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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL staying the night

71 replies

pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 13:23

I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have an 18 month old together. His family have caused me lots of stress and upset over the years and come in and out of our lives. Before having our daughter I put up with this and managed to rise above it most of the time but since she's been born I'm really struggling to deal with it 😞 it's really upsetting me as I feel it's coming between me and my husband.

My husband just text me to tell me his mum will be staying over night tomorrow for the weekend and I'm really anxious about it! I have horrible anxiety and I don't feel comfortable with her staying over. I spoke to my husband about this but he said he can't tell her she can't stay over. I don't mind her coming round for the day just not overnight.

This is going to ruin my marriage isn't it? I'm becoming so resentful and I'm annoying at myself for not realising I would feel like this after my daughter being born.

She only lives 30 mins away so not far.

OP posts:
hotmeatymilk · 10/12/2021 15:03

Why does she need to stay overnight if she lives 30 mins away?

Put your daughter’s cot in your room for the night. Lock the outside doors so she can’t let your dogs out. Treat her visit the way you would a toddler’s – instead of child-proofing, you’re MIL-proofing

Original poster
pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 15:06

@hotmeatymilk yes I think I will put her cot in my room for the night 😊 that would make me feel better!

OP posts:
Flippingfair · 10/12/2021 15:08

She sounds ghastly. I would first have a big talk to DH, and then I would take myself off for the weekend and let him deal with his mother

forrestgreen · 10/12/2021 15:14

You need to make this that awful for your dh that he stops the next request dead in its tracks.
'Oh no, I've arranged to meet friends for a meal and drinks, I'll get a taxi home later. You'll enjoy your mum and you night anyway'
And leave it all to him, cleaning, washing, shopping, bath time, and go out well before baby is due to go to bed.
Put cot in your room so you do t need to worry when you get in.

RedSquirrelsAreAwesome · 10/12/2021 15:22

You call her yourself if needs be and tell she can’t stay overnight. Your DH should not have agreed to this without asking you given what you have explained. Quite simple, at whatever time, 7pm you make it clear it’s bye bye time. Get assertive quickly, you need to advocate for your DC.

480Widdio · 10/12/2021 15:50

You have a husband problem.He should have asked you first if his Mother could stay! He probably knew you would say no,so went ahead without your permission.

Put your foot down,it will only get worse,if she only lives 30minutes away,she can bugger off home to her own house to sleep.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 10/12/2021 15:54

Make sure your dh knows there won't be any bedroom shannanigans when she is there...
Or arrange to take dd out for part of her visit.
Have you got a spare room? Moving forward it needs a new purpose.. Play room? Room for a snake?
Office? Library?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2021 16:12

He does to an extent regard this from his mother as "normal" because he grew up seeing all this shitty behaviour from her. Its left him with poor boundaries and an unwillingness to say no to mother's demands because he is that afraid of her (and his sisters who seem to be a carbon copy of mother).

He agreed to her visit because he also wants her approval; approval that she will never give him. He also knew you were going to say no hence he communicating his decision to you by text message. His refusing now to tell her no is not at all surprising; he is that afraid of her that he really does think the sky will fall in on him if he says no to her demands. He would rather you take her flak because he is both unwilling and unable to deal at all with his mother.

Mix56 · 10/12/2021 16:34

You need to tell him if he asks her again without discussing it you are gone.
She is not your friend, he should be supporting you to keep your DC safe.
She treats you as & talks to you like shit.
He needs to tell her clearly that its your home & she needs to be polite & respectful of she can stay away

Original poster
pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 16:48

Thanks everyone for your comments! We are supposed to be putting our Christmas tree up tomorrow but I don't feel like doing it now 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 16:49

DH is out on a work Christmas doo tonight so I won't get the chance to speak to him!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2021 17:03

Your H is not covering himself in glory at all here.

I would phone her asap and cancel this arranged visit. You and baby should in any event not be there if she arrives at your home tomorrow.

Mix56 · 10/12/2021 17:09

Can you & DC go to your Mum's for the w/e ?????
That would give them a message they would not forget

frazzledasarock · 10/12/2021 17:14

Take your dc and dogs and go to your family or friends.

Text your husband you’ll be gone for the weekend with dc and dogs and stay gone till she leaves.

You’re marriage will not last if this continues at some point you’re going to snap!

Ellen888 · 10/12/2021 17:18

@Mudflaps

Your mil has an ulterior motive for the overnight stay, its just a case of finding what it is. Is she planning on moving in with you, hitting you up for money etc. Don't let this become a habit or routine, 30 minutes away is nothing so let your husband know she needs to go home.
Exactly.

Your DH should have asked you first. The fact that he didn't is disrespectful. Tell him so.

Tell him she isn't staying - end of.

You need to put your foot down OP

ChubbyMorticia · 10/12/2021 17:24

Several things at work here.

First, unless it's a dire emergency, there's no way on Earth that my husband or I would agree to hosting ANYONE overnight without checking with the other. Basic respect.

Second, she lives a half hour away! ZERO reason for her to be staying over at all!

@pixietinsle5 you absolutely need to talk to your dh about his lack of respect for you, and get on the same page together.

Tee20x · 10/12/2021 17:31

Why does she want to stay when she lives 30 mins away. She can go home?

Why does she want to bath her? Very weird and seems like she wants to be overly involved. Surely spending the day with your daughter is enough - why is she pushing herself in like this?

It's your home too and your husband shouldn't just be TELLING you she is staying overnight.

This is all before I saw that she's shouted at you and called you names? I wouldn't be having her overnight.

NowEvenBetter · 10/12/2021 17:41

That’s appalling that your husband isn’t protecting his family from this drunken, abusive, animal abuser. Why does it fall on you alone to keep your child safe? Did he always prioritise that woman over you?
Find your anger.

Original poster
pixietinsle5 · 10/12/2021 18:02

@Tee20x she wants to stay the night to spend more time with my daughter and because she doesn't like driving in the dark which is fair enough but she often drives in the dark? And I suggested to DH that we could pick her up in the morning and drop her home in the evening but that wasn't good enough.

My DH is a very strong character and will put up a fight with me about it. My only option is to stay elsewhere! But that won't go down well either 😫

I just have this gut feeling something bad will happen if she stays over. Maybe it won't but what if it does?

OP posts:
Tee20x · 10/12/2021 18:05

@pixietinsle5 ugh!! Just tell your husband she can't stay or stay elsewhere. I think it's time to take a stand. She's just doing it because she knows she can. You've given so many other solutions but she's having none of them! She's obviously just choosing to be difficult here. You shouldn't feel pushed out or uncomfortable in your own home.

BackBackBack · 10/12/2021 18:25

I would stay elsewhere. And if your H moans about it, then point out that as he didn't consult you about his mum staying, then you didn't bother to tell him about your plans to be elsewhere.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2021 18:33

He may be a strong character but he is a wet lettuce when it comes to his mother. He will do and say anything to keep her on side

I do not believe her at all when she states she wants to spend more time with your daughter. This is after all a woman who appears in and out of your lives when she feels like it (whilst denigrating you at the same time).

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 10/12/2021 18:49

OP breathe ,,stop and think for a second, I had similar problems to you so you know what I did? I was the perfect DIL for the weekend,honestly it nearly killed me. I ran myself ragged and I knew my exdh would not have a word said against his mother,seriously he wouldnt listen to me at all I decided to show him who and what she was instead, I was the picture of serenity whilst feeling sick inside but I was so welcoming,I couldnt do enough for her,nothing was too much trouble I was and made myself faultless, But she as I knew just couldnt help herself from starting,you know the looks the niggles the nastiness,eventually on the second day we were all relaxing on the sofas and she started again chipping away I just stood up and said to him "what more can I fucking do? answer me " both of them shit themselves and the atmosphere was awful. He suggested he take her home shortly afterwards, I said when he returned I told you what she was like and he had to admit and agree, we plodded on for years afterwards but he never let her stay again or encouraged visits,he went to her home. I owed her nothing and thats not why the marriage broke down it just did but maybe if you oculd get him to see how toxic she really is and how hard you fake tried to make everything ok for him then you might just get the outcome you want?

KnackeredElf · 11/12/2021 02:01

A woman who's been that mean to you should count herself lucky that she's still allowed in your house, let alone overnight.

Can our parents look after your dogs? Move the cot into your room. Tell your husband that decisions like this need to be made with you.

Let us know how it goes OP X

timeisnotaline · 11/12/2021 02:13

I’d tell my dh next time baby and I are going to stay at my mums. If he doesn’t consult about plans for people to stay in our house, don’t expect me to be there or consult him about my plans to stay elsewhere. This time, put dd in your room and take her out first thing the next morning for a play date or visit, tell mil you’re sorry dh didn’t think to warn you it’s not the best timing but nice to see you, until next time.