is my partner unreasonable about this or is it me?

[inthemiddlemum]

I know Christmas can be difficult for family relationships. Here's mine. For reasons I won't go into, my partner doesn't enjoy spending time around my teenage daughter. It's a long story but I have tried to mediate but nothing has worked. Both are stubborn. I've decided that the best I can do is listen and be supportive but stop trying to fix things, and let them sort it out, if they ever do. My partner however feels like I should be doing more but I won't go into that here.

My adult son's birthday is on Boxing Day. This Christmas, my partner's son is coming over on Christmas Day. My son and daughter are staying at their dad's and then coming over on Boxing Day. Because my partner didn't want to be around with my daughter at the same time he said he planned to go away on Boxing Day for four days - to give me time with my children. I would prefer he didn't as I would love him to be here for Christmas - but I accept he and my daughter don't get along, so I planned to try to make the best of it and enjoy being with my kids - I was really looking forward to it. I told my son he is welcome to stay for three nights until my partner gets back - this was something my partner actually encouraged and agreed on. My daughter and son are then going to their dad's so me and my partner get a few days to ourselves.

Now my partner has told me his plans have changed, he isn't going away and that he will be here, and that he would prefer if my son doesn't stay over at all. He says he's welcome to come over every day if he wants to, just not stay overnight. He says the reason for this is because he wants to stay out of the way in his office. (That's where the spare bed would be set up).

I told him I understand his point of view but don't feel comfortable uninviting my son - I wouldn't do that to anyone, as it's a pretty sh*tty thing to do. You don't uninvite people just because your plans have changed - even your own children. But I was prepared to understand his point of view - so I suggested as a compromise that my son just stay for one night, on his birthday. And that I clear out my office and he can stay in there. I was trying to be helpful and see how we could make it work, thinking that my son can have a drink and doesn't have to drive all the way over town to his dad's where he would be staying for his birthday at least.

I thought I was suggesting a good compromise - but my partner said "Fine, do what you want," and then strode out of the room in a huff. He didn't say No, but made it clear he wasn't happy at all.

We've since had a huge argument - where he brought up all the past times my daughter has upset him. He brings up the past a lot, even though each time something happens, we discuss things, apologies are made if necessary and I think they're resolved. I've tried to explain to him that bringing up past transgressions in current arguments isn't helpful and actually quite hurtful.

He then made it a big deal that I wouldn't just take his side and tell my son that he can't stay over, why couldn't I just say "fine, whatever you want". I threw that one back at him and asked him the same thing. I explained that I was the one doing all the compromising - but for him, it's his way or no way at all.

I can't argue with this man - well, I try but he really doesn't remember things very well, and then he accuses me of trying to make it all about my feelings. He then says I don't listen. He's accused me of this before - so I've taken that on board, and I listen and try to be empathetic and put myself in his shoes. But actually what I think is happening is my partner is confusing listening with agreeing. He feels that me not agreeing with him is me not listening.,

I've recently done a lot of work on personal boundaries because in the past mine have been awful - so this was the first time I really stood up for myself. I'm ashamed to say, the old me would have just gone along with my partner (I was in an abusive relationship before). I know I would feel sh*t telling my son - oh by the way, you can't stay now, because my partner will be here. I think my partner would feel crap if I did the same to him. So, on one level that feels good that I did that. However I now have to deal with this man who's got the hump (a lot).

It's actually pointless to argue with him anymore. I had a long discussion with him today about whether he actually wants to mend the relationship with my daughter - it sounds like he doesn't, he keeps dragging up the past. Of course my daughter has to do her part as well - but as a teen, I know emotional maturity isn't always a strong point. I expect us to be the adults and to show her what good adult behaviour looks like.

Anyway I'm rambling now. Don't know what to do now - if my son comes it will be awkward and I don't want him to feel put out. I also don't want my partner to feel ostracised in his own home.

For the record, my partner and I have a good relationship most of the time - just not when issues around families and my daughter come up. Not trying to minimise it - just trying to say he's not a monster - I wouldn't be with him if he were.

Just venting and wondering as per my question - have I got this wrong, am I being unreasonable or is he?

Thanks

Can I just update? So just now we’ve had another “discussion” along the lines of - this is all my fault: He can’t understand why I can’t compromise. That all he said was he didn’t want my son staying overnight but he’s welcome to come every day. That I’m being inflexible. Then be brought up last Christmas when I was ill and he cancelled his son coming over (I had to cancel my children coming over too) - and he did it without question. And how he had to cancel his son coming over again a month or so ago because my daughter got COVID and we had to self isolate. I stood my ground and used some of the things everyone has been saying here. I also told him me being ill and him changing plans are completely different. He just can’t see how wrong this is… and the way he explains things makes it look like I’m so in the wrong. He is making this all about me being inflexible! He says I’ve been inflexible all year - when I’ve done nothing but try to listen and understand and support him. You would think I’m the worst person in the world the way he’s explaining it. I realise there is no getting through to him. Any rational person would say “you know what, I completely understand. Have your son over and let’s all have a great time”. Now he’s saying - shall we just cancel Christmas. I told him I can’t believe you’re making this into such a big deal over something so minor. He told me I’m the one making it a big deal! So yes, the message here is: Comply! This is so sad and exhausting.

@inthemiddlemum

Can I just update? So just now we’ve had another “discussion” along the lines of - this is all my fault: He can’t understand why I can’t compromise. That all he said was he didn’t want my son staying overnight but he’s welcome to come every day. That I’m being inflexible. Then be brought up last Christmas when I was ill and he cancelled his son coming over (I had to cancel my children coming over too) - and he did it without question. And how he had to cancel his son coming over again a month or so ago because my daughter got COVID and we had to self isolate. I stood my ground and used some of the things everyone has been saying here. I also told him me being ill and him changing plans are completely different. He just can’t see how wrong this is… and the way he explains things makes it look like I’m so in the wrong. He is making this all about me being inflexible! He says I’ve been inflexible all year - when I’ve done nothing but try to listen and understand and support him. You would think I’m the worst person in the world the way he’s explaining it. I realise there is no getting through to him. Any rational person would say “you know what, I completely understand. Have your son over and let’s all have a great time”. Now he’s saying - shall we just cancel Christmas. I told him I can’t believe you’re making this into such a big deal over something so minor. He told me I’m the one making it a big deal! So yes, the message here is: Comply! This is so sad and exhausting.

This man sounds like a total arse, to me this almost signals the relationship is over and he is trying to crash the car so you end it, rather than him having the guts to end a relationship he does not want to be in.

It's not your explanation. He's doing it on purpose to make you respond and confuse your thoughts.
This is where you need to just grey rock him. "I've invited my son to stay over. It's unfortunate that your plans have changed but ours are staying the same. I don't want to discuss it further."

Put your children first. Every. Single. Time.

If he makes you choose, choose them.

@inthemiddlemum

Just to be clear - if you read my original message - he is not saying to uninvite him, completely but has said he would prefer if he doesn’t stay the night - that he can come every day if he wants. I fail to see the logic in this tbh and it is still absolutely not acceptable in my eyes as it’s my son’s birthday and he would be really hurt.

Tell your dp that HE is welcome to visit during the day but must sleep elsewhere.

Stop trying to reason with him, he’s a twat. Nothing he says benefits you or your children.

Do not cancel your plans! He wants to ruin Christmas and your sons birthday because he’s a controlling git. Let him sulk, he’s acting like a spoilt brat. Clear your office for your ds.

Don't let him mess with your head. Children before new partners. Especially when the partner is being an arse

He sounds really horrible. And you said you were in abusive relationships, so I can tell your new relationships are not fantastic as well. It happens quite often to women, that after one abusive relations, they are getting to the same or similar one, where they still have to stand up for them.

So about all that:

1. He said that he is leaving, your son is invited, now its your BF problem that he doesnt like it. Your son is your son forever, and boyfriend can be changed to another one.
2. Your daughter doesnt have good relations with him - its not she who is the problem, its his job to build good relations with her, make her like him, trust, be friends, etc. Because you and your children are already a family and he is basically is a stranger. So its his job to fit in, not your daughter's duty to comfort him
3. If that financially difficult now to separate, check for smaller/cheaper places, do the math, do some savings and leave when you will be comfortable with that.

He treats you and your family badly and you keep apologising for that and doing what he wants. These are not good relations.
You deserve better man, who will love you and your kids and relations, where you wont need to compromise between children and a man. Keep that in mind and continue keeping the boundaries.

Just because he’s had a bad childhood it doesn’t give him a free pass to act like a twat to your children, my husband had a terrible childhood and so did the rest of his siblings and his mother too, but if he tried for one minute to come between my son and I he’d be out on his arse like a shot.
If you allow your children to be pushed out by this childish self pitiful baby then don’t be surprised if they push you out of their lives later on when they have children of their own, and if in the future you realize that you have had enough of his pathetic behavior and throw him out you’ll have burned your boats as far as your children are concerned and no self pitying arsehole is worth that.

I’ve read the whole thread.

If my DP didn’t get on with my teenage dd - mine is 15 - he’d have been out the door on the end of my foot before the first words of criticism were out of his mouth. I don’t understand how you’ve let this go on for so long. How long has your teen dd had to live in her own home with a grown man who doesn’t like her?

You keep saying he just doesn't understand. Believe me HE DOES UNDERSTAND he just wants his own way .

Apart from all the above excellent reasons you should part from him that pps have written - living with this type of man will age you both mentally and physically.

I've read many posts from OPs who said they felt and looked 10 years younger and like a heavy load had been lifted when they left similar relationships.

@itsallgoodinthehood

You keep saying he just doesn't understand. Believe me HE DOES UNDERSTAND he just wants his own way .

Yes - absolutely this! You are judging him on your own character, OP. Sadly he just wants what he wants - whether that upsets or inconveniences you. I really hope you can work out extracting yourself from the lease as well as this unequal relationship as he will, I believe, just make things more difficult for your and your children. 🌹

Your username reflects your mindset, and it's wrong.

You shouldn't be in the middle, you should be on the side of your DC.

I think it’s crucial you stand your ground here. Assuming you are dealing with a covert narcissist - some of the things I’ve picked up are - you say you generally have a good marriage but it sounds like it’s only good when you don’t challenge him. You’re now trying to stand your ground, standing up for himself and he will hate this loss of control. He’s now trying to regain this control by dictating to you. It sounds like he’s trying to gain back even more than he’s lost?
I do get, I’m married to someone similar. It’s tough but I think you need to stand firm about having your DS over and consider your options in the New Year.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP.

Your DP obviously has unresolved issues from his childhood trauma plus being made homeless at 16. That is going to leave a person with a constant feelings of being unloveable and thus constantly seeking proof of love from future partners/children. And the sad thing is he won’t get therapy for this! He is a person that’s been twisted by what happened to him as a child. Whether you leave him or not, you must keep pushing for him to get some therapy as he is literally driving you away with his behaviour and destroying the relationships with his stepchildren.

You cannot uninvite your son, he is being so unreasonable. I would not have even offered the compromise you did. I’m not clear on why your DP changed his plans..was he uninvited and so is thinking that’s an ok thing to pass on to your son? He’s had shit role models all his life after all, so much of what he was taught or shown as “reasonable” is actually very unreasonable. It has obviously tainted all his efforts at building and maintaining relationships.

Please don’t think I’m defending him, I’m just underlining why he isn’t fit to be in a relationship now and your choice is to either get him to therapy and get him to being a good partner or your choice is to leave him with a clear message he needs to address his trauma burden.

For now though, it’s so clearly exhausting arguing with him, I guess I would tell him that your plans are going ahead and he is welcome to join (so long as he doesn’t act the Scrooge) or he can arrange to go somewhere else for the original four days he was supposed to be gone. But that’s his two choices. End of.

You are in an abusive relationship,the sooner you accept this and take the necessary steps to remove him from your life the better for your mental health and your kids.

There is a reason why mediation isn't recommended with abusers...
Because:
There is no explaining
There is no compromising
He is right and you are wrong and anything u say to the contrary is you disrespecting him and being difficult.
And don't you remember when u did xyz and he was so kind to you, and how do u repay him?
And he has done so much for you all these years and he doesn't deserve the treatment he gets from you!
And fine,if you are gonna be so horrible to him let's cancel everything, do nothing , go to the polar extreme of whatever behaviour was previously discussed. And that's all your fault because u wouldn't do what he very reasonably asked u.
Does that not please u either? Gosh there is no pleasing you ever,he is just trying his best and u are so terrible to poor him

Does any of the above ring a bell?
Just typical abuser bullshit

Just cause he is not hitting u to make u see the "error of your ways" doesn't mean he isn't emotionally draining you and manipulating you, that's abuse too.
And the longer he does it, the more u doubt yourself and start feeling like u are the mean one.

It's amazing how all emotional abusers and/or narcissists have the gift of taking anything u say twisting and turning it against you. Oh and selective memory,where everything good is thnx to them, and everything negative is a result of others.

Firstly, well fucking done on raising the bar with your boundaries. It's really hard work when it is ingrained. But it is 100% the right way to be doing things. I find myself second guessing myself when I do it almost every time. I hope one day I won't have to.
I know you said that you have your rental until August. I'd be making firm plans on how to extricate myself if I were you. Even if you decide to continue your relationship it might be better to do it with you both having your own spaces. That way you can give the time and space to your kids as you wish and he cannot dictate.
Continually bringing up the past is awful - I'm glad you questioned him on it.
As for this Christmas, I'd be firm that your plans are happening and he can either be there and fucking well act like he's enjoying it or he can make himself scarce. And stick to it. He wants compliance, that's not a partnership.

What a twat.

Tell him calmly that if he had to isolate ahead of surgery, you will cancel your son (and his, obv)

If your Ds or any of your household catch COVID you will cancel.

Until that happens it is nothing like what has already transpired.

But in the end he is acting like any territorial alpha male in the animal kingdom kicking out offspring that are not his, and ousting younger males. Just like the Lion King. Just like the step fathers of countless homeless young men who were driven out by mum’s new man.

He is a controlling abusive Neanderthal thug.

he isn't going away and that he will be here, and that he would prefer if my son doesn't stay over at all. He says he's welcome to come over every day if he wants to, just not stay overnight. He says the reason for this is because he wants to stay out of the way in his office

Btw, does he plan to stay in his office for days, only coming out at nightime when he can sleep in your room?? If that's the case he has ended the relationship as he is refusing to be around your son (and daughter).

@Cloudfrost, shudder, as your list was a throwback to what I dealt with years ago.

Op, you are not unreasonable. He is choosing to not be around your son (whereas before there were reasons to cancel visits). This is his clear choice, nothing to do with health or covid. Imagine you gave in, does he plan on hiding away in the office for 3 days?? What about eating together? Will he never let your son stay over again??
I don't think you need to ask him this but it highlights how crazy his "compromise" is. Its about making everyone feel uncomfortable over those 3 days so he punishes you all.

Books to read: a wolf in sheep's clothing, Why does he do that, Verbally abusive relationship

How long have you been together?

It's pretty much clear from the first post that you know the answer.

So, the final post on this. I had a chat with a really good friend today who was very understanding and echoed a lot of what I felt is unreasonable about this situation. When my partner came home from work we had yet another discussion - but it was calmer this time. He said: you're right, it was me who changed plans, so keep your plans and I will go away as planned. Then the stinger: "because you weren't prepared to help me out, I'll go away". When he said those words I kind of knew this will be used against me at some point. He is always the victim. I called him on it and said - I don't want that line used against me because I've done nothing but try to compromise but you've caused a scene. He's agreed from now on not to bring up the past... I feel very sad and kind of hopeless because I can see he doesn't get it at all. So even though he wants things to be back on an even keel I feel very distant inside. Something has changed for me - I feel disappointed and already like I am pulling away. To be so misunderstood is awful. Yesterday I offered a compromise, but he was so awful about it last night I just said - sorry, my son is coming for 4 days end of. Now all he remembers is me saying that, he has completely forgotten the compromise I offered. So there's no point trying. He hears what he wants to hear, twists my words, and seems to deliberately overlook my genuine intentions - I am a kind person who wouldn't wish anyone any harm - but the way he describes it I've got all these awful plans. I saw he'd posted one of those quotes kind of trying to garner sympathy - "sometimes it's so hard being so strong when you're close to the edge" - something like that. He had all these friends liking his post and one wrote "here for you mate". So I know he's been telling people about this - but only his skewed version. So infuriating,

Ignore those who believe he is badly done to.

My exh spread all sorts about me. Eventually, I realised those people were irrelevant and me getting annoyed wasn't going to change their minds.

Honestly, he will bring up the past. I don't think he will go anywhere. He will stay and make everyone uncomforgable over Christmas. He isn't going to let you have a nice Christmas with your kids when it's not what he wants and he isn't getting his own way.

@inthemiddlemum, the smear campaign has commenced. It may have been going on for a while. "When they can't control you, they seek to control how others see you"

It took me a long time to realise that my covert narc ex only saw me and the dc as a prop in his life, where he was the star of the show. Nobody was real to him. And when a prop doesn't serve its expected purpose any longer, it gets cast aside.

What an absolute prick! Please have zero tolerance when it comes to anyone being like that with your kids. You need to leave him or it will affect your relationship with your kids.