Help me please - argument with DH

[Samiamnot]

Dh went out on Friday, had a lie in on Saturday that lasted until mid afternoon. I spent all of Saturday looking after our dc 2 and 3. No issue as I had a night out booked for Saturday and knew I'd have my lie in/day off.

Went on my night out. Wasn't wild. Home by 10:15, watched some TV and in bed by midnight. Woken at 5:30 by DC crying. Dh didn't hear so I went to check. Went to spare room and then tossed and turned and eventually dozed off. Woken at 6:30 by other DC screaming and shouting mama. DH didn't wake again so I phoned him (bedrooms on different floors) to ask him to take her downstairs as she normally wakes by this time.

DH was pissed off I'd called. Said he was waiting for her to stop screaming and come to bed so he could read to her. She obviously didn't just stop screaming of her own accord so I went up. Cuddled her, calmed her down. Took her to dh and asked him to take her down stairs, which I knew she wanted to do and was the reason she was screaming.

He shouted that I was being controlling and took DC who immediately started screaming again. I went back to bed, hopeful that she would calm down and I'd get my lie in. She screamed more and more. It was quite upsetting to hear. I went back up and DH was in bed trying to read to her. Like, he has this idea of a nice morning would be to lie in bed for an hour reading books, which is true, but he was trying to force that vision on to DD who was not complying but he wasn't amending his plan to suit the child in front of him. He was just going to keep reading books while she screamed and cried till she was blue in the face.

He was angry that I'd come back up. He threw the book across the room and took Dd downstairs. She was still screaming. She came straight upstairs to where I was in bed and got into bed with me.

DH has gone out. Didn't say where, not sure when he'll be back.

We're both so unhappy. It's like a huge rift has formed between us. I posted earlier in the week about other problems but honestly feels like a never ending struggle. I can't say this out loud yet but I'm ready to leave him. This feels so hard and I really struggle to think of things I like about him. I don't think he likes me very much or enjoys being married to me.

OP,

You need to quietly get yourself into a stronger position.

Accumulate money quietly, perhaps leave cash safely at a parents?

Return to work?

Will your children be eligible for free childcare hours?

Start thinking about your exit plan.

Accumulating copies of all pay slips and finances etc. would be good to gather and leave in a safe place.

Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst is wisest with a marriage in trouble like yours is.

@Cheerbear24

I’m going to go against the grain a bit here… your DD is 3.5 right? I think it would be a good thing if she could entertain herself for a little while in a morning, in the same room as a parent, and it’s not a bad thing to encourage a little playing in the bedroom so you can all wake up properly. I certainly did this with my kids, either bring toys in and they quietly play next to us on the floor, have the tv on low for a bit or yes even read for a bit. Yes it will make his life a little bit easier but it doesn’t mean everyone has to immediately jump out of bed and go down, it introduces a quiet start to the day. However leaving a child to scream is obviously unacceptable and he needs to respond before it gets to that stage. He could have said let’s have a read for 10 mins, then we’ll go down, ok? Get DD to agree to it.

This morning it was DD who is 2 so slightly less understanding.

@black2black

me and my DH have sound similar to your situation. DH seemingly has no empathy for our DS so that when he was crying this morning when DH was telling him to get dressed he just started counting to 3 or it was timeout. Hadn’t thought that maybe DS was tired and needed a cuddle. When I said to him are you tired baby? He said yes and came to me for a cuddle then it was easy to get his clothes on. DH just thinks kids should bend to his will.

I’m on the verge of leaving him so following this thread with interest. I’ve noticed how much mental and physical load I carry and I feel nothing but resentment now.

Sorry to hear that. It down sounds so similar. Hope you figure out what to do.

@Shedmistress

Hmm. Not sure but a long time. Until they wear themselves out.

Honestly it sounds incredibly cruel to do this to a child. And that's not taking into consideration what normal person can sit and listen to that? Does he do this if you are not there as well or are you never 'not there' to rescue them.

What is the actual point of him?

I'm.not sure exactly what happens when I'm not around. He always says it's better and tbh my DM says the same so there definitely is an element of them acting up when they know mummy is an option.

@Guidancillary

If you listen to half the rubbish on here you're relationship will be over in a jiffy. Sit down and talk. There's likely something else happening here. I think there's possibly more to this than meets the eye. Good luck

I'm not at the stage of leaving him right now but I do feel that I am being pushed closer and closer by his behaviour over the last few years.

@thenewduchessofhastings

I don't count a lie in as mid afternoon;that's not a lie in that's just being a lazy twat and dodging responsibility.

And you were never going to get a lie in today;he had intention of that;he heard your DC crying;he's ignored the crying so you'll get up.

Anyway he's successful engineered an argument so he can bugger off out and not be bothered by the inconvenience of actually parenting his own DC and he has another weekend day free of responsibility.

What a wonderful weekend for him whilst you do the grunt work.

These were my thoughts too. It's extremely convenient that he got an excuse to leave you to parent again.

@LannieDuck

Did he tell you he was going out? Or did he just go and leave you to figure it out when the kids started screaming and no-one responded?

I had both kids in the bed with me, I could hear him rustling around downstairs and it sounded like he had a coat and shoes on. I took DD downstairs once we had had had nice cuddle and could see his coat on. So I asked him but he wouldn't have told me.

Thanks again for all your replies. Helping me to see things clearly. He's taken both children out for the morning and I have a few things that I need to do so I'll check back in later today.

I don’t think it’s wrong to try a d occupy children quietly on a weekend as opposed to getting up super early.

I think he’s possibly upset at you trying to dictate how he parents.

Sounds like he came back after going out as you say he’s taken the kids out.

He’s clearly not the monster some people like to make out when they jump on these sorts of threads with all the projection.

Talk to your husband, respect each other’s different parenting styles. There is nothing wrong with two parents doing things differently, that can still be consistent. The only damaging aspect to that would be if the children see division and conflict.

Good luck.

I wouldn't think of leaving but would communicate better more and more and discuss every situation how we both could have coped better.

When the children are older and are less demanding, it will get better and easier. I can promise. Teenage years are a challenge too but with the right approach, it can be dealt well with too.

We had some stressful moments with my husband too because of lack of sleep but we never had a thought to ruin our mainly happy family. We've been married for 16 years, our son is 14.

I agree we should never put up with constant abuse but learning to communicate well with each other is the key to happy relations.

He needs to learn not to run away in a stressful situation but to communicate when he has calmed down instead. He should say: 'Sorry, darling, I need 1-2 hours break and then we can discuss how I could have coped better so I learn from this experience and improve my parenting skills.'

We all live and learn.

Any children can easily ruin any happy marriage with their demands and screaming without realizing it.

Both parents have to stay strong and support each other to survive this stress instead of ruining their relations too soon if generally, it's a good respectful marriage.

Good luck

Sounds like he really didn't want you to have a lie in. How is it some men are selectivity deaf to their children's crying...?

@HadaVerde

I don’t think it’s wrong to try a d occupy children quietly on a weekend as opposed to getting up super early.

I think he’s possibly upset at you trying to dictate how he parents.

Sounds like he came back after going out as you say he’s taken the kids out.

He’s clearly not the monster some people like to make out when they jump on these sorts of threads with all the projection.

Talk to your husband, respect each other’s different parenting styles. There is nothing wrong with two parents doing things differently, that can still be consistent. The only damaging aspect to that would be if the children see division and conflict.

Good luck.

Thank you for this and @Lana07. I'll try to talk this afternoon, see if he's ready.

@Double3xposure

This is strategic incompetence, he’s doing it badly deliberately so you don’t ask him again.

He’s winding you your child so she screams and you have to wake up and come for her.

Then the kids like him less ( because he doesn't meet their needs ) and so they always want you. He can then shrug his shoulders and say “well what I can I do, they want their mum ? “.

Amd he also gets to blame you for being such a soft parent. Maybe with a touch of “ You have undermined me and turned then against me”.

It’s a win win for him.

He gets to do less parenting and more of his own fun things, AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT.

You become tired angry and restentful. So he goes out more. And it’s still ALL YOUR FAULT.

If you ask him to more, you are controlling and nagging .

Genius. He’s a smart guy your husband.

This ...

He's very adoring of his dad, always says he was a great dad, they were best friends. But I've spoken to his siblings who have described being scared of their dad. He was very strict, ruled with fear. Never had friends over to play, not allowed to play out with neighbourhood kids. Lots of extra homework. DH to this day behaves in an odd way regarding his dad. Always wants to please him, will bend plans to suit his father, doesn't want upset him or let him down.

This is very interesting. For one, parents are not there to be their children's best friend, they are there to parent. Secondly, clearly they weren't best friends the relationship between them was/is that your husband submitted/submits to his father in order to gain his approval and keep in his good books.

Your husband thinks his own children should submit to him and do as he says or wants, he wants to rule them the way his father ruled him. He resents the fact the children prefer you, and he sees himself in competition with you to 'win' them to his side.

@BronwenFrideswide

He's very adoring of his dad, always says he was a great dad, they were best friends. But I've spoken to his siblings who have described being scared of their dad. He was very strict, ruled with fear. Never had friends over to play, not allowed to play out with neighbourhood kids. Lots of extra homework. DH to this day behaves in an odd way regarding his dad. Always wants to please him, will bend plans to suit his father, doesn't want upset him or let him down.

This is very interesting. For one, parents are not there to be their children's best friend, they are there to parent. Secondly, clearly they weren't best friends the relationship between them was/is that your husband submitted/submits to his father in order to gain his approval and keep in his good books.

Your husband thinks his own children should submit to him and do as he says or wants, he wants to rule them the way his father ruled him. He resents the fact the children prefer you, and he sees himself in competition with you to 'win' them to his side.

Yes think this is right. I think he's torn between wanting our children to submit to him and wanting to be friends with them. He has really improved in this regard over the last few years but still not got it

What would have happened this morning had you not got up and left him to it?

We've had a talk. Wasn't great, still feels very tense and uncomfortable.

My main points were that when we agree that I'm having a lie in, he needs to make sure that neither child gets to screaming point as it's not possible for me to sleep through that and that when one of them is upset, he needs a better strategy for helping them to calm down as making them sit on his lap while he reads a story is not appropriate.

He agreed and I think he understands but he's holding on to resentment.

Next time you go out, how about staying over? You're bound to get a better lie in, and he will be forced to parent.

Why is he resentful though? He got his night out and a lovely long lie in. You didn’t. By rights it’s you who should be resentful. Does he admit that’s the case? Does he say that he accepts he got his lie in? You’re being treated very unfairly. Does he want to split up and that’s why he’s behaving like this?

I think he's torn between wanting our children to submit to him and wanting to be friends with them. He has really improved in this regard over the last few years but still not got it

Neither is right, they are two extremes. He is a parent not a friend. He is a parent not a dictator.

He agreed and I think he understands but he's holding on to resentment.

I don't think he does agree or understand, hence the resentment. He still sees parenting as a competition he must win against you.

He agreed and I think he understands but he's holding on to resentment.

He resents you not running in after the first 10 seconds and resents you having any time to yourself, that's what this is about.

He's resentful?

We was out friday night and spent most of Saturday in bed, and still couldn't facilitate an hours peaceful lie in with out winding the children up to screeching point?

What a selfish waster.

@Double3xposure has nailed it.

This is invariably how marriages to wasters pan out.

Mind yourself OP and protect yourself.

I’m thinking you do the majority of the childcare? So it seems like he needs to do more (while you’re around) to bond with them? So Dad will get your breakfast. Dad will help you with your shoes. Dad will play your game with you. Just day to day stuff. So they won’t freak out when you either arent there or are having a lie in. You will need to make him do it though as it will be easier for you to just get on with it, but he has to learn.

It will give him confidence too. It’s easy to give up when it seems like the child thinks you’re crap and just wants mummy! It’s soul destroying.

If he starts doing more they will get more comfortable around him rather than cry for you.

He needs to realise that they are little people with wants and likes and dislikes etc just like adults. They have feelings.

I wonder if he did the whole reading in bed thing to avoid making them breakfast? Is he capable of making it? Does he usually avoid it? That would be my starting point.

And when you look at this in the cold light of day, if you do split, he will have them at least two days a week without you so if he doesn’t fancy doing the odd thing now for them he’s in for a shock when he has them on an overnight and has to do everything. Alone.