I can’t face another Christmas like this

[Sadagain111]

Alone. I’m 38 in June. I can’t believe I’m even typing that out.

I’ve tried everything to find someone. I have therapy, I try and look after myself. I’ve been on tablets because I’ve felt low. Im doing all I can. I got promoted this year and all I felt was sadness that I had nobody to share it with, nobody who gave a shit really. The pay rise meant nothing much as I can’t share it with anyone.

I’ve widened my dating criteria. I’ve ignored dating for a while, I’ve focused on it. I even met someone I thought was great in summer and that’s fallen apart which I’m still gutted about.

Just so low. I’ve been searching for a relationship now for the last four years. Friends have married, had kids, one has been married and divorced and married again in this time. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

You will find someone when you're not looking. It's cruel but how it often works. The best dating advice is to start some new hobbies of things you actually enjoy and you'll meet people through that. Widen your social circle , focus on YOU and what you enjoy. Fill your spare time, and give yourself stuff to focus on and talk about. The rest will fall into place. I met my DH shortly after I had written off finding anyone after years of meeting muppets in different guises. It's how it works for many of us.

Honestly it sounds to me like you’re placing too much importance on a man’s physical attractiveness. Attraction is so much more than that, and it can grow over time as you get to know and trust someone.

@woohoo54

You will find someone when you're not looking. It's cruel but how it often works. The best dating advice is to start some new hobbies of things you actually enjoy and you'll meet people through that. Widen your social circle , focus on YOU and what you enjoy. Fill your spare time, and give yourself stuff to focus on and talk about. The rest will fall into place. I met my DH shortly after I had written off finding anyone after years of meeting muppets in different guises. It's how it works for many of us.

I agree with this. It really is true.

🙄 To help OP find some things that could help.

At 30 I gave up on finding "Mr Right" or even "Mr. Okay". I work in a female dominated industry and live in a small town. Decided what I wanted was a family, so set about to adopt. At 32 I had DD1 and at 34 I had DD2. The three of us were a family. Am now almost 70 and still no Mister Right but a fine family with grown children and grandchildren.
No regrets.

[quote Sadagain111]@LampLighter414 one thing I am quite strict on is education. I’ve been lucky to have a good education and in a decent job. I can’t seem to have any attraction for any man who doesn’t match that. Looks I’m far less bothered about and have dated people who most of my friends thought were less than appealing….[/quote]
Have you considered that perhaps this rule is your problem? You have got to 38 and appear to have lowered all standards other than this one so maybe that is key?

Education and intelligence are quite separate. So what is it about Education that is appealing to you? Find that and you may find that quality appears in someone less educated than you think you desire.

Before meeting my husband I dated a guy who on paper was uneducated, he left school at 16, went into a blue collar industry. He was however intelligent, had developed an amazing general knowledge and incredibly successful in his field.

Widen your field you may find the type you think you have is not the one for you.

I think you have out all your happiness eggs in one basket
And it’s the hardest most difficult basket as love is not predictable
So you work hard on garden , it blooms
Work hard at work , it pays off
Nurture friendships , they are there for you
But dating isn’t like that

I thick you need some type of restart and refocus

As you only have one life and being miserable because you don’t have a partner feels very sad

I'm interested in this line:

"Either that or I just don’t find anyone decent attractive." Do you have reason to think that?

Personally I know that a lot of my relationship struggles are due to childhood trauma. It really screws with my perception of partners and my ability to maintain relationships. I'm working as hard as i can to fix it, using a lot of different trauma therapy techniques. Am scared of running out of time on the having children front though, and am considering my options from that point of view. But I don't want to pass on my issues to a child either!

Find someone solvent, well educated, who has a similar sense of humour and who you like having sex with. who has friends you like and parents/family they get on with (but not too well).

And carry on going out with them.

There might not be a spark, or a moment of amazingness but you'll have someone.

Then get out and make your own life too.

@Yummypumpkin

I'm sorry if my advice is unhelpful but I would suggest you stop dating.

Give yourself 2022 to fully enjoy being yourself. Stop looking. Stop waiting. Stop hoping. Stop feeling rejected. Stop feeling let down. Stop feeling disappointed. Stop being unhappily wanting what you don't have.

Spend a year making plans for yourself. Live you life.

This is excellent advice from @Yummypumpkin

Your post reads as if you somehow feel less than for not having a partner. While I agree it can enhance your life to share it with someone else, there are many, many people whose relationship is a serious cause of stress.

Enjoy your life just as it it right now. Anything else will be a bonus.

Thinking the same thing about education. 1 of the smartest guys i know left school after gcses but is so well read, wins every pub quiz lol.

Sorry you are feeling this way. That sounds really hard. Sending big hugs. You could draw up a 'New Year Plan of Distraction' to focus your mind on other things for a little bit. You can't control meeting the right person, but you can learn a language online, read a best selling novel, do some free training online, sign up as a volunteer, finish a really hard jigsaw, research singles holidays for next year etc. Maybe a 12 week plan could get you started. 38 is still young imo. X

Op, I'm sorry, I've been there and it's truly tough - nobody can imagine how hard.
I'm interested that you mention you are seeing some one

'I've been dating someone recently, had 5 dates. On paper he’s great and visually he’s no less attractive than anyone else I’ve dated. He’s also very straightforward and nice. I don’t have that feeling though. I do like him but I’m definitely not falling fast for him in any way at all.'

Why is that? Is he not fun/sexy enough? Or do you think you'd fall for him more if there were some issue/dysfunction? I used to do that.. I decided to stop, and to date the next man I met who was attractive, functional and kind. It worked...

But you are dating someone! He sounds nice. It hasn't been that long, give it some time! I agree the best relationships often start out with a slow burn. As long as you enjoy spending time with him, just keep doing that and don't worry for now where it's headed.

Otherwise I agree with not being so picky about education. Plenty of intelligent people do not have a great education.

I have a PhD, my husband does not have a uni degree, but it never put me off because he's so interesting and clever regardless.

@GeorgiaGirl52

At 30 I gave up on finding "Mr Right" or even "Mr. Okay". I work in a female dominated industry and live in a small town. Decided what I wanted was a family, so set about to adopt. At 32 I had DD1 and at 34 I had DD2. The three of us were a family. Am now almost 70 and still no Mister Right but a fine family with grown children and grandchildren. No regrets.

Fabulous and the best post I've read ever!