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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How important is money in your relationship?

64 replies

lbsnsp12 · 20/12/2021 17:23

Looking to get a bit of advice from those who have gone before me.

My relationship is very stable and I'm extremely happy with my DP. He is a good, kind, honest and caring man and for these reasons I genuinely can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He makes me laugh and I feel so comfortable and happy around him. Of course, we sometimes argue like any couple but overall I'd say we are both very happy and have been together 4 years. We are both early-mid twenties and are starting to think about our future, buying a house etc. My only slight reservation is that our careers are quite different and I'm worried how adding financial burdens to our relationship will affect it. My DP will probably if he continues in his career end up earning a fairly average salary, he didn't go to university. I am in my final year of education and whilst I could be totally wrong I think I'll probably be the higher earner out of us.

He is very sensible with money and is good at saving etc, I just worry how a disparity in income will affect us when it comes to things like renting/buying a house and extras like holidays. I'm fine being the higher earner but I don't ever want to feel like I'm carrying someone along or any sense of resentment.

I know money is not the be all and end all which is why I don't want to leave this man when everything else is so perfect but we all know money is a contentious subject and what a lot of couples argue the most about. I want to figure out how I can ensure this doesn't become an issue and see if anyone has any advice/tips?

OP posts:
Jamesworks2hard · 22/12/2021 11:07

As someone who was stung by my ex and being on the wrong end of an empty savings account, I will honestly say, I will never have one single account with someone again.
Four years ago I met someone who I thought was perfect for me and she felt the same, after several months we had strong enough feelings to give us the idea of moving in together, my property is a small bungalow, so not big enough and her home was a rented council house, now at the time, I'd not been in her property and had no idea as to how it looked inside.
A few weeks later, I said, "tell you what, do your finances and let me know how much you can afford to put into a joint account to cover our weekly/monthly/yearly costs and I will do the same". The idea being that she had her own account, I had mine and there was a joint account that we both would agree to put a set amount in. It never happened, she refused the idea of sharing the costs and this set off an alarm bell for me. She suggested we go with the flow and see how it went, I refused, citing that my ex had stung me and I wasn't going down that route again.
She took the huff and started getting arsey with me, saying, "You weren't like this in bed last night when you wanted this and that". I said, "what has being in bed go to do with the financing of your property"? All went quiet for a few days.
After a week, I brought up the subject again and she said, "I don't want you getting involved in my finances, it's none of your business", given the fact she knew what my finances were, as she'd asked and I'd been honest and open, I was the one who was annoyed. She was well aware of the previous "robbery" committed on me and stated that she wasn't my ex and wasn't the sort of woman who would do such a thing. I told her I wasn't willing to take that risk and that my suggestion was the only route I was prepared to go down, take it or leave it.
Given the pressures I was under trying to manage the finances with my ex, I was "once bitten and twice shy", so no way on this earth was I going to do that again. For several days afterwards, she kept negging at me to look at it from her point of view, when I asked what it was, she kept saying, "it's like you don't trust me", what that has to do with her point of view I have no idea, but I wasn't going to budge.
I was sat in her front room and felt the urge to get out of there, so I told her I needed to go home, I didn't feel well at all. I drove home and spent several hours thinking about this situation.
I never heard a thing from her for two days, I tried ringing, but she didn't answer, so I jumped in the car and drove up. Upon arriving, I found her furniture piled up in the garden and a house clearance company loading it into a van. I said to her, "what's going on"? she replied, "I've ordered new furniture, so this can go to charity". "Who's going to pay for the new stuff then"? I asked, she looked at me with a simple expression and replied, "We are"!
I was floored, there had been no discussion or anything and with her refusing to talk to me about our financial situation, I decided there and then to go n further with this relationship and to get out of this situation, I dumped her on the spot. I tried walking to my car but she stood in front of me at every step I took, pleading with me to stay and talk about it, I said to her, "no, you won't even consider talking to me about a joint account, so I ain't talking to you about furniture, if, you've ordered it, you can pay for it".
She burst into tears and yelled at me, "you owe me, all the things I've done for you, all the stuff I've ordered is in joint names", I shook my head and drove away. I'd not signed any documents, so wasn't responsible for the purchase.
She's tried many times to contact me, but I ignored her, blocking her phone numbers and emails, she has witheld her number and bought another phone/sim and sometimes she gets through, but I just hang up and this is over 3 years since the event.

Be careful and keep an account of your own!.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 22/12/2021 13:55

I’ve been married 25 years and despite a huge difference in what my DH and I earn we’ve only had one disagreement about money. I think it’s more important that you gave fairly similar attitudes about money and share similar goals and one if you is not stingy. I have a friend who is not financially compatible with her husband despite them earning similar amounts because he hates to spend money and pay towards doing fun activities.

Horriblewoman · 22/12/2021 14:13

We have a disparity in our income but the same attitudes to money, saving and spending.

Unusually for Mumsnet we're a married couple who don't pool our money but we do have joint accounts which we use for mortgage and bills (pay into equally) and day to day spending (pay in proportionally to salary).

If we have children he's more likely to go part time than I am.

Fretfulmum · 22/12/2021 14:35

It’s about your attitudes to money and spending habits that matter. You could be with someone who earns far more than you but they spend frivolously and have little disposable income every month. It’s not really about the figures you earn although a very big disparity can cause it’s own issues.
What if you want to do a course in 5 years and need to take a pay cut during that time? What if your DP moves into a role that vastly pays more than you imagined? You just don’t know how life will turn out. What’s important is that your DP does at least half of household tasks so that doesn’t fall all to you. And that you have an idea about future childcare arrangements. I always thought I’d go PT after DC but honestly I disliked staying at home when the time came and I was so grateful to go back to work FT. I couldn’t ever have predicted that.
I earn more than DH currently. Not vastly but he’s been doing a PhD. But I know his salary is going to increase after his course. But 10 years ago, I had no idea he would do a PhD. What if your DP gets a big inheritance to put towards your home at some point relieving some financial burden for you both?

Numnumcookie · 25/12/2021 08:07

You need to be on the same wavelength.
I deliberately chose a career that I knew would pay well long before I met my DP. I knew I wanted the option of being able to live off my income on part time hours should the worst happen.

My DP isn't weird about me earning 3x as much as him, I see our incomes as "our money" not mine and his. Neither of us spend massive amounts on frivolous things. If there's something he really wants or needs I don't care if its my wage paying for it. Having said that I wouldn't be happy if he was regularly spending money on things for himself he could t afford solo. However he doesn't take the piss. Likewise I don't buy tonnes of stuff that is solo just for me. My salary pays for all our holidays, but I see it as paying for something I would do alone anyway. If he wasn't there I'd still have to it the same rate for a room, so it's only the flights I'm paying extra for.

DP knows I wanted to be part time if we had kids. Financially we'd be better off if I worked full time and he stayed at home, but he understands my need for time with our DS and I understand that although his salary isn't as high, it affords him a sense of independence and he doesn't feel weird buying presents for me with "my money".

I've made peace with the fact that if we split, he'd probably get a good chunk of "my" earnings in house equity etc. I think that's because although I earn more, we both work similar hours (both part time) with similar levels of stress albeit different types of stress. We've both contributed man hours and effort to the relationship. I just get paid more as my skill set is in more demand. Our pay is unequal but our effort is mutual (housework is also shared, however I would say I do more of the mental load).

SleepyPud · 25/12/2021 08:13

I think if you want to be with him then it shouldn't matter. Although if you want a career break when you have kids you need to work out if you can live just on his salary.

My DP earns a high salary and mine was very 'average'. When we bought our house he put down the majority of the deposit as he had more savings, but I put down what I could and luckily he was happy with that. Each month we would put money into our joint account for mortgage/bills etc. He put in a lot more than me as his salary was higher. But I put in as much as I could.

I am now a SAHM to my baby and I'm lucky enough that we can live off his salary alone.

I don't think it matters who earns more as long as you both contribute fairly (lower earner puts in what they can and doesn't just take a free ride). But only you can decide what you're happy with.

billy1966 · 25/12/2021 09:32

@RosieGuacamosie

You need to work out if it’s a deal breaker to you.

Personally, I want to have shared money in a marriage and a husband who earns enough to allow me to work part time comfortably when we have children, so a low earner wouldn’t have suited me. I’ll get flamed for that I’m sure but I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to live a comfortable lifestyle with a nice house etc. I am a six figure earner myself so I have plenty to bring to the table and I wanted a partner who could keep up with that. DP currently earns slightly less than me but is on track to match my current salary and then become the higher earner when I go part time.

I think I’d end up very resentful if I couldn’t work part time after children because of a low earning partner and I kept this in mind when I was dating.

I think this is a good post.

Women who have children and continue to carry the financial responsibility with the mental load, become resentful.

Children change everything.

Would you work FT and he would do extra parenting?

Huge disparities in income on the women's side can become complicated when they feel obligated to do it all.

Money is massively important long term, particularly if you have children, who are an expensive luxury!

Suprima · 25/12/2021 11:18

@TedMullins

Why are you disingenuously ignoring the fact that men and women have different biological capacities?

It is normal for a woman to decide to drop down to part time whilst children are small and completely fucking fine if she wants to actively date men who can allow for that? Men won’t be breastfeeding the baby or recovering from their birth.

There are lots of female breadwinners in my industry and they are back at work shattered and manically pumping in the disabled toilets because their low earning husbands rely on their wages the moment the full maternity pay allowance stops.

Yeah, the men could stay at home too- but they don’t lactate, have nothing to recover from and generally won’t take on the extra mental load to compensate for not working outside the home.

billy1966 · 25/12/2021 13:33

[quote Suprima]@TedMullins

Why are you disingenuously ignoring the fact that men and women have different biological capacities?

It is normal for a woman to decide to drop down to part time whilst children are small and completely fucking fine if she wants to actively date men who can allow for that? Men won’t be breastfeeding the baby or recovering from their birth.

There are lots of female breadwinners in my industry and they are back at work shattered and manically pumping in the disabled toilets because their low earning husbands rely on their wages the moment the full maternity pay allowance stops.

Yeah, the men could stay at home too- but they don’t lactate, have nothing to recover from and generally won’t take on the extra mental load to compensate for not working outside the home.[/quote]
Hear hear.

This is the bald truth.

TedMullins · 25/12/2021 20:05

At no point did I say she shouldn’t go part time after children. But I stand by it that it’s the height of hypocrisy to expect to be carried by a man’s salary if you wouldn’t also extend the same courtesy to them. The previous poster said she’d “hate it” if a man wanted to be the primary parent and her the breadwinner but what if most men felt the same? Maybe some men would actually want to spend time with their children? Equality isn’t just about money, it’s about men being active fathers as well.

TedMullins · 25/12/2021 20:06

As for men not taking on the extra mental load - well, you don’t have to stay in relationships with incompetent man babies. No wonder so many men don’t, if women don’t have and enforce higher expectations of them

namechangeagain32 · 25/12/2021 20:27

@TedMullins completely agree, it's 2021, and it's a financially risky position to take seeking men to provide for them in exchange of childcare and housekeeping.

LiveFromNewYork · 25/12/2021 20:45

I also agree it's nearly 2022 and quite old fashioned to be seeking a man with a fortune. Many women end up very vulnerable and dependant with this attitude and whilst I don't think women should be back at work pumping milk after five minutes, a more equal distribution of child rearing duties would stand society in good stead in terms of reducing gender inequality. I have always known I could exist without my DP and that sense of independence is very reassuring.

I think it's more about making sure your ambition is matched. I used to date a guy with very little get and go. This translated as not earning much but it was more the attitude that got me in the end.

FabulousMrFifty · 25/12/2021 21:42

@TedMullins

At no point did I say she shouldn’t go part time after children. But I stand by it that it’s the height of hypocrisy to expect to be carried by a man’s salary if you wouldn’t also extend the same courtesy to them. The previous poster said she’d “hate it” if a man wanted to be the primary parent and her the breadwinner but what if most men felt the same? Maybe some men would actually want to spend time with their children? Equality isn’t just about money, it’s about men being active fathers as well.
Great post,
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