I can’t face another Christmas like this

[Sadagain111]

Alone. I’m 38 in June. I can’t believe I’m even typing that out.

I’ve tried everything to find someone. I have therapy, I try and look after myself. I’ve been on tablets because I’ve felt low. Im doing all I can. I got promoted this year and all I felt was sadness that I had nobody to share it with, nobody who gave a shit really. The pay rise meant nothing much as I can’t share it with anyone.

I’ve widened my dating criteria. I’ve ignored dating for a while, I’ve focused on it. I even met someone I thought was great in summer and that’s fallen apart which I’m still gutted about.

Just so low. I’ve been searching for a relationship now for the last four years. Friends have married, had kids, one has been married and divorced and married again in this time. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Have you considered a dating coach? They can give you an honest assessment of where you might be going wrong and how to improve your approach.

www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=dating+coach+uk

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

I’m sorry you are feeling low.

It might be worth looking at a match making service like drawing down the moon

@MissConductUS yeah I actually did this last year. It didn’t change much but cost loads. I feel like I’ve tried everything and been really unlucky. Either that or I just don’t find anyone decent attractive.

I have been exactly where you are now. At 38 I was single, depressed and wondering why all my friends had a family and I didn’t. Two years later I am now with a great guy and we have the most incredible son. I never thought it would happen for me and had almost given up hope. So my point is do not give up!! You probably have tried everything and have been unlucky but you don’t know what is waiting around the corner for you!

Sorry that you're suffering, I can hear your pain and frustration. I agree it's a good idea to have breaks from dating when you get fed up. I'm similar in that I enjoy being in a relationship and have had many failed ones over the years. It's very sad and depressing

Have a child on your own?

I'm sorry if my advice is unhelpful but I would suggest you stop dating.

Give yourself 2022 to fully enjoy being yourself. Stop looking. Stop waiting. Stop hoping. Stop feeling rejected. Stop feeling let down. Stop feeling disappointed. Stop being unhappily wanting what you don't have.

Spend a year making plans for yourself. Live you life.

I echo @Yummypumpkin Just spend some time being YOU.

I’m mid-30s and have been single for over a decade now. I understand how you feel and being single gets harder the older I get as all of my friends have settled down and are busy with partners and kids. I have a relatively wide friendship group but inevitably find they are busy or would rather do things like holidays and concerts and theatre trips etc with their families and partners.

I’m don’t really understand what previous posters means when they say things like ‘spend some time being you.’ It’s hard to be anybody when you are sat at home in your own, without anybody to comment to when you watch TV, without anyone to remark to on a walk when you see something inspiring or beautiful, without anyone to offer a taste of the delicious food, without anyone to share a joke with etc. There’s a limit to how interesting you can be when there’s nobody to bounce off and things that you would enjoy if shared with someone else can become boring when you’re always doing them alone; I love travelling for example but it’s just not the same when you’re on your own to being with another person.

@MolkosTeenageAngst

I’m mid-30s and have been single for over a decade now. I understand how you feel and being single gets harder the older I get as all of my friends have settled down and are busy with partners and kids. I have a relatively wide friendship group but inevitably find they are busy or would rather do things like holidays and concerts and theatre trips etc with their families and partners.

I’m don’t really understand what previous posters means when they say things like ‘spend some time being you.’ It’s hard to be anybody when you are sat at home in your own, without anybody to comment to when you watch TV, without anyone to remark to on a walk when you see something inspiring or beautiful, without anyone to offer a taste of the delicious food, without anyone to share a joke with etc. There’s a limit to how interesting you can be when there’s nobody to bounce off and things that you would enjoy if shared with someone else can become boring when you’re always doing them alone; I love travelling for example but it’s just not the same when you’re on your own to being with another person.

@MolkosTeenageAngst yes exactly! I know posters are trying to be helpful and there is an element of yes, be happy alone. But where does it end? It’s all well and good being ok with yourself and doing things that interest you and help you be a better person but you’re right, most people want someone in their life to share all that with.

It’s obviously an unpopular view but I feel like there’s such a gap in my happiness that can’t be sourced from joining a paint class or becoming an expert in french or travelling a alone and on your own timetable.

I agree about travelling too. I still do travel and do things even though I’m alone but it’s not the same. Of course now and then it’s nice to have some time to yourself but overall most people want to be on a plane with someone they love or checking into a hotel with their partner.

I also feel very left out of things. Understandably people want to be with their families mostly. I’d be the same. I get I’m not a priority or even close to that with any of my friends. It’s so hard.

I don’t really want to say it, but depending on how desperate you are, you could settle?
People do it all the time apparently, even when it started with someone they loved, they fall out of love but instead of moving on just settle.

What has turned you off someone in the past? Said the wrong thing or just didn’t click? Maybe not having too high expectations would help you find someone.

I know that sounds shit, but you either carry on and hope your luck changes or you settle for someone just to have someone to be with.

This all sounds a lot worse written down, but like I said, some people are happy to couple up and settle for what they have instead of what they want.

@NoNameHere12

I don’t really want to say it, but depending on how desperate you are, you could settle? People do it all the time apparently, even when it started with someone they loved, they fall out of love but instead of moving on just settle.

What has turned you off someone in the past? Said the wrong thing or just didn’t click? Maybe not having too high expectations would help you find someone.

I know that sounds shit, but you either carry on and hope your luck changes or you settle for someone just to have someone to be with.

This all sounds a lot worse written down, but like I said, some people are happy to couple up and settle for what they have instead of what they want.

@NoNameHere12 thanks. I’ve been dating someone recently, had 5 dates. On paper he’s great and visually he’s no less attractive than anyone else I’ve dated. He’s also very straightforward and nice. I don’t have that feeling though. I do like him but I’m definitely not falling fast for him in any way at all.

So yeah I guess I could pursue this and just get on with trying to build a life with someone. I wouldn’t be lonely then, that’s certainly true.

Frankly it is a buyers market for women. The trick is to find out what the guy is truly looking for and being good at spotting signs of the ones saying they want a relationship but will dump you after they've had sex a few times and got bored.

As previous poster said - consider 'settling' i.e. lowering your standards when it comes to looks, education, money/career, class etc.

I know of people, albeit younger, who are clearly so picky and expect to bag a love Island type guy when they are quite average themselves. Sure they've got some time to keep holding out so they may get lucky. But it isn't half annoying to hear them complain and when you look at their apps with them they have hundred of decent matches they have straight up ignored

@LampLighter414 one thing I am quite strict on is education. I’ve been lucky to have a good education and in a decent job. I can’t seem to have any attraction for any man who doesn’t match that. Looks I’m far less bothered about and have dated people who most of my friends thought were less than appealing….

Men come and go throughout life. If you find someone now it is unlikely you'll still be together in 10 years. Same thing goes for in 10 years.

Partners are temporary company. They are not an ending and rarely are they a 'happy ever after'.

If you want kids then you may have to consider other routes if you are single during this time.

But being single is not failing at life. Nor is being with someone necessary, succeeding.

Christmas is all about family and couples and all that jazz so it can be depressing sometimes for some. Personally, I skip it on years I don't feel like celebrating it. Because I can.

Be kinder to yourself. And stop worrying about finding a man. You might find someone at 45 and your friends might divorce at 45. You might divorce at 60 and find a toyboy at 65. Men come and go. It's really not a big deal unless you make it one.

Beautifully said @Pinkbonbon

Have you done any introspection or analysis on why you think you haven't met anyone? To date for 4 years and looking means you must have some insight on what hasn't worked, or what reasons you've been given by dates for things not progressing?

I completely understand wanting to meet someone, and how lonely it can feel. But I also think there are always things you can do or not do to increase your chances of meeting someone, and I don't mean just dating or living your best life. I mean, really understanding negative patterns in your dating interactions, how others perceive you, or whether you don't understand yourself well enough to know who would be a good fit. As an example, I have a long term single friend who is beautiful, successful, has a great life, lots of hobbies etc - I've never understood why she hadn't met anyone. So I set her up with a single, colleague of mine who she had always fancied, and on paper they seemed a great match. However, after they had been on a few dates he decided not to continue, and told me that she was quite irritable and impatient. It's not something I'd never noticed in her myself, but after he commented I did start seeing it - she had a very low tolerance for anything that wasn't to her standard and could get quite snappy. As a mate, it never bothered me, but I can see why someone would not want to live with that behaviour. Point being, that sometimes it pays to really be honest with your less than desirable traits and consider how it might come across to a potential life partner. Incidentally, after I conveyed what he'd said, she was more aware of it, and has ended up with a very different man than she envisaged. Her current partner is a very laid back, type B person who doesn't mind her perfectionism whereas she traditionally went for guys just like her (also she doesn't hold him to the same exacting standard she held other men).

Another example is of a colleague who after a lot of therapy realised she had a real issue being vulnerable with a partner. And put on this shield of never showing she was upset, or hurt, or in any way affected by something a man did. She thought it made her come across strong, cool and as someone not to be messed around with. However, emotionally healthy guys thought she was just too cold and disinterested in them, and the arseholes saw it as a challenge to break down her defences.

So, just to say, that just like with everything else in life, if something isn't working it's good to consider why, or what you can actively do to change it. Dating is tough for sure, and also a numbers game - but understanding yourself better makes it easier to be happy with someone best suited for you, than chasing someone who isn't.

@Yummypumpkin

I'm sorry if my advice is unhelpful but I would suggest you stop dating.

Give yourself 2022 to fully enjoy being yourself. Stop looking. Stop waiting. Stop hoping. Stop feeling rejected. Stop feeling let down. Stop feeling disappointed. Stop being unhappily wanting what you don't have.

Spend a year making plans for yourself. Live you life.

Absolutely this. A watched kettle never boils.

How many dates are you going on? Do you live in a big city or small town? In London I did 3 online dates in one week. Quick 1.5 hour max drinks. Don’t do them one by one and invest loads of time into it. Just meet as many people as possible quickly, it sounds like you need to shake up the type of guys you go for and meet lots of different guys to find out what your actual true type is.

I’ve been lucky to have a good education and in a decent job. I can’t seem to have any attraction for any man who doesn’t match that.

There are a lot of men out there, good job and good education is not something I ever considered. It's the person. That's a huge limitation straightaway.You may have preconditioned it in and without even seeing who is in front of you, or thinking it out, you may push them aside. Are you really, truly seeing that other person in front of you when you meet someone for a date? or are you mentally checking off why they don't fit you. What happened in your last relationship? Who ended it and why? Don't panic, I always believe there is someone for everyone, of course there is, just something may need to change and even the most self insightful person will miss where the block is.

I disagree you need to stop dating to take the pressure off. Just meet guys quickly for short periods of time, don’t dwell or take hours to get ready or go on long dates. Meet guys after work or on your lunch break.

Do you think you could be too picky or expecting too much by any chance?
I stayed with the same man since 19 because he’s safe. He doesn’t given me crazy butterflies or anything like movies but he’s dependable and kind. I think he looks good but I don’t think he’s “the most beautiful man on the Earth” as some would describe their partners. I do miss him if we’re apart, a lot, but I’m not sure if I’m IN love with him. I do love him, but it’s safe and predictable and not fireworks and champagne. Im neruodivergent and don’t feel anything much for humans in general except children and my best friend if that makes a difference. I feel deep sadness by any child abuse cases or people in general going hungry but my sister is “okay” but I don’t love her more than I love my friends but that’s likely due to age gap.

What I’m saying is, are you expecting to feel something too early on? Got it to be dramatic and love at first sight? Please don’t ignore any red flags but also don’t write someone off too soon

Sorry for the mistakes, my phone keyboard kept lagging

Pinkbonbon

‘Men come and go throughout life. If you find someone now it is unlikely you'll still be together in 10 years. Same thing goes for in 10 years.

Partners are temporary company. They are not an ending and rarely are they a 'happy ever after'.

If you want kids then you may have to consider other routes if you are single during this time.

But being single is not failing at life. Nor is being with someone necessary, succeeding.

Christmas is all about family and couples and all that jazz so it can be depressing sometimes for some. Personally, I skip it on years I don't feel like celebrating it. Because I can.

Be kinder to yourself. And stop worrying about finding a man. You might find someone at 45 and your friends might divorce at 45. You might divorce at 60 and find a toyboy at 65. Men come and go. It's really not a big deal unless you make it one.’

Absolutely this.

I understand. I’m mid 30s and sick of being single. It’s only been 6 years but I’ve had enough. I’ve online dated, met through work, met through friends and they’ve turned out wrong. I want my person and I feel like he doesn’t exist . I want a family and to travel etc but feel so left out compared to my friends and their families.