Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My world is falling apart - Have I lost my husband

55 replies

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 13:06

So, where to start……….. I absolutely adore my husband and our 8 year old son and have always considered us a happy family. My husband suffers from BPD, which is hard sometimes, but we survive the bad days and cherish the good.
Early Nov, his Dad and Step-mum were admitted into hospital with COVID and sadly his step-mum passed away. His Dad is now on his own, 1.5hrs away and my husband is pretty much the only close/reliable family he has, so he has spent a few days a week with him to help with recovering/grieving.
Just over 2 weeks ago, we finally purchased our first home together after 10.5yrs renting (probably should have said we are 6yrs married) and we were all delighted.
Within 2 days of us moving home, his Dad became very depressed and started sending disturbing messages about ending his life so, whenever this happens, my husband has to drop everything and go to see him.
I’ve been understanding and supportive of this as all I want to do is the best for my husband - but I’ve seen him becoming distant in the last few weeks and have become very paranoid and anxious. I can go days without eating and I struggle to sleep. I miss his smile and affection so much.
Yesterday he came back from his dads (who harmed himself on Saturday night) and in his opinion me and our son are better off without him. He feels his BPD will always cause us misery, he feels constantly pulled in different angles (us, dad, work, friends) and has lost himself. I’ve tried to explain that I knew he struggled with his mental health when I married him and nothing has changed for me - rough with the smooth etc. and that the husband and daddy we have is better than us not having him at all. The conversation never really reached a resolution and today I (against the advice of close friends) did message him about Christmas etc (he is going to his Dad’s after present opening here and coming back Boxing Day (this was agreed on over a week ago). He is responding but no kisses etc (this only ever happens if he’s angry/we’ve rowed)………… I’m sorry for the long post but I just feel so anxious, desperate and alone. Have I lost my wonderful husband for good? Is Christmas going to be ruined for us all? ‘Stay strong for your little one’ is the generic advice, but what about me? I can’t even imagine a life without my husband, my best friend.

OP posts:

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 14:14

To add, if it’s of any use to people who have experienced anything like this, he told me last night he just feels ‘empty’. That he doesn’t see colour in anything and doesn’t feel anything anymore.
Some may think this is crazy behavior on my part but, when he came up to bed at 1am (I came up on my own and just lay there feeling sick to my stomach to try and give him some space), we said ‘hi’ to eachother and when he got in bed I just lay there stroking his back til he fell asleep. If he really didn’t want us anymore, surely he would have pushed me away? I just wanted him to know that, even though he doesn’t want kisses or cuddles at the moment, I’m here and I care. Even though he has said I only care about the impact on me and I only want him because it’s ‘familiar’.

OP posts:

noirchatsdeux · 20/12/2021 14:22

Well the first thing is to stop being so melodramatic. Christmas is one day, and I think in the case of serious illness or bereavement people are entitled to ignore it.

Rightly or wrongly, your husband feels the need to be with his father this Christmas. Take your son, go to your parents and make the effort for them to enjoy the day. Regarding your concern that your husband will think you've 'given up' if you don't bother him as much...well you aren't a mind reader. Your husband could surprise you by being relieved that the pressure on at least one side is being cut.

Tillsforthrills · 20/12/2021 14:22

You’re allowed to be sad OP. Let him go to his Dad’s. You don’t have to pretend to be happy with it though. Your feelings are just as valid.

It would be good if your 8 year old could be with family/cousins etc in the evening on Xmas eve and Boxing Day to let you have some time to be sad if you want to be.

Slowchimes · 20/12/2021 14:30

This is so difficult op

In your shoes I wouldn't know whether to send him a simple text saying you love him so much, just for who he is , and that you and ds miss him...and want to support him .... or send him some sort of ultimatum for his own good to get him away from his dad (probably not the latter if you think your dh is in danger of harming himself).

It's such a fine line with people who are depressed/suicidal and so difficult to judge when they are shutting you out.

Simply put though, his first loyalty should be to you and your son and this should be a happy time for you all settling in to your new home. I'm so sorry for you that it isn't, owing to his father's manipulation by the sound of it. Its really hard judging what to do for the best when someone threatens suicide, but ultimately, harsh though this sounds, you are not responsible for their happiness And your dh is not responsible for his dad's happiness either. (And I say this as someone who has experienced suicide in their own family.)

Maybe send a supportive text to your dh and then I would go and get some sort of support for yourself. Can you and your son go and stay with your parents early? It might give your dh the message that you are not prepared to wait around for him for ever. Or it might just take a weight off his mind that he needn't worry about you and your son for the moment? Maybe? Or would your dh be less likely to contact you there?

And Mind UK has information if you search for "seeking mental health support for someone else"

Good luck op. This is a tough thing to go through at any time, but particularly just before Christmas

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 20/12/2021 14:32

BPD isn’t a mental illness, it is his personality, it’s who he is. Tbh I’m sending a lot of codependency in this relationship. I think you need to get a grip on your neediness right now and make it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Dotell · 20/12/2021 14:33

Sorry my response was not helpful. His dad probably feels he has nothing to live for so he is self destructing and is happy to take his son with him. He was a shit dad before, he is not going to be a better man now.
You cant physically stop your husband from going. All you can do is to support him to do it himself. Remind him of the kind of man his dad, what he is leaving behind, make him see how he is suffering since increasing contact with his dad... he does not have to stop help straight away. He can slowly reduce contact.
If nothing works, you have to be prepared to let go for you own mental health and for the sake of you child. It is probably going to take longer than 4 days to fix this.

Embracelife · 20/12/2021 14:34

home, his Dad became very depressed and started sending disturbing messages about ending his life so, whenever this happens, my husband has to drop everything and go to see him

No he doesn't
If his dad is suicidal he needs professional he'll
He calls 999 each time
Dad is manipulation if is not genuine

fantasmasgoria1 · 20/12/2021 14:34

I have bpd and it doesn't sound like another woman. He sounds like he's having for want of a better word a bit of a crisis. If his dad us ill too it will be making him feel confused and anxious as to what to do.

ErinAoife · 20/12/2021 14:35

Why not ask your husband to invite his dad to stay over the Christmas period? It will save him a trip and it will be nice for his dad to spent time with his son, you and grandson especially now you had moved to your new home.

Slowchimes · 20/12/2021 14:39

Sorry op. I misread your earlier posts and I thought your dh was staying at his dad's and that he'd gone silent on you. I didn't realise that he was coming home at night.

Having read your updates, I agree with pp who said you need to take the pressure off him atm. Don't remind him of how much you need him or that will add to more strain. And frankly, I know this is hard, but his mh is more important than Christmas, as long as your ds can have fun with his cousins that is. The "everything seeming grey" is classic depression and your dh needs to see his gp urgently. He is probably burnt out supporting his dad, and it's not that he doesn't love you, but he doesn't have anything left in him to support you atm, so you need to try and be as strong as you can for him and stroking his back was exactly the right thing to do. Hang in there

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2021 14:44

@LostWife86

To add, if it’s of any use to people who have experienced anything like this, he told me last night he just feels ‘empty’. That he doesn’t see colour in anything and doesn’t feel anything anymore. Some may think this is crazy behavior on my part but, when he came up to bed at 1am (I came up on my own and just lay there feeling sick to my stomach to try and give him some space), we said ‘hi’ to eachother and when he got in bed I just lay there stroking his back til he fell asleep. If he really didn’t want us anymore, surely he would have pushed me away? I just wanted him to know that, even though he doesn’t want kisses or cuddles at the moment, I’m here and I care. Even though he has said I only care about the impact on me and I only want him because it’s ‘familiar’.

Is he on medication?

Does he need it 'tweaked'?

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 14:45

Thank you for the reassurance. It will just be me, DS and my parents on CD. I’m an only child so our family is small. I didn’t go into work today but I still took DS to holiday club because I want him to have fun with other children.
I’ve talked about seeing his GP/counseling etc but he just says he’s tried the pills and the counseling before (I know he has) and it hasn’t worked.
My DH is a very kind, thoughtful man but he is also VERY strong willed - there is no telling him what he should and shouldn’t be doing. All I can do is pray that he will ‘come out’ of this sooner rather than later

OP posts:

beastlyslumber · 20/12/2021 14:45

Sorry OP, this sounds hard.

I think, however, that focussing on your DH and worrying about him so much is not healthy. The dynamic of your relationship is what? He withdraws, you panic and try to soothe and mend. He engages, you listen and support and fix everything. Sounds like you are doing a lot here. It also sounds like you have some abandonment issues of your own?

Maybe you need to step back and say, okay, if DH chooses/feels he has no choice but to be with his abusive dad over Xmas, then that's his decision. It is his decision. It's horrible that he's deciding something that will hurt him and negatively affect his family. You might think about how much of this you're willing to put up with, especially if he refuses to get any professional help. Start putting yourself and DC first.

Booboobadoo · 20/12/2021 14:46

You're not a miracle worker and can't carry everyone's burdens. These people are adults and need to be responsible for their own behaviour and actions. Can you step away from the drama - decide what is best for you and your son and get on with this? It's no good not eating and so on, you need to care for yourself. It doesn't sound like your feelings are being considered? And then get some individual counselling.

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 14:52

I don’t think my husband has the mental capacity for anybody’s feelings at the moment, in fact, he has all but explained that to me.
I don’t believe I have any reason to have abandonment issues. I think my biggest problem is being the only child of a very happily married parental unit. I was brought up only ever seeing the happiness in life - subsequently, I have no coping mechanisms and still find it very hard to accept that all my problems in life can’t be fixed by my wonderful parents.
Probably something important I should have mentioned - it’s not always DH that FIL goes to when he’s ‘down’. It’s often other family members (who cba and contact DH) or his late wife’s friends who are more local and contact DH before sweeping into action. A lot of what DH is doing is damage limitation for everyone involved.
It may appear that he is putting me second, but surely that’s easy to do when my needs are silly selfish ones and the situation with his Dad is having such an impact.
To also add, he is truly wonderful with DS so it’s not as though he is abandoning our whole family - just making it clear to me that he hasn’t got the headspace for everything.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 20/12/2021 14:59

I think you need to just give him time and space and let him know you're there when he's ready to come home.

This isn't even so much about his BPD. It sounds like his dad is the same arsehole he's always been. It sounds like he's fuelling the fire to me.

stalkersaga · 20/12/2021 15:02

I think my biggest problem is being the only child of a very happily married parental unit. I was brought up only ever seeing the happiness in life - subsequently, I have no coping mechanisms and still find it very hard to accept that all my problems in life can’t be fixed by my wonderful parents.

...I really don't think all your problems are because your childhood was too happy. A supportive, happy childhood leaves you more emotionally equipped to face life's bumps, not less.

In any case, what's really jumping out to me is that your dependence and enmeshment on your husband is quite extreme. It's not healthy and not sustainable. I think you would really do well to seek some therapy for yourself, because you seem terrified that you don't actually exist unless you are being propped up by him and his problems or "pecking his head".

girlmom21 · 20/12/2021 15:04

A supportive, happy childhood leaves you more emotionally equipped to face life's bumps, not less.

That's not true. I know people who had supportive, happy childhoods who are very emotionally and practically naive because they never had to 'handle' life's bumps.

stalkersaga · 20/12/2021 15:07

@girlmom21

A supportive, happy childhood leaves you more emotionally equipped to face life's bumps, not less.

That's not true. I know people who had supportive, happy childhoods who are very emotionally and practically naive because they never had to 'handle' life's bumps.

But then that wasn't actually that supportive and happy a childhood. It just looked like it from the outside. In fact, it was anxiety-driven and involved the children being emotionally infantilised and subtly taught that they "couldn't cope". No life is without bumps unless artificially created so by overzealous parents.

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 15:10

@girlmom21

A supportive, happy childhood leaves you more emotionally equipped to face life's bumps, not less.

That's not true. I know people who had supportive, happy childhoods who are very emotionally and practically naive because they never had to 'handle' life's bumps.

This describes me perfectly! My emotions are always on a knife-edge - I’ve been the same in every relationship I’ve ever had. I always need reassurance that everything is going to be OK, overthink everything, make up catastrophic scenarios in my head. So, yea, what’s going on at the moment is sending me under. I told my friend only yesterday ‘I can’t do this, I love him too much to lose him. I can’t cope being a single Mum AND dealing with losing him’

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 20/12/2021 15:22

I think your H is overwhelmed.
And I think if you want to try to save this marriage from meltdown due to the stress he is under - you need to step up and help with his dad. I’d have invited him to stay over for a while. And have Xmas with him and your H.
Your parents are grown ups and must understand grieving. Also - your wedding was years ago. Who keeps a grudge for this long.
If they really can’t see forest behind the trees - then visit them on Boxing Day.

DismantledKing · 20/12/2021 15:22

Have you ever been assessed for BPD symptoms yourself?

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 15:28

@MMmomDD

I think your H is overwhelmed. And I think if you want to try to save this marriage from meltdown due to the stress he is under - you need to step up and help with his dad. I’d have invited him to stay over for a while. And have Xmas with him and your H. Your parents are grown ups and must understand grieving. Also - your wedding was years ago. Who keeps a grudge for this long. If they really can’t see forest behind the trees - then visit them on Boxing Day.

I would help but H is adamant that somebody needs to keep a ‘normality’ for our DS. Plus, he wouldn’t have been driving around late at night on my own - he is very strong-minded when it comes to his responsibilities (see my post before about taking out the bin!). That’s part of why he is so overwhelmed - he has so many responsibilities spread all over the place - dad, work, home… We both decided C Day with his Dad wasn’t fair on FIL or DS - it won’t be a happy day and FIL needs to feel without guilt and DS shouldn’t be seeing his grandad so upset on what should be a happy day. To add into the mix, FIL has 2 house cats that are treated like children - he doesn’t want to leave them overnight

OP posts:

Original poster

LostWife86 · 20/12/2021 15:28

@DismantledKing

Have you ever been assessed for BPD symptoms yourself?

I don’t think me jumping on the bandwagon right now would be any great help to DH!!

OP posts:

Starcup · 20/12/2021 16:05

@girlmom21

A supportive, happy childhood leaves you more emotionally equipped to face life's bumps, not less.

That's not true. I know people who had supportive, happy childhoods who are very emotionally and practically naive because they never had to 'handle' life's bumps.

Completely agree with this. Some people sail through life then when something bad does happen then can’t food as they’ve never had to deal with it before.

Someone who has been dealt with bad luck most of their lives, would know expect it to happen and deal with it from there

Flip

1 2 3