I know Christmas can be difficult for family relationships. Here's mine. For reasons I won't go into, my partner doesn't enjoy spending time around my teenage daughter. It's a long story but I have tried to mediate but nothing has worked. Both are stubborn. I've decided that the best I can do is listen and be supportive but stop trying to fix things, and let them sort it out, if they ever do. My partner however feels like I should be doing more but I won't go into that here.
My adult son's birthday is on Boxing Day. This Christmas, my partner's son is coming over on Christmas Day. My son and daughter are staying at their dad's and then coming over on Boxing Day. Because my partner didn't want to be around with my daughter at the same time he said he planned to go away on Boxing Day for four days - to give me time with my children. I would prefer he didn't as I would love him to be here for Christmas - but I accept he and my daughter don't get along, so I planned to try to make the best of it and enjoy being with my kids - I was really looking forward to it. I told my son he is welcome to stay for three nights until my partner gets back - this was something my partner actually encouraged and agreed on. My daughter and son are then going to their dad's so me and my partner get a few days to ourselves.
Now my partner has told me his plans have changed, he isn't going away and that he will be here, and that he would prefer if my son doesn't stay over at all. He says he's welcome to come over every day if he wants to, just not stay overnight. He says the reason for this is because he wants to stay out of the way in his office. (That's where the spare bed would be set up).
I told him I understand his point of view but don't feel comfortable uninviting my son - I wouldn't do that to anyone, as it's a pretty sh*tty thing to do. You don't uninvite people just because your plans have changed - even your own children. But I was prepared to understand his point of view - so I suggested as a compromise that my son just stay for one night, on his birthday. And that I clear out my office and he can stay in there. I was trying to be helpful and see how we could make it work, thinking that my son can have a drink and doesn't have to drive all the way over town to his dad's where he would be staying for his birthday at least.
I thought I was suggesting a good compromise - but my partner said "Fine, do what you want," and then strode out of the room in a huff. He didn't say No, but made it clear he wasn't happy at all.
We've since had a huge argument - where he brought up all the past times my daughter has upset him. He brings up the past a lot, even though each time something happens, we discuss things, apologies are made if necessary and I think they're resolved. I've tried to explain to him that bringing up past transgressions in current arguments isn't helpful and actually quite hurtful.
He then made it a big deal that I wouldn't just take his side and tell my son that he can't stay over, why couldn't I just say "fine, whatever you want". I threw that one back at him and asked him the same thing. I explained that I was the one doing all the compromising - but for him, it's his way or no way at all.
I can't argue with this man - well, I try but he really doesn't remember things very well, and then he accuses me of trying to make it all about my feelings. He then says I don't listen. He's accused me of this before - so I've taken that on board, and I listen and try to be empathetic and put myself in his shoes. But actually what I think is happening is my partner is confusing listening with agreeing. He feels that me not agreeing with him is me not listening.,
I've recently done a lot of work on personal boundaries because in the past mine have been awful - so this was the first time I really stood up for myself. I'm ashamed to say, the old me would have just gone along with my partner (I was in an abusive relationship before). I know I would feel sh*t telling my son - oh by the way, you can't stay now, because my partner will be here. I think my partner would feel crap if I did the same to him. So, on one level that feels good that I did that. However I now have to deal with this man who's got the hump (a lot).
It's actually pointless to argue with him anymore. I had a long discussion with him today about whether he actually wants to mend the relationship with my daughter - it sounds like he doesn't, he keeps dragging up the past. Of course my daughter has to do her part as well - but as a teen, I know emotional maturity isn't always a strong point. I expect us to be the adults and to show her what good adult behaviour looks like.
Anyway I'm rambling now. Don't know what to do now - if my son comes it will be awkward and I don't want him to feel put out. I also don't want my partner to feel ostracised in his own home.
For the record, my partner and I have a good relationship most of the time - just not when issues around families and my daughter come up. Not trying to minimise it - just trying to say he's not a monster - I wouldn't be with him if he were.
Just venting and wondering as per my question - have I got this wrong, am I being unreasonable or is he?
Thanks