DS said he's been pushed by key worker

[mailpal]

My DS is 3 years old, very bright, articulate and aware.. he can be emotional, high sensitivity - the past 2-3 weeks (since one of the head of nursery left her post) he has been less happy, wanting to stay at home, not smiling when I collect him.. his key worker often tends to be busy with another parent when I collect him, she's unavailable and always seems to busy herself when I am there to collect him so another staff member brings DS.

Today at home he told my husband that he 'missed his mummy' and was crying for me.. he also told my DH that Mrs xx pushed him and said "I'm so sorry about that" even showed him the action..

He then proceeded to say that 2 kids kept putting sand in his eyes, he told me their names.. he has been coming home full of sand on certain days..

When I gently asked him about the above, he said "I shouldn't tell you anything mummy"

I am at an absolute loss and seething inside.. I don't know best way to deal with this but plan to go there for a chat tomorrow and email the nursery manager tomorrow.

Can anyone advise best way? Where do I start?

I'm seeing red and my DH is like so not show any emotion, be factual...

Pls advise someone who been through something similar?

My next door neighbour's entire house, well the contents, was stolen when they were on holiday. Everything. Stripped. Even the contents of the fridge. (Integrated).

The police didn't even come out.

So good luck with your sand pit complaints.

My ds tripped up a curb hit his face on my elbow and broke his glasses the other week. To hear him talk you'd think I'd intentionally elbowed him.

She apologised so it doesn't sound intentional! Small children do tend to throw sand about, talk to the nursery and make them aware if they aren't already

I would go in and speak to them about the kids throwing sand. It could easily be an accident but if you tell them he’s unhappy about going then they’ll make sure they keep an eye on him.

I wouldn’t call the police but I would pull him out.

To the person suggesting the police, seriously? You’d get arrested for wasting police time. Especially without any evidence anything actually occurred let alone intentional harm.

Op you state yourself your child is highly emotional, it’s very possible he’s adjusting to the loss of his keyworker.

Have a chat to the staff, reassure yourself that he’s being well cared for.

@FreeBritnee

I wouldn’t call the police but I would pull him out.

Why?

My ds2 once came out of pre-school telling me that his keyeorker had kicked him and he'd "cried and cried". What had actually happened was that the poor woman had tripped over him, given herself a nasty cut on the head on the edge of door frame and he'd screamed the place down because he was scared of all the blood!

Children shouldnt be ignored when they tell us things but we should remember that they tell them from their own perspective.

There are three different things here

1. You were already worried about whether he was happy and about the keyworker and had noticed a big change, when he’d been happy before.
2. he was upset about nursery and other kids
3. He said he wasn’t to tell you anything

1. and 3. would make me move him tbh. Why take the risk of his unhappiness, at 3 years old, if there are other places available?

I’d be speaking to the nursery and just checking what happened. My DS can be sensitive and while sometimes a change in mood can indicate something wrong, sometimes he’s got himself worked up over nothing. A chat to the nursery will help you figure out which it is.

I work in a nursery and have tripped over children, accidentally sat on them (when they rush to sit on the chair 2s when I’m already commiting and I can’t see them). Several times my glasses have been broken and I’ve accidentally knocked into children as I tried to where I keep my spare. I say sorry, make sure they’re ok, and carry on. Though the child who I tried to sit on did tell his Mum my bum tried to eat him

• I accidentally sat on, not tried.

Just talk to them?
The push sounds completely accidental from your description. Do you genuinely think he's been assaulted?
He may well be very bright and articulate, but he's also 3 years old. You need to have an actual conversation with them.
The sandpit thing, that's what happens. Tell them you've been told this has happened and ask them to keep an eye out.
Calling the police is absolutely batshit - don't do that.

@Ozanj

I work in a nursery and have tripped over children, accidentally sat on them (when they rush to sit on the chair 2s when I’m already commiting and I can’t see them). Several times my glasses have been broken and I’ve accidentally knocked into children as I tried to where I keep my spare. I say sorry, make sure they’re ok, and carry on. Though the child who I tried to sit on did tell his Mum my bum tried to eat him

This post has made my day

Don't dismiss what child is saying. Arrange to speak to manager and key worker together before he returns. Make sure everything is documented. See what they say and decide what to do from there. Either way your poor child should feel safe at nursery and you should be getting told if he's getting sand thrown at him.

@Rjw84

There are three different things here

1. You were already worried about whether he was happy and about the keyworker and had noticed a big change, when he’d been happy before.
2. he was upset about nursery and other kids
3. He said he wasn’t to tell you anything

1. and 3. would make me move him tbh. Why take the risk of his unhappiness, at 3 years old, if there are other places available?

Yes I'm inclined to agree

Toddlers are constantly underfoot.
I wouldn't worry about the keyworker. What is a keyworker anyway?

wrt the other kids dumping sand on him.
What does he do when they start throwing sand on him?

@Ozanj

I work in a nursery and have tripped over children, accidentally sat on them (when they rush to sit on the chair 2s when I’m already commiting and I can’t see them). Several times my glasses have been broken and I’ve accidentally knocked into children as I tried to where I keep my spare. I say sorry, make sure they’re ok, and carry on. Though the child who I tried to sit on did tell his Mum my bum tried to eat him

my bum tried to eat him

I love this!

You need to ask to have a chat with his new key worker and explain he seems a bit unhappy at home and mention the incidents that he's told you about. It's getting to the end of term, excitement of Christmas, it can all get too much for some children. I always told my children they could only keep secrets that made them feel happy.

Speak to the nursery - give them a ring or an email during the day and ask them to call back. Tell them calmly that your ds is unsettled, set out what he said and ask for them to explain.

Take from there.

Thanks for your replies - I have emailed the nursery this morning and made it clear that transparency is important whilst he is in their care.. I haven't mentioned the key worker push thing, to be honest I think it could have been when she may have tried to calm him down when he got upset about wanting mummy.

I don't know how to approach the 'not telling mummy' thing - sounds like an accusation and I have only my sons word which is difficult to go from at age 3.

I will be keeping a very close eye and would happily pull him out should I sense any further slight unhappiness after the Xmas break

I’d ask my son why he said that/if someone told him not to tell, then as a PP suggested I’d have the “you can always tell me anything/never keep a secret just because someone else said to” chat

I would want to know EXACTLY where the not telling you, has come from.

Your child has become anxious about nursery and this is a change in his behaviour. I certainly wouldn’t leave it. I think I’d ask for a meeting/chat with a senior member of staff personally.

Sounds like now might be a good time to have the secret/surprises chat op. I have had this talk throughout the years with my kiddo. Basically you are not to have secrets from mummy and daddy, but you can have surprises. Secrets are where you are told not to tell anybody, surprises you don't tell but the person is going to find out eventually so it's OK, for example, what present they are getting for Xmas, a surprise party. I say that when someone asks to keep a secret that is not good because sometimes people ask to keep things secret that grown ups need to know about, like someone getting hurt, doing things that could get someone else into trouble etc and grown ups need to know to protect them/other kids. It's OK to have surprises if the person is going to find out eventually but it's not OK to have secrets especially from mummy and daddy. I usually add about if you don't feel you can talk to me these other adults are safe I.e teacher, other trusted relative, whoever you feel would safeguard them basically. Worked well for me and my little girl and she will say to friends she can't have secrets only surprises. Now she's older have worked in privacy and even if not a secret I don't want people knowing how frequent or how stinky my farts are, how much junk I eat, any embarrassing ailments I may have etc 😬😂

@KittenCatcher

I didnt say report it, I said ask for their advice. Whats wrong with that, maybe some people could think saying I am so sorry could be sarcastic and why would he say he shouldnt be telling mummy anything. With all the terrible abuse cases the more people are made aware the better what harm could it do,

Because the police are not there to referee sandpit fights between three year olds, nor to provide advice on them. Your suggestion has to be one of the most absurd I h ave ever read on mumsnet.