Any other ex Jehovah's Witnesses on here whose family has dumped them?

[Cerridwen83]

Ex JW for 3 years now.

My sister has cut me off (for anyone not familiar with JWs, if you decide to leave then they don't take it very well).

I was never formally "disfellowshipped" (ex communnicated) but my sister and mum have still decided I no longer exist, basically.

I'm really really struggling with it. I'm not sure why it's suddenly become so hard to deal with, after 3 years. At first I was sad, but accepted it, thought it was their choice etc...thought I'd made my peace with it.
Now it's just eating away at me...I feel torn apart most days. I look at old photos of my sister and I.
I think about my nieces and imagine what they're up to. Neither of them have tried to get in touch either. They're 16 and 18, not little kids. They could probably get in touch if they wanted to.
I sent my sister a text at the start of 2020 lockdown asking if she was OK and coping with Covid...She ignored it. I tried to call once last summer and she cut me off.

We had such a close relationship before I decided I didn't want to be part of the religion anymore.
As soon as I told her I was having doubts, didn't feel like I wanted it/believed it, her entire demeanour changed towards me...she became so cold and eventually just stopped contacting me.

My mum hasn't cut me off but is so cold whenever she sees me. She's always been quite emotionally unavailable and doesn't talk about emotions, asked how I am etc. Since I'm no longer a JW it's got a million times worse. She looks at me with this awful "detached" look if that makes sense. Like a fake smile that doesn't reach her eyes.
Last time I tried to give her a hug last week it was like trying to hug a stone statue. There was no warmth or love.
She looks down on my lifestyle (even though I'm a lot happier now I'm not part of a religion I no longer believe in following) and never asks me how I am or what I've been up to.
Any time I ask her to come over or meet up for lunch is met with "Oh I won't be able to...insert excuse..."
But always has plenty of time for her friends or my sister.
I try and tell her about my new friends I've made, but she's totally not interested at all.
She makes homophobic comments and sneers at people on the TV for instance she thinks are "unchristian" and I honestly don't feel happy ever introducing her to some of my friends,some of whom are gay etc.

She just makes me anxious when I'm around her, basically. She was like this before I left the JWs, but as I said, its got worse. She just looks at me like she hates me. But keeps up having a relationship with me. Why??

I just feel so low lately and have been crying a lot.
Obviously their love for me is conditional on me remaining a JW.
If I suddenly decided to come back to it I know I would be welcomed with open arms and have an outpouring of love, at least from my sister

I've been craving that love so much lately.
I just want a mum who loves me no matter what religion I follow.

I'm so sorry, op. I've never been a JW but I really feel for you going through this

I’m afraid I don’t have experience of JW but I just want to say for you. It must be very hurtful for you x

That’s the sad thing about the religion. My best was one all her life, then she was forced to get married and eventually left him at 22 after 3 years as she wanted children and he didn’t . When she left she was cast out of the church and her family. She’s now 35 and they barely speak to her. I really hope your family behaves better then hers. You get sucked into the cult and the minute you leave you are the enemy. I feel for you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The JW are a dreadful cult and this is how cults behave. The only thing you can change is how it affects you, and that's going to take professional help and support. Please see if there is a wellbeing service in your area that you can self refer into so that you can work on living a happy life without your toxic family in it. You can choose who you have as your family, and you will be so much happier with people who are like minded around you.

I am sorry OP, it is a hard position to be in. I wasn't a JW but I did leave a cult about 13 years ago now. The pain of walking away and then after realising that all my friends had gone to. My whole life changed in that moment but the repercussions last a long time.
I hope you are managing to build a new life for yourself now.

Sadly they are driven by a fear of going to hell if they don't do exactly what the religion tells them.

There are charities that help people who have left cults, could you get in touch with one of them?

JW cult is fucking evil.

Seen it with others.

There is no solution, build your own other family who love you regardless of whether you are brainwashed in any religion or not.

As a disclaimer I am not anti-faith as such, faith is not for us, I am anti-faith which interferes with family life to any extent.

Please don't re-join so you can reconnect with your family, OP. If they put their cult over you they're not worth it.

It sounds like your mum is very unhappy with her life. I bet she wishes she could be brave and leave like you did. Live your best life, you never know what the future holds but you have good instincts. Trust them.

I know a lady who is suffering terribly with her mental health due to this cult to the point of wanting to kill herself. There are support groups out there op for people like you who are struggling.

Please don't go back it will not make you happy.

Well done for leaving! Brave move, awesome!
As smiley and kindly as they appear in the Kingdom Hall during the week; most are chickenpoop petrified of listening to their inner voice and making the decision to leave.
Sounds as if they’re lost - the pair of them - and they’re taking out their bitterness on you because you had the courage to say no! It’s horrid practice to use shunning. WTAF! I teach, so if this happened in a classroom it would be bullying! What Jobos don’t realise is that they are shunning themselves in.
Seems as if so far the two people who should support you have ‘checked out’. Our mum checked out, as in she couldn’t merge the idea of THIS our shared reality with the dogma of the faith-cult so she formed a la la land to occupy. Our eldest brother is similar. The demon passes on. It’s a form of trauma they once suffered and it’s not fair at all to sustain it for another! It’s considered a form of cowardice to pass your unresolved issues on to children.
Definitely keep the lines of communication open with the nieces and they will get in touch: give them a random something every now and again let them know your present and there. An aunty or uncle has a special role in the family with as much love as a parent but with a clearer head and more consistent adult relationships. When they start to see an unsettling friction between your sister and their world you’ll be their first port of call and an anchor in the world.
A text is easy to ignore and claim forgetfulness. If you call your sister and have a five minute call about something that makes her ‘feel like a sister’ then that’d help re-orientate her but it’s no guarantee unfortunately. And it’s very difficult. To think your sister has to block you out to exist in the world. She has her own issues at the moment. Hopefully, her sisterly love will conquer it. Her decision.
That’s what the faith-cult preys upon, pun intended :p. You have to surrender your wonderful free-thinking capacity at the entrance. Seems as if she doesn’t have the courage or capacity to acknowledge the difficult things. Your mum is trapped in that dimension alone without building up a set of coherent ideas about how to handle real issues. She’s emotionally impotent. Her biological/spiritual/natural instincts are kaput. I realised that for our mum to be the mum I want her to be I had to brave-up and be the son she needs. Essentially building a relationship from the foundation there was.

The ‘right thing’ (loving thing) would be to start building a new relationship your mum from now. She will definitely appreciate it although she may not say anything anytime soon. Mother-child love will always be stronger than that Jobo bullpoop and you get to demonstrate it. She certainly wants a relationship with you but can’t process what the relationship will be without any faith-cult input. The relationship that your mum and sister have between them isn’t a strong relationship. Throw anything difficult into it and they’ll crack like an egg in a packed lunch.
That love that you deserve is sitting in your mum’s bosom waiting to pop out. Use now as sturdy platform to build from it. I share things with our mum: photos, achievements, what’s new with me, pictures of food etc. Memories are great to share! ‘Mum, do you remember that time I did a poo on the beach when we were in Turkey and you held a towel round me so I wasn’t embarrassed?’
It’s a traumatic, shit place to be in at the moment but the difficult thing has been done.
Again, well done for ejector-seating out of there!

@Cerridwen83 my DH is an ex-JW, his parents and 3 sisters still are and 2 other sisters have left too. There is a divide in his family which I don’t think will ever be repaired. Whilst we still all go to “big” events eg family weddings, funerals etc a lot of the family don’t speak to each other. Two of his JW sisters are ok and still in touch on WhatsApp but one married another JW and is totally brainwashed! We went to their wedding at the KH and for a catholic it was crazy, sister came to ours in a church but her DH refused. They all didn’t want to come but I put my foot down said it was my belief and it’s only themselves that would miss out - I wasn’t going to have a hotel wedding just to please someone else.
I think 15 years on it is about compromise, they respect our beliefs and we respect theirs, we also have a rule of not talking about religion!
One nonJW sister doesn’t speak to his parents though because she was a single unmarried mum and they were AWFUL to her.
Time is a healer but I would get in touch just ask them how they are and perhaps invite them round for your anniversary?

I even got a birthday card last year from his mum (the first one she has sent in 60+ years), hang in there.
I think his parents are realising that religion isn’t everything and family is important, I think his mum really regrets the fall out with his sister but I don’t think either can forgive each other and it is really sad - particularly as IMO Christianity is about forgiveness, prodigal son and all that

Really sorry to hear this. Ex communication is one of the cruelest things an organisation can do especially when your family is involved. As you know they will see you as a bad apple. Unless they realise that they are involved in a man made cult and choose to see the light then it is very unlikely you will be wholly included in family life. Try to have a Frank conversation with your mum but I expect she will not give you direct answers. Sadly lots of "victims" who escape are left with various mental health issues. Keep yourself busy, build relationships with good people. Finally there are groups on various social media that support "victims" of this culture. Reach out to them, you are not on your own x

I left at 16 after being born into it so a very long time ago but I know how you feel. I was pregnant at the time and needed support and I was shunned instead. I've never been able to make friends easily since. The conditional side of things makes it hard to trust I think. Feel free to message me if you want to talk!

@Cerridwen83

I'm not a JW but I am NC with my mum and it is really crushingly sad at times that she couldn't be a normal 'mum' who loved and supported me for who I am.

Are you having any therapy? It really helped me with a lot of stuff.

Agree with the PPs that as sad as it can be, you can build really amazing relationships with your family of friends.

Have you ever managed to get her to have a conversation about how you feel? I'm guessing she probably wouldn't from the sounds of it.
NC is really hard to do so I'm not necessarily suggesting you do this but maybe it would be helpful for you to limit your contact with your mum if she won't talk constructively with you about her behaviour and how you feel.

I also agree with the PP that the response you are getting may in part be a reflection of the fear they are feeling at the questions they have over the religion. They may just be truly unpleasant people, only you can really know.

I really hope you manage to find peace with your family acting the way they are by detaching emotionally or a reconciliation where everyone is respectful and loving regardless of faith or lack thereof.

Were you baptized?
Why did you leave?

I left the JW back in 89, I still see my parents regularly and talk to some other witnesses. In fact, I used to work with a few of them on some projects. Luckily I've never had an issue with communicating or staying friends.
If you were baptized, then the normal route is shunning, I understand the concept and it's not just religious dogma. Personally, I feel it's a harsh treatment. The severity of which is usually based on the family involved. Please bear in mind that non-religious families shun each other as well.

You're just going to have to build a life away from the congregation.

I'm so sorry they've been brainwashed by religion.
I don't have any experience but wanted to offer you some support, you made a very brave decision.
Hopefully time will change them, in the meantime keep working on your own life and investing in relationships that don't come with restrictions.

Any mother who puts a cult before her child isn't worth having. You are yearning for a life that doesn't make you happy. Seen it first hand and I was astounded at their actions.

My MIL very graciously said she would never put her religion above her children, no matter what and she has stuck to her word. I couldn’t do it either. My mother on the other hand cuts people off left and right whether she is in or out of the religion. I’ve been NC with her for 14yrs. Sadly a family friend did cut me off, after she offered to step in as my D.C. nana and came to visit us, then it became obvious what was happening when she went home and we’ve not heard from her. That pained me and I felt awful having to explain that to the D.C. 😞

One of the things they’re supposed to live by is STOP JUDGING but oh how they judge. Be glad you are out and living your life. I am careful of what I post on SM as I have friends still JW and don’t won’t to offend them or be cut off as they individually are lovely.

@voldr

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

Why on earth would you do that?

I don't know the poster you've quoted but I can understand your subtext that she is a heavy supporter of JWs.

So why on earth would you invite her to comment on a thread started by someone who is in a vulnerable place after leaving their shared faith?

That's cruel. Have you got beef with that poster? Keep it off other people's threads if so.