How to cope with being deprioritised (as Chris Whitty put it)

[Deprioritised]

I’m a single parent with no extended family and get quite lonely. Have had some unsuccessful relationships including emotionally abusive exH who destroyed my self esteem so trying to stay away from men for now. I do have some lovely friends and invited them over for drinks on Saturday. However they are all cancelling. I totally understand as they have to prioritise Christmas with their families. However it has brought up some really difficult emotions for me and leaves me feeling really rejected and unimportant. I know that’s my issue and I need to find a way to cope with it.

Unfortunately although I have a lot of friends I have no best friend and am often left out of plans. My friends matter to me a lot more than I matter to them. They will prioritise other friends and family over me. That’s entirely their choice but it’s hard having no one who prioritises me and I need to find a way to cope with it. I’m thinking finding a way to accept it as I don’t think I can change anything. Does anyone have any words of wisdom please?

No advice but my sympathy

Hi @Deprioritised I’m not sure I have words of wisdom but I feel the same. Being nobody’s priority is a very lonely place. Christmas makes it worse many times over, as does lockdown/restrictions. I started going to some exercise classes, I’m not sure how feasible that would be for you but it made a difference to me. I had something else to focus on. Another thing would be maybe try and get to know neighbours better? Again I don’t know if that’s possible.

You’re not alone. I’ve lots of friends but I’m nobody’s priority. It’s an awful feeling

No words of wisdom but I do sympathise.

Many of us in the same boat. I have lots of friends but I’m not their first priority, and DC now adult rightly prioritise their own households too.

It’s also true that I prioritise my own interests above anyone else’s and have a lot more freedom than most, I try to make good use of it. Lockdown was a bad time.

Hi op. I would actively look for other single parent friends. Maybe also join some groups - sport, religious, activists, hobbies- whatever you're interested in as there will be get togethers and your passions will unite you further.

No words of wisdom but I just wanted to say that you sound lovely and I would love to have a friend like you. Can you try and focus on your lovely little family for now and then make an effort to make some new friends in the New Year. It’s hard with restrictions but maybe try and get to know your neighbours as a pp suggested or sign up for a new activity. There must be other single mums in the same position.

I really empathise with this, it was the thing I struggled most with in lockdown - everyone in my life has someone who's more important to them than me. I'm single with a lovely family including my amazing daughter and some great friends but when push comes to shove they'd all rather be with someone else. Support bubbles hurt me so much because I had nobody who would be mine.

I do try and see it as freedom and think of all the people stuck with useless husbands or juggling kids and work but it's definitely tough at times.

Thanks for all your kind messages. I do try hard not to have all my eggs in one basket but I don’t think it’s possible to expand my social circle right now. I have limited childfree time and a very stressful job. My DC are great but my oldest who probably has ASD only speaks to me to ask what’s for dinner. My ex makes my life hell and my job is emotionally trying so I invest a lot in seeing friends and having connections with others. Even before covid there are some who would think nothing of cancelling on me or not inviting me to stuff. I know I can’t expect to be included in everything and other people have their own shit going on but I always try and stick to commitments and include everyone. I’ve tried explaining previously just how important seeing friends is to my mental health but I worry they see me as needy or pathetic now.

I’ve often thought in the past if I’m not going to have that special connection with friends maybe I’ll find a man who can be on my team, so to speak, but this has been spectacularly unsuccessful and I’ve lost hope in dating.

I wish I could care less and be more resilient. Maybe when the kids are older I’ll find my person/people. But yes the whole lockdown/ bubble thing really brings it home as to how important you are. 😔

And agree @WoodSageandSeasalt at least I’m not tied to some dreadful husband (any more!)

I think nowadays people are also incredibly flakey (covid aside). DP is appalled at how flakey my friends are. One of them cancelled dinner with me recently because she’d forgotten her and her husband had agreed to do date nights on a Thursday The husband she lives with without any children and who she’d just been on a 2 week holiday with!

I'm another one who is nobody's priority. I will likely spend Christmas alone as my kids will be with their dad.

Also nobody's priority here! It's shit. All the things you normally do to cope as a single parent are being taken away because you're just not that important to anyone. I get irrationally cross at all the stuff in the media and social media about supporting the homeless at Christmas, or the elderly, and I just want to scream "what about me?". I know that's selfish, but I feel so rejected and lonely. Sorry, I don't have any suggestions. But I can't tell you how great it was to read your post and know that I'm not the only one feeling like this. So thank you.

@Sunsetsupernova that’s awful. I can’t imagine cancelling an arrangement I’d made unless I was on my deathbed! However I know others see it very differently and also might have stuff going on I don’t know about. These interactions just matter more to me than they do to them and I have to accept that.

to everyone who is in the same boat. I’m sorry to hear that but I suppose it’s less isolating to know I’m not the only one.

I’m not in the same situation, but I think I recognise the feeling. My solution is to be really busy. I work more than one job, do hobbies, help out with things. Then if my social life is rubbish or everyone else seems to be doing loads more fun things, it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m knackered anyway, I’ve seen different colleagues, other volunteers, basically have a lot going on and am then happy to collapse and have some anti-social downtime. I have dc too, so I know that can be tricky, but worth filling your own time rather than relying on disappointing friendships.

Really feel for you, op. I was single for a long time with no kids or family and everyone has other people more important in their lives. So many people don't even realise how isolating life can be. I used to wonder if I died who would find me, and the only answer would be someone from work.

Did you tell any of your friends you were sorry they had cancelled? I know you don't want company out of pity but you shouldn't be afraid to tell people your feelings.

@dotparker I just said it was a shame but I understand (and I do as the timing for Christmas is at stake). I don’t want to guilt trip anyone. It’s just going to hurt when I see those same friends on Facebook out with others in the coming days. But I can’t change that and I’m trying to accept it rather than feeling hurt to the core every time it happens.

Dear Op,

I really get where you are coming from.

It sounds as if you have a lot of friends but they don’t always treat you with care and consideration.

In my book, a good friend would recognize that cancelling on you will have an impact and will make an effort to reorganize something.

Sadly this often isn’t the case as people with partners/family have no idea that a cancellation can feel like a gut punch.

You also sound like you are taking all the responsibility of managing your difficult emotions when cancellations happen. Feeling hurt and rejected is a valid reaction to thoughtless behaviour. Your friends should bear some responsibility for their actions as well.

You sound busy and l am wondering if you should do a friends audit. Reflect carefully on your relationships and think who leaves you feeling uplifted, supported and valued.

Anyone who drags you down and doesn’t value you gets relegated in your friendship ‘league’. You don’t have to cut them off but you stop putting energy into the relationship. This will free up space in your mind and your life and you can look towards trying to get involved with more groups and activities.

I have found ‘Meet Up’ as a great resource and some things are still being delivered online so possible if you are finding it hard to get childcare.

I tend to be the planner and initiator with my friends. I accept that if l want a life then l have to create it. However if they are resistant to committing to a suggestion or cancel without offering an alternative then l really think carefully before reaching out to them again.

You need to value yourself, your life, your precious energy and the fact that you do have a wonderful friendship to offer to the right people.

xx

Thank you @Whatdirection. That’s really helpful. My friends are just so important to me, even the flakey ones, so I struggle with the idea of withdrawing as sometimes I can have so much fun with them. I have forgiven and moved on from some quite hurtful behaviour because there are lots of positives too. I think they genuinely have no idea how upsetting it can be to be cancelled on because they have other invitations lined up. A couple did say let’s meet in the new year but no idea if it will actually happen.

I went through a time in my life like this some years ago. Slightly different because no corona, but very much on my own in a sea of couples. I got some “pity invites” the first Christmas but the only one I wanted to do was a dog walk and mince pie with a nice lady whose house I cleaned.

I agree re single parent friends but also what was great for me is I teamed up with an older lady who had a rather surly adult daughter and no grandchildren and in that respect she became our adopted grandma, a relationship which we both enjoyed for several years.

I agree with pp, there are too many flaky people around these days, actually flaky is being polite, self obsessed might be more accurate!
I couldn’t leave a friend out or ignore someone who is lonely. I am a stickler for Covid rules and so is Dh as he’s a Dr. We listened carefully to Prof Whitty, but I would prioritise you OP!

I wish you were my friend @MissyB1 😊

Can I just ask please…I see a lot of these threads with people saying join hobby groups. How do you find these groups? If I wanted to meet people interested in Folk Music for example how would I find them?

@wishymore MeetUp is a great place to start. I met my closest group of girlfriends through it. It was literally a group we all joined for girls who wanted friends to go for brunch or shopping with. But there are loads and loads of groups for a huge variety of interests