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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My world is falling apart - Have I lost my husband

55 replies

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 13:06

So, where to start……….. I absolutely adore my husband and our 8 year old son and have always considered us a happy family. My husband suffers from BPD, which is hard sometimes, but we survive the bad days and cherish the good.
Early Nov, his Dad and Step-mum were admitted into hospital with COVID and sadly his step-mum passed away. His Dad is now on his own, 1.5hrs away and my husband is pretty much the only close/reliable family he has, so he has spent a few days a week with him to help with recovering/grieving.
Just over 2 weeks ago, we finally purchased our first home together after 10.5yrs renting (probably should have said we are 6yrs married) and we were all delighted.
Within 2 days of us moving home, his Dad became very depressed and started sending disturbing messages about ending his life so, whenever this happens, my husband has to drop everything and go to see him.
I’ve been understanding and supportive of this as all I want to do is the best for my husband - but I’ve seen him becoming distant in the last few weeks and have become very paranoid and anxious. I can go days without eating and I struggle to sleep. I miss his smile and affection so much.
Yesterday he came back from his dads (who harmed himself on Saturday night) and in his opinion me and our son are better off without him. He feels his BPD will always cause us misery, he feels constantly pulled in different angles (us, dad, work, friends) and has lost himself. I’ve tried to explain that I knew he struggled with his mental health when I married him and nothing has changed for me - rough with the smooth etc. and that the husband and daddy we have is better than us not having him at all. The conversation never really reached a resolution and today I (against the advice of close friends) did message him about Christmas etc (he is going to his Dad’s after present opening here and coming back Boxing Day (this was agreed on over a week ago). He is responding but no kisses etc (this only ever happens if he’s angry/we’ve rowed)………… I’m sorry for the long post but I just feel so anxious, desperate and alone. Have I lost my wonderful husband for good? Is Christmas going to be ruined for us all? ‘Stay strong for your little one’ is the generic advice, but what about me? I can’t even imagine a life without my husband, my best friend.

OP posts:

Flixon · 20/12/2021 13:08

Cherchez la femme ...

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 13:14

I don’t understand? Well, I understand what the words mean, but not the context in relation to my post

OP posts:

JamesGetIn · 20/12/2021 13:29

PP means that there is likely to be another woman somewhere taking your husband's attention. Not what I'd have necessarily taken from your post though.

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 13:33

I had a horrible feeling someone was going to say that and my anxiety has been going through the roof thinking it. But I find it hard to believe he would do that to me when we’ve just bought our first home together!

OP posts:

cheeseislife8 · 20/12/2021 13:34

Does he have a habit of shutting you out when things get difficult? Is he trying to tough it out and manage everything on his own perhaps?

merryhouse · 20/12/2021 13:36

Ok, you've had a lot of stressful things happening. Your husband is tired and trying to support his dad in a very difficult time.

Right now I think you need to think practical. Eat properly. Do all you can to get some sleep. Keep clean, moisturise, wash hair and so forth. If you start getting paranoid anxious thoughts, recognise them and move on without beating yourself up about it. Deal with your work, your domestics, your child. Try and cope without your husband's smile and affection while he's out (imagine it's a particularly bad BPD episode).

This is both what you personally need and the support your husband really needs from you.

When Christmas-Covid-bereavement all settles down and starts to become less overwhelming, then you can start to think about everything else. For now, you all need to get through the next few weeks in as good a shape as possible.

merryhouse · 20/12/2021 13:38

oh, and while I wouldn't say never, I think it's completely unnecessary to imagine there's another woman involved. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for your husband's behaviour in what we already know.

MountainAshley · 20/12/2021 13:40

This doesn't sound like an OW situation to me. Neither does it sound like you have lost him. It sounds like he is struggling because of his Dad.

It's much easier to say than do, but I would try to give him space and time. This doesn't sound like it's all over to me.

Good luck and I hope you'll have a good Christmas.

DismantledKing · 20/12/2021 13:42

@Flixon

Cherchez la femme ...

Doesn’t sound like this to me. It sounds that everyone is struggling, and I’m not really surprised. There’s a lot going on. I also have BPD, and I wonder if the death of his mother has triggered his abandonment related issues.

chemicalworld · 20/12/2021 13:43

It sounds like he has a lot of stress going on, and sometimes people shut down when that happens. It sounds like he is being pulled in a lot of directions and may not know what to do for the best if his Dad needs so much extra attention.

DismantledKing · 20/12/2021 13:43

Sorry, step-mum.

Rollercoaster1920 · 20/12/2021 13:44

Why haven't you invited father in law for Christmas?

I wonder if your husband is finding it really hard being with his dad, I'd suggest his dad needs more specialist help, a person with bipolar and grief trying to look after their patent who is self harming sounds like a bad assuaged.

Your husband possibly worries that he will be a drain on you and your child when he gets old like he feels his dad is on him right now.

DartmoorChef · 20/12/2021 13:46

Could his dad not come and stay with you over Christmas so you are all together?

DismantledKing · 20/12/2021 13:46

Having thought about a bit more, I can offer a personal input. When my BPD is triggered I totally withdraw and push close people away. All the ongoing family stress might be causing him to do a similar thing.

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 13:47

Does he shut me out? Yes and no! I used to get incredible anxious when I felt he was shutting me out but, for the most part, he eventually opens up. I’ve always felt like he wants to talk to me. He’s talked to me very openly about everything that’s happened with his Dad and I’ve taken reassurance from that. I know he has a lot of demons - his childhood was traumatic to say the very least. His Dad played a very large part in that and he did say, during a very emotional phone call on Saturday night, that he can’t make sense of having such a heavy burden on him in the shape of the man who’s left him so scarred. I won’t lie - it’s not something I can make sense of either!
He is so worried that this demand could last for months (as am I!), but there’s no talking to him re professional help for his Dad or taking a step back. I respect that too - he has to do what sits right with him.
I’m just terrified that he won’t be here AT ALL over Christmas (by choice, I understand if he’s needed at his Dad’s in an emergency) and that will break my heart.
To add, I have a very OTT mother who reacts to everything with ‘I don’t need this’ when there is any inconvenience. So, whatever happens at Christmas, I will be expected to paint on a smile!

OP posts:

DismantledKing · 20/12/2021 13:47

@Rollercoaster1920

Why haven't you invited father in law for Christmas?

I read BPD as Borderline Personality Disorder rather than Bipolar?

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 13:50

Why isn’t he invited for Christmas? We had originally planned that the 3 of us would go to my parents for Christmas Day (we missed out last year due to having to isolate). VERY long story short his Dad behaved dispicably at our wedding, which was the first and last time my parents ever met him. If it wasn’t for that, we’d have just tweaked plans and had everyone at our house. But DH doesn’t want my parents to miss out on seeing their grandson on Christmas Day

OP posts:

Dotell · 20/12/2021 13:50

I know his dad is grieving but what he is doing is really shit. Has he always been a shit father?

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 13:52

To clarify - I meant borderline personality disorder as BPD. My close friends have both said ‘time and space’ - I know in my heart they are right. But for 10.5 years I’ve been a head pecker and I’m so scared that if I stop now, he’ll think I don’t care and have given up

OP posts:

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 13:52

@Dotell

I know his dad is grieving but what he is doing is really shit. Has he always been a shit father?

In a nutshell, yes.

OP posts:

Dotell · 20/12/2021 13:53

Missed your last two post. Get him away from his dad.

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 13:57

@Dotell

Missed your last two post. Get him away from his dad.

I don’t know how to (short of throwing myself in front of a bus, hoping it’s not fatal, and giving him no choice but to be here and 2. If I even tried to stop him going to his Dad, I know it would end us - it’s not my place to control a grown man’s decisions.

OP posts:

Starcup · 20/12/2021 13:57

His dad sounds like a nightmare tbh. My friends mother is like this. Expects my friend to go round at the drop of a hat and keep her company because she’s bored. She’s the epitome of selfish and emotional blackmails them and drains them.

It’s a really awful situation for my friend to be in as she feels she has no other option. Her mother is about 75 and is a nightmare.

I don’t know what advice but I know my friends drained with it all.

I don’t think it’s an OW situation op

Runforthehillocks · 20/12/2021 14:02

I think your dh is under an awful lot of pressure - pressure from his dad who needs him to be there in case he (dad) self-harms, and pressure from you who want him with you because without him you get 'paranoid and anxious'.

His dad sounds like a dreadful man, who has bullied your dh throughout his life, and is still doing so now.

I think you need to take the pressure off dh. His dad won't, but you can. You need to not ask anything of him - no messages saying how much you miss him because that's pressure, no telling him you need him home to mow the lawn/take the bins out/change a lightbulb etc etc - just do all that yourself. It's all too much for him.

Awful situation with him having a bully of a dad like that.

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 14:10

I’m scared that if I just ‘crack on’ he’ll see it as me not needing him. One of his biggest (loveliest) traits is wanting to be the ‘fixer’ for everyone. I put the bin out last Thursday while he was at his Dad’s and he messaged me saying ‘I’d have done that when I got home’.
Last night I said to him ‘what about all the times you’ve said you’ll always be there for me and always love me’, his response ‘I’ve never said that I won’t’……….. What? After saying we’re better of without you and giving me a million reasons why you think it’s for the best. I am so lost and confused as to what I should do for the best. I feel like I’ve got 4 days left to save my husband and my marriage before Christmas is ruined for our son, DH, my parents and me!

OP posts:

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