I can’t face another Christmas like this

[Sadagain111]

Alone. I’m 38 in June. I can’t believe I’m even typing that out.

I’ve tried everything to find someone. I have therapy, I try and look after myself. I’ve been on tablets because I’ve felt low. Im doing all I can. I got promoted this year and all I felt was sadness that I had nobody to share it with, nobody who gave a shit really. The pay rise meant nothing much as I can’t share it with anyone.

I’ve widened my dating criteria. I’ve ignored dating for a while, I’ve focused on it. I even met someone I thought was great in summer and that’s fallen apart which I’m still gutted about.

Just so low. I’ve been searching for a relationship now for the last four years. Friends have married, had kids, one has been married and divorced and married again in this time. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

@Sadagain111 I am in exactly the same boat. 6 years single bar some short term things and getting to the stage where I want to give up trying. I have a brilliant career, fabulous friends and family and make the most of life but I can’t seem to meet someone.

I have done the stop dating thing, I have prioritised myself, I have tried to not let it hold me back (and ignored endless frankly patronising advice). But it is hard and I really understand how you feel. You aren’t alone in this!

@CharlotteRose90 sending a hug, I know exactly how you feel

@MolkosTeenageAngst I get it. Completely and what you said I could have typed word for word

You’re getting so much different advice from give up dating to do it more intensely. All could be valid for someone.

We’re all influenced by our own experience and while I’m sure there are people who met their partner spontaneously I know lots who did it through the effort of going on dates- myself included. I also don’t have the personality to strict up conversations with men I’d bump into during my day to day life, so was unlikely to find my partner in the queue at Tesco.

You said you met someone recently so you are coming into contact with men you like hopefully you’ll find someone soon who you’ll start a relationship with. I know it’s frustrating but I say don’t give up! In most things in life I don’t think the passive attitude of sitting back and just leaving it to fate brings in the best results.

It is a long time since I dated but I agree that hoping for something to happen by chance is very unlikely to result in anything (that is often the premise in romantic films, but real life isn't Hollywood.)

If you want a relationship, you have to be actively looking for one, whether through online dating or meeting people in other ways.

Also agree with not putting all your eggs in one basket. See several people at once and only focus on one if it feels like it is going somewhere. Your 5 dates guy shouldn't be your only one judging by your attitude towards him.

Just to pick up on what you said about education. Maybe you should unpick that? There's a difference between being educated and intelligent. For me intelligence is vital, the same level of education, not necessarily. In my 20s I had two relationships with guys who didn't have degrees like I did. Both commented on it but it really didn't bother me at all. Both ended but not due to our different levels of education (I know because I ended them).

I can't see how trying to be happy on your own could work - despite the fact it is often advised on mn. That's a position people come to when they achieve acceptance that they will live a single life. You are not at this point and you can't force it. After all you can get dates and you still seem to be dating. This isn't the time to give up - though it is a depressing time of the year if you are in the UK so you could be forgiven for wallowing in self pity until the 'festive season' is over!

No relationship is better than a shit relationship. Which many married people are in.

It's tricky because none of us know you or what your day to day life involves / how you go about things. So sorry if this is completely off key!

• Think about the things you would like to do with a partner. Can you do any of those things on your own? If you start going to events / classes / places that you would like to share with a partner you might find a like-minded person whilst you are at it?
• Try to say yes as often as possible. If you are invited to go somewhere or do something out of the norm, just say yes (within reason of course)! Opening yourself to new things can help you to meet new people, but also might bring focus to things you had forgotten about yourself and help to boost your confidence.
• Remember that being single is better than being with the wrong person. Your friends might be married but are they all truly happy?
• Broaden your "criteria". In fact, try to forget all the criteria. When you meet someone special, where they went to school won't mean a thing. It might be that a more hands on practical guy would be more supportive of you at this stage, instead of someone with exactly the same background.

Hopefully you can start to enjoy the ride a bit more, which will help endlessly! A happy, successful 38 year old woman who can let her guard down and enjoy her time is surely a sexy prospect for any potential partner?

Well I'm 45 and in the same situation except I now realise I won't be having children (mainly as I have serious health problems).

All the men who try to flirt with me either have partners, are frankly quite weird, or far too young.
Where are the normal nice men who are 35-55 who are single??

I do have two serious health problems - Schizoaffective disorder & epilepsy but even my work colleagues don't all know i have these illnesses so it's not obvious to others.

I must admit I don't do OLD. I find it scary. I know I need to get over that!!

Honestly it's so hard to find people you are truely compatible with.

I've had so many 1st & 2nd dates that I've gone in with an open mind and heart. Usually have a really nice time, but I usually know I'm not bothered about seeing them again.
In 18 months of online dating I've not come close to finding someone long term, I know it's potentially going to be a life-long search, but I don't make it my only focus, and I try to have fun. I've met some lovely blokes, one has turned into an occasional FWB as I've rediscovered my appreciation of sex, and I keep swiping, hoping one day I'll find someone I want to share my life with.
But honestly, just try to live your best life, none of us can predict our futures.

I would be happy with something casual too; but I think that the problem is I'm not very confident in my weight at present as I'm 3st7lbs overweight... I don't feel confident enough for an FWB.

@NoNameHere12

I don’t really want to say it, but depending on how desperate you are, you could settle? People do it all the time apparently, even when it started with someone they loved, they fall out of love but instead of moving on just settle.

What has turned you off someone in the past? Said the wrong thing or just didn’t click? Maybe not having too high expectations would help you find someone.

I know that sounds shit, but you either carry on and hope your luck changes or you settle for someone just to have someone to be with.

This all sounds a lot worse written down, but like I said, some people are happy to couple up and settle for what they have instead of what they want.

My friend did this OP, she settled as she wanted kids and now she is ashamed she ever called it that as she is besotted with her husband and he treats her better than anyone ever has

I don't know if this has been suggested but there are still places you can pay services for a match making service. Have you tried anything like this? A dating agency. I think I would if I were single. I hate the idea of apps as it's all very shallow.

As pp have said maybe you need to lower your standards. You say education is important to you do you mean he has to be degree level or higher. I have 3 degrees had 2 high powered careers running side by side. I met several educated men most were tools. My dh is not educated beyond high school, works in a manuel job, he is the best in his field, he is handsome kind funny generous romantic a fantastic dad. Please look at your tick list maybe it is too long. I wish you luck op hope you find your soul mate very soon

Would you consider to have a child on your own via a sperm donor?

That's what I ended up doing aged 38/39.

To cut a long story short, I decided not to put my life on hold for a man/relationship any longer after years (two decades) of dating including a marriage. So after a careful consideration, I did IVF which was the procedure I was required to have; there is an option of doing an IUI which is much cheaper and less invasive). There was no way that I was giving up on motherhood (or at least to try) due to not having a man/relationship. I needed to re-frame my perspective and thinking. You do need to be quite resilient but it is doable.

My little boy is fast asleep next to me and it has been absolutely worth it! Of course you'd need to take into account the financial, emotional and physical impact doing it alone would have on you. Would I trade it to be back on the dating scene getting depressed/panicked at my fertility declining/disappearing...the ghosting/ the rejections/the lack of chemistry/the future-faking etc. no way. I have my family now. As per @Pinkbonbon , men/relationships come and go, together forever is rare.

I can't wait to date again in a strange way, but the next time without the desperation and panic over whether we will or wont 'make' it ....

Nobody can guarantee whether you will or won't meet someone suitable, but biology doesn't care so if you are concerned about having children, at least go and get fertility checks done so you know where you stand.

Op I would definitely persure your current relationship! You've just said there's nothing wrong with him. (!)
In real life there isn't always this 'zing'. It's about prioritising what you want. Ie partner and family over not.

I think the idea of the spark and connection put a lot of people on the wrong path.

I think you could be being a bit unfair writing off people without the same education level as you. As you say you have been lucky to get a decent education. Not everyone is so lucky. It doesn’t mean it makes them any “less”. An university education means less these days anyway. Would you really discount a builder or a plumber for instance? They might show entrepreneurship, have built up a business, make a great living and be far more interesting then someone with a Mickey Mouse degree and an office job. Also men who are highly educated are often perfectly happy to date “down” in terms of education level which widens their field somewhat.
For instance working in a hospital the male Drs all happily date nurses, physios etc. The females rarely do. They only seem to date other Drs or men outside of their profession at a similar level ie solicitors etc. much more limiting for them.

@crochetmonkey74

I think the idea of the spark and connection put a lot of people on the wrong path.

This

Most decent relationships I know didnt have a spark..

A good spark is good to create a relationship that may not work out.

Book 2 nights at a Warner hotel?

@Yummypumpkin

I'm sorry if my advice is unhelpful but I would suggest you stop dating.

Give yourself 2022 to fully enjoy being yourself. Stop looking. Stop waiting. Stop hoping. Stop feeling rejected. Stop feeling let down. Stop feeling disappointed. Stop being unhappily wanting what you don't have.

Spend a year making plans for yourself. Live you life.

This. And if it suits your life, get a dog or two. Great company AND you meet people walking theirs.

I was feeling as desperate as you when I was 39. I'd just split from a long term cohabiting boyfriend and I was frantic to meet a new one and get right into another LTR.

I'm now in my 60s and happily single. I live with housemates and there are no rows, no upsets, and nobody can take away my home, freedom or peace of mind.

Reading threads on here makes it clear that so many relationships end up being a misery, I think I am glad I am out of it.

Absolutely do not settle. It’s temporary and you’ll lose time & effort on the wrong person. Sod that.

Met the love of my life at 37. I’ve been where you are & I know it feels over whelming. I felt this unrelenting pressure to get on with it.

I don’t think any time of the year is worse than Xmas, let alone Xmas during a pandemic. Things will be brighter after NYE. In the meantime try the Love is Coming podcast

Very roughly, where in the UK, or world are you OP?

@Chunkymenrock

Very roughly, where in the UK, or world are you OP?

What politely is the relevance of this?

Don't settle, just give it a chance. Also you're not going to be able to make a proper decision if you're not in a good head space.

@todaysdilemma well said. And I think that @BiscuitLover3678 is right about the "spark" setting people off on the wrong path. A slow burn is sometimes better.