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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is my partner unreasonable about this or is it me?

104 replies

inthemiddlemum · 13/12/2021 14:31

I know Christmas can be difficult for family relationships. Here's mine. For reasons I won't go into, my partner doesn't enjoy spending time around my teenage daughter. It's a long story but I have tried to mediate but nothing has worked. Both are stubborn. I've decided that the best I can do is listen and be supportive but stop trying to fix things, and let them sort it out, if they ever do. My partner however feels like I should be doing more but I won't go into that here.

My adult son's birthday is on Boxing Day. This Christmas, my partner's son is coming over on Christmas Day. My son and daughter are staying at their dad's and then coming over on Boxing Day. Because my partner didn't want to be around with my daughter at the same time he said he planned to go away on Boxing Day for four days - to give me time with my children. I would prefer he didn't as I would love him to be here for Christmas - but I accept he and my daughter don't get along, so I planned to try to make the best of it and enjoy being with my kids - I was really looking forward to it. I told my son he is welcome to stay for three nights until my partner gets back - this was something my partner actually encouraged and agreed on. My daughter and son are then going to their dad's so me and my partner get a few days to ourselves.

Now my partner has told me his plans have changed, he isn't going away and that he will be here, and that he would prefer if my son doesn't stay over at all. He says he's welcome to come over every day if he wants to, just not stay overnight. He says the reason for this is because he wants to stay out of the way in his office. (That's where the spare bed would be set up).

I told him I understand his point of view but don't feel comfortable uninviting my son - I wouldn't do that to anyone, as it's a pretty sh*tty thing to do. You don't uninvite people just because your plans have changed - even your own children. But I was prepared to understand his point of view - so I suggested as a compromise that my son just stay for one night, on his birthday. And that I clear out my office and he can stay in there. I was trying to be helpful and see how we could make it work, thinking that my son can have a drink and doesn't have to drive all the way over town to his dad's where he would be staying for his birthday at least.

I thought I was suggesting a good compromise - but my partner said "Fine, do what you want," and then strode out of the room in a huff. He didn't say No, but made it clear he wasn't happy at all.

We've since had a huge argument - where he brought up all the past times my daughter has upset him. He brings up the past a lot, even though each time something happens, we discuss things, apologies are made if necessary and I think they're resolved. I've tried to explain to him that bringing up past transgressions in current arguments isn't helpful and actually quite hurtful.

He then made it a big deal that I wouldn't just take his side and tell my son that he can't stay over, why couldn't I just say "fine, whatever you want". I threw that one back at him and asked him the same thing. I explained that I was the one doing all the compromising - but for him, it's his way or no way at all.

I can't argue with this man - well, I try but he really doesn't remember things very well, and then he accuses me of trying to make it all about my feelings. He then says I don't listen. He's accused me of this before - so I've taken that on board, and I listen and try to be empathetic and put myself in his shoes. But actually what I think is happening is my partner is confusing listening with agreeing. He feels that me not agreeing with him is me not listening.,

I've recently done a lot of work on personal boundaries because in the past mine have been awful - so this was the first time I really stood up for myself. I'm ashamed to say, the old me would have just gone along with my partner (I was in an abusive relationship before). I know I would feel sh*t telling my son - oh by the way, you can't stay now, because my partner will be here. I think my partner would feel crap if I did the same to him. So, on one level that feels good that I did that. However I now have to deal with this man who's got the hump (a lot).

It's actually pointless to argue with him anymore. I had a long discussion with him today about whether he actually wants to mend the relationship with my daughter - it sounds like he doesn't, he keeps dragging up the past. Of course my daughter has to do her part as well - but as a teen, I know emotional maturity isn't always a strong point. I expect us to be the adults and to show her what good adult behaviour looks like.

Anyway I'm rambling now. Don't know what to do now - if my son comes it will be awkward and I don't want him to feel put out. I also don't want my partner to feel ostracised in his own home.

For the record, my partner and I have a good relationship most of the time - just not when issues around families and my daughter come up. Not trying to minimise it - just trying to say he's not a monster - I wouldn't be with him if he were.

Just venting and wondering as per my question - have I got this wrong, am I being unreasonable or is he?

Thanks

OP posts:

NegativeNelly · 13/12/2021 19:13

No you definitely should not give in and uninvite your son. Your partner and daughter don't get on, whose to say if you uninvite your son and he finds out why it causes a bad relationship between them two as well! Why isn't he making an effort to build the family and get you altogether at xmas? Teenagers are going to be difficult ffs

bucketsoflove · 13/12/2021 19:14

@HollowTalk

I only had to read a few lines to know this was going to be a LTB situation. Put your children first. Always.

Me too. You must prioritise your children over this man. Glad you're working on your boundaries OP, your DD sounds like a smart girl!

wishymore · 13/12/2021 19:15

What’s going to happen when you have grandchildren? You’re literally ruining your life/future by staying with this arsehole. His behaviour is disgusting. I would advise to get out now before your daughter decides to have no more to do with you because of this.

wishymore · 13/12/2021 19:16

and don’t lose your 3 precious days with your son. Find an Airbnb or hotel? Do it that way. Super fun that doesn’t include your partner

Darkpheonix · 13/12/2021 19:23

I don't say this often. But you to dump him.

Your dd isn't the problem. He is the problem.

Telling you to uninvited your son? That's awful.

You need to actually put your kids first and finish the relationship.

Since he doesn't get on with your dd, I would presume he doesn't live there so splitting should be easier than it could be.

AnneElliott · 13/12/2021 19:28

I agree with all the pp - I think this is abusive. Don't let him come between your kids and you - you may never recover the relationship with them.

I don't often say this but you need to LTB.

CactusLemonSpice · 13/12/2021 20:21

Your OP made me feel a bit sad because it sounds like you are taking on board way too much of this man's negativity towards you.

I am not at all convinced by him conveniently forgetting conversations, or being 'confused' between listening and agreeing. I actually think he is gas lighting you. He's also basically saying if you don't agree with him you must not understand. It is also inappropriate to bring up issues from the past that have been resolved. Why, just to grind you down?

This makes me concerned about the issue between him and your daughter. I wonder if he has pressured you into accepting this stalemate, when really he seems to want to push your children out.

He sounds quite controlling and emotionally abusive. He is also isolating you.

The fact you're considering telling your son to stay for less time is telling. This man is making it feel easier to cancel on your son on his birthday and Christmas than to say no to him. That is not healthy. He should not be making you feel that way.

So much about this story is concerning. Are the kids at their dads Christmas day so your partner doesn't have to see your daughter? What makes him more important?

I'm not blaming you for this by the way, he is at fault and seems to have worn you down. But you need to seek support and look at his behaviour closely before he drives your children out completely.

Original poster

inthemiddlemum · 13/12/2021 21:12

Just to be clear - if you read my original message - he is not saying to uninvite him, completely but has said he would prefer if he doesn’t stay the night - that he can come every day if he wants. I fail to see the logic in this tbh and it is still absolutely not acceptable in my eyes as it’s my son’s birthday and he would be really hurt.

OP posts:

Darkpheonix · 13/12/2021 21:13

@inthemiddlemum

You invited him to stay.

So you will be uninviting him. Your dp wants you to take back the invitation to stay over night.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2021 21:19

@inthemiddlemum

He's saying to uninvite him from the event you planned aka him staying over.

You're minimising / defending him (your kneejerk reaction to me saying that will be to deny it but try to be objective) and I'm curious as to why, when it should be clear from people's responses on here that your 'partner' is being objectively unkind and selfish, while also attempting to put distance between you and your children.

Can you see that's what he is doing? And can you imagine how that feels already for your daughter? And how it would also feel for your son?

I would guess your daughter has the measure of him and that's exactly why he doesn't like her. He's a bloke. She is your daughter, your child. How can you be with a bloke who actively dislikes her and doesn't want her around?

EKGEMS · 14/12/2021 00:18

Tell the asshole to drop dead.Twice. Imagine not worrying during the holidays whether a grown ass man will get his fee-feelings hurt from your teenage daughter's mere existence. He has the emotional maturity of a slug

Fireflygal · 14/12/2021 01:30

@inthemiddlemum, your partner is displaying the traits of a covert narcissist. Hallmarks are never resolving arguments, grudge holding and having his needs put first. He has attempted to alienate your daughter and has now started on your son. Once you are alone, without outside support, he is likely to turn against you as narcissists thrive on conflict whereas you will feel drained by arguments. Over time they wear you down as it is emotionally exhausting.

When you see the pattern in his behaviour its difficult to unsee. Do some research and I suspect you'll have lightbulb moments. Dr Elinor Greenberg, Dr Ramani are useful resources. Therapy does not work for narcissists as it's a personality style. I lived a life like this as completely unaware of narcissism and assumed I could find a compromise. You can't...nothing works as he isn't seeking mutuality, he wants his needs to dominate.

GutsInMay · 14/12/2021 01:43

So does your teen Dd not live with you? And is that because of him?

Good grief, who does he think he is? Swapping and changing his arrangements and then expecting everyone else to change to suit? Telling you you can’t have your own children staying in your home?

Ineedaduvetday · 14/12/2021 04:08

he is not saying to uninvite him, completely but has said he would prefer if he doesn’t stay the night

Same thing really. Having it his way regardless of anyone else.

Blossom64265 · 14/12/2021 04:25

It is not acceptable to hold a grievance with a minor when you are in anything resembling a parental role. We may feel anger when facing challenging moments with our children, but we have to focus on putting those feelings aside and doing our best to teach our children to be good people.

You can not simply stand idly by and leave your teenage daughter to navigate resolving a damaged relationship with someone you have chosen to place in her home. This isn’t your daughter’s problem to fix.

waterrat · 14/12/2021 05:14

Op this sounds really a sad situation. Your daughter needs to come first not a man child holding on to grudges.

Please find a way to get him out of your life so you can put your children back into the heart of your life where they belong

zeklen · 14/12/2021 05:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster

inthemiddlemum · 14/12/2021 05:52

Thank you all - you have all said some excellent things which I am going to hold on to and remember to say if/when needed and the time is right. I should have spotted the signs earlier and I really regret being so wet and pathetic. My ex was a total narc but it was very extreme behaviour so it was really easy to identify once I was educated. In this relationship it's a lot more subtle - I'll look into covert narcissism. I think @fireflygal you put it really well - I've tried to reason with him and it's exhausting, but really there is no point trying to reason or explain. He says he hates drama and conflict but he always creates it. He's absolutely okay if it's just me and him... so there you go, yes he is trying to unsubtly drive my kids away. I feel so stupid and pathetic for drinking "the Kool Aid" and trying to defend his actions. Yes, @Blossom62465 - you put it really well - it is not acceptable to hold a grievance with a minor... i've tried telling him this, but I never seem to put it as strongly. Everyone's words have been really excellent. I just wish I had done this sooner. I wish getting out of this situation could be easier - but will have to find a way. Thank you.

OP posts:

BourbonScreams · 14/12/2021 06:18

Your poor daughter ):

Please find a way to give her a home she can feel comfortable and accepted in. I didn't have that growing up and it lead me down all sorts of dark paths.

MultiStorey · 14/12/2021 06:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowstardrops · 14/12/2021 06:46

Ditch him. Honestly.
Put your children and yourself first and feel that happiness again.

itspartytime · 14/12/2021 07:01

I can see why your daughter and he don't get on . He's a dick and she's spotted it .

updownroundandround · 14/12/2021 07:25

@inthemiddlemum

I'm so happy you can see that what he's doing is not OK, and it's not your 'fault' either.

Tell him that you're still having your son to stay for 3 nights, as planned, and if he's not happy about it, then he can just make himself some new bloody plans for himself !

Then totally grey rock him if he even tries to bring up the subject again.

'We've already discussed this, and made our plans. Nothing is changing.'
'If you're not happy, you're free to make alternative plans for yourself'.
'There's nothing more to discuss.'

Carry on with your plans to have your kids for Xmas, and I'd also be telling them that you love them and that they'll always have a 'home' at your house too.

Start the New Year with a New cast iron set of boundaries too

You can begin to plan for your future without this man. A future that very much includes your children, no matter how old they are.

Have a fantastic Christmas !

MatildaIThink · 14/12/2021 07:43

It seems like you have someone who is mentally less mature than your children, that is never a good idea.

Fireflygal · 14/12/2021 08:39

@inthemiddlemum, it may take time to extricate yourself but if you're focused you'll get there.

Ex is now with a woman who has 2 teen/young adults. I hear, from my dc, now he is picking faults with one son, interestingly it's the youngest who has to be at home. The behaviours of the son could be slightly annoying but Ex has written off the son completely. Covert (or vulnerable) narcissists have to have control to feel comfortable but it's subtle and they often present as the victim. Of course they can also be charming, competent, responsible so it takes longer to determine what you are dealing with.

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