The pick me dance

[DressingPafe]

I have read literally dozens of threads on here about infidelity and many posts mention, “don’t do the pick me dance”. I do sort of understand why. It allows you to retain your dignity. It puts you in a stronger position etc. I can see all the arguments for it. I don’t necessarily need any convincing on it. But equally, is it always the best advice?

The one person I was close to, who was cheated on badly (it was her so called best friend), established relationship, multiple DC etc. She cried and begged him not to leave her. Apparently at one point threw herself to the floor and held his legs to stop him leaving! At the time, I was a bit, wtf! Have some self respect woman. But he did stay with her. It’s now 20 years on from the affair. They’re happy and, as far as I am aware, he hasn’t cheated on her again. Had she followed MN advice he’d have been off living with the other woman and she’d have been devastated.

I know in an ideal world the scorned woman would end up either with a man who treated her much better or would be embracing a single life. But that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes women do never get over it. I personally couldn’t stay with a cheater, as I’d never know another days peace because I just wouldn’t trust them. But is that advice right for absolutely everyone? I’m not sure.

I've unfortunately seen the begging twice. My sister, her husband left her at xmas 2 years ago, she literally was at his feet asking him not to leave her, he did.
Now she is happy in a new relationship, ex dh misserable and alone and has absolutely no time for kids and as he is self employed for him self he claims he has no money for them also

Another one a other women was involved, she begged him not to leave, what she would do to her self if he did, he stayed, she now lives with the fact he told he loved someone else and not her, she knows he stayed out of guilt and she wont dare upset him incase he leaves, she has had to break free from family and friends as they kept telling her to leave. A very unhappy and misserable family where she lives in hope he will love her if she can just be the perfect wife

@RachelTheRedNosedReindeer I think we qre talking g at cross purposes because this thread is about wether the pick me dance can be worth doing.

We as you are talking more generally.

The more general advice here won't work for everyone. I don't think it ever can. And people give advice from their own situation and their own opinions. Leaving isn't right right everyone. Sometimes staying is what they want. Lots of times they want to stay our of panic and fear. It's difficult.

But, as to the pick me dance, I don't think it's ever worth doing.

@Muddlebubble you see, I that second situation its become almost like the woman is abusing him and herself. Forcing him to stay our of guilt and gear of her hurting herself. Abusing herself as she is now forced to try and be this person she isn't.

Awful situation all round.

The more general advice here won't work for everyone. I don't think it ever can.

@Darkpheonix IDK I think I've learned a lot from being on here and the general vibe about how to deal with men being shit etc.

I agree with @Darkpheonix I think the ‘don’t do the pick me dance’ is pretty much the best advice you can give a newly betrayed when its in its truest form, not just another way of shouting LTB.

It’s basically saying don’t devalue yourself. It’s saying don’t engage in the dance that the cheat and affair partner have been engaged in for weeks/months/years (without your knowledge), it’s saying ‘I am BETTER that this’.

It’s a win win all round, you LTB you’ve never cried or begged for someone worthless, as PP on here have shown. You reconcile, you’re reconciling knowing that your spouse fought for you and showed remorse to repair their marriage. It helps reset the balance. It gives you space to also truly consider what YOU want and not what they want OR what society wants for you.

It's very very sad.

I really think that people put too much trust in advice from anonymous forums. Sometimes it is good advice but more often than not it is goading, aggressive advice.
I think that in such a sensitive area of relationships we should strive to listen and encourage the poster to talk to someone in real life.
There is not enough data space in the world to fully describe your relationship and remember we are seeing a heavily edited subjective version.
Often the supportive pps are lost in the vitriol against the whole male population. Frequently ops are overwhelmed at a time when all they want to do is vent.
Obviously abuse is an exception, but again advice should be to give useful, acute solutions.
I’ve noticed that posting late at night produces a different sort of thread to those posted during the day.
Maybe it’s time mumsnet lost its anonymous status. Having spent the last 4 months on a support forum for breast cancer I have realised that advice from someone who has a face and identity is far easier to accept.
I know that the whole point is to support anonymously but that does invite people to say what they like and without the normal social filters.

I think there are arguments to be had for fighting for your relationship but not in the case of affairs/cheating. There is no fight to be had because it's not for the relationship, it's with someone else, over someone else.

I know in my case, when I discovered my ex's affair, i didn't even discuss options. I packed his bag and told him to leave that same day. If he was prepared to throw away what had been a good marriage and family unit for many years for the sake of a bit of excitement then he was free to go and be with her. Which he did, until that excitement wore off. He knew me better though than to expect me to beg for him. He might not have thought I was worth more but I did.

As soon as you start the pick me dance you lose.

Even if you 'win' the cheating prize of a man, he then knows that he can cheat, and you will still dance and beg him back. And you know it too.

Fair enough, if you think financial security is worth your peace of mind.

If you have to stoop so low to ask someone to pick you, thats not love.
Thats codependancy, low self esteem and fear of change.

It’s the best advice because you should never EVER have to convince a shit human (a cheater) to choose you.