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Original poster

MIL staying the night

71 replies

pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 13:23

I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have an 18 month old together. His family have caused me lots of stress and upset over the years and come in and out of our lives. Before having our daughter I put up with this and managed to rise above it most of the time but since she's been born I'm really struggling to deal with it 😞 it's really upsetting me as I feel it's coming between me and my husband.

My husband just text me to tell me his mum will be staying over night tomorrow for the weekend and I'm really anxious about it! I have horrible anxiety and I don't feel comfortable with her staying over. I spoke to my husband about this but he said he can't tell her she can't stay over. I don't mind her coming round for the day just not overnight.

This is going to ruin my marriage isn't it? I'm becoming so resentful and I'm annoying at myself for not realising I would feel like this after my daughter being born.

She only lives 30 mins away so not far.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2021 03:03

If you aren't prepared to take DD and stay elsewhere for the night, would you feel more comfortable if you had a 'contingency plan' to do so?

Perhaps call your mum or someone else you trust who is local, explain how you feel, and ask if you'd be able to stay there at a moment's notice if things go to pot, possibly arriving late or during mealtime. I know I'd have no problem if a friend or relative asked me to provide them with an overnight 'refuge'. I'd do it, no questions asked. Then pack an overnight bag for you and DD and either take it over before MiL gets there or put it in the car or the hall closet.

It doesn't mean you'll need or want to leave. It just means that if you do, all you'll have to do is pick up the bag and DD and walk to your car. Or call someone to pick you up. Just knowing you can if you need to can give you a feeling of security and make you better able to deal with the situation.

repottingthescabious · 11/12/2021 03:10

[quote pixietinsle5]@AllThingsServeTheBeam I deal with her for short visits for my DHs sake but I feel like two whole days and overnight would be too much.

She has done quite a few things to cause me to feel uneasy! She has shouted and called me names, she calls my family names and gets jealous when we see them and not her, she comes in and out of our lives and I'm worried she will do the same to my daughter, she drinks a lot and has driven with my SILs child in the car, she once smacked my dog when she was a puppy for "mouthing" she smashed up my DHs bedroom a couple of times and broke is TV, computer etc when he used to live with her, she kicked him out and he ended up having to live with my parents. She says things that I don't like and leaves dangerous objects around my child. This list goes on....

But I still see her for my DHs sake! I just don't feel comfortable having her over night. I don't feel like I can go to sleep and feel safe as strange as that sounds. [/quote]
I do not like the fact that your husband told you that she would be staying without discussing it with you first. You are his first port of call 'forsaking all others' not her.

He behaviour speaks volumes.

This is your house and her behaviour is not welcome in it. Your husband doesn't have the right to ride roughshod over you and your home and anxiety anymore that she does.

This will not change.

repottingthescabious · 11/12/2021 03:11

@NowEvenBetter

That’s appalling that your husband isn’t protecting his family from this drunken, abusive, animal abuser. Why does it fall on you alone to keep your child safe? Did he always prioritise that woman over you? Find your anger.

^ this. In spades. @pixietinsle5

nocnoc · 11/12/2021 03:19

You’re married to a bully who has been raised by a bully.

Declaring she wants to stay overnight to spend more time with your DD when she lives 30 mins away and she hasn’t checked this out with you first is bully boy behaviour. She doesn’t get to decide these things and it’s best you put her in her place now or this is your life until your DD leaves home. I would either a) get your mother to turn up an hour before she’s due and stay the night. Don’t say a word about it just welcome her when she turns up. When she arrives say “oh I thought we were getting our mums to stay over for the weekend” or b) book into a hotel for the night and go stay there with your DD and switch your phone off. You’re being manipulated and don’t stand for it.

Original poster

pixietinsle5 · 11/12/2021 07:53

It was actually my DH who invited her to stay the night 🙄 why, I don't know!

I've woken up with awful anxiety, I feel like I might be sick. DH is still asleep as he was out last night so I haven't had a chance to speak to him yet. I feel like my time is running out. I'm tempted to just get up and go to my mums house thismorning?

OP posts:

NynaeveSedai · 11/12/2021 07:58

What an awful situation! Your husband is a 'strong character' do you mean he's a bully? You have as much right as him to make decisions about your family and it's not ok that you feel you can't say no.

itspartytime · 11/12/2021 08:10

Yes you go with the little one and leave him and his hangover yo deal with his mother

itspartytime · 11/12/2021 08:13

Stay for the weekend !

Truthseeker456 · 11/12/2021 08:18

Its hard to make a judgement without knowing all facts. However he is your partners mum. Try and be more relaxed about her coming if you can.

Motheroftigers · 11/12/2021 08:22

My MIL was very nearly the death of my marriage. I actually packed a bag and was on my way out of the door with baby when DH finally agreed to ban MIL from the house.

OP, you do have a say. If she comes you stay in a hotel.

Crystalvas · 11/12/2021 09:15

The day MIL is meant to arrive why don’t you take yourself and your DC off somewhere until shes meant to be gone.

BackBackBack · 11/12/2021 09:23

Go, go, go. And as I said earlier, if he moans you aren't there, then point out that he didn't bother to ask you about his mother staying so you have made your own plans.

frazzledasarock · 11/12/2021 09:35

Go to your mums. If she’ll take care of you for a bit and let you rest. Life with a small child and a H who puts abusive others above you is exhausting.

You don’t have to discuss it with your H. As apparently that’s how things work in your marriage.

Send him a text when you get to his mums.

Hey, decided to spend weekend at my mums for some much needed TLC and a rest. Hope you and MIL have a fab weekend together.

frazzledasarock · 11/12/2021 09:35

Your mums not his!

timeisnotaline · 11/12/2021 10:39

@frazzledasarock

Go to your mums. If she’ll take care of you for a bit and let you rest. Life with a small child and a H who puts abusive others above you is exhausting.

You don’t have to discuss it with your H. As apparently that’s how things work in your marriage.

Send him a text when you get to his mums.

Hey, decided to spend weekend at my mums for some much needed TLC and a rest. Hope you and MIL have a fab weekend together.

This. This would help him understand both of you can make your own decisions, so if he is making them without you, what else does he expect? A doormat?

Cherrysoup · 11/12/2021 12:11

I think you need to speak to your dh and say to him that you are very anxious about her staying. There is no need for her to stay overnight and he needs to discuss this with you, not just tell you it’s happening. His mother sounds horrific, drunk driving with kids in the car, calling you names etc.

KnackeredElf · 11/12/2021 15:55

How's it going OP? You have a support network here if you need it.

Original poster

pixietinsle5 · 11/12/2021 19:54

Thought I would update you all! MIL hasn't ended up staying the night thank god. DH was extremely hungover today and I told him I really wasn't comfortable with her staying over so he decided to cancel her visit until tomorrow (she won't stay tomorrow night as she has work on Monday morning) so luckily I got out of that one 😃

Thank you all for your support! You really gave me some strength.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2021 01:26

Oh I'm so glad!

Once DH has recovered from his hangover, the two of you really need to talk about joint decisions when it comes to guests. Not just because of MiL, but because having company of any kind sprung on one is not fun!

layladomino · 12/12/2021 09:50

That's a good outcome for now Op, I'm pleased for you.

It's funny how he's strong enough to tell her she can't come when he has a hangover, but not when it's because his wife is understanably anxious and upset about it.

So in order of importance, he places his mother and sisters above your feelings, then his own, then yours....

Mix56 · 14/12/2021 10:23

Also, I would add, "& She will not be bathing my baby, or be left solely in charge alone ever, so you might as well tell her now, so that she stops pushing for it".

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