Been with partner over 20 years. We have an 11 week old baby. Relationship has never been good (cheating, bad arguments at times) but I wouldn’t have called it abusive(?) and was stable when we started ttc. He has a temper and can be very cruel during arguments. But it seems to have gone off the rails since I was pregnant.
Fertility issues, very much wanted baby girl. First trimester was a stressful time with a move, I remember him shouting at me so much I had panic attacks. But things seemed to get better in my second trimester.
Start of third and things went completely to shit. He got COVID and was quite ill and then on return to work got sacked from his job. They claimed he was lying about attending jobs, he says he wasn’t (GPS tracker on van though so not sure how that works). He badgers me to get a job at my place, faced with being penniless on mat leave I pull strings.
At this point we are arguing all the time, I don’t remember a lot but just crying a lot in the shower apologising to my baby for crying so much.
I have the baby and it’s a traumatic experience (induced, long back labour, emcs, ga). He’s the perfect birth partner and post birth is perfect for 3 weeks. Then 2 days before he goes back to work the treating me cruelly comes back. I’m being told I can’t do anything, I’m useless, lazy etc.
He’s screaming and swearing at me whilst I or he hold baby, busting into the room whilst I’m showering to berate me. Telling me i sit at home and do nothing all day whilst he works, that breastfeeding is easy. Refusing to help with any night feeds or changes on the very rare occasion I ask as I’m too tired to stay awake holding baby. He starts destroying things during arguments that he has to replace like tv remote. Calling me names like psychopath, head case, horrible awful person.
Things reach a head one day and I tell him I can’t cope anymore and to leave. He throws a plate at the wall and broke a present I had bought someone. He screams at me over and over that I’m fucking scum, that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
Goes to his mums. Comes back and I stupidly take blame for most of it and try to resolve
Fights continue, he’s still losing his temper constantly. But I somehow feel like it might be ok.I get mental health support and he tells me to be careful what I reveal in terms of my own mental state in case they take the baby away from me
Last night, baby is crying out of nowhere and we don’t know why. She’s crying whenever he goes near her and I suggest it might be the aftershave he sprayed everywhere and to please take a shower. He does but uses strong scented body wash, and I ask him why he did that and rub my face in frustration. He explodes and slams his fist onto the changing table where the baby is currently lying, crying her heart out.
Instinct kicks in, push him away from her and take her in my arms, get her dressed and walk her round to sleep, ignoring him whilst he tries to talk to me like nothing happened. Once she’s asleep I tell him to get the fuck out and go to his mums. He tells me it’s my fault for nagging him and rubbing my face. Then goes weirdly calm and tells me I’m overreacting and unstable and he’s worried what I might do. I Tell him I never want to see him again, to contact me through his mum because I want zero contact
My dad was abusive, always shouting. Me and my sister are traumatised. I can’t let my daughter live with this, can I? Is this abuse? How do I leave? We are not married, don’t own a house. I am afraid I will cave and go back like I always do. I am afraid he will use my mental health against me