Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL staying the night

71 replies

pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 13:23

I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have an 18 month old together. His family have caused me lots of stress and upset over the years and come in and out of our lives. Before having our daughter I put up with this and managed to rise above it most of the time but since she's been born I'm really struggling to deal with it 😞 it's really upsetting me as I feel it's coming between me and my husband.

My husband just text me to tell me his mum will be staying over night tomorrow for the weekend and I'm really anxious about it! I have horrible anxiety and I don't feel comfortable with her staying over. I spoke to my husband about this but he said he can't tell her she can't stay over. I don't mind her coming round for the day just not overnight.

This is going to ruin my marriage isn't it? I'm becoming so resentful and I'm annoying at myself for not realising I would feel like this after my daughter being born.

She only lives 30 mins away so not far.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 10/12/2021 13:32

OP - it’s hard to tell much from your post.
But in general - I think it’s unreasonable to not allow family a short visit. For you, it for him.
If you really can’t stand her - use this time to spend a bit of time with your friends. Have a night out.
And in general - I think you need to figure out what is happening with you as it’s but healthy

MMmomDD · 10/12/2021 13:32

As it’s ‘NOT’ healthy

BobbieT1999 · 10/12/2021 13:34

As difficult as it might be for him, if your mil is that awful to you then your dh should absolutely be backing you on this.

Mix56 · 10/12/2021 13:36

Keep out if her way,
Tell your H he has to oreoare bed, feed & talk ti her
You organise an evening out
If he is miffed, tell him he didn't consult you either,
Then go out

danorak · 10/12/2021 13:36

I've just left my ex who has a mother like this. DC similar age to yours too. I started seeing through her in pregnancy and since having DC I realised how utterly overbearing, manipulative and unpleasant she is - I'm rather glad to not have to deal with her anymore!

I have no idea why she needs to stay overnight when she only lives 30 minutes away?! Surely a day visit is more than reasonable. Your DH needs to back you up.

Lushplease · 10/12/2021 13:37

Well, I'd not be having people I didn't want staying in my home staying in my home, however you need to be prepared for a blanket ban on any overnight guests.
How would you feel if be said your mother couldn't stay?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 10/12/2021 13:38

What has she done that is so terrible that means you don't mind her in the day but not overnight?

Original poster
pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 13:50

@AllThingsServeTheBeam I deal with her for short visits for my DHs sake but I feel like two whole days and overnight would be too much.

She has done quite a few things to cause me to feel uneasy! She has shouted and called me names, she calls my family names and gets jealous when we see them and not her, she comes in and out of our lives and I'm worried she will do the same to my daughter, she drinks a lot and has driven with my SILs child in the car, she once smacked my dog when she was a puppy for "mouthing" she smashed up my DHs bedroom a couple of times and broke is TV, computer etc when he used to live with her, she kicked him out and he ended up having to live with my parents. She says things that I don't like and leaves dangerous objects around my child. This list goes on....

But I still see her for my DHs sake! I just don't feel comfortable having her over night. I don't feel like I can go to sleep and feel safe as strange as that sounds.

OP posts:
Bushkin · 10/12/2021 13:52

Why is she staying? Especially if she lives nearby, how did that come about?

Original poster
pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 13:55

@Bushkin because she suddenly wants to spend more time with my daughter and she wants to bath her and stuff. Even though she hasn't really wanted to know her for the last 18 months 🙄 I'm worried that my daughter will get attached to her and then she will disappear again.

OP posts:
Original poster
pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 13:59

Oh and my DH didn't ask me if I was okay with her staying, he just told her she could. I just wish he would have asked me first if I was okay with it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2021 14:09

"But I still see her for my DHs sake!"

You do realise this is no basis or reason at all for seeing a relative don't you?. If his mother is too difficult/batshit/crazy making for you to deal with, its the same deal for your child too.

What is his relationship like with his mother these days?. Is he basically afraid of her and even now wants her approval as an adult?. It does appear so.

Mosaic123 · 10/12/2021 14:14

Make sure she is not drunk of she is in charge of your daughter.

Original poster
pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 14:17

@AttilaTheMeerkat I know, I'm quite a nervous, quiet character and I hate confrontation! My husband knows and admits what she has done wrong but obviously still loves her as she is his mum. There is no way I would "win" as you would call it if it came down to me or his mum. His sisters are the same and treat me awfully too 😫 I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 14:18

@Mosaic123 I wouldn't ever leave her with my daughter don't worry!

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 10/12/2021 14:20

The relationship doesn’t sound healthy.
But I do think that having some sort of truce for the sake of your daughter is better in the long term.
And of course your 18mo won’t get attached after one visit. And it’s a bit unfair to expect that the relationship with GM won’t work. And trying to control it by preventing it won’t work either.
You realise - if you divorce - she will potentially be around your child even more.

Regardless - one night is a short visit. And I don’t think either spouse has a right to ban their partner from having a parent over.

MMmomDD · 10/12/2021 14:21

Just to add - if you really don’t think your H has your best interests in mind - I’d start planning separation.

yourestandingonmyneck · 10/12/2021 14:22

I would just say no to the overnight. She lives 30mins away, there is no need for it. You don't want overnight guests when you have a young baby unless there is a need for it.

MangoBiscuit · 10/12/2021 14:26

Would you feel able to discuss boundaries with your DH? Clearly state ahead of time what behaviour would be totally unacceptable, and what you would expect his response, or your response, to be. For instance, if she calls you names, you could expect your DH to respond to her immeadiately and tell her it's unacceptable. If she continues, she has to leave. If he fails to follow through, you will take your DD to your Mums until MIL has left.

Personally, I wouldn't have someone who's been that bloody nasty, in my house. I would maybe be prepared to meet at theirs, or in public, so I can leave whenever I need to. I don't agree that some people get a free pass to be arseholes, because you're related to them.

Crystalvas · 10/12/2021 14:26

@BobbieT1999

As difficult as it might be for him, if your mil is that awful to you then your dh should absolutely be backing you on this.
I agree OH should always have your back and if someone causes you so much upset he should be sticking up for you. You and your DC should be his priority. If you don’t want her there hubby should respect that and tell her not to come. Why can’t he stay with her instead if she wants to see him.
FranklySonImTheGaffer · 10/12/2021 14:28

You need to take the focus off your MIL and on to your husband. If he was on your side you could easily make a plan to keep you both comfortable.

If I were you, I would start by setting some ground rules:

  1. If he makes arrangements with his mum about her coming to stay before a discussion with you, you will be taking your dd and staying elsewhere.
  2. No staying overnight. She lives 30 mins away - she can go home.

Then discuss what you're happy with and not and how you'll handle if / when she crosses your boundaries. Will he tackle it with her? Will he make her leave if necessary?

I wouldn't want her around either but if your H isn't ready to go no contact, she's going to be around so you need a plan moving forward and the aim needs to be to protect your dd.

Fallagain · 10/12/2021 14:29

Have you posted about her before? It sounds familiar. You need to low LC with her and tell DH that she won’t be staying in your house.

Mudflaps · 10/12/2021 14:31

Your mil has an ulterior motive for the overnight stay, its just a case of finding what it is. Is she planning on moving in with you, hitting you up for money etc. Don't let this become a habit or routine, 30 minutes away is nothing so let your husband know she needs to go home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2021 14:31

He can love his mother but that does not mean he has to like her or what she has done to him and now you people as his family unit in turn.

Your H's own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as you. That along with his fear of her has allowed his mother to impose an overnight visit on you people. She will continue to come in and out of your lives as she sees fit; she has not changed a single bit in all these years. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Your H has been very much harmed by his mother; what sort of person too smashes up their child's room more than once and kicks their child out?. He must have felt terrified when that was going on.

Its of no real surprise to read that his sisters are very much similar to their mother; they have a really shit role model of a parent to emulate. People like his mother do not play by the "normal" rules of familial interactions and use fear, obligation and guilt to get what they want i.e. their own way. She knows you do not like confrontation and indeed uses that against you. Both of you at the very least have to present a united front when it comes to his mother; anything less than that is not going to succeed. Will he at all consider speaking to a counsellor re his mother and their relationship?.

You do not mention your DH's father at all; is he still around?.

Original poster
pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 14:59

@AttilaTheMeerkat his father left when DH was young and has only just recently made contact again.

I think as DH has grown up around this his whole life he almost sees it as normal? Where as I don't, I haven't grown up around this behaviour so i find it hard and not normal. He knows his family are difficult but I honestly can't see it ever changing? I think for as long as I am with him I will have to deal with it all 😞 there is constant fights and drama.

I keep worrying that she will get my daughter out of her cot whilst im sleeping or leave one of our doors leading to outside open and my dogs will escape.

I just wish my DH spoke to me before agreeing her to stay the night so we could have come up with something to say! Now he's just refusing to tell her no.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread