My world is falling apart - Have I lost my husband

[LostWife86]

So, where to start……….. I absolutely adore my husband and our 8 year old son and have always considered us a happy family. My husband suffers from BPD, which is hard sometimes, but we survive the bad days and cherish the good.
Early Nov, his Dad and Step-mum were admitted into hospital with COVID and sadly his step-mum passed away. His Dad is now on his own, 1.5hrs away and my husband is pretty much the only close/reliable family he has, so he has spent a few days a week with him to help with recovering/grieving.
Just over 2 weeks ago, we finally purchased our first home together after 10.5yrs renting (probably should have said we are 6yrs married) and we were all delighted.
Within 2 days of us moving home, his Dad became very depressed and started sending disturbing messages about ending his life so, whenever this happens, my husband has to drop everything and go to see him.
I’ve been understanding and supportive of this as all I want to do is the best for my husband - but I’ve seen him becoming distant in the last few weeks and have become very paranoid and anxious. I can go days without eating and I struggle to sleep. I miss his smile and affection so much.
Yesterday he came back from his dads (who harmed himself on Saturday night) and in his opinion me and our son are better off without him. He feels his BPD will always cause us misery, he feels constantly pulled in different angles (us, dad, work, friends) and has lost himself. I’ve tried to explain that I knew he struggled with his mental health when I married him and nothing has changed for me - rough with the smooth etc. and that the husband and daddy we have is better than us not having him at all. The conversation never really reached a resolution and today I (against the advice of close friends) did message him about Christmas etc (he is going to his Dad’s after present opening here and coming back Boxing Day (this was agreed on over a week ago). He is responding but no kisses etc (this only ever happens if he’s angry/we’ve rowed)………… I’m sorry for the long post but I just feel so anxious, desperate and alone. Have I lost my wonderful husband for good? Is Christmas going to be ruined for us all? ‘Stay strong for your little one’ is the generic advice, but what about me? I can’t even imagine a life without my husband, my best friend.

cope

@stalkersaga

I think my biggest problem is being the only child of a very happily married parental unit. I was brought up only ever seeing the happiness in life - subsequently, I have no coping mechanisms and still find it very hard to accept that all my problems in life can’t be fixed by my wonderful parents.

...I really don't think all your problems are because your childhood was too happy. A supportive, happy childhood leaves you more emotionally equipped to face life's bumps, not less.

In any case, what's really jumping out to me is that your dependence and enmeshment on your husband is quite extreme. It's not healthy and not sustainable. I think you would really do well to seek some therapy for yourself, because you seem terrified that you don't actually exist unless you are being propped up by him and his problems or "pecking his head".

This leapt out at me also. I agree on both counts.

OP I would get some therapy for yourself. You sound like you really need some support. As they say on the plane, put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help anyone else.

People brought up in supportive, loving families learn how to cope with difficulties which every individual experiences, and this equips them for greater difficulties in life. That's different from people brought up in families where they are protected from experiencing any difficulties. This can leave them very ill-equipped to deal with problems and failure. The latter sounds more like what OP is describing.

It's Christmas isn't it ?

As if everything else was not enough, Christmas and all the stress of it has tipped the scales.
Give him some time to realise where he wants to be. Do not push. Just leave him be and enjoy the time with your own family.

After Christmas you can deal with him appropriately but not now.

I managed to get my GP to prescribe me some, shall we say, ‘quick fix’ tablets - I already feel more mellow! He’s sitting with us quietly and I don’t feel a bundle of anxiety or wanting to mither 😊. I have also made contact with a local counseling service as I believe my problems are deeper than this - this has just highlighted them.