Help please, dh has anxiety

[PeaceandJoy]

(Am I being horrible to DH)

Me and DH have only been married a year and he's recently moved out because I had enough of our arguing.

He says he desperately misses me and will get help. He rang our local MH support and did their assessment over the phone. After the assessment we spoke and he said that since we've been living together it's been exhausting for him masking his anxiety and not really realising that he does it. He has a son (8) and a lot of his anxiety is based around him and unfortunately his anxiety has passed on to his son. He is starting a CBT group in January and has also said he will do a parenting class as he feels bad about what he's done to his son.

I really do love my husband but all I can think now is that I don't want to be controlled by his anxiety for the rest of my life! CBT is a load of rubbish imo. My husband has childhood trauma from both his parents and until he can get to the root of that, CBT will be a temporary sticking plaster. I also dislike CBT as I have found in my professional experience that it shames you for your thoughts, DH doesn't need to shame himself anymore, he already feels absolutely ashamed of his behaviour towards me and his son and I think further shaming will be counterproductive.

He has been controlling me for a while - I don't mean abusive controlling where he checks my phone, stops me seeing friends ect, I mean controlling in a way where he needs things done a certain way. I have never given in to his ways, I have always asked for compromise and for us to make our own ways to go about things together. This is where a lot of our arguments have come from. He also gets a voice in his head telling him to keep checking his son to make sure he's breathing as he believes if he doesn't check then his son will die. Masking this has been especially problematic for DH. He has anxieties around me too, if I don't answer my phone he thinks I've died. I've got a very busy job so can't always answer my phone and forget quite often to ring back until I'm on my way home. This has been really stressing him out as he's never wanted to say anything before because he realises it sounds controlling and doesn't want me to think of him like that.

I feel very sorry for him as it sounds exhausting to live with. I'm quite a (wanky) free spirit and my only anxiety is around people with stomach bugs as I hate sick. But I'm not an emetaphobe, I just get more obsessed around staying away from people who are sick then most. I talk loudly, I'm very chatty, I don't care about talking loudly if my windows are open and its a personal subject as I genuinely don't think any of my neighbours would decide to hang around my (detached) house listening to me. Dh gets anxiety around that, I literally just don't get it.

I am not prepared to live with always thinking about dhs anxieties. It was making me so miserable before he left and I don't want to be miserable anymore. I believed for months that I was the problem when I wasn't, it was his MH. But I don't want to give up on him either. I want my marriage to work. I love him so much, I'm very happy he's getting help but realistically CBT isn't going to be a quick fix and I cant be happy with the way he is. I then feel guilty as I married him in sickness and health. We've agreed to live apart for a year and he's going to work on himself and I'm also going to work on me. I felt like I lost myself in this last year so I'm going to be filling my life with happiness and joy again.

Am I being horrible feeling like CBT won't work. What do I need to do to support DH more. I'm going to be totally honest, people with anxiety can really annoy me, I hate being controlled by anyone and control and anxiety go hand in hand. If anyone has anxiety I'm sorry if I've offended you, I'm sure its very difficult to live with.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers he says when he spoke to the assessor about different therapies he was advised to do one at a time. He was also offered anger management but decided his anxiety was worse and that if he gets that under control his anger will be easier to manage.

I'm worried that he's been given the wrong advice or he's thinking CBT will fix me and I don't need to delve deep to sort my shit.

@PeaceandJoy
Im gonna sign off this thread now. Best of luck.

Going through a similar thing but I'm the one that's left.

Like you, my H is now having counselling but only because I've left him - that speaks volumes.

He had an extremely traumatic childhood and the trauma continued into adult life.

He has controlled and emotionally abused me. He has anxiety.

I don't believe for a second my H will change - even with therapy. He is putting his behaviour down to the anxiety he has now that I left him.

When things were bad working up to me leaving, he blamed that on his anxiety and stress at work.

A lot of people suffer with mental health issues and they don't control their partner/children in the process.

Just to add - I've had cbt therapy in the past. I found it useful and positive but 100% it will not work for situations for your H. He needs much deeper therapy than that.

CBT is good to have when you have anxiety, there's no denying it but it's not enough for my H or yours.

Good luck op - I'm sorry you've had some crappy responses on here. You've been on the receiving end of HIS emotional rollercoaster - you need to be able to get off and breath. There's only so much you can take when his behaviour puts you on a downwards spiral. Everyone has a limit and you're only human too.

Take care xx

Hi @PeaceandJoy

Can you tell us what help you are looking for other than the suggestions provided?

@beenthereboughtthetshirt yes good question!

1 - I feel I need some space to process, dh feels he needs more of me right now. Whats a happy compromise? (That's not me being selfish that's me understanding myself and not putting us both in a situation where I'm reacting to how upset I am and making him feel worse)

2 - I don't know where the line is for being supportive and still being me. I often feel blindsided where I'm just being me and bam, he's anxious and upset. I can't live thinking about his reaction to me doing normal things. Or I can but I'm going to feel miserable.

@ThirdElephant

Women are not rehab centres for men.

Amen to that. Ultimately, it sounds like this will be a very long fix and you shouldn't have to spend the intervening years being treated badly. Ultimately, use the aeroplane analogy- put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to assist others.

OP

Sorry to quote but I couldn’t have said it better.

Don’t let yourself be abused anymore.

And my feelings keep flipping.

Right now I don't want to be with him. I think he's incapable of change and I'll always be miserable. But last night all I felt was love. I need to make a decision as it's unfair on both of us. I feel if I had the space I'd be able to.

How soon can he get some medication to try?

The right medicine will stop those thoughts and calm anxiety.

CBT and other therapies are helpful but doing the therapy without medication would be like trying to study for an important exam outside on a footpath of a very busy city.

When you have certain types of anxiety, OCD, your brain feels like a rush hour traffic than never shuts off.

He hasn't been offered medication. He rang his GP before the NHS assessment for talking therapies. His GP surgery hasn't been very helpful.

He describes his head exactly like rush hour traffic.

I thought he might describe it like that.
It's horrible.

It sounds like he'll have to be really persistent with his GP.
If you can pay out of pocket he can find an online GP to prescribe them for him.

I can't express the difference it made once I got the right meds.
Life changing.

OP, it might be worth him paying to see a psychiatrist if he can. This is what we did.

FWIW, my DD has the same checking compulsion around whether I'm still alive/breathing etc. She used to call me up and get distressed if I didn't answer.

She now has OCD diagnosis and is on SSRIs which have helped enormously. I do very much think of it as a brain glitch. CBT was hopeless. He might get more out of ERP therapy.

Here's a list of OCD behaviours which was much broader than I originally thought. You have to open each section on this page.

You could ask him if he does any of these and then he could show to doctor.

www.ocduk.org/ocd/types/

1 - I feel I need some space to process, dh feels he needs more of me right now. Whats a happy compromise? (That's not me being selfish that's me understanding myself and not putting us both in a situation where I'm reacting to how upset I am and making him feel worse) you definitely would get space to process if you rang Samaritans or MIND. You say CBT is not for you then fine but you do need space to process - you cannot be wife and therapist to DH at the same time.
I did this to my ex and it is counterproductive to the issues and to you as individuals and to you as a couple. In the end my ex had counselling in private and I am so glad for his sake that he did. OP you are not Wonderwoman you are human

2 - I don't know where the line is for being supportive and still being me. You need space and time. Even in counselling there is a 1 hour max appointment so that you learn boundaries otherwise it would spill over into every day life. It is helpful to be able to manage your feelings. You may find it useful to bullet point some feelings/issues prior to counselling so that you address all your needs without meandering
I often feel blindsided where I'm just being me and bam, he's anxious and upset You see you are human and so is he. I can't live thinking about his reaction to me doing normal things. Or I can but I'm going to feel miserable this is a classic example of not being able to be all things to him. None of us in life can do this. None of us can be expected to without experiencing serious ramifications to your own health. Be careful it can creep up on you. Please speak to someone to offload. I reaaly think it would benefit at least one of you.

@PeaceandJoy as well as bullet pointing your points for discussion with your counsellor you could try bullet pointing issues with your DH. It is all to easy for discussions to end in an argument if there is no plan or boundary. You are absorbing too much on your own. You need and both need structure before both of you spiral into a vortex.

I used to find it helpful to write things down.

@beenthereboughtthetshirt thank you! I agree I need to go back to counselling to offload. I'm very lucky in my work and get it paid for so I can request funding from my manager and get it easily enough.

Funnily enough dh told me to write a list of what bothers me and we'll chat about what we can do about it.

That OCD list lools helpful thanks @lizkt

@RantyAunty dh doesn't want any medication. He thinks he can sort it out without.

i used to work in a mental health team and one of the psych nurses told me that even if meds are prescribed they should only be used in conjunction with a talking therapy as the meds only manage the symptoms not he root cause which needs to be unpacked.

i really think counselling for at least one of you will ease the pressure. Sometimes i used to tense before a session or cry or get frustrated but whenever i completed the session i felt released and my headaches stopped. It was better than the medication i had previously been on in the years before (which alone did not help). good luck xx

I do agree that fixing the root cause whether it's al is the correct route.

But with OCD, the root cause can be medical or physical. For example, genetic, brain swelling or a physical injury. It's largely acknowledge that OCD is not caused by emotional difficulties.

So in that regard, talking therapy about childhood etc, still might not work. In my daughter's case, medication alone has greatly reduced the OCD.

I think OP's DH needs to fully engage with getting help himself. Until then, OP is wise to emotionally detach as she's doing. It doesn't mean stopping caring about him or completely leave him. It just means taking steps to look after herself and realise her own limitations in this situation.