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Original poster

The pick me dance

61 replies

DressingPafe · 12/12/2021 22:08

I have read literally dozens of threads on here about infidelity and many posts mention, “don’t do the pick me dance”. I do sort of understand why. It allows you to retain your dignity. It puts you in a stronger position etc. I can see all the arguments for it. I don’t necessarily need any convincing on it. But equally, is it always the best advice?

The one person I was close to, who was cheated on badly (it was her so called best friend), established relationship, multiple DC etc. She cried and begged him not to leave her. Apparently at one point threw herself to the floor and held his legs to stop him leaving! At the time, I was a bit, wtf! Have some self respect woman. But he did stay with her. It’s now 20 years on from the affair. They’re happy and, as far as I am aware, he hasn’t cheated on her again. Had she followed MN advice he’d have been off living with the other woman and she’d have been devastated.

I know in an ideal world the scorned woman would end up either with a man who treated her much better or would be embracing a single life. But that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes women do never get over it. I personally couldn’t stay with a cheater, as I’d never know another days peace because I just wouldn’t trust them. But is that advice right for absolutely everyone? I’m not sure.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 12/12/2021 22:09

It's not because she acted like that that he stayed. He stayed because that was the better option for him.

If someone really wants to leave, then they do. Especially men.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2021 22:11

How much do you really know about the 20 years they’ve had since? What’s the power balance like?

If DH disrespected me enough to fuck another woman I don’t like to think I’d add to my humiliation by literally lying on the floor grabbing at his ankles. Poor thing.

Darkpheonix · 12/12/2021 22:14

No I think its always good advice.

But then I refuse to engage on any sort of fighting or convincing in relationships.

If I have to beg or convince someone to be in my life, I don't want them in my life.

Its completely likely your friend would be very happy now without him. Unless her happiness only depends on his presence in her life. I wouldn't want my happiness to depend, entirely on my dp.

Any partner who expressed they weren't sure they wanted to be with me, would be (and have been) shown the door.

Original poster
DressingPafe · 12/12/2021 22:18

On a personal level I agree with you. As I say, I wouldn’t stay with a cheater, I’m just questioning whether that’s right for absolutely everyone.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 12/12/2021 22:20

It's never a good idea to beg. The cheater will either stay or they won't, begging will make no difference.

TheFoundations · 12/12/2021 22:20

I think this is a bit like saying 'Is it really good advice not to smoke? My grandma's 98 and she's smoked since she was 20...'

Somebody doing a thing and their life going well aren't always necessarily correlated. Some people are lucky. Maybe Grandma has all kinds of health issues we don't know about. Maybe your friend's partner would have left, and then come back crawling to her.

If your friend had followed MN advice, she'd have been heartbroken, yes, at the time, and I don't think anybody on MN gives that advice expecting the OP to follow through with it with a smile on their face. It's hard to leave. But now, she'd potentially be in a relationship with a man who made her just as happy (or more happy) than she is now, who had always respected her, their relationship, and who she had never had to beg for anything. I know which position I'd rather be in.

luverlybubberly · 12/12/2021 22:24

Sometimes you see posts on here where people can't leave because they are scared about what the other person will do. That's not a reasonable way to be in a relationship

luverlybubberly · 12/12/2021 22:25

I wonder if your friend behaves differently now compared to pre affair? Some couples turn a blind eye to their spouse cheating so that they remain married

Doyoumind · 12/12/2021 22:27

If he stayed it was because he wanted to. I doubt begging and crying has any impact on the long term outcome. You can't make someone feel something for you that they don't. If she hadn't begged, he would likely have come crawling back anyway.

Lana07 · 12/12/2021 22:34

Most MN's advice is to leave after the slightest disagreement and hardly ever to try to work on the marriage/relations improving communication and quality of peaceful happy family life.

If there is abuse, yes, it's important to stop the cycle and leave but in many cases, it's not that bad.

Lana07 · 12/12/2021 22:34

and often the grass is not greener at all

Original poster
DressingPafe · 12/12/2021 22:35

I am separating my personal feelings from my post. Playing Devils advocate I guess. I did think she was a fool at the time, although I kept my thoughts to myself. But not every woman is strong and independent. In an ideal world they would be. In an ideal world it wouldn’t be so damn hard to go it alone. But we don’t live in an ideal world. So maybe sometimes people just have to do what’s right for them at the time.

OP posts:
Darkpheonix · 12/12/2021 23:05

So maybe sometimes people just have to do what’s right for them at the time.

That's true.

But that doesn't make the advice wrong.

AnFiaRuaNua · 12/12/2021 23:09

I'd also wonder what the dynamic of the relationship was like after he stayed.

Was she cast in the role of having to be grateful for his presence?

20 years of being grateful for a recalcitrant man's presence is not better than seeing him skip out the door for another woman but being over it and back on your feet stronger within 2 years.

AnFiaRuaNua · 12/12/2021 23:10

reluctant man I mean!

AnFiaRuaNua · 12/12/2021 23:12

people have to do what's right for them but is it such a ''win'' that a man who cheated on you stays?

I would say no. I would say heal, empower yourself, bounce back. Can you properly achieve that when you're cast in the role of having to be grateful he stayed? How long do you have to be grateful?

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 12/12/2021 23:20

I agree with other posters, if a man chooses not to leave it’s because he’s decided that’s his best option for the future, nothing to do with whether he is begged to stay. All worked out for your friend, but think about how she would be feel if he’d left after all that? Better or worse than if she hadn’t begged him to stay? That’s the flip side of the coin. I’m not saying staying with someone who has cheated can’t be the right thing to do in some cases but I don’t think it’s ever wise to lose your dignity over the whole thing.

megustalacerveza · 13/12/2021 00:37

@FortunesFave

It's not because she acted like that that he stayed. He stayed because that was the better option for him.

If someone really wants to leave, then they do. Especially men.

Bingo!

When I discovered my ex was cheating, he begged and begged me to reconsider dumping him. Even texted me a week later point black asking me if there was really no chance I'd have him back before he started officially dating the other woman.

I always laugh when I think of that silly woman. They're still together now but imagine the humiliation of literally being second best and only chosen because I dumped him. I'm sure he spun her some yarn and made her think he'd left me for her, but I know the truth.

Grimsknee · 13/12/2021 04:30

I've always thought of the pick-me dance as not just one instance of begging "please pick me" and the cheater picking them (which seems to be what happened with your friend?) but more an ongoing "dance" which is why it's called that.
Where the betrayed person finds out about the affair, wants to work on marriage, the cheater comes back, agrees to give it another try, but continues to stay in contact with the AP, maybe even continues cheating, the betrayed finds out, begs again, cheater agrees to keep trying, cheats again, comes back, ad nauseum.

It is literally ad nauseum, it's truly sickening. This dance happened to a family member of mine for a year before they finally told the cheater it was over. It was devastating. Left them traumatised and in pieces far more than the initial shock of the affair.

Tiredofbs123 · 13/12/2021 06:18

When I see don’t do the ‘pick me dance’ I think of it as just breaking the drama triangle affairs invariably cause. The OW/OM has been doing the pick me dance for some time prior to Dday, suddenly the BS finds out and they join this ridiculous fight for the ‘prize’. The drama triangle/ pick me dance supplies the cheat with lots of ego kibbles which mean they want to keep the affair alive and will and play the betrayed. Breaking the drama triangle can save the marriage as often as it can lead to the cheat leaving. But what it does do is stop the abuse from the affair continuing.

Your case is a man who would have stayed anyway.

Shoxfordian · 13/12/2021 06:31

Maybe your friend and her husband have a great relationship now; maybe he’s still cheating on her just hasn’t been caught yet!

I would never want a man to pick me in this case: we would be over

brittanyfairies · 13/12/2021 06:33

When I found out my H was having an affair, I didn't say a word, it was clear the marriage was at an end, I instructed solicitors etc. However, in one of our many heated arguments during the divorce there was one thing he said that I'll never forget. He said, "You never even begged me to stay".

To me it's clear I didn't play his game, I imagine if I'd begged he would have come back and we would have continued our miserable existence, however because I didn't play he stuck with and married his girlfriend. From what he says to my DS he isn't too happy, I on the other hand am delighted I didn't play the pick me dance and be lumbered with him for the rest of my life.

KatherineJaneway · 13/12/2021 06:50

When you respond to a request for advice on an MN thread, you can only go by what you are told by the OP and what you believe the best advice would be.

The pick me dance is often a knee jerk reaction and might not be for the best.

AnFiaRuaNua · 13/12/2021 07:15

@brittanyfairies wow "you never even begged me to stay"
Eye opening!

AnFiaRuaNua · 13/12/2021 07:17

@tiredofbs123 so true. By doing the pick me dance you'd go in to victom mode and the ow would be persecutor and the cheating arse gets to be saviour by saying ok i will stay.

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