

When you get a job. I would suggest that you pay into the company pension & they may offer free death payment in service too.

I've always had my own bank account, wages, savings, pension

I also agree that you don't know what life will have in store for you, so save for emergencies

Don't look at his job now (he can always upskill, change jobs and earn more). Look at his values around money and if they align with yours. I know what it's like to be poor and struggle, so I'd never want to go back to that. Your DP being frugal is therefore a plus, but then how does he feel about trying to earn more in the future? Does he have the desire to? If not that would be a problem. I carried DH for a few years being the main breadwinner whilst he tried a different career, but lower paying. Eventually he quit that and changed careers and now our earns me. I can't say I didn't resent him a bit because financially it was hard as overall our pay was on the low side.

There are actually two separate issues I think.

1. Are you financial/career aspirations for yourself and for a partner in line with each other
2. Do you believe you can be a partnership?

I know a number of women for whom marrying someone who made good money and had significant career aspirations was important. The women like this I know ALSO have good careers and are high earners and it's important to them to feel like they are part of a couple. That's fine. For me, that's not important and in fact, I came to realise eventually that I'd been mostly single for a long term because in fact the men who had "high flying" careers etc were not the kind of men I actually liked!

Assuming you are fine with him having different career/financial aspirations, that's fine.

On the second point, it's not about money but about feeling you're both contributing. DH earns a FRACTION of what I earn. This has been true for our entire relationship. However, we are a partnership. When I had the "big" City job and we had DC, he became a full time SAHD, which freed me up from worrying about childcare including knowing that if I had to work late that was no problem etc. As the kids have got older, he works part time and sorts the kids out after school etc.

The times it hasn't worked are when DH slips into the default-male assumption that if he's busy, all the other stuff can just be stopped. So he usually does the bulk of the washing/tidying/cleaning until he decides he just is too busy and stops. Usually we have a conversation at that point - sometimes it means him realising he's being a twat. Sometimes it means me accepting that he's busier and working more so I have to do a bit more or we have to bring in outside help. I do get annoyed that we have to have a conversation, started by me.... but the point is that we do have it and it does lead to positive change because ultimately, we both believe we need to share responsibility for making this family and home work.

Sadly, I also know a number of women who are in relationships where they earn the bulk of the money but they do not have a partnership.

IMO attitudes towards spending money are crucial, and more important than attitudes towards earning money.

Salary has no correlation to a man's character, loyalty, kindness. Salary also has no correlation to his intelligence or values. There are a lot of career paths that are just never going to be big earners. But I'd rather be with a man in an arts or vocational role because that's his passion and what makes him happy, than with a man who makes himself miserable chasing big bucks in a job he hates. I would also rather be a lower earner in a job I love myself, and this is the route I chose in life.

Personally I would also rather be with a poor artist than a wealthy banker because a partner who's cultured and artistically minded is more important to me than having a big house in an affluent area. I also don't want a materialistic partner, I simply couldn't spend time with anyone constantly thinking about keeping up with the Joneses or who correlates their status with material things. It's a matter of compatibility.

Salary now is also no guaranteed indication of future earnings. The financial high-flyer could get made redundant in 10 years time and lose everything. The struggling artist could get lucky and make it big. And people obviously change careers and industries all the time.

Attitudes to spending money are different. Does he spend frivolously? Does he spend unthinkingly? Does he spend selfishly? Because those poor money habits will apply whether he earns peanuts or gazillions.

@BHX3000

In a long term, very serious relationship I would treat both incomes as family money and wouldn’t be worried about disparity when it comes to mortgage and holidays. What I would certainly discuss at length is what would happen if you had children. Would your partner be on board with becoming the main parent so you could continue to be the main breadwinner?

This is what we do because the reality is that yours and his incomes will fluctuate over the decades. It’s already that way. He’s currently the higher earner and supporting you to complete your education. Would you do the same for him? Work while goes to further education or does a qualification? Then shit happens. A road traffic accident could instantly make one of you a complete non-earner and on disability benefits....would you leave him or how would you feel of he left you if you were the one disabled?

The idea of a true partnership is that all money is joint money. However, if you do want children, I would not make all money joint money without first getting married because of the legal protections it provides for whoever is doing infant/toddler care and also the children themselves.

OP money is one of the most important things in a relationship and money issues are the most common reasons for fights amongst couples, so yes, do think about this carefully and most importantly, discuss this with your partner before you get married. It is not so much how much money you have, how much he or you earn, but what is important is:

1. How either one of you feels about earning more or less then the other
2. What either one of you thinks is the fair way to contribute to the household, share the money you earn
3. What plans each of you has for the future regarding buying property, traveling etc
4. What are your spending habits, be honest with each other and see how you partner feels about this

There are many problems that come up in a relationship that are connected to money, having it, earning it, spending it, that you as a young couple, madly in love with each other do not anticipate and/or think will be able to deal with in a healthy and respectable way, but that is not how it always is five, ten, twenty years down the road.

Like many of the people here say, that you may be earning more then him means nothing, it is how you or he may feel about it that matters.

I'm in the same situation as you, I and my partner have been together for 5 years and we're in our late 20s.

When we got together, we both had a lot of issues. We had multiple bereavements, I was in over 20000 pounds worth of debt from substance issues, he was chronically unemployed and never had a job.

Now, I'm out of debt, he managed to support me through University and I am predicted a 1st class honours. I probably will earn more than him in the long run; however, I think just because I'm a woman why should I have to rely on a man's income?

My mother relied on my dad's income, he fucked off (excuse my language) when I was younger, she was only in a minimum wage job. He stopped paying the mortgage, we got made homeless when I was younger.

Loyalty comes in two ways, I know my partner has employment issues but he's wanting to go to college to retrain. I'm going to encourage him to learn a trade. He's supported me throughout my education, therefore, I will support him with his choices.

A lot of relationships are lost because people never want to help each other out. They never want to work on their issues.

You say your partner will always earn an average wage but he's supported you to do your University course, why don't you support him to retrain?

Don't forget where you've come from even though you're graduating.

In addition, I've seen a lot of relationships where people fall at the first hurdle because they've not had to go through the things we've done.

I had a lot of people say to me, I wouldn't be with someone who wasn't working but we've been together nearly 5 years. He has got a job in that time and he's been at it for over 2 and a half years. It makes me the proudest girlfriend ever, even if he is on minimum wage - it's still better than nothing.