Is this abuse? HELP

[Morrighanan]

Been with partner over 20 years. We have an 11 week old baby. Relationship has never been good (cheating, bad arguments at times) but I wouldn’t have called it abusive(?) and was stable when we started ttc. He has a temper and can be very cruel during arguments. But it seems to have gone off the rails since I was pregnant.

Fertility issues, very much wanted baby girl. First trimester was a stressful time with a move, I remember him shouting at me so much I had panic attacks. But things seemed to get better in my second trimester.

Start of third and things went completely to shit. He got COVID and was quite ill and then on return to work got sacked from his job. They claimed he was lying about attending jobs, he says he wasn’t (GPS tracker on van though so not sure how that works). He badgers me to get a job at my place, faced with being penniless on mat leave I pull strings.
At this point we are arguing all the time, I don’t remember a lot but just crying a lot in the shower apologising to my baby for crying so much.

I have the baby and it’s a traumatic experience (induced, long back labour, emcs, ga). He’s the perfect birth partner and post birth is perfect for 3 weeks. Then 2 days before he goes back to work the treating me cruelly comes back. I’m being told I can’t do anything, I’m useless, lazy etc.
He’s screaming and swearing at me whilst I or he hold baby, busting into the room whilst I’m showering to berate me. Telling me i sit at home and do nothing all day whilst he works, that breastfeeding is easy. Refusing to help with any night feeds or changes on the very rare occasion I ask as I’m too tired to stay awake holding baby. He starts destroying things during arguments that he has to replace like tv remote. Calling me names like psychopath, head case, horrible awful person.

Things reach a head one day and I tell him I can’t cope anymore and to leave. He throws a plate at the wall and broke a present I had bought someone. He screams at me over and over that I’m fucking scum, that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
Goes to his mums. Comes back and I stupidly take blame for most of it and try to resolve

Fights continue, he’s still losing his temper constantly. But I somehow feel like it might be ok.I get mental health support and he tells me to be careful what I reveal in terms of my own mental state in case they take the baby away from me

Last night, baby is crying out of nowhere and we don’t know why. She’s crying whenever he goes near her and I suggest it might be the aftershave he sprayed everywhere and to please take a shower. He does but uses strong scented body wash, and I ask him why he did that and rub my face in frustration. He explodes and slams his fist onto the changing table where the baby is currently lying, crying her heart out.
Instinct kicks in, push him away from her and take her in my arms, get her dressed and walk her round to sleep, ignoring him whilst he tries to talk to me like nothing happened. Once she’s asleep I tell him to get the fuck out and go to his mums. He tells me it’s my fault for nagging him and rubbing my face. Then goes weirdly calm and tells me I’m overreacting and unstable and he’s worried what I might do. I Tell him I never want to see him again, to contact me through his mum because I want zero contact

My dad was abusive, always shouting. Me and my sister are traumatised. I can’t let my daughter live with this, can I? Is this abuse? How do I leave? We are not married, don’t own a house. I am afraid I will cave and go back like I always do. I am afraid he will use my mental health against me

The person you see on Monday will help you if you tell them

I was in similar situation and confided in my midwife when pregnant. They referred to SW who helped me until after the baby was born. I had to go into a hostel but was housed when he was 6 weeks old. She linked me with an excellent solicitors firm too. My SW was lovely, she was from South Africa and I still remember her now 25 years on.

You can get help to protect your daughter and yourself from him. Be strong

I'm curious if you got your bpd diagnosis after getting with him? Because if so then it's very possible that you actually have ptsd, not bpd. They often present in solicitor ways and living with an abuser for a long time can of course cause ptsd. You may find that all the supposed bpd symptoms drastically reduce once you are free of him.

*Similar not solicitor

@Pinkbonbon

I'm curious if you got your bpd diagnosis after getting with him? Because if so then it's very possible that you actually have ptsd, not bpd. They often present in solicitor ways and living with an abuser for a long time can of course cause ptsd. You may find that all the supposed bpd symptoms drastically reduce once you are free of him.

This^

After all the years of abuse from your father and bf, PTSD would be likely.

@Pinkbonbon yes I did, he’s my only real relationship, I’ve known him most of my life. Diagnosed during a particularly unstable period of our relationship. And yes my symptoms are 99% related to our relationship as I’m quite capable of holding down jobs, plenty of friends. Just all my anger and sadness goes inwards. I’ve questioned the dx at times but been assured it’s accurate by HCPs, then again I’ve never really been totally honest about our relationship either.

Of course it's abusive but what is MOST concerning is he is quite obviously building up to hurting the baby.

Get him out or yourself and baby out and well away from him asap.

He can't use your Mh against you it doesn't work like that TRUST ME!

I have severe ocd, agoraphobia, depression and general anxiety and I have had ss involvement at times and honestly that is NOT how it works they're not child snatchers!

Ask for and accept the help available to you both for escaping DV and parenting with Mh issues nobody can do it alone and certainly not under those circumstances

Your Mh will likely improve GREATLY by moving on from him anyway! You must be a nervous wreck!

How much space do you and baby need? Not much! As a temporary and urgent necessity you're much better off staying at your mums until you can arrange something else

Your mum in UNDER reacting as she has been desensitised because of her own experiences

I do the same I don't think a bit of shouting and swearing is that bad...but then I see others reactions on mn and realise it's because I've been so desensitised

I've heard good things about this organisation :

https://www.ncdv.org.uk

Re having abusers removed from the family home.

I don’t think he intended or thought he would hurt her

Sorry but I do...and even if he didn't intend to he easily could have! With a tiny baby that is NOT an acceptable risk

Talk to womens aid, speak to your gp/hv/midwife to get support to resist taking him back you really can't!

it was always a huge fear when I was a child

It was like this in my childhood home too, when my mother first learned I had a sw she panicked!

BUT

That was your abuser not wanting to get caught!

You have nothing to fear from ss support. He is a far greater threat to you and your child's safety, well being AND peace of mind

If you don't disclose and it later emerges what's been going on the support people may be less likely to believe you are doing all that's necessary to keep your child safe.

Plus frankly it's hard work and very stressful keeping such secrets. The only person it serves to do so is him!

@JustKeepSwimmingJust great to have a post from someone with experience of ss involvement where it's dv I only have it from Mh perspective

In my case they :

Spoke to the school to get dd and I support
Spoke to landlord to enable support for us
Put me in touch with local support groups for parents with Mh issues which was a great help
For a brief period of time arranged for someone to take dd to and from school
Arranged for someone to mind dd for a couple hours a week during Christmas holidays to allow me some mental space and to get certain chores done I was finding hard to do with dd there.

They are not evil! They exist to HELP families

The main sw I had was also FANTASTIC for reassuring me that I wasn't a terrible mum and for me in particular that it wasn't the end of the world that while getting back on my feet dd was eating more mcds/takeaways/ready meals than I would normally do!

As for happy families - they come in all shapes and sizes! I raised dd as a single parent since she was tiny and we had plenty of very happy Christmases

Can you bag/box up his stuff and deliver it to where he is staying when he isn't there? At least his essentials?

If not then arrange that he only comes to collect when you have someone there supporting you (preferably someone he'll think twice about abusing you in front of)

When discussing the perinatal mental health he even said “well you have a very stigmatised diagnosis” and seemed to think it would count against me when assessing me for custody or ability to care for her

That's him gaslighting you!

He's talking crap!

If he's putting the abuse in writing on the formats you've unblocked him that's in your favour - let him crack on!

Hide it in some form so you're not constantly affected by it, but have it so you can save it/screenshot it to show relevant others

then again I’ve never really been totally honest about our relationship either.

Which means they didn't have the full info in order to make an accurate dx.

Have you been honest about your childhood?

Please do be honest with people and get the support you need and deserve

You have had excellent advice on here.
Feel free to post anytime when you have doubts and need support.

You can do this. 2022 can be a new start for you and your baby.
You're both worth it.