Does anyone have a low energy, low achieving partner?

[ReadyforTakeOff]

If so, how do you deal with it and how do you ensure your kids don't learn from them?

Do you respect them? From the limited information in your OP it sounds like you don't. If so, why are you with them?

The short answer to your question is by leaving him.

A friend had this type of partner — he just defaulted to the sofa when he wasn’t at work, and was exhausted by virtually everything, leaving everything to do with the household, finances and children to her. She divorced him and is far happier.

Have you always had to nudge them and be the more dynamic of the pair, or is this a complete personality change?

My husband does. I try, honestly, but pt work and minding the kids, house etc...I am tired a lot. Yes, been to GP, had bloods done etc. I've always been like this.

No I don't respect them but I stay for the kids as I feel it is important they don't follow her and her family into mediocrity.

The kids don't have her character but having someone with no drive, energy or motivation eventually grinds you down which I fear will impact them.

I am happy to fend myself and know what's right and wrong but don't want to split as that would mean her and her mum would have too much influence IMO.

@Suprima

Have you always had to nudge them and be the more dynamic of the pair, or is this a complete personality change?

Always had to nudge them, though I have remained she is incapable of changing.

Having kids brings personality differences onto sharp focus as you realise you don't want your kids to be like them..

Staying just tells the kids you are OK with it though.

Not really sure what you mean by law achieving though. Maybe she just wants a quiet life. Nothing wrong with that. Or maybe she suffers low self esteem...which may be in part to her partner who clearly doesn't love her. Suspecting that must be pretty bloody draining and damaging to self esteem.

If however you mean she refuses to work at all, sits about claiming benefits and scoffs at anyone who wants more for their life, THEN fair enough.
But in that case, leave.

You staying just shows your kids that you're cool with her attitude. And that they should tolerate partners like that too.

*low achieving

Can you describe in what way she has no motivation.
In anything or in a particular area? Is it a new thing?

Those are no reason to stay with such a person. Are you really staying for their sake or just as likely really your own because it’s somehow “easier”.

If you stay, you tell your kids that a lifestyle like this is ok

Unless she has physical or mental health issues ?

Sorry, but I divorced mine. Not the answer you wanted. But is it that they can't be bothered or, since having children has it genuinely been hard for them to get back their drive? I really struggled with a young DC to get jobs I was already over qualified for because of misogynistic views held by managers in the workplace, plus the challenge of juggling kids and full time jobs never gets any easier (I work full time, but it's definitely not the easy option) Perhaps they'll change once the kids get older?

Having kids brings personality differences onto sharp focus as you realise you don't want your kids to be like them..

If she has changed that much following having children, could it be post-natal depression? Does she have adequate support?

When did you realise you didn't like or respect her? Because if you've only realised this after having several children together, it sounds like she's not always been like this, otherwise why would you have had DC in the first place?

It's draining to stay in a loveless relationship and the DC will be much better off having two happy parents as opposed to two stressed and resentful ones, which is what this sounds like.

I'm in this situation & in couples therapy which he's engaging with as he finally realised I would actually leave. He wasn't always like this though so I do have some hope. Together 10+ years. He's getting blood tests done & is finally realising he need to deal with his mh issues. I'm not waiting years, life is too short

Forgot to ask. Do you split childcare and home tasks 50/50? Do you split picking up poorly children, GP visits etc or is all this down to your partner.

If the answer is yes, then fair enough. If no, then question why they should be pulling their weight outside of work if you're not pulling your weight in the home (not assuming either way)

It depends really what you mean by low energy and low achievement. If you mean you are doing what a lot of women on here do which is work and look after everything to do with your domestic life whilst all your wife does is work then sit around, then YANBU. If you mean you work and your wife doesn't but doesn't looks after the domestic side then that's not low energy low acheivement. That's different priorities. And she is probably exhausted by it.

In any case you don't sound like a nice supportive husband.

I married a nice man who was feckless but harmless. I'm the sort who find it hard to sit still and make the best of any situation so his slobbish ways eventually drove me up the wall and right out the door. His ways just seemed to make everything a little bit worse and harder work and effort for me. He was a gamer and seemed to reserve any life zest for that. I tried and failed many times to rally him up but got burn out eventually and no way did I want children with him in case they too turned into a burden like him. I know it seems harsh but by the end I just basically lived my life like he wasn't there, he had little or no interest in doing anything anyway so it was easy to just do things myself. When I left I felt a weight off, literally like id discarded his heavy ass carcass.
In your situation I think I'd wait it out until the children are of age to choose where they want to be so that any impression from her or her mother would hopefully be minimal and by that point the kids would hopefully be too bored with her to want to stay there a lot.
I know I come across a bit heartless but I'm honestly not, after years of basically carrying someone through life all respect goes, and thankfully now I'm blessed with indifference to him but remain friendly because why not really .

Would you not take the kids? "Fend for myself" seems like you don't think of the children as central somehow.

You can always leave and take the kids?

Yes, DH has become incredibly sluggish in the last 5 years...... partly due to medication for a long term health problem, and partly due to natural laziness.

It's really getting me down, to be honest. I feel angry, resentful, and run down from carrying the full load.

I couldn't put up with it. I'd leave. I want my kids to see us both working hard and having nice things as a result of our hard work.

It sounds like you have nothing but contempt for her so you should leave

Agree with others that we need more context. If she doest work, never has, and doesn't do anything at home either then yanbu. If she gave up her job to care for the kids when they were young and now they're at school you're cross that she can't just magic up a high flying career or the experience and confidence to look for one then yabu. You need to provide more context for the situation.

Do you mean lazy or actually unwell ?