Help please, dh has anxiety

[PeaceandJoy]

(Am I being horrible to DH)

Me and DH have only been married a year and he's recently moved out because I had enough of our arguing.

He says he desperately misses me and will get help. He rang our local MH support and did their assessment over the phone. After the assessment we spoke and he said that since we've been living together it's been exhausting for him masking his anxiety and not really realising that he does it. He has a son (8) and a lot of his anxiety is based around him and unfortunately his anxiety has passed on to his son. He is starting a CBT group in January and has also said he will do a parenting class as he feels bad about what he's done to his son.

I really do love my husband but all I can think now is that I don't want to be controlled by his anxiety for the rest of my life! CBT is a load of rubbish imo. My husband has childhood trauma from both his parents and until he can get to the root of that, CBT will be a temporary sticking plaster. I also dislike CBT as I have found in my professional experience that it shames you for your thoughts, DH doesn't need to shame himself anymore, he already feels absolutely ashamed of his behaviour towards me and his son and I think further shaming will be counterproductive.

He has been controlling me for a while - I don't mean abusive controlling where he checks my phone, stops me seeing friends ect, I mean controlling in a way where he needs things done a certain way. I have never given in to his ways, I have always asked for compromise and for us to make our own ways to go about things together. This is where a lot of our arguments have come from. He also gets a voice in his head telling him to keep checking his son to make sure he's breathing as he believes if he doesn't check then his son will die. Masking this has been especially problematic for DH. He has anxieties around me too, if I don't answer my phone he thinks I've died. I've got a very busy job so can't always answer my phone and forget quite often to ring back until I'm on my way home. This has been really stressing him out as he's never wanted to say anything before because he realises it sounds controlling and doesn't want me to think of him like that.

I feel very sorry for him as it sounds exhausting to live with. I'm quite a (wanky) free spirit and my only anxiety is around people with stomach bugs as I hate sick. But I'm not an emetaphobe, I just get more obsessed around staying away from people who are sick then most. I talk loudly, I'm very chatty, I don't care about talking loudly if my windows are open and its a personal subject as I genuinely don't think any of my neighbours would decide to hang around my (detached) house listening to me. Dh gets anxiety around that, I literally just don't get it.

I am not prepared to live with always thinking about dhs anxieties. It was making me so miserable before he left and I don't want to be miserable anymore. I believed for months that I was the problem when I wasn't, it was his MH. But I don't want to give up on him either. I want my marriage to work. I love him so much, I'm very happy he's getting help but realistically CBT isn't going to be a quick fix and I cant be happy with the way he is. I then feel guilty as I married him in sickness and health. We've agreed to live apart for a year and he's going to work on himself and I'm also going to work on me. I felt like I lost myself in this last year so I'm going to be filling my life with happiness and joy again.

Am I being horrible feeling like CBT won't work. What do I need to do to support DH more. I'm going to be totally honest, people with anxiety can really annoy me, I hate being controlled by anyone and control and anxiety go hand in hand. If anyone has anxiety I'm sorry if I've offended you, I'm sure its very difficult to live with.

Has he ever sought help with this before? It sounds like a deeply entrenched issue

No he's never recognised that he's the problem before. I think its the first time in his life he's taken real accountability in a relationship.

Did you not see any of this before you married?

You've only been married a year. Surely you must have known what he was like before you married him- people don't mask THAT well.
Have you ever thought that you have basically enabled his anxiety by doing things in certain ways and this has allowed it to become more entrenched?
How must he feel knowing how he annoys you?
The guys living in his own hell with no way out!
Now the honeymoon is over it sounds like you've grown a bit sick of it all and didn't know it was going to be this hard but you can't just throw someone away if life isn't going your way.
Ime you should be working together not working separately. You are a partnership and he needs you now more than ever. Yes, it's bloody tough but you need to be there in the thick of it learning how you can support your husband.
How do you think he feels waving you off to invite happinesses and joy into your life whilst he's alone and rock bottom?
And in no way must he be made to feel guilt about any of this. This is not his fault.
I personally think CBT is the way forward.
What other support does he have?!

I agree about CBT to an extent, not that it’s shaming but that it just helps to fix things temporarily, it gives you coping strategies That’s not necessarily a bad thing and some cbt can be useful as a first step to see he can manage his anxiety somewhat and not always be controlled by it, and control others.

Therapy can be accessed as well

You actually sound so different and you don't sound like the kind of person that would bring any positivity to his life .

He also gets a voice in his head telling him to keep checking his son to make sure he's breathing as he believes if he doesn't check then his son will die.

''Do X or you will cause bad outcome Y'' is not anxiety, its OCD. OCD needs specific therapy and meds. The first med they try is usually an anti depressant, and unfortunately one side effect can be intense anxiety for the first few weeks of taking it. He may need extra support for himself and with looking after his child, possibly for several months.
If he has treatment (and imo he should), you need to think carefully about whether or not you are able to do that.

Tbh I'm very cross with him. For the last year (we didn't live together before we got married) he's twisted everything round and I believed I was going mad. He's shouted and screamed at me on multiple occasions and projected some really horrible things on me. I've cried so many times and I just couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. I have been begging him to get help since April and it's only now, when I just couldn't do it anymore, that he's done something about it.

So yeah my tone probably isn't the best as I'm still processing that all he said about me - I'm crazy ect, was actually his projection about himself.

But, I really do love him. His anger is a huge defense mechanism and also his fight ot flight mode is fight, even when there's nothing to fight. His anxiety has kept him in survival mode and always ready to fight. I can see his hurt inner child underneath it all and I really did not want to kick him out. I was completely heartbroken but it came after two days of him shouting at me and I had to save myself and my own sanity.

I'm really happy he's gone to get help. I'm so happy he's admitted to himself that he's got a problem. I do not want to give up on him. I just feel quite negative about CBT and I'm not sure him doing a few months of that is really going to help.

So my thread really is A I'm trying to process this and B how can I support him and keep myself sane. This is not being selfish, I can't quite explain the utter miserableness I've been living in.

@Thelnebriati I said that to him but the assessor on the phone told him it's general anxiety and his thoughts are common to other people with anxiety.

You aren't being selfish.
IMO 6 weeks of CBT isnt going to touch his issues, he needs deeper long term therapy and medical support. Its possible he told you he's having CBT to try to get you back together.
The ODC is worrying, left untreated it can get worse very quickly.

@Thelnebriati exactly. It sounds like he was really honest on the phone so I'm not sure why they would even think CBT was appropriate.

I think it's partly to do with getting me back but I genuinely believe he's had a wake up call with me leaving and with seeing what he's done to his son. His anxiety with parenting has really hindered his sons development and not created a confident secure boy.

I know it's his childhood trauma. Neither of his parents were great and his mum kicked him out when he was 6 to go and live with his abusive and alcoholic dad. He then went between them most of his life. He doesn't feel safe. I think he did feel safe with me before we were married but then getting married triggered even more anxiety in him (he was so worried about his son and felt that getting married would make his son feel rejected but instead of talking about that he would find things that I was doing to be wrong).

I do really feel for him. He's completely heartbroken that we're not living together anymore and deeply loves me. I also deeply love him but I'm really stuck on whether I should be doing more to support him right now or if we should have some space to work on ourselves.

It s his MH and for him to find what works for him
If you dismiss cbt to him won't help...
Childhood trauma? Maybe needs intense psychotherapy
Maybe he needs meds

I agree anxiety/controlling having an overlap I e by controlling something it somehow is a way to try and stave the anxiety, but yes v difficult to live with extreme anxiety
At least he is seeking help

Do you have funds for private therapy?

He can afford private therapy and has said he will do that if the CBT doesn't work which it won't

I think he needs EDMR therapy once he let's himself get to the root of his issues. He mostly blames himself for his mum and dads behaviour towards him. I think once he understands that it wasn't his fault EDMR will help.

But most people who have anxiety do live with it for life. I 100% believe that we can fix our brains and develop different responses to situations but I believe that takes a lot of work and courage.

@Thelnebriati

He also gets a voice in his head telling him to keep checking his son to make sure he's breathing as he believes if he doesn't check then his son will die.

''Do X or you will cause bad outcome Y'' is not anxiety, its OCD. OCD needs specific therapy and meds. The first med they try is usually an anti depressant, and unfortunately one side effect can be intense anxiety for the first few weeks of taking it. He may need extra support for himself and with looking after his child, possibly for several months.
If he has treatment (and imo he should), you need to think carefully about whether or not you are able to do that.

I know what the assessor said but I have to agree this sounds like ocd (I’m not trying to parade as a qualified expert) but being a sufferer from it. I bet if you/he think about it you’ll uncover several “rituals” he’ll be performing to “avoid something bad happening”. It’s utterly exhausting and even though I recognise it for what it is, I’m still stuck in the cycle. I do agree with you though, cbt won’t be a cure all for any of what he’s going through, maybe try and view it as a gateway to the help he needs. I can appreciate it is incredibly difficult living with someone with these mh issues especially when they don’t acknowledge they suffer from them but sounds like you’re both on the right path now, it won’t be a pleasant journey to begin with but it sounds like you love each other enough to give it a good shot. He’ll probably be feeling very scared (having anxiety and the fears is a bad combination) so if you can be a bit gentle (not saying accept any verbal abuse) it will help you both. Good luck.

I had an intense course of CBT which was 12 weeks long (so double what you usually get) so it is possible to have a longer, more intense course but I'm not sure if CBT is for him.

Hi I live this exact life (almost). It was hell for a year and now its great. Here is what worked for us:

1. Figure out what you need and seek it from someone other than your Husband. E.g. find a friend to be a free spirit with. Sure it would be better to experience this together but its not possible right now.

1. Trauma induced anxiety of the kind your describe will take an extremely long time to fix. Take some time to figure out what you need to stay for the ride and discuss it with your partner.

1. Accept that, because of his anxiety he will experience distress from your normal behaviour. However, also understand that its likely this will pass over time.

1. As you say yourself, encourage him to seek professional help from a highly experienced therapist. You may also look into Complex PTSD (different to regular old PTSD).

Thank you for sharing @Phoenix76 I expect it is utterly exhausting for you. He's asked me to gently point out when he's doing things like checking his sons breathing when he's asleep countless times but he's so quick to get defensive I just don't think that will work. Does someone pointing out to you what you're doing isn't rational any help to you? What does help you?

OP, my daughter has OCD and now she accepts the diagnosis, it is helpful to a point to tell her it's just the OCD talking, and it's not real.

Having tried therapies and failed several times, I would say medication is much more effective. It's very hard to rationalise with OCD. Sertraline has been helpful here.

Another armchair psychiatrist coming on, this time to disagree with the idea that it's automatically OCD because he's a bit neurotic about checking things like his son's breathing. That can definitely be an anxiety thing. Anxiety is essentially supposed to be preventative- lots of sufferers subconsciously believe that by worrying about something you can stop it happening. This can extend to actions, but isn't automatically OCD.

Also to mention that your DH really cannot help what he's doing, no matter how maddening it seems. I understand your frustration though, it's difficult to live with.

You also likely have carers fatigue and are running on empty when it comes to emotional resources. Nobody can shame you for that and you shouldn't shame yourself for it either. Being the one holding everything together, even temporarily, is utterly exhausting and draining. It's so, so tough. People will be along with better advice but I just wanted to remind you that carers fatigue is real and valid

@PeaceandJoy

Thank you for sharing *@Phoenix76* I expect it is utterly exhausting for you. He's asked me to gently point out when he's doing things like checking his sons breathing when he's asleep countless times but he's so quick to get defensive I just don't think that will work. Does someone pointing out to you what you're doing isn't rational any help to you? What does help you?

Happy to share especially as I think a big problem is people still don’t talk about this enough and it’s brushed away as shameful and embarrassing (which it feels like). My lovely dp very gently reminds me that it’s the ocd talking and me checking isn’t going to affect anything. There are also things I “have” to do that no-one would spot. I most definitely got this from my mum so your dh’s dc will pick up on it if he’s not careful, that fact has helped me a great deal with controlling it as I absolutely don’t want my dds to go through this. I get on my own tits with it, never mind how anyone else would feel about it 😆. The funny thing is, I always thought ocd was obsessive cleaning/tidying but that’s not it for a lot of people, for me it’s the “itchy” things that I have to do drives me crazy. Mostly, I’m able to “have a word” with myself but if my dp catches it, he’ll just gently help me get some perspective, even a well intentioned joke helps me (your dh may not feel ready for that yet).

@ThirdElephant

Another armchair psychiatrist coming on, this time to disagree with the idea that it's automatically OCD because he's a bit neurotic about checking things like his son's breathing. That can definitely be an anxiety thing. Anxiety is essentially supposed to be preventative- lots of sufferers subconsciously believe that by worrying about something you can stop it happening. This can extend to actions, but isn't automatically OCD.

I absolutely agree with this, but if op’s dh is anything like me, the checking breathing thing isn’t the only thing he’ll be doing, I have many other “things” that I acknowledge are completely batshit and wouldn’t dare tell anyone but no-one would know I’m doing it, I’m just offering it up as a possibility purely based on my own experience with it and also diagnosed with anxiety alongside it. Even now, posting “under cover” about it, I feel embarrassed.

I feel sorry for him but I feel sorry for you too. I think you should take advantage of him leaving and end the relationship. He needs to get help and I don't think he'll get any better if he's living with you. I think your life will be awful if you continue living with him.