Torn

[smlb199]

Hello
First time poster
Long time lurker

Won't give too much identifiable information but wanted an idea of others opinions. Is Mumsnet fairly varied in its readership?

Husband and I been together nearly 20 years and married more than 10. Have 2 children 9 and 5.

I do love my husband. In hindsight there have always been some red flags some small and some larger.

After having children things became more challenging as parenting styles differ.
However he now drinks nearly daily and up to 5 litres a fortnight of spirits.
He's Jekyll and Hyde can be all good but if something triggers he shouts at me and kids. He's always telling me what I'm failing to do well or to his standards (ex military) and is often calling me names. Idiot, fucktard.
He even calls me a shortened version of my maiden name e.g. 'Oh Bunts... your so slapdash' 'Such a Bunterism!' When I have done something not to his liking.
I am in a profession where I am educated in up to date child well being and psychology but he totally disregards it. He calls me weak and shouts at me while children are disregulating that it's all my fault because I'm so weak and they walk all over me.
They don't - they are normal kids with normal boundaries that they challenge at times but I stay firm but respectful and help them work through any emotions as best I can.
My kids haven't slept well until recently so I've had 9 years of sleep deprivation and never once has he done night wake ups . I've always been here for bedtime.
Tonight an episode led to my daughter crying and running upstairs she even asked me if her dad has an illness that makes him angry.

Writing it all down sounds awful. He thinks I'm lazy but I never stop. I wish 3/4 days a week. He does help around house but us fastidious and inflexible as to when and how it happens. On rare occasion he's not drinking he doesn't do the normal routine of his.

He says he feels disrespected and uncared for- I feel I've numbed everything to cope. I can't respect someone who is so angry and explosive. I calmly call him out if he calls me names or puts me down especially in front of kids 'it's not Ok to call me a retard' 'it's unacceptable to call me lazy'.

Kids love him to bits lot of the time and he can be great fun but it's always on his terms and depends on his mood.

This can't go on but not sure what to do!

Sorry such a long post! Doubt anyone will plough through it!

I cant understand why you have staying with this dreadful man. He is clearly a highly abusive alcoholic and it must be causing untold harm to your children. You seem very intelligent and educated you must realise this. If not then I would guess the many years of abuse have worn you down. Is there anyone who can support you while you get out of this, a friend, family etc? Can you afford counselling, a counsellor experienced with trauma and abuse would help. Growing up around verbal and emotional abuse and alcoholism is so incredibly hard to recover from, if you can think about that and protecting your children it might give you the strength to get out.

I don't have much advice, but I didn't want to read and run. You say he's ex-military. I really don't want to go out on a limb, but could there be PTSD? A need to control his immediate surroundings? Anyway, you don't really need the diagnosis as to why, you need to hear that he is being unacceptably controlling. 'His standards'. Inflexible. Shouting and reducing family members to tears. Again, even if it is PTSD, you do not have to pay the price. You need to agree, as a family unit, what your 'standards' are.

More than that, if anyone is making you feel 'weak' and 'lazy' - or worse, actually telling you that - well then, you really need to reassess the relationship.

Thanks so much for replies.
First time I've ever communicated what's happening other than to 2 very close friends. There's trauma in his childhood.
Bereavement of a parent in early teens and alcoholic father.

I really don’t know why you’re still with him.
You need to protect your kids and yourself.

So following your logic, your children may well end up being alcoholic arseholes themselves, due to trauma in their childhood and having an alcoholic parent.

Fix it for god's sake and end it now.

Wish fixing it was as easy logistically as it sounds but I do think somethings got to change.

Numbing yourself is not good. You don't deserve to live like this, your children don't deserve to have that as a model for how to be married

Can you see a therapist? Either alone or with him. You might need someone to help you work through what options you have here and how you want to deal with the situation

Also read this- you can get the pdf on your phone. I think you might recognise your husband as one of the "types"
www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

[quote AdamRyan]Also read this- you can get the pdf on your phone. I think you might recognise your husband as one of the "types"
www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf[/quote]
Wow just briefly perused and wow I could have said 6/6 statements

I know it's abusive

I am going to book counselling in next couple of days - he's not interested in counselling 'it's 21st century bollocks' apparently

5 litres a fortnight!!! That’s 357ml per day - 14 units. The weekly limit every day. I don’t think I need to tell you to LTB because he will prob be dead from alcoholic liver disease soon enough.

I understand why you're still together because I've been there. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave. But this is doing grave harm to you and your children and the damage is increasing the longer you stay. Once your kids are old enough to understand the dynamic, they will disrespect both parents - him for abuse, and you for allowing it to happen. If a crisis situation emerges where social services are involved, the question will arise whether you're able to protect your children from harm and whether your children are safe with you. It doesn't look like that's the case right now. You can contact women's aid, local council family support and police, for help.

"There is a common misconception that a woman who has been abused has some understanding of what has happened to her. This is simply not true. When a woman is being subjected to abuse she feels that she is in the middle of a very confusing mess and that it must be somehow her fault." (from Freedom Programme)

@SweetBabyCheeses99

5 litres a fortnight!!! That’s 357ml per day - 14 units. The weekly limit every day. I don’t think I need to tell you to LTB because he will prob be dead from alcoholic liver disease soon enough.

I know! All been discussed- I've explained it's nearly 100 units a week. He says he just having a couple a night! That's his couple! He's not at his worse when drunk - just different. Worse in day probably due to drinking though.

My kids will be devastated if we split

He's away after Xmas for several weeks except weekends so gives some space
Dreading 2 weeks Christmas altogether

Counselling WITH an abusive partner is NOT recommended or helpful, but counselling for you on how to deal with this situation will be useful. Just don't expect wonders from counselling. You have big practical issues to overcome which should be your priority. A counsellor will not tell you what to do in practical terms.

@aLittleL1fe

I understand why you're still together because I've been there. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave. But this is doing grave harm to you and your children and the damage is increasing the longer you stay. Once your kids are old enough to understand the dynamic, they will disrespect both parents - him for abuse, and you for allowing it to happen. If a crisis situation emerges where social services are involved, the question will arise whether you're able to protect your children from harm and whether your children are safe with you. It doesn't look like that's the case right now. You can contact women's aid, local council family support and police, for help.

"There is a common misconception that a woman who has been abused has some understanding of what has happened to her. This is simply not true. When a woman is being subjected to abuse she feels that she is in the middle of a very confusing mess and that it must be somehow her fault." (from Freedom Programme)

Your message is very powerful as a professional in education I haven't looked at it so clearly from that point of view. Thank you.

I will speak to services in coming days.

I sent him Maslow hierarchy of need tonight after it all blew up and explained I was sending it to explain how important safety was to our daughter (he's not physical although I realise it's just as damaging) - And that we live in fight or flight- I said i was sending him it to help him understand my view and priorities for their well-being. His reply was 'do not text me again. You are being manipulative'

@aLittleL1fe

Counselling WITH an abusive partner is NOT recommended or helpful, but counselling for you on how to deal with this situation will be useful. Just don't expect wonders from counselling. You have big practical issues to overcome which should be your priority. A counsellor will not tell you what to do in practical terms.

I've read this before - never take an abuser to a counsellor. Good advice to not pin too much hope on counselling but use as sounding board when dealing with big issues.

Have you spoken to women's aid?

@Name99

Have you spoken to women's aid?

Never have May do Never felt like my situation was one they'd help with I guess

How can you be educated in up to date child well being and psychology without knowing the damage this will be causing your own children? And it is affecting them.

I hope that 'putting it out there' means you are ready to do what you need to going forward.

@CJsGoldfish

How can you be educated in up to date child well being and psychology without knowing the damage this will be causing your own children? And it is affecting them.

I hope that 'putting it out there' means you are ready to do what you need to going forward.

Fair point I hope so too

For people questioning why I'm still here - I guess until now I've been balancing the damage of current situation with damage of separating - we couldn't both afford new home from current ones equity etc - i work part time - gave up career to care for kids - have some health issues - just returned 2/3 days a week- lower income than him etc etc
Not got any wealth in family to support me either if that makes sense.

Worried about sharing custody as then I can't protect them at all

Just want to try and make the best choice in all aspects for kids and I - it's not always as simple as it sounds to just up and leave even when it does look like your only option

At your children’s ages you are quite likely to get more than 50%, but you need to speak to a family solicitor about your personal situation. You can usually get the first chat free so ring around. I did this when I was first thinking of splitting and I found it very reassuring. It doesn’t mean you have to go, it will just give you the confidence to if you ever choose to.
Then get your ducks in a row for if and when you do it. It just gives you a bit of control back.

@GoodnightGrandma

At your children’s ages you are quite likely to get more than 50%, but you need to speak to a family solicitor about your personal situation. You can usually get the first chat free so ring around. I did this when I was first thinking of splitting and I found it very reassuring. It doesn’t mean you have to go, it will just give you the confidence to if you ever choose to. Then get your ducks in a row for if and when you do it. It just gives you a bit of control back.

I don't trust him to have them more than a day I don't think. Would he be entitled to have them despite his behaviour? I can't do that to them? One of the reasons I am still here. He's damaging them now but with me to minimise, diffuse and protect and emotionally support the aftermath - I can't do that if separate.

Solicitor idea is a good one. I have very little spare £. So will see if I can get a free one. I'm in charge or all the finances however there's not a lot spare!

You say your husband had trauma in his childhood and this is why he is the way he is.
Reread this in your opening post then look at your children.
When they turn into abusive adults or accept an abusive relationship ,they too will have the same excuse. Someone saying that about them.
So that's OK then as that's how you're excusing your H actions and that is how he was created. No difference !!!!
This is how your mind has been warped by your H's abuse.
Make him leave.