Is this abuse? HELP

[Morrighanan]

Been with partner over 20 years. We have an 11 week old baby. Relationship has never been good (cheating, bad arguments at times) but I wouldn’t have called it abusive(?) and was stable when we started ttc. He has a temper and can be very cruel during arguments. But it seems to have gone off the rails since I was pregnant.

Fertility issues, very much wanted baby girl. First trimester was a stressful time with a move, I remember him shouting at me so much I had panic attacks. But things seemed to get better in my second trimester.

Start of third and things went completely to shit. He got COVID and was quite ill and then on return to work got sacked from his job. They claimed he was lying about attending jobs, he says he wasn’t (GPS tracker on van though so not sure how that works). He badgers me to get a job at my place, faced with being penniless on mat leave I pull strings.
At this point we are arguing all the time, I don’t remember a lot but just crying a lot in the shower apologising to my baby for crying so much.

I have the baby and it’s a traumatic experience (induced, long back labour, emcs, ga). He’s the perfect birth partner and post birth is perfect for 3 weeks. Then 2 days before he goes back to work the treating me cruelly comes back. I’m being told I can’t do anything, I’m useless, lazy etc.
He’s screaming and swearing at me whilst I or he hold baby, busting into the room whilst I’m showering to berate me. Telling me i sit at home and do nothing all day whilst he works, that breastfeeding is easy. Refusing to help with any night feeds or changes on the very rare occasion I ask as I’m too tired to stay awake holding baby. He starts destroying things during arguments that he has to replace like tv remote. Calling me names like psychopath, head case, horrible awful person.

Things reach a head one day and I tell him I can’t cope anymore and to leave. He throws a plate at the wall and broke a present I had bought someone. He screams at me over and over that I’m fucking scum, that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
Goes to his mums. Comes back and I stupidly take blame for most of it and try to resolve

Fights continue, he’s still losing his temper constantly. But I somehow feel like it might be ok.I get mental health support and he tells me to be careful what I reveal in terms of my own mental state in case they take the baby away from me

Last night, baby is crying out of nowhere and we don’t know why. She’s crying whenever he goes near her and I suggest it might be the aftershave he sprayed everywhere and to please take a shower. He does but uses strong scented body wash, and I ask him why he did that and rub my face in frustration. He explodes and slams his fist onto the changing table where the baby is currently lying, crying her heart out.
Instinct kicks in, push him away from her and take her in my arms, get her dressed and walk her round to sleep, ignoring him whilst he tries to talk to me like nothing happened. Once she’s asleep I tell him to get the fuck out and go to his mums. He tells me it’s my fault for nagging him and rubbing my face. Then goes weirdly calm and tells me I’m overreacting and unstable and he’s worried what I might do. I Tell him I never want to see him again, to contact me through his mum because I want zero contact

My dad was abusive, always shouting. Me and my sister are traumatised. I can’t let my daughter live with this, can I? Is this abuse? How do I leave? We are not married, don’t own a house. I am afraid I will cave and go back like I always do. I am afraid he will use my mental health against me

Darling, you need to do the best by your little girl and get him away from both of you. Have you got anyone you can turn to irl. You need support he is the one that is making you mentally unwell. Sending hugs

Yes this is abuse. He sounds aggressive and very, very frightening. You and the baby need to be out of this situation today. He's already been violent with the plate throwing and punching the changing table. Is there anyone you can go and stay with family, friends? Please get in touch with someone who can help, police or women's aid.

TBH not only do you need out, and now, but it sounds like he is the cause of your mental ill health. Not having to tiptoe around on egg shells will make you feel significantly better.

Who's name is in the tenancy agreement?

Hello lovely. I’m so sorry this is happening for you. Yes, this is abuse. And it is likely to get worse, for you and your little one because that’s how abuse and abusers work. It sounds like leaving will be hard but what is the other option. Staying? For more of that?

I don’t have any advice other than to suggest you contact refuge

www.refuge.org.uk/

They will have heard stories like yours before and will know what to suggest in your specific situation.

I know it must be very scary but you have what it takes to get through this. X

Yes it's abuse. Sounds like you'd be better off on your own, just you and the baby, to be honest.

Have you got somewhere else you can go? Have you got any family or friends to support you?

Yes this is abuse, and it will get worse if you don’t get out now. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? If not, contact the police or Women’s Aid who will help you find a safe place to stay.

reading this made my blood go cold. please do not allow this 'man' back in yours and yours child's life and seek help. rooting for you

Yes, this is awful abuse. You and baby need to be away from him now. Next time he could hurt your baby.
Master manipulators and abusers always use the mental health card against you to put you back in line to scare you into staying.

Firstly, yes he is abusive - everything you've described is abusive.

You have taken the first step - now you need to stay strong and stick to your decision. You need to get support in place - friends, your family if they are helpful, the national domestic violence support line/womens aid and/or a local domestic violence charity if there is one near you. Police if you feel he could return.

If ANYONE says 'I think you can work it out' then you cut them off. You need support from people who aren't going to minimise what's happening.

You and your baby are the most important people and you need to stay strong for both of you. Growing up in a house where fear is constant is hugely detrimental and as you can see in yourself it can leave you with some very broken boundaries that allow the cycle to repeat itself.

Pregnancy and or birth are often further flashpoints for abusers to further show their true colours.

Your whole life seems to have been tarnished by abusive men; first of all your dad and now this man who is abusive towards you (and in turn your DD as well). You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and its not surprising that you're with an abuser now; its that familiar to you and you know no different. No-one ever bothered to show you (and your sister) what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is and you still do not know even now.

He is projecting his own self onto you; HE'S the pyschopath, controlling person, headcase etc. Not you.

It is NOT your fault he is shouting at you like he is, in the mind of the abuser its always someone else's fault (i.e yours) and never their own. You absolutely cannot raise your child within that environment because she will likely go onto be with abusive men in her own adult life. History too has a nasty habit of repeating itself and you grew up in an abusive household. You do not mention your mum here; what happened to her?.

I presume you are in England, if so can you go out to a branch of Boots and ask the staff there for Ani?. They will direct you to one of their consultation rooms where you can access domestic violence support services. You and your daughter need a refuge place, neither of you are safe with such a man and your exits from this abuse needs to be planned with due care. If you feel unsafe I would call the police. You cannot keep going back nor should you take him back.

"They" are not going to take your baby away from you because of PND; he is being particularly nasty and cruel to say that to you and that is often used by abusers as a way to keep their target in line too.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Are you named on a tenancy agreement?. Gather up any and all important documents like your DDs birth certificate when he is out of the property.

You must leave him. He sounds so unstable, the next punch could be aimed at you or the baby.

Hi OP, that was a difficult read…..if I could I would just bring you and your little one to live with me. This is not normal & yes it is abusive, gaslighting, manipulative every word you can think of. He sounds unstable and you and the baby need to get as far away from him that you can. He sounds so unpredictable and the way he is lashing out has me worried for you and the baby. You do not need a man like that in your or your little girls life. Can you go to family? You need to leave and get some headspace, this is just so traumatising. Take any important things with you for now. If you can’t then do 2 things if possible 1) report him to the police like now 2) get someone to stay with you as you need to now not be on your alone so if he does come back you won’t take him back & he will see you are not alone. You need to report everything you have said in your post to the police so it is on record and they have a red flag on your address should he come round as then they can despatch officers to your address as a priority. I can only imagine the level of stress you must be under but please you need to look after yourself for your little one. I know you have a lot to process right now which is why if you can get someone to be with you then you have someone as support and to help with little one. There are much more knowledgeable people on here who can give you more advice than me and will be along shortly but if you can make a start on reporting him and getting some support irl that is a good start. Keep all the doors locked and a key in the front door so he can’t enter & block his number for now so you are not having to deal with calls/texts from him. I have to stress how important it is that you report him as someone like him could make a false report to social services. I will keep on checking back with you Op. I know it probably feels so overwhelming right now but remember everything you are doing is to protect your little one. Sending you a big hug right now x

You've been with him for 20 years, young enough to have a new baby and had an abusive father. I expect he targeted you from the start because you were vulnerable and yes everything he does is abusive. Him telling you you're a head case and that they'll take your baby away is said to stop you accessing help.

Abuse increases during pregnancy and once the baby arrives as they've finally 'trapped' you, abuse also increases at Christmas time. However, you are not trapped. There is help available to you, HV, police, women's shelters, women's aid. Yes you might have a few crappy years whilst you get back on your feet but your baby will be too young to know or care. Don't be embarrassed or second guess yourself, it will only get worse, his aggression is increasing and its only a matter of time before he hits you or the baby instead of the changing table. Shaken baby syndrome is a real risk if he holds her whilst angry and loses it.

You need to be brave, braver than you've ever been. Do not tell him you are leaving, just pack the essentials and go. Go to your sister, or a police station or a refuge ready for a new start in a new year.

Your mental health will improve once he’s out of your life.
Contact Women’s Aid today.
Is his name on the birth certificate?

He is gaslighting you by saying the baby could be taken away from you because of your MH, that will not happen. You do need to get away from him though. You’re doing everything by yourself anyway so you will cope. Imagine doing it without all that abuse being spewed at you all the time. Do you have family support? What do your family and friends think of him? He is very abusive and it’s an unhealthy situation for you and baby.

Yes this is abuse. No questions. Your 'MH problems' that he threatens to use against you are very ordinary, very understandable, and you are getting treatment for them. They don't threaten your child in any way and noone would hold them against you as a mother.

However, living with a violen, vile, angry, abusive man IS very bad for your daughter, and that could be held against you.

He is dangerous. He doesn't care about your or your DD's wellbeing. Please please stay away from him. There are signs that he could seriously injure (or worse) one of you.

Stay safe.

Yes this is abuse. Whose name is on the tenancy do you have any family or friends who could support you. You need to leave this relationship

Thanks to everyone who commented. I’m with my mum today, going to hers but unfortunately not likely overnight as she doesn’t have the space for us. My mum knows the detail of what is going on, she recognises it as abuse but doesn’t seem to be quite as adamant as on this thread…?

@AttilaTheMeerkat My mum stayed with my Dad 25 years whilst he was severely physically abusive (eg to extent of bleeding and broken bones) to me and my sister, and he was constantly exploding and shouting, always on eggshells. He wasn’t violent towards her but I do remember him being cruel. He eventually had an affair and left. She claims she didn’t recognise the extent… My own issues with my mum being in this kind of relationship play into this, like I cannot let this happen to my own baby.

@LefttoherownDevizes we are jointly on the tenancy agreement

I’ve already blocked and left a key in the front door, and said I want all contact through his mum but I’m worried about my own ability to stick to it. I’m so devastated I just wanted a happy family, this is baby’s first Christmas. It’s true that my boundaries are terrible and we have a degree of codependency so I’m terrible at accepting I’m being treated badly, but I have been recording incidents of verbal abuse on my phone just to keep myself sane that im not making it up. And seeing a fist slam into the mat my baby was lying on was horrifying in a way I can’t excuse away

I don’t think he intended or thought he would hurt her but he must have been trying to intimidate me at least and what if he had accidentally hit her? He manages to control his temper at work and outside the house.

It's extremely bad abuse. He sounds like he is escalating. He could hurt you or your daughter. Punching the changing table while your dd was on it is very dangerous.

Don't let him move back in. Most importantly you need to tell someone what is happening. You have written it down here. If you can't say it out loud then just show someone. You need help and support. You need protection.

She’s crying whenever he goes near her. Why let that man anywhere near your baby, if she is crying when he goes near her there is a reason. FGS contact women's refugee immediately and get out of there now. You and your baby are not safe. Please op do it now.

This is a terrible case of abuse.

You must not live with this man again, nor allow your daughter to live with him. Please ring up women's aid and get help to have a safe space to go to. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

You also need to sort out your own head. Talk to your GP and try the Freedom Programme.

This man is not only violent and cruel he is manipulative - that's why he is making threats about your baby being away. This will only get worse.

Your mum isn't being as definitive as everyone on here because she lived with abuse herself and either does't see it or feels guilty about it.

Don't rely on your mum to be the voice of reason, she was worn down by an abuser herself and is unlikely to see it for what it is

If your DD was at school and recounted to me what you have said here I would have contacted our safeguarding lead immediately as home is not a safe space for either of you. Just because it's 'just words' doesn't mean it's any less serious, many of the teens in my class have been brought up in households where those sorts of words and actions happen, where its not 'bad enough' for the other parent to leave or they themselves were terrified. Those teens are having counselling, self-harm regularly and have cripplingly low self-esteem leading them into the arms of the nearest person (next abuser) who grooms them and woes them with a few kind words. It is bloody devastating to witness.

Re read that last sentence you wrote OP. 'HE MANAGES TO CONTROL HIS TEMPER OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE AND AT WORK'. That's all you need to know.
He chooses to be abusive. He knows it is wrong otherwise he would do it everywhere.

Christ this is awful. She's crying because she's terrified of him. I'm so sorry you're going through this but you have the power to stop it.

Womens Aid and police today.

You may be able to get an occupation order to keep him out of the house. This is fairly easy to obtain quickly.

Please please call the police and tell them you are being abused and how terrified you are. Wishing you all the best

I’m really scared to call the police, I nearly called womens aid last night just to try and sound out like I am on this thread…
I have my first appointment with perinatal mental health on Monday. If I go to this appointment and disclose all the incidents that I can remember/have logged, what will happen? I’m really terrified of social services and things getting involved, it was always a huge fear when I was a child

I also voice recorded on my phone us talking about how he hit the table so I at least have some evidence he admitted to it