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Original poster

Help me please - argument with DH

73 replies

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 07:38

Dh went out on Friday, had a lie in on Saturday that lasted until mid afternoon. I spent all of Saturday looking after our dc 2 and 3. No issue as I had a night out booked for Saturday and knew I'd have my lie in/day off.

Went on my night out. Wasn't wild. Home by 10:15, watched some TV and in bed by midnight. Woken at 5:30 by DC crying. Dh didn't hear so I went to check. Went to spare room and then tossed and turned and eventually dozed off. Woken at 6:30 by other DC screaming and shouting mama. DH didn't wake again so I phoned him (bedrooms on different floors) to ask him to take her downstairs as she normally wakes by this time.

DH was pissed off I'd called. Said he was waiting for her to stop screaming and come to bed so he could read to her. She obviously didn't just stop screaming of her own accord so I went up. Cuddled her, calmed her down. Took her to dh and asked him to take her down stairs, which I knew she wanted to do and was the reason she was screaming.

He shouted that I was being controlling and took DC who immediately started screaming again. I went back to bed, hopeful that she would calm down and I'd get my lie in. She screamed more and more. It was quite upsetting to hear. I went back up and DH was in bed trying to read to her. Like, he has this idea of a nice morning would be to lie in bed for an hour reading books, which is true, but he was trying to force that vision on to DD who was not complying but he wasn't amending his plan to suit the child in front of him. He was just going to keep reading books while she screamed and cried till she was blue in the face.

He was angry that I'd come back up. He threw the book across the room and took Dd downstairs. She was still screaming. She came straight upstairs to where I was in bed and got into bed with me.

DH has gone out. Didn't say where, not sure when he'll be back.

We're both so unhappy. It's like a huge rift has formed between us. I posted earlier in the week about other problems but honestly feels like a never ending struggle. I can't say this out loud yet but I'm ready to leave him. This feels so hard and I really struggle to think of things I like about him. I don't think he likes me very much or enjoys being married to me.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 12/12/2021 07:50

You've identified the problem - his rigidity and lack of empathy and responsiveness to others' needs.

Throwing a book in front of a child is pretty bad.

'Screaming' sounds very dramatic, like pain or distress, rather than just shouting for someone, or crying for a short time. Is that what you mean, real screaming? Because I (and I think any parent) would respond instantly to screaming, as it would signal something immediately, badly wrong.

I'd need to understand how much crying or shouting is normal in your children's morning routines, to understand this situation fully.

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2021 08:09

It sounds like you’re all unhappy with the situation

What steps can you take to improve it? Consider if this is really what you want from your husband

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:12

Thanks for your reply. Feel so isolated this morning. When I get up with my kids, we come downstairs, they play, eat breakfast, have a few cartoons. I get them dressed and eventually get out of the house, if we're going somewhere, with zero tears. They argue with each other and sometimes that causes tears but never scream or cry in protest of what I need them to do.

She was screaming this morning. Like the level up from crying. She started by whining, calling out mama, quickly went to crying, which is when I went up and screaming when he was trying to read to her.

OP posts:

MalbecandToast · 12/12/2021 08:15

How long has it been difficult between you?

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:21

@shoxfordian I'm really not sure. We seem to butt heads a lot. I'm really surprised he called me controlling and feel like we could do with talking about that. I don't think of myself as controlling but if I think he is doing something to exacerbate one of them being upset, (like forcing them to sit in bed and listen to stories) I'll always tell him.

OP posts:

EB9318 · 12/12/2021 08:24

I went through something similar, I felt like I didn't have enough support from my husband and a lot of resentment built up and I was really unhappy. I felt like I had to stay with him for our child and that thought process makes you feel really trapped.

I sat down with him and said what was upsetting me and what needed to change or I was leaving. We had weeks of arguments and unpleasant conversations but it felt good to air my grievances and also hear the thinks I do that are frustrating him. We never knew half the stuff we were doing was upsetting each other or the reasons behind certain behaviours or actions.

We aren't back to a perfect place, but it's a happier home with better communication. Communication is key!

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:25

@malbecandtoast probably, honestly, since first dc was born 3.5 years ago. She has always been a mummy's girl, very very resistant to her dad, which he has found difficult.

OP posts:

turnthemintojelly · 12/12/2021 08:26

[quote Samiamnot]@shoxfordian I'm really not sure. We seem to butt heads a lot. I'm really surprised he called me controlling and feel like we could do with talking about that. I don't think of myself as controlling but if I think he is doing something to exacerbate one of them being upset, (like forcing them to sit in bed and listen to stories) I'll always tell him. [/quote]
My husband was like this, and I would like you correct him if he was upsetting them, then he’d get cross with me. People said to leave it and ‘let him find his own way’ but he was worse than that. It turns out that men with zero empathy who always put their own needs first are terrible with little children!

Thegreencup · 12/12/2021 08:27

Look at it another way. His style of parenting is not the same as yours. He is never going to do everything exactly the same as you are. Do you allow him to get on with being a parent in his own way and accept it is not what you would do? Or do you always interject instead of letting him get on with it.

I know my opinion on this will not be popular on MN. But if your DH constantly told you that you were parenting your kids wrong, how you think it would make you feel?

turnthemintojelly · 12/12/2021 08:27

And I’d also add that my husband does and did exactly the same when it was my turn for a lie in- well, that was when lots of the issues became apparent.

Kittykat93 · 12/12/2021 08:28

Why didn't he just take her downstairs? Just sat reading when she's screaming is a very odd thing to do. Not going to lie, I think a lot of this is just the stress of having young children. My ex husband and I didn't survive the young years of our children and we split up. We were bickering constantly, always knackered and had no time for eachother, arguing about differences in parenting. I'm much happier now we aren't together but can also see why our relationship suffered..having young children is so difficult but you need to try and work together.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/12/2021 08:28

Right, so the screaming was a protest against and distress at being ignored.

The 'controlling' accusation is a projection. He knows he's being inflexible and failing to listen or respond to others' needs, he thinks you're going to mention this, so he's getting his counter-accusation in first.

He may genuinely think he has a 'way of parenting' that is just different from yours. It reads like he still hasn't adjusted to parenting (do you do more of it?) and hasn't understood, deep down, that the children's needs come first, even when that's really inconvenient for him.

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:30

Thanks @EB9318 it's good to hear you've come through the other side. I feel like we've had the big conversation a few weeks times. Things get better for a while but then slowly get worse again.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 12/12/2021 08:32

Oh, having read your updates, he's expressing his frustration with your dd for not 'childing' the way he wants her to and for failing to appreciate him. Further, he's punishing her for this, by adopting a 'battle of wills' approach, rather than recognise that she is just a little child and that being kind to her is the more likely path to a good relationship.

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:34

@thegreencup this is why I need to ask him about this. I really don't think I do comment on or criticise his parenting. If anything, he is overly reliant on me. Always asking me if they're tired, if they want more food at dinner, if they need a drink. I always have to tell him to just ask them as they cam both understand and speak for themselves.

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 12/12/2021 08:35

So you’ve had the conversations and nothing changes.
Resentment is kicking in.
Time to get your ducks in a row and make a plan in your head.

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:40

@Kittykat93

Yes - I feel like I'm always questioning whether this stuff will just get easier when the kids are older or if I will regret not leaving him now and enjoying my life more. Things are so much easier when he's not around but I also don't underestimate how good it is to have a partner, to talk to about tje girls, to split life admin with etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:42

@lottiegarbanzo

Right, so the screaming was a protest against and distress at being ignored.

I think this is spot on. I do most of the parenting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:45

@lottiegarbanzo

Hit the nail on the head again. And I think this is what happened with older dc too and is why she is/was so resistant to him. He doesn't parent the children in front of him. He parents his idea of a biddable child.

OP posts:

inksinkbink · 12/12/2021 08:46

I don't know if you are ready to hear this but... your post made my heart sink and I felt a horrible flashback to what my life used to be like. My life used to be very like this. It is awful trying hard to make things better but they don't get better. He parents less well than you and you can't sit back. I felt exactly like this.

I am not in that situation now as we split up. It was both terrible and wonderful. Terrible to live through (beyond words) but so wonderful to have a lovely life of my own choosing at the other side. I have such a lovely time with my children. Later I met someone else who is gentle and kind and there are never any arguments in our house.

You deserve better but it is a hard road getting there. In my opinion it is worth it as living with daily stress like that is absolutely the worst option. Wishing you the very best.

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:46

@GoodnightGrandma

So you’ve had the conversations and nothing changes. Resentment is kicking in. Time to get your ducks in a row and make a plan in your head.

What does get your ducks in a row actually mean? What do I actually do?

OP posts:

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:47

Thank you so much for all your replies by the way. I'm really grateful.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2021 08:52

He wasn’t doing anything harmful to her really, he was trying to read to her; she clearly didn’t want to be read to

Maybe you should leave him to it more often, you don’t necessarily need to intervene just because he’s doing something differently to you or because your child’s having a tantrum

Original poster

Samiamnot · 12/12/2021 08:57

@Shoxfordian

He wasn’t doing anything harmful to her really, he was trying to read to her; she clearly didn’t want to be read to

Maybe you should leave him to it more often, you don’t necessarily need to intervene just because he’s doing something differently to you or because your child’s having a tantrum

To be completely honest, I wasn't intervening because she was having a tantrum. It was because it was my morning for a lie in and I wanted him to stop her screaming the house down so that I could sleep after being woken up twice before 7am.

OP posts:

Shedmistress · 12/12/2021 08:58

How long would he sit there with a screaming child if you don't go and rescue them?

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