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Relationships

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Original poster

Age gaps.......I know the answer but

98 replies

Blushingm · 16/12/2021 00:53

Please tell me 18 years is too much of an age gap!

I wish it wasn't but I think it is. I really like him but I really think he's too young

OP posts:

over2021 · 16/12/2021 05:54

Way too close to your DD's age.

Plus, 25 and 6 months out of a marriage he's going to be looking to sow his oats; not relationship material!

hazelgrey · 16/12/2021 06:17

Oh do what makes you happy , keep your wits about you and have some fun

If it fizzles out - so what ?
If it brings you both some good times , nice memories , what's the harm ?

I'd just be checking a few things
Are my kids comfortable with it ?
Am I going to cope with the " is that your son" situations
Am I a jealous person ( his SM could be full of gorgeous young things ) will it turn me into some kind of monster 😊
And do I still need contraception ( can still happen ! )

Chunkymenrock · 16/12/2021 06:20

OP, 2 consenting adults enjoy each other's company and are attracted to each other. Take it a day at a time and stop worrying. I think age is largely irrelevant and nobody's business anyway. Sounds fab!

GoodnightGrandma · 16/12/2021 06:21

If it’s looking like a long term relationship I’d say no.
DH is 10 years older than me, and the older we get, the bigger that gap seems.

WoodenReindeer · 16/12/2021 06:22

Wow no. Your daughter could be dating his friends...

SilverPeacock · 16/12/2021 06:39

I would normally say it is too much of a gap for a long term relationship as you will notice immaturities that will probably start to grate. There also may be a power imbalance.

On the other and there were 17 years between my grandparents and they were happily married for 40 odd years. Although gf was very fit and looked much younger than he was.

loislovesstewie · 16/12/2021 06:42

I wouldn't because it would feel like dating my son.

LivingLegend · 16/12/2021 06:47

From where I am standing 43 is still young!! It really really is!! I doubt a man would even hesitate at this age gap. If you are good together please feel free to travel along this potentially happy road. It may not be forever, who knows, but then few things are. Don’t listen to society’s prejudice about older women and younger men. 9/10 it is just jealousy.

Pinkcurtwinsinthebin · 16/12/2021 06:51

I’m 56 he’s 73. Met 20 years ago, both had finished having children. Our life together has been wonderful and still is. We’ve both had/have cancer. I just knew he was The One, I’d spent ten years in crap relationships.

My mum tried to split us up at the beginning as he’s only 8 years younger than her, but all my family love him now. Our kids get on fabulously too. For me it was never about age it was the fact we just clicked from day one.

Ansjovis · 16/12/2021 07:20

It would have to be a no from me. This guy is closer in age to your eldest than to you which would put me off straight away. You're also old enough to be his mother which would be very difficult for me to look past in your shoes. Of course there are lots of people here citing examples where it can work and you are both adults, that's just how I'd feel in that situation.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 16/12/2021 07:33

Theres 12 years between me and DP, im 38 and hes just turned 50. Weve been together 10yrs and have 3 children together.

HollowTalk · 16/12/2021 07:36

People who have a big age gap should check the older partner's pension provision. I was listening to Money Box on R4 which said if there was a bigger than 10 year age gap then the pension left to the surviving spouse was much lower. I don't think all pension schemes run like that but enough do that it's worth checking out.

BarbedButterfly · 16/12/2021 09:01

We have a slightly lower age gap and are very happy. However there is always the awareness that even if I live to a good age, he will outlive me and no guarantees what my health will be like. I suppose another advantage is that I look a lot younger than I am, as do the women in my family and so we have never dealt with any comments.

My mum is also in an age gap relationship and is also happy.

It wasn't something I was looking for but providing everyone is consenting adults, life is too short not to find whatever happiness we can.

BarbedButterfly · 16/12/2021 09:02

Oh and also neither of us ever wanted children so that wasn't an issue

MMmomDD · 16/12/2021 09:07

Have a fling. Why not. In fact - I think it’s great to feel wanted and desired by younger men, especially as we age. Does wonders for self esteem.

But as a grown up, surely you understand there is no long term future.
Your ages make it Ok as there is time for him to have a fling, and then he can still later move on and meet some one ti have kids with. You are at different stages in life, but not incompatible right now.

He isn’t yet in the kids/settling down phase.
You are past that stage - as in not looking for a man to have your babies with.
So - why not.

As long as you aren’t dreaming about some future where a 40yo him is still with you at 58. Just because it happens with a few celebrities - doesn’t mean it works for us mere mortals.
And it wouldn’t be fair for you to want him to give up on life with a partner he can share life experiences with that you have already had with someone else.

GemmaRuby · 16/12/2021 09:13

Have you met his friends? Would you feel comfortable hanging out with a bunch of 25 year olds?

For me the life stages are just too different - depends what you want from it really I suppose.

Burnedbeyondbelief · 16/12/2021 09:16

I say life’s too short and if you are happy then go for it! If it was the other way round and a 43 year old man was dating a woman in her twenties people wouldn’t even blink an eye

SunflowerTed · 16/12/2021 09:32

Would you want your 25 year old to be with a 43 year old????

StarlightLady · 16/12/2021 09:36

OP, l am similar age to you. Enjoy (and really enjoy!) it while it lasts. Have fun, keep control of your emotions and don’t expect it to be forever.

If you can really do that, you’ll be fine. Otherwise you may want to have a rethink.

YRGAM · 16/12/2021 09:41

Just do it - who cares?

5128gap · 16/12/2021 10:05

@LHReturns

I ask because it would be unfair on him if you were in a rush to have children. He won’t be thinking about that yet so he can crack on. I would enjoy it. But I understand it could get serious and thus confusing for both. I would love the fling but i think over time I would feel to old for him (rather than him being too young for me).

I think there can be a merging of the ages which can go either way. Either the younger party becomes more mature in outlook and activities (old before their time to some extent) or the older partner gets a second wind. I think the second is more likely to succeed, as there's no sense of the younger one missing out, and the older gets a second go round. How long its possible to sustain that for the older one though, and what happens then, I don't know.

Od130990 · 16/12/2021 10:22

12 years between me & my DP he was 24 & we met days before my 36th b/day! Been together nearly 5 years. He gets on great with my Dc & has a fantastic relationship with my ds who's father wasn't around. Go for it! Some men really do know what they want at that age. If he's already been married & divorced by 25 & is still sure he doesn't want kids than what's the problem. He's not a little boy & clearly has life experience; don't let others make you feel the need to pass up what could potentially be your life partner.

HeartsAndClubs · 16/12/2021 10:30

I would lose all respect for my parent if they brought home someone who was young enough to be my sibling. Especially as a teenager.

I would be embarrassed to bring my friends home, to be seen out with them. In fact I would probably have introduced them as an older cousin to avoid embarrassment.

If there’s no-one else involved then well crack on. But with the age gap between him and your kids and the fact he’s young enough to be one of them it’s just grim.

5128gap · 16/12/2021 11:57

@HeartsAndClubs

I would lose all respect for my parent if they brought home someone who was young enough to be my sibling. Especially as a teenager.

I would be embarrassed to bring my friends home, to be seen out with them. In fact I would probably have introduced them as an older cousin to avoid embarrassment.

If there’s no-one else involved then well crack on. But with the age gap between him and your kids and the fact he’s young enough to be one of them it’s just grim.

Really? My children base their respect on the integrity and decency of the person, not on the age of their partner. Hopefully OPs children will have the intelligence to understand that that's what matters. And the self confidence not to be embarrassed just because some small minded people may think it's 'grim'. Whatever that even means.

FrappuccinoLight · 16/12/2021 13:26

Sadly society still raises eyebrows at older woman and younger man but. It’ definitely feels more acceptable if the man is older. Not fair but very true.

And an older man/younger woman scenario doesn’t bring with it the biological issues of potential babies.

How would your daughter feel, will this situation embarrass her? Again, this feels unfair but it’s a consideration..It’s not just you to think about when weighing up what to do if you have children whatever their ages..

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