How to cope with being deprioritised (as Chris Whitty put it)

[Deprioritised]

I’m a single parent with no extended family and get quite lonely. Have had some unsuccessful relationships including emotionally abusive exH who destroyed my self esteem so trying to stay away from men for now. I do have some lovely friends and invited them over for drinks on Saturday. However they are all cancelling. I totally understand as they have to prioritise Christmas with their families. However it has brought up some really difficult emotions for me and leaves me feeling really rejected and unimportant. I know that’s my issue and I need to find a way to cope with it.

Unfortunately although I have a lot of friends I have no best friend and am often left out of plans. My friends matter to me a lot more than I matter to them. They will prioritise other friends and family over me. That’s entirely their choice but it’s hard having no one who prioritises me and I need to find a way to cope with it. I’m thinking finding a way to accept it as I don’t think I can change anything. Does anyone have any words of wisdom please?

I looked at Meetup lots of times pre covid but in my area everything is on days I’m at work on when I have the kids. Definitely an option for when they are a little older though. 😊

OP is there a Bumble friendship section? I know exactly what you mean. I'm no ones priority and it's horrible. I haven't been invited to any Christmas 'fun' dinners etc and other than secret santa I rarely get a present. I look forward to time off work and watching films.

The thing I've found that helps is working more, I'm full time now so I have a routine and independence. If no one wants to go to the cinema I go on my own and eat all the popcorn!

OP, just to say I recognise this so well.

My situation has now changed (DH and small DD) but in my 20s I had no family and spent Christmases and other holidays alone, curtains shut and kind of feeling ashamed of it. Younger peer group also meant no one really noticed or cared. It was a hard time and what I came to say is that it’s totally valid to feel how you do, and to feel upset about cancellations too. Second advice above to stop investing energy in people who do this.

Locally to me, I know of mums using Mush and Peanut apps to connect with other mums. Not sure if that’s active where you are.

Thinking back to my younger self, and appreciate this may not work for you, what I would do now while searching for stuff to to join, would be to sign myself up with a monthly subscription box of either chocolate or pamper stuff or a book, or whatever you like. There are sometimes threads about which boxes are good. I know it’s not the same as socialising, but there is that element of novelty. Also how about using that time to give back, if you’re up to it? Letters to care homes or writers in prison (PEN) or something like that? There also used to be a thing called Postcrossing (exchanging postcards with - sane - strangers), again element of novelty and I enjoyed it for the few months I did it years ago.

Ultimately I do get that it’s isolating and lonely and I’m really sorry things are that way.

Thanks @OneForTh I’d forgotten there was a bumble friendship site. I might take a look. I made sure I’ll get a present by giving my dd some cash to go to Asda!

Thanks also @MumblesAndMutters. I’ve checked out Mush before, not much locally but never heard of Peanut.

I’m sorry to everyone who had or is having a tough time. I wish we all knew each other and could offer friendship and support

I wonder if some of your friends are reducing ALL their contacts before Xmas day rather the just deprioritising you? Some people might be really scared to bring Covid to their family members, some might have health issues or be pregnant. So I wouldn’t take their cancellations so personally, it’s a tricky time.

Is it possible to just give them a ring/facetime on Saturday? One if my best pals is hundreds of miles away and have kept up the regular zooms with wine.

I get it, OP. I am a single parent too, and sometimes it can be really lonely. The pandemic has been so hard as it has - at times - taken away most of the human connections that make me happy, especially seeing friends and colleagues at work.

I don't know about you, but I find sometimes as a single parent I am not very good at asking for what I need because I am so used to coping and being independent. During the lockdowns I had to push myself to ask friends whether we could have a chat on the phone. It felt awkward as nobody really talks on the phone anymore, but it really did make a difference. I used to go for a walk and chat while I was walking - so it was a bit like we were on a walk together. I also forced myself to open up to people a bit more and not always pretend that everything was fine. That helped too.

I think the thing I struggle with is I have been very open about needing social contact for my well-being. I don’t know what else I can do to help myself. I can’t change how others behave and their priorities (and I don’t think they are being unreasonable not to prioritise me), I can only try to find a way to cope with it.

Very depressed to hear about the proposed circuit breaker. I’m working until Christmas then finally had some fun stuff with the kids and friends planned the following week. Looks like I won’t even have that to look forward to now. 😥

OP this just popped up in ‘active’, about buying oneself surprise presents. I know it’s a bit off-topic but here it is anyway:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/Christmas/4429419-Surprise-gifts-for-yourself

Potential Christmas lockdown, yes 🥲 Could it also be an opportunity to video chat more if everyone is stuck at home, maybe?

I have a very similar experience OP, I've got a thread in relationships atm. I have a DP but like you, flakey friends to the point of feeling so hurt I'm not sure if I want them in my life anymore. Definitely need some more anyway. I've had mh issues recently but tbh they were crap before then. It hurts when you've put effort and thought into friendships and it doesn't come back. Sorry I don't have any advice but just to say you're not alone in it.

Whitty had no business telling people that family is more important than friends.

@wishymore

Can I just ask please…I see a lot of these threads with people saying join hobby groups. How do you find these groups? If I wanted to meet people interested in Folk Music for example how would I find them?

Meetup, Facebook, flyers in the library. Easier in a big city. However, quite a few of these groups attract people who do the activity and then go home. You need to find something with a strong social element and even then it's possible that the social drinks never convert into real friendships. You also need to find a group with a lot of singles or you'll just get people rushing home because someone's cooked their tea.

@OneForTh

OP is there a Bumble friendship section? I know exactly what you mean. I'm no ones priority and it's horrible. I haven't been invited to any Christmas 'fun' dinners etc and other than secret santa I rarely get a present. I look forward to time off work and watching films.

The thing I've found that helps is working more, I'm full time now so I have a routine and independence. If no one wants to go to the cinema I go on my own and eat all the popcorn!

I've considered Bumble's friendship section, but I presume it's for one-to-one meetings, which I don't like. Is it possible to meet in small groups from there?

I'm in the same boat. I was widowed this year, friends have been great, keeping in touch and making sure I have lots of invitations, but they're not prioritising me over their families, naturally.

I have one single male friend that I've spent so much time with people are assuming we must be sleeping together, which is quite insulting in itself only months after DH's death, but I honestly don't know what I'd do without him.

The group of 6 thing was awful for me, really cruel. I have a couple of friendship groups of 8-12 people and I was never included.

That's really difficult for you. I have no extended family (have DH) and yep my friendships are more important to me than vice versa.

I try to be mindful of others checking in on them because I know how easy it is to be lonely.

It's incredibly painful to have it thrust in your face that you aren't important enough

I hope this is not patronising advice, I know it doesn't replace real life meets but I heard on the radio this morning that Sarah Millican does this #join in thing on twitter for people on their own, it might be worth a look. I do apologise in advance if it is no help at all. You sound really lovely and I hope you can find someone who prioritises you, I do find these periods come and go, when you're in one it feels never ending but a simple shift in people who you prioritise can perhaps shift it for you too.

@dotparker

Really feel for you, op. I was single for a long time with no kids or family and everyone has other people more important in their lives. So many people don't even realise how isolating life can be. I used to wonder if I died who would find me, and the only answer would be someone from work.

I was and am single still, however I know have a child so he is my priority now. I also relate to how everyone else that I know also seems to have other people more important in their lives.

Last year, and I appreciate it was the pandemic etc but having spent Xmas eve/Xmas day/Boxing day/NYE/NY day alone and isolated, was just awful. Nobody else that I know was in this situation. Before the pandemic, I also used to wonder if I died who would find me, and the only answer would be someone from work.

Oh that sounds very difficult.

We have cut right down on any activities too. DH was weighing up whether to go to his office meal - 5 of them went and 9 cancelled...

DD and I are going to church tonight and then we are only seeing some friends in the park.

Would anyone at least meet for a coffee and a walk??

You see that’s the thing.

If you cancel but offer an alternative outdoor walk and coffee OR a meet up on Zoom you are recognizing the need for social contact.

Which means the person on the other end doesn’t feel so isolated and abandoned.

Makes all the difference.

Thanks for all the responses. I had a nice time with the kids at the weekend so am feeling less despondent. And have had a very kind offer from a friend to go round there on Christmas Eve. I can’t actually manage it but it really cheered me up to have the offer.

oh Op, that is really shit for you. We know why they are doing it, but when you are nobodies number one it really sucks.

I haven’t any words of wisdom but completely resonate with what you say and sympathise, it’s rubbish.

I’m in a different situation to you, married with dc, but from a friend perspective have never been a priority for anyone, despite having quire a few friends.

The pandemic really rammed this home to me, especially with rule of 2, rule of 6 etc and it’s a horrible feeling.

A few times I’ve tried to organise meet ups with friends myself (most of the time I wait to be invited) but it has always ended up being a disaster, with people pulling out, sometimes at the last minute, so my confidence is too low to do that now!

Once in particular, I’d taken the day off work and arranged to do something with 4 friends and our dcs. I find organising things stressful and my friends are much more competent and happy with it. (I am always happy to fall in with their plans as am fairly chilled). Anyway, this time I had organised it and the dc were really excited. They all pulled out, some the day before. It was such an awful feeling I swore I would never invite someone anywhere again to protect myself from feeling like that again. And I haven’t since, which is sad.

Does it help to realise that many of them will be following an obligation rather than a preference? They may well have far preferred to party with you, but are obliged to visit family instead.

Before the pandemic, I also used to wonder if I died who would find me, and the only answer would be someone from work.

I said that to a colleague recently, and he said, "God, that's dark!" But I think it's just realistic. Lockdown really emphasised how some of us just aren't top of anyone else's priority list.

I'd start with Google if I were looking for hobby groups with a particular focus, be it music or sport or a craft or whatever, but your local library should also have information on that sort of thing. It's not a guaranteed way of making lifelong friends, (I think I'm a bit crap socially, and possibly too self-sufficient, having spent so much of my life sorting everything out on my own,) but even if you don't find lifelong friends, it can fill your time with something fun.