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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone have a low energy, low achieving partner?

66 replies

ReadyforTakeOff · 19/12/2021 15:55

If so, how do you deal with it and how do you ensure your kids don't learn from them?

OP posts:

Goawayangryman · 19/12/2021 17:25

No definitely not acceptable. But why would your partner and her mother have undue influence if you left? I imagine you're doing almost everything now and you'd be the kids' resident parent if you split?

AllIWantforXmasIsYouGotThis · 19/12/2021 17:25

You will damage your children if you try to ensure they don’t take after your partner.

Goawayangryman · 19/12/2021 17:28

And also what @AllIWantforXmasIsYouGotThis says. Your children are their own person..they will have some of both of their parents' desirable and less desirable traits, and will be unique individuals. Healthy children aren't clones of either parent.

Goawayangryman · 19/12/2021 17:28

Own people.. not own person. Duh.

inthebleakmidwinter2021 · 19/12/2021 18:08

Hmm, well I wouldn't be married to someone who didn't respect me so I think you'd be doing her a favour if you left.

I divorced my frenetic controlling husband who, in his mind, probably thought the same about me as you. He replaced his high octane career with something quieter and had to seek his adrenaline rush elswhere - cycling 50 miles before 9am, canoeing, climbing and flying gliders. Never still and constantly judging my choices which made me not want to do anything with him.

Meanwhile, post 45, after I had worked 45 hours a week and looked after everything domestic bar the washing and loading the dishwasher with a health issue I wanted a different sort of leisure time, walk round NT or a walk that finished in a pub lunch etc., lazy Sunday morning with the papers etc., etc..

Children are people in their own right, I can't scroll back now without losing my post but my DC are very much individuals, perhaps you haven't reached the teenage years, but when you do you will realise it.

Corbally · 19/12/2021 20:08

@ReadyforTakeOff

No I don't respect them but I stay for the kids as I feel it is important they don't follow her and her family into mediocrity.

The kids don't have her character but having someone with no drive, energy or motivation eventually grinds you down which I fear will impact them.

I am happy to fend myself and know what's right and wrong but don't want to split as that would mean her and her mum would have too much influence IMO.

Could you be more specific about what you mean by ‘low-energy, low-achieving’ and ‘mediocrity’?

As regards children’s residence after a split, the low-energy guy I mentioned up the thread was supposed to be splitting care of his children 50/50 with their mother, but predictably, found actually caring for his own children (10 and 11 at the time of the split, so not small children) — cooking, laundry, homework, discipline, taking them to play dates and hobbies etc — way too much, so they ended up living with their mother about 80% of the time.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/12/2021 20:18

I think the best thing you can do is separate. If you are an active parent, you will continue to be so, so I can’t see why she/her mother would have more influence than now, less if anything as they won’t be living with her all the time.

One of the worst thing you can do for your kids (apart from actual neglect or abuse) is to fail teach them how to have good, positive, loving relationships and to treat other human beings with respect. If two parents are incompatible and at least one despises the other, then that’s what’s happening here.

ShippingNews · 20/12/2021 00:52

My ex was like you describe. Just managed to go to work, but otherwise he spend the majority of lying on the sofa, watching the TV. No enthusiasm for anything.

I married him when we were young and full of life, but as time went on and we had the kids, he either developed this lazy attitude or maybe it was there all along. I stayed because he was a decent person and wasn't horrible or anything. When the kids were 18 and 22 I finally told him I was leaving - I couldn't imagine living with him, just the two of us. He is now my ex, and the kids didn't turn out like him at all ( well not yet anyway !)

Good luck in whatever decision you make. I doubt that you'd ever change them, though. If you stay, you'll have to accept that this is how they are.

ShippingNews · 20/12/2021 00:53

the majority of his life .

Hen2018 · 20/12/2021 01:15

Obviously if your wife is that awful, you will seek sole residency?

Ilady · 20/12/2021 02:06

I know a lady who met her partner in her teens. She was good in school but her parents did not encourage her to think of going to college. They did not mind her getting involved with her boyfriend when other parents would have realised she could met a better man.
Her partner is a nice guy but he is not bright. Over the years she became more like his mother. She had to manage the money as if he got money he spend every penny

girlmom21 · 20/12/2021 06:59

They did not mind her getting involved with her boyfriend when other parents would have realised she could met a better man.

They probably knew it wasn't their choice and to mind their own bloody business

1AngelicFruitCake · 20/12/2021 07:09

Is it you expecting too much?

PureBlackVoid · 20/12/2021 07:20

@frankiefirstyear

I married a nice man who was feckless but harmless. I'm the sort who find it hard to sit still and make the best of any situation so his slobbish ways eventually drove me up the wall and right out the door. His ways just seemed to make everything a little bit worse and harder work and effort for me. He was a gamer and seemed to reserve any life zest for that. I tried and failed many times to rally him up but got burn out eventually and no way did I want children with him in case they too turned into a burden like him. I know it seems harsh but by the end I just basically lived my life like he wasn't there, he had little or no interest in doing anything anyway so it was easy to just do things myself. When I left I felt a weight off, literally like id discarded his heavy ass carcass. In your situation I think I'd wait it out until the children are of age to choose where they want to be so that any impression from her or her mother would hopefully be minimal and by that point the kids would hopefully be too bored with her to want to stay there a lot. I know I come across a bit heartless but I'm honestly not, after years of basically carrying someone through life all respect goes, and thankfully now I'm blessed with indifference to him but remain friendly because why not really .

This is my situation right now. It’s a hard decision to make a decision because it is ‘throwing away’ a long time of my life (but I guess better that than to throw away another 20-30 years) but DP is too lazy/checked out to even have a discussion. It is so wearing, I actually don’t even have the energy to end it because all he will do is go to bed.

Like you I’m more or less living as though he’s not there (quite literally, recently I was doing some DIY around him whilst he sat on twitter for 2.5 hours). I’m now just waiting until the moment I snap and end it tbh.

PureBlackVoid · 20/12/2021 07:21

It’s a hard decision to make* not sure why the repetition occurred there!

Dbakl · 20/12/2021 07:34

@ReadyforTakeOff

No I don't respect them but I stay for the kids as I feel it is important they don't follow her and her family into mediocrity.

The kids don't have her character but having someone with no drive, energy or motivation eventually grinds you down which I fear will impact them.

I am happy to fend myself and know what's right and wrong but don't want to split as that would mean her and her mum would have too much influence IMO.

Fend for yourself? Why would leaving mean ‘fending for yourself’? How much ‘fending’ does she do for you now? How much energy is she putting into looking after you and the kids?

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 20/12/2021 07:38

Is she “low achieving” in that she does all the kid care, housework whilst you pursue a career?

Or are you a hands on dad who cooks, shops, cleans and takes the kids out on an inset day?

Just asking as it’s hard to be a high achiever if you are also responsible for all the grunt work

Dery · 20/12/2021 08:11

“Is she “low achieving” in that she does all the kid care, housework whilst you pursue a career?

Or are you a hands on dad who cooks, shops, cleans and takes the kids out on an inset day?

Just asking as it’s hard to be a high achiever if you are also responsible for all the grunt work”

This.

Stillfunny · 20/12/2021 09:28

I have a STBXH like this . Put up with it for years as he did work and provide for us . With persistent coaxing I did get him to do the minuim . But he wasn't too lazy to be on dating sites and be unfaithful!
Honestly, since I kicked him out , the house is so much easier. I managed to do everything by myself- and better. I realised that while the cheating was the deal breaker, I had no respect for him and despised him for it. My kids now saw how little he contributed and have formed their own opinions . He really is the loser in all this.

rhowton · 20/12/2021 09:46

I have previously ended relationships with people like this.

ravenmum · 20/12/2021 10:18

I stay for the kids as I feel it is important they don't follow her and her family into mediocrity
Why can't you both have the kids if you separate?
What do you mean by "mediocrity", and why did/do you expect her to be different to the rest of her family?

DaisyNGO · 20/12/2021 10:22

@LegallyBlende

My husband does. I try, honestly, but pt work and minding the kids, house etc...I am tired a lot. Yes, been to GP, had bloods done etc. I've always been like this.

My DP has this low energy, low motivation partner.

Probably I count as low achieving on the MN scale.

We have separate finances though.

If he wants DC to have £ help for uni etc, it will have to come from him.

DaisyNGO · 20/12/2021 10:25

@rhowton

I have previously ended relationships with people like this.

Same in reverse

I dated someone who was clearly unhappy that I wasn't a high achiever, so I had to dump him.

Sometimes it's just a mismatch, there's no right or wrong.

CSJobseeker · 20/12/2021 10:34

I wouldn't stay with someone like this.

I don't think being a high-flyer or high-earner is essential, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't have any passion or energy for anything. People who don't have any 'get up and go' are dull and draining to be around.

LonginesPrime · 20/12/2021 14:13

how do you ensure your kids don't learn from them?

Also, this sounds utterly bonkers - having a child with someone and then asking "how do I make sure my children don't learn from their own parent?" sounds like very poor planning on your part, OP.

If you weren't happy for this woman to jointly raise your children, why did you decide to have children with her? It makes zero sense, unless you were expecting her to hand the children over and disappear after the births?

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