Help me please - argument with DH

[Samiamnot]

Dh went out on Friday, had a lie in on Saturday that lasted until mid afternoon. I spent all of Saturday looking after our dc 2 and 3. No issue as I had a night out booked for Saturday and knew I'd have my lie in/day off.

Went on my night out. Wasn't wild. Home by 10:15, watched some TV and in bed by midnight. Woken at 5:30 by DC crying. Dh didn't hear so I went to check. Went to spare room and then tossed and turned and eventually dozed off. Woken at 6:30 by other DC screaming and shouting mama. DH didn't wake again so I phoned him (bedrooms on different floors) to ask him to take her downstairs as she normally wakes by this time.

DH was pissed off I'd called. Said he was waiting for her to stop screaming and come to bed so he could read to her. She obviously didn't just stop screaming of her own accord so I went up. Cuddled her, calmed her down. Took her to dh and asked him to take her down stairs, which I knew she wanted to do and was the reason she was screaming.

He shouted that I was being controlling and took DC who immediately started screaming again. I went back to bed, hopeful that she would calm down and I'd get my lie in. She screamed more and more. It was quite upsetting to hear. I went back up and DH was in bed trying to read to her. Like, he has this idea of a nice morning would be to lie in bed for an hour reading books, which is true, but he was trying to force that vision on to DD who was not complying but he wasn't amending his plan to suit the child in front of him. He was just going to keep reading books while she screamed and cried till she was blue in the face.

He was angry that I'd come back up. He threw the book across the room and took Dd downstairs. She was still screaming. She came straight upstairs to where I was in bed and got into bed with me.

DH has gone out. Didn't say where, not sure when he'll be back.

We're both so unhappy. It's like a huge rift has formed between us. I posted earlier in the week about other problems but honestly feels like a never ending struggle. I can't say this out loud yet but I'm ready to leave him. This feels so hard and I really struggle to think of things I like about him. I don't think he likes me very much or enjoys being married to me.

Are you the poster who was complaining that her DH doesn't have the same "soft" parenting style as she does?

If so I think you really need to respect that he has a different approach and is entitled to it.

My DH needed coaching on how to parent flexibly so, what to do when the child doesn't respond as expected basically.
In the heat of the moment it was not possible. But we could have a chat over a cuppa at another clamer time and discuss... this way we reflected what worked and what didn't and things improved.
Not everyone can instinctively parent, my dh learnt hid parenting from his own (not great) but it can be learnt. If he can recognise what he does is not helping (keeps bumping up against the same problem) then hopefully he'd want to know how to adapt to improve things... if he is hands pver ears and eyes then you have a whole different problem and it would be hard to see it ever getting better.

Maybe you could try to find a middle ground. Parenting clashes are hard enough between friends on play dates but your own spouse in your own home - sheesh. If he thinks you are too soft and you think he is too hard, can you compromise and find a middle ground?

If you listen to half the rubbish on here you're relationship will be over in a jiffy. Sit down and talk. There's likely something else happening here. I think there's possibly more to this than meets the eye. Good luck

She was having a tantrum because he wasn’t going in and picking her up and bringing her downstairs?

Why can’t she learn to get herself out of bed and come and find a parent and use her worlds instead of screaming the place down?

Some of it he’s clearly being shit at - the making her read a book - but what you need to do is sit down and agree how lie in mornings are going to work. And stick to that routine. And that means he compromises and you compromise.

I would ignore a child having a tantrum too.

@Shedmistress

How long would he sit there with a screaming child if you don't go and rescue them?

Hmm. Not sure but a long time. Until they wear themselves out.

@BrightonOrLancaster

Are you the poster who was complaining that her DH doesn't have the same "soft" parenting style as she does?

If so I think you really need to respect that he has a different approach and is entitled to it.

Not me. I don't have a soft parenting style at all!

@TopCatsTopHat

My DH needed coaching on how to parent flexibly so, what to do when the child doesn't respond as expected basically. In the heat of the moment it was not possible. But we could have a chat over a cuppa at another clamer time and discuss... this way we reflected what worked and what didn't and things improved. Not everyone can instinctively parent, my dh learnt hid parenting from his own (not great) but it can be learnt. If he can recognise what he does is not helping (keeps bumping up against the same problem) then hopefully he'd want to know how to adapt to improve things... if he is hands pver ears and eyes then you have a whole different problem and it would be hard to see it ever getting better.

I think jes hands over ears. He's very sensitive and hates me making suggestions about anything including non parenting stuff. He extremely competitive, which I think plays a part in it.

@Theremoresefulday

She was having a tantrum because he wasn’t going in and picking her up and bringing her downstairs?

Why can’t she learn to get herself out of bed and come and find a parent and use her worlds instead of screaming the place down?

Some of it he’s clearly being shit at - the making her read a book - but what you need to do is sit down and agree how lie in mornings are going to work. And stick to that routine. And that means he compromises and you compromise.

I would ignore a child having a tantrum too.

She had been in bed with him to start with. She wanted to go downstairs but he wasn't ready to so she left and that's when she started to cry, left the room to look for me.

"Yes - I feel like I'm always questioning whether this stuff will just get easier when the kids are older or if I will regret not leaving him now and enjoying my life more".

When the kids are older; I would ask how old exactly?. Do not kick the can down the road because of them. You also seem to be happier when he is actually not around. And what is he going to be like to his kids when they are of an age when they argue back?.

My husband is like this and it has been extremely difficult parenting with him. He loses it if he is ‘criticised’ and can only really parent in a fake way that’s geared towards him performing/his needs. I’ve come to think he’s not a very good parent. He’s good at earning money though, which is also important for kids. It has been extremely lonely and I don’t love him anymore.

I also disagree with the idea that OP shouldn’t correct really bad parenting (ie stuff that neglects the child’s needs or makes them scream). Of course she should. The idea we should ‘accept’ some men’s terrible parenting in the name of equality seems wrong to me.

I don't count a lie in as mid afternoon;that's not a lie in that's just being a lazy twat and dodging responsibility.

And you were never going to get a lie in today;he had intention of that;he heard your DC crying;he's ignored the crying so you'll get up.

Anyway he's successful engineered an argument so he can bugger off out and not be bothered by the inconvenience of actually parenting his own DC and he has another weekend day free of responsibility.

What a wonderful weekend for him whilst you do the grunt work.

So sorry this sounds shit. I would find it incredibly hard to parent with someone so inflexible.
When you mentioned that he was competitive that also rang alarm bells. What was his family life like growing up?

Getting you ducks in a row -
Do you own or rent your home ? If you rent, whose name is on the tenancy ?
Do either of you have private pensions ?
Do you have your own bank account ? If not, get one. Easy to apply on.one.
Get any child benefits paid into it.
Do you have a job ? If you do, get wages paid into it.
Speak to a family solicitor. The first chat is often free.

I’m going to go against the grain a bit here… your DD is 3.5 right? I think it would be a good thing if she could entertain herself for a little while in a morning, in the same room as a parent, and it’s not a bad thing to encourage a little playing in the bedroom so you can all wake up properly. I certainly did this with my kids, either bring toys in and they quietly play next to us on the floor, have the tv on low for a bit or yes even read for a bit. Yes it will make his life a little bit easier but it doesn’t mean everyone has to immediately jump out of bed and go down, it introduces a quiet start to the day. However leaving a child to scream is obviously unacceptable and he needs to respond before it gets to that stage. He could have said let’s have a read for 10 mins, then we’ll go down, ok? Get DD to agree to it.

me and my DH have sound similar to your situation. DH seemingly has no empathy for our DS so that when he was crying this morning when DH was telling him to get dressed he just started counting to 3 or it was timeout. Hadn’t thought that maybe DS was tired and needed a cuddle. When I said to him are you tired baby? He said yes and came to me for a cuddle then it was easy to get his clothes on. DH just thinks kids should bend to his will.

I’m on the verge of leaving him so following this thread with interest. I’ve noticed how much mental and physical load I carry and I feel nothing but resentment now.

Hmm. Not sure but a long time. Until they wear themselves out.

Honestly it sounds incredibly cruel to do this to a child. And that's not taking into consideration what normal person can sit and listen to that? Does he do this if you are not there as well or are you never 'not there' to rescue them.

What is the actual point of him?

This is strategic incompetence, he’s doing it badly deliberately so you don’t ask him again.

He’s winding you your child so she screams and you have to wake up and come for her.

Then the kids like him less ( because he doesn't meet their needs ) and so they always want you. He can then shrug his shoulders and say “well what I can I do, they want their mum ? “.

Amd he also gets to blame you for being such a soft parent. Maybe with a touch of “ You have undermined me and turned then against me”.

It’s a win win for him.

He gets to do less parenting and more of his own fun things, AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT.

You become tired angry and restentful. So he goes out more. And it’s still ALL YOUR FAULT.

If you ask him to more, you are controlling and nagging .

Genius. He’s a smart guy your husband.

OP,

He spent most of Saturday in bed and is so selfish that he didn't want to do his morning so insisted you child remain in his bed despite being upset.

He clearly is a selfish arse who didn't want you to have a lie in.

He is a waster.
A selfish one.

No decent husband or father remains in bed until the afternoon after a night out.

He sounds awful.
Sounds like his children haven't bonded with him, probably because they can sense who he is.

Forcing a child to sit while you read to them as they cry is deeply unpleasant and the actions of a parent who doesn't know their child nor gives a real damn.

I hope you have support in real life.

Does he believe that small children are trying to manipulate him into doing what they want and he must break them and show them who is in charge? My DP kind of believes this but it doesn’t cause serious issues between us because he instinctively abandons this thought process when he sees our child in serious distress (so when crying goes beyond 2minute tantrum territory). Sometimes you do have to stand firm and ignore a tantrum because what the child wants is ridiculous or dangerous. But wanting to go downstairs and play instead of stay upstairs and read is not one of those occasions.
It’s much easier to be patient when you start from the viewpoint that babies and toddlers are not capable of deliberately manipulating adults. They want or need things. They cry so the adults are aware they want or need the thing. And the adults often give them the thing.
Does your H ever try techniques like giving your child a choice of 2 things, both of which are acceptable to him? So say he doesn’t want your child to watch tv in the mornings. He could say ´we’re not going to watch tv this morning. Do you want to play with X or do you want to read a story?’ Or if the problem is that he wants to stay in bed for another half and hour he could say ´dad’s not ready to go downstairs yet. Do you want to watch a cartoon on the ipad or read a story?’ If your child doesn’t want to put on their shoes to go to the park ´you need to wear shoes. Do you want to take your scooter or your tricycle to the park?’ This works fairly well on my 2 year old. It’s not always instantaneous but it’s a distraction from the initial upset and it gives the kid a choice but still moves things in the direction I need them to go.

I couldn't raise children with someone so rigid, emotionally unresponsive to a child and makes his need to win )over partner or child) the most important thing that drives all his actions.
I'd be looking at ending it with him based on what you've said about this. It sounds unbearable, I certainly couldn't stand by while my child (or any person for that matter) was treated like that.

Did he tell you he was going out? Or did he just go and leave you to figure it out when the kids started screaming and no-one responded?

@turnthemintojelly

My husband is like this and it has been extremely difficult parenting with him. He loses it if he is ‘criticised’ and can only really parent in a fake way that’s geared towards him performing/his needs. I’ve come to think he’s not a very good parent. He’s good at earning money though, which is also important for kids. It has been extremely lonely and I don’t love him anymore.

I also disagree with the idea that OP shouldn’t correct really bad parenting (ie stuff that neglects the child’s needs or makes them scream). Of course she should. The idea we should ‘accept’ some men’s terrible parenting in the name of equality seems wrong to me.

Yes DH, also earns v good money. Life in that respect is plain sailing. I would struggle by myself financially although my family would be able to help.

@bluejelly

So sorry this sounds shit. I would find it incredibly hard to parent with someone so inflexible. When you mentioned that he was competitive that also rang alarm bells. What was his family life like growing up?

He's very adoring of his dad, always says he was a great dad, they were best friends. But I've spoken to his siblings who have described being scared of their dad. He was very strict, ruled with fear. Never had friends over to play, not allowed to play out with neighbourhood kids. Lots of extra homework. DH to this day behaves in an odd way regarding his dad. Always wants to please him, will bend plans to suit his father, doesn't want upset him or let him down.

@GoodnightGrandma

Getting you ducks in a row - Do you own or rent your home ? If you rent, whose name is on the tenancy ? Do either of you have private pensions ? Do you have your own bank account ? If not, get one. Easy to apply on.one. Get any child benefits paid into it. Do you have a job ? If you do, get wages paid into it. Speak to a family solicitor. The first chat is often free.

We own our home. He has a private pension, I have a teacher's. We have joint and separate bank accounts. We both work. Im pt. He earns x4 as much as me and has over £10k in savings. I could work ft but would be v hard if I was by myself as have struggled ft whilst married so can't picture doing that and being a single parent. My family is very supportive and would help as much as I needed with money.