Torn

[smlb199]

Hello
First time poster
Long time lurker

Won't give too much identifiable information but wanted an idea of others opinions. Is Mumsnet fairly varied in its readership?

Husband and I been together nearly 20 years and married more than 10. Have 2 children 9 and 5.

I do love my husband. In hindsight there have always been some red flags some small and some larger.

After having children things became more challenging as parenting styles differ.
However he now drinks nearly daily and up to 5 litres a fortnight of spirits.
He's Jekyll and Hyde can be all good but if something triggers he shouts at me and kids. He's always telling me what I'm failing to do well or to his standards (ex military) and is often calling me names. Idiot, fucktard.
He even calls me a shortened version of my maiden name e.g. 'Oh Bunts... your so slapdash' 'Such a Bunterism!' When I have done something not to his liking.
I am in a profession where I am educated in up to date child well being and psychology but he totally disregards it. He calls me weak and shouts at me while children are disregulating that it's all my fault because I'm so weak and they walk all over me.
They don't - they are normal kids with normal boundaries that they challenge at times but I stay firm but respectful and help them work through any emotions as best I can.
My kids haven't slept well until recently so I've had 9 years of sleep deprivation and never once has he done night wake ups . I've always been here for bedtime.
Tonight an episode led to my daughter crying and running upstairs she even asked me if her dad has an illness that makes him angry.

Writing it all down sounds awful. He thinks I'm lazy but I never stop. I wish 3/4 days a week. He does help around house but us fastidious and inflexible as to when and how it happens. On rare occasion he's not drinking he doesn't do the normal routine of his.

He says he feels disrespected and uncared for- I feel I've numbed everything to cope. I can't respect someone who is so angry and explosive. I calmly call him out if he calls me names or puts me down especially in front of kids 'it's not Ok to call me a retard' 'it's unacceptable to call me lazy'.

Kids love him to bits lot of the time and he can be great fun but it's always on his terms and depends on his mood.

This can't go on but not sure what to do!

Do you have my proof of his behaviour ?
It might be better asking that on the legal page as I don’t know, but he may well go for 50% just to piss you off. Do you think he’s likely to actually want them 5o% when it comes down to it ?

You staying with him is not minimising it. It is enabling it. Tge children will have a voice to say they won't see him , if you stay they have no choice.
You say you are educated in this subject , then you know it is best to take them away from it.

It sounds like he thinks he's still in the military and he's your commanding officer. Calling you names is horrible. And how can someone tell their partner "do not text me again"? Does he value your opinion on anything?

It sounds like it must be very hard to cope with being treated like this. Sadly I can't see how it can get better unless he changes, and I can't see how he would change if he's so opposed to counselling or even to discussing things calmly with you.

I've heard that people with childhood trauma can be triggered when their kids start getting close to the ages that they were when the trauma happened. This may get worse as your kids get older and possibly start reminding him even more of when he was their age.

I don't really know what to suggest, but I wish you the best of luck. I hope that a counsellor can come up with more helpful suggestions for this situation than I can think of.

My grown up cousin and I had a very candid chat about the level of destruction to her long term mental health growing up around her otherwise wonderful alcoholic father. He stopped drinking when she was 20 but the damage was done. Most of her bitterness as an adult is aimed at her mother for failing to leave him and allowing her childhood to be spent walking on egg shells. She is anorexic and highly anxious due to years of not knowing if it's fun Dad, grumpy dad or scary Dad when she walked in the house. It is very hard to leave, and you may have to live in much less comfortable life style. But it is worth it so show your daughter that this behaviour is not normal.

@Dancingsmile

You say your husband had trauma in his childhood and this is why he is the way he is. Reread this in your opening post then look at your children. When they turn into abusive adults or accept an abusive relationship ,they too will have the same excuse. Someone saying that about them. So that's OK then as that's how you're excusing your H actions and that is how he was created. No difference !!!! This is how your mind has been warped by your H's abuse. Make him leave.

Not excusing and realise impact hence why I've finally been brave enough to ask for advice

Reason I mentioned trauma in childhood is only because a pp suggested PTSD as cause not excuse

I do have concerns over children being with him alone for50%.

I appreciate your post

@Dancingsmile

You staying with him is not minimising it. It is enabling it. Tge children will have a voice to say they won't see him , if you stay they have no choice. You say you are educated in this subject , then you know it is best to take them away from it.

Hence why I'm going to try and do so!

Google adult children of alcoholics for an idea of what you will do to them if you stay.

Staying isn't protecting them, it's harming them.

I'm that child and I also really hate that my mother wouldn't leave 'because of us kids'.
I have a poor relationship with her now- she should have protected us but she was just a coward.

You are making excuses not to leave. You have to protect your kids.

@MoonbeamsGlittering

It sounds like he thinks he's still in the military and he's your commanding officer. Calling you names is horrible. And how can someone tell their partner "do not text me again"? Does he value your opinion on anything?

It sounds like it must be very hard to cope with being treated like this. Sadly I can't see how it can get better unless he changes, and I can't see how he would change if he's so opposed to counselling or even to discussing things calmly with you.

I've heard that people with childhood trauma can be triggered when their kids start getting close to the ages that they were when the trauma happened. This may get worse as your kids get older and possibly start reminding him even more of when he was their age.

I don't really know what to suggest, but I wish you the best of luck. I hope that a counsellor can come up with more helpful suggestions for this situation than I can think of.

Thanks for your good wishes and kindness. No easy paths but I feel I know which is needed unless he changes (can't see that happening unfortunately).

Please rest assured I am no push over and will not be ruled by anyone - I'm sure of myself and luckily know my self worth so haven't let it destroy everything. Just need to take action before it affects kids any more.

Leave. Make plans to. I left my schooling dh in 2019. Same situation as usual. I was trapped as we lived in Switzerland. I saw a solicitor after he crashed the car drunk and the children suggested wine as his Xmas present. They were 9 and 10. Don't commit your children to this toxic nightmare. I left with and I lost my house but you know what I regained my sanity. No one has the right to insult you in your own home. I'm free now and you can be too. I told no one as I was ashamed. I know where you are coming from believe me. Pm me I'd love to share. Bless you. Call a solicitor today.

Alcoholic, not schooling

@Signoramarella

Leave. Make plans to. I left my schooling dh in 2019. Same situation as usual. I was trapped as we lived in Switzerland. I saw a solicitor after he crashed the car drunk and the children suggested wine as his Xmas present. They were 9 and 10. Don't commit your children to this toxic nightmare. I left with and I lost my house but you know what I regained my sanity. No one has the right to insult you in your own home. I'm free now and you can be too. I told no one as I was ashamed. I know where you are coming from believe me. Pm me I'd love to share. Bless you. Call a solicitor today.

Thank you for your post. I know I'm strong enough. I think I also now realise it's the best option. I am working today so can't pursue counselling and solicitor easily but will

Well done, it sounds like you're starting to realise that your husband is abusive. That's massive and a lot of women never get this far. Now is the "wtf do I do about it" stage. Once you start looking, you'll find there's lots of help out there. I contacted a couple of the bigger domestic abuse charities who were really helpful. They helped me access legal aid which I've used for the divorce, a non-mol order and if he ever applies for child arrangements it'll cover me for that too. Despite the bad press it gets, I've also found Universal Credit to be very generous and it allows me to work part time while my child is young but still enjoying a decent quality of life.

Is there any way you can document his drinking and abuse? If he applies for child access arrangements, and often these men actually don't, that kind of evidence will help sway the balance in your favour. I'm not legal but it's very likely that it would be supervised contact at first with unsupervised contact being a long way down the line. These processes are lengthy and slow.

I'm of the opinion that abusers can't change, they can only make you think they have while it suits them. If a grown man doesn't know this behaviour is wrong by now, he never will. You don't owe him anything just because he had a hard childhood or a hard job.

I’d be documenting his frankly enormous alcohol intake and his behaviours as part of my custody request. I would hope the courts don’t give an alcoholic 50/50 custody!

@timeisnotaline

I’d be documenting his frankly enormous alcohol intake and his behaviours as part of my custody request. I would hope the courts don’t give an alcoholic 50/50 custody!

I am noting down and dating incidents is this enough evidence do you think? Have been for 8 weeks.

@DerbyshireMama

Well done, it sounds like you're starting to realise that your husband is abusive. That's massive and a lot of women never get this far. Now is the "wtf do I do about it" stage. Once you start looking, you'll find there's lots of help out there. I contacted a couple of the bigger domestic abuse charities who were really helpful. They helped me access legal aid which I've used for the divorce, a non-mol order and if he ever applies for child arrangements it'll cover me for that too. Despite the bad press it gets, I've also found Universal Credit to be very generous and it allows me to work part time while my child is young but still enjoying a decent quality of life.

Is there any way you can document his drinking and abuse? If he applies for child access arrangements, and often these men actually don't, that kind of evidence will help sway the balance in your favour. I'm not legal but it's very likely that it would be supervised contact at first with unsupervised contact being a long way down the line. These processes are lengthy and slow.

I'm of the opinion that abusers can't change, they can only make you think they have while it suits them. If a grown man doesn't know this behaviour is wrong by now, he never will. You don't owe him anything just because he had a hard childhood or a hard job.

Thank you for your kindness and all the helpful reassurance

So pleased you are on the right path and mindset. I noted everything that happened since 2017. Left in 2019. Had a terrible experience with family court getting a residency order so I recommend a v experienced solicitor. Womens aid are really good for advice. Remember your kids will grow up and thankyou fir this, getting them away from it. My 13vyr old understands now that daddy has an illness. You cant reason with an addict!

He says he feels disrespected and uncared for- - I think it is definitely the other way round.

I absolutely understand your reluctance to leave and for the children to be with him unsupervised when it is his turn to have them. But if his drinking really is at that level I think there would be a good legal case for him to have supervised contact only.

I am sorry you are in this horrible situation.

@Mischance

He says he feels disrespected and uncared for- - I think it is definitely the other way round.

I absolutely understand your reluctance to leave and for the children to be with him unsupervised when it is his turn to have them. But if his drinking really is at that level I think there would be a good legal case for him to have supervised contact only.

I am sorry you are in this horrible situation.

Thank you. Drinking is really at that level - however he never appears incredibly drunk.

His behaviour is an issue 24/7 not just when drinking.

I just want to give you a big hug, say you are taking the first step... keep going, recruit all the help and support you need and keep walking the right direction.

I am noting down and dating incidents is this enough evidence do you think? Have been for 8 weeks.
Receipts / bank statements for bottle shops, pictures of bottles… evidence that he’s a serious alcoholic

Women who leave abusive relationships, do so on 8th attempt on average. Many never do. It's not easy and actual leaving is often a very dangerous time so you have to be careful. Your best bet is to get as much support as possible in preparation - doing it alone is pretty much impossible, but with the help of trusted friends, solicitor, authorities - you stand a chance of finding your feet again. People who work with cases like yours in women's aid, family support etc will never say 'oh why haven't you left before' - they know how hard it is and will support and understand.

Initially you swap one set of problems for another (like practical and financial difficulties) but there is no comparison between the two! The new problems will make sense and there will be a purpose to solving them, unlike the needless suffering you're experiencing now. Over time it will just get better and better.

Also, there is a risk to everything in life, including doing nothing. Doing nothing in your situation brings the highest risk of issues and the damage will be the greatest. The prospect of 50/50 custody is scary but the risk of it actually materialising is not very high.

Been on chat online with womens aid and have local contacts

The drinking history might be a way of avoiding him having unsupervised contact.

@Mischance

The drinking history might be a way of avoiding him having unsupervised contact.

All maybes tho so hopefully will get more info to make a fully informed best way ahead