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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DS said he's been pushed by key worker

61 replies

mailpal · 14/12/2021 18:58

My DS is 3 years old, very bright, articulate and aware.. he can be emotional, high sensitivity - the past 2-3 weeks (since one of the head of nursery left her post) he has been less happy, wanting to stay at home, not smiling when I collect him.. his key worker often tends to be busy with another parent when I collect him, she's unavailable and always seems to busy herself when I am there to collect him so another staff member brings DS.

Today at home he told my husband that he 'missed his mummy' and was crying for me.. he also told my DH that Mrs xx pushed him and said "I'm so sorry about that" even showed him the action..

He then proceeded to say that 2 kids kept putting sand in his eyes, he told me their names.. he has been coming home full of sand on certain days..

When I gently asked him about the above, he said "I shouldn't tell you anything mummy"

I am at an absolute loss and seething inside.. I don't know best way to deal with this but plan to go there for a chat tomorrow and email the nursery manager tomorrow.

Can anyone advise best way? Where do I start?

I'm seeing red and my DH is like so not show any emotion, be factual...

Pls advise someone who been through something similar?

OP posts:

KittenCatcher · 14/12/2021 19:03

First you believe him, call the police 101 for advice, do not send him back there, go yourself tomorrow and speak to the manager and ask them to investigate, record the meeting. Poor wee soul I hope its sorted soon.

Kanaloa · 14/12/2021 19:04

If she said ‘I’m so sorry about that’ it sounds like it was an accident? Like she pushed into him/moved him by mistake and was saying sorry I didn’t mean to push you.

With the sand I would suggest saying ‘oh Jack says Mike and Tom have been throwing sand in his eyes, I’ve told him he needs to tell a teacher but could you keep an eye as it upset him a bit!’

I don’t think it sounds like anything to be seething over? These things happen at nursery but he needs to know he can tell the teacher when someone hurts him.

Kanaloa · 14/12/2021 19:05

@KittenCatcher

Call the police? Have I missed something in the op?

Some kids threw sand in his eyes?

SmallGreenStripes · 14/12/2021 19:06

What Kanaloa said.

DysmalRadius · 14/12/2021 19:08

When I gently asked him about the above, he said "I shouldn't tell you anything mummy"

This bit is the most concerning for me - who is telling him not to say anything to you, or why has he got the impression that he's to keep anything from you?

lessthanathirdofanacre · 14/12/2021 19:08

@Kanaloa

If she said ‘I’m so sorry about that’ it sounds like it was an accident? Like she pushed into him/moved him by mistake and was saying sorry I didn’t mean to push you.

With the sand I would suggest saying ‘oh Jack says Mike and Tom have been throwing sand in his eyes, I’ve told him he needs to tell a teacher but could you keep an eye as it upset him a bit!’

I don’t think it sounds like anything to be seething over? These things happen at nursery but he needs to know he can tell the teacher when someone hurts him.

I agree with every bit of this post.

MrsFin · 14/12/2021 19:11

@KittenCatcher

Don't be ridiculous.

Are you sure it was a push, and not herding him in the right direction or accidentally brushing into him?
Even if it was a push there may have been a good reason for it, if he was in danger of being in the way it somebody.

As for the sand, tell the supervisor and tell DS to tell her if it happens again. It sounds like (unacceptable) high jinks to me

Neither issue is worth reporting to the police. What do you think they would/could do? Even if they had the time.

Starcaller · 14/12/2021 19:12

It does sound like an accident. My almost 3yo DD says we push her if we accidentally bump into her. 'You pushed me, Mummy!' Definitely not deliberate but she's affronted nevertheless

pog100 · 14/12/2021 19:13

The police?? You don't think they might have better things to do than sorting out sand pit fights between 3 year old kids?
OP you should definitely have a word with the nursery. I agree with your DH, don't go in with all guns blazing, just explain the change in your child and the things he has said she listen to what they have to say.
Of course it's well possible that under staffing has led to a lack of oversight during play and they may need to improve this. They may have noticed and can explain.
Talk to them. Not the fucking police FGS

Notthissticky · 14/12/2021 19:14

Time to explain that he should never keep a secret for someone else (in particular if they ask him specifically) and he can always come to speak to you or his dad about it. I agree the keyworker pushing him sounds like it might have been an accident going on her reaction, but having him show you what happened should give you more information. Re sand in his eyes: this would piss me off too. Contact nursery and explain what he's said and ask them to keep an eye on him near the sand and to watch these kids closer than usual.

What exactly are you so angry about? Don't mean that to sound dismissive! Do you think his keyworker deliberately pushed him or did so in anger? Are you worried he's being bullied?

KittenCatcher · 14/12/2021 19:15

I didnt say report it, I said ask for their advice. Whats wrong with that, maybe some people could think saying I am so sorry could be sarcastic and why would he say he shouldnt be telling mummy anything. With all the terrible abuse cases the more people are made aware the better what harm could it do,

Notthissticky · 14/12/2021 19:17

@DysmalRadius

When I gently asked him about the above, he said "I shouldn't tell you anything mummy"

This bit is the most concerning for me - who is telling him not to say anything to you, or why has he got the impression that he's to keep anything from you?

Yes, I agree 100% with this. If it's other children telling him not to tell anyone he needs to know that that's wrong. If it's one of the staff then alarm bells should be going off. I appreciate that might be upsetting to hear, but it's quite a concerning comment if coming from an adult.

Harriet1216 · 14/12/2021 19:25

With all the terrible abuse cases the more people are made aware the better what harm could it do
The OP is talking about a nursery setting, and children throwing sand about. It hardly warrants more people being aware. The OP should sort it out with the nursery.

Dery · 14/12/2021 19:29

“The police?? You don't think they might have better things to do than sorting out sand pit fights between 3 year old kids?
OP you should definitely have a word with the nursery. I agree with your DH, don't go in with all guns blazing, just explain the change in your child and the things he has said she listen to what they have to say.
Of course it's well possible that under staffing has led to a lack of oversight during play and they may need to improve this. They may have noticed and can explain.
Talk to them.”

This with bells on.

ThirdElephant · 14/12/2021 19:33

I'd just ask about it. I work with kids and accidentally elbowed one today when I was turning around- it happens. I said sorry, checked he was OK, and life went on. If she apologised I'd presume it was an accident, but there's nothing wrong with asking for clarification.

NeedsCharging · 14/12/2021 19:42

OP the poster who said go to the police needs to have a serious word with themselves

I agree with others. 3 yo are very little and knee hight so easy to walk in to by accident. They also have a unique skill of always being underfoot like cats!
It sounds like the teacher apologised for bumping in to him not apologising for doing anything bad.

Calm down and if you need to speak to the nursery hut please do not think this is a police matter.

GoodTid · 14/12/2021 19:45

What am I missing here ?

A worker accidentally bumped into a child and said sorry ?

For the sand pit, make sure a worker knows.

luverlybubberly · 14/12/2021 19:46

You need to ask the key worker.

Totally agree that the most worrying bit is that he thinks he shouldn't be talking about it. Did the keyworker say that because she wants him to keep a secret or is this about telling tales? Both are unacceptable

Tee20x · 14/12/2021 19:57

Today I accidentally kneed my child as she crawled underneath me when I was crouching down to get something. Kids of this age are tiny and can easily get knocked etc.

I have to say when I read the opening lines of your OP I sighed a bit when reading your descriptions of him being bright and articulate - as if this is to mean he must have got the situation 100% correctly. End of the day hes 3 years old.

Like PP said you accidentally bump into a child of that age and it's "you pushed me" "you hurt me :((((" even if it's just a touch to the finger tip.

I'm with your husband don't go into it all guns blazing.

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 14/12/2021 19:58

Ask nursery to explain or find out what happened. Remember children can only tell us what they remember, and that can sometimes not be what really happened. I had parent complain to me this week that their child had not been allowed yoghurt. There weren't any yoghurts. Another parent complained that an adult had not allowed her child to play in the sand. The sand had had to be covered because of fox poo.

If you're not happy with the Nursery's explanation, take it further, but there's no point getting upset at this stage.

Also, kids chuck sand in the sand pit. They also pour it, dig it, scrabble around in it. Some goes in eyes. I've been working in EYFS for 15 years and have never come across a serious eye injury from sand. Not saying it doesn't happen but if it does it's rare.

Scarby9 · 14/12/2021 19:59

Over the years I have accidentally trodden on children or elbowed them or even knocked a couple over in the same way @ThirdElephant described. Small children get under your feet sometimes, even when you are really trying to avoid them - they tend to like to be close. I have always immediately apologised and checked they were alright.
Similarly, small children have walloped me (with resulting bruises, scratches and once, a black eye), and crashed into me too, equally accidentally.

So I suspect the 'push' with apology is probably not a problem. Nor is the sand throwing by nursery age children, unless it is repeated or persistent.
But I would definitely mention your child's emotional change, and him saying he shouldn't tell you something. Ask what he may be referring to. Are there secret Christmas cards or calendars being made, maybe? Let them know he seems confused because there should be nothing he can't tell you.

CurtainTroubles · 14/12/2021 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

ballsdeep · 14/12/2021 20:05

@KittenCatcher

FFS clearly you've never worked with children or have never walked/pushed/bumped them on accident?!?

cansu · 14/12/2021 20:07

It sounds like an accident! I am absolutely shocked that you are not explaining to him that people do bump into others by accident and that the right thing to do is apologise (which she did!).

Also kids do muck about with sand and it is easy to see how he might have got sand in his eye.

I thought I had seen everything on mumsnet but the poster suggesting you ring 101 is taking it to another level!

cansu · 14/12/2021 20:08

Kittencatcher
How on earth can this be in any way related to the abuse cases in the news at the moment? Are you drunk??

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