Any other ex Jehovah's Witnesses on here whose family has dumped them?

[Cerridwen83]

Ex JW for 3 years now.

My sister has cut me off (for anyone not familiar with JWs, if you decide to leave then they don't take it very well).

I was never formally "disfellowshipped" (ex communnicated) but my sister and mum have still decided I no longer exist, basically.

I'm really really struggling with it. I'm not sure why it's suddenly become so hard to deal with, after 3 years. At first I was sad, but accepted it, thought it was their choice etc...thought I'd made my peace with it.
Now it's just eating away at me...I feel torn apart most days. I look at old photos of my sister and I.
I think about my nieces and imagine what they're up to. Neither of them have tried to get in touch either. They're 16 and 18, not little kids. They could probably get in touch if they wanted to.
I sent my sister a text at the start of 2020 lockdown asking if she was OK and coping with Covid...She ignored it. I tried to call once last summer and she cut me off.

We had such a close relationship before I decided I didn't want to be part of the religion anymore.
As soon as I told her I was having doubts, didn't feel like I wanted it/believed it, her entire demeanour changed towards me...she became so cold and eventually just stopped contacting me.

My mum hasn't cut me off but is so cold whenever she sees me. She's always been quite emotionally unavailable and doesn't talk about emotions, asked how I am etc. Since I'm no longer a JW it's got a million times worse. She looks at me with this awful "detached" look if that makes sense. Like a fake smile that doesn't reach her eyes.
Last time I tried to give her a hug last week it was like trying to hug a stone statue. There was no warmth or love.
She looks down on my lifestyle (even though I'm a lot happier now I'm not part of a religion I no longer believe in following) and never asks me how I am or what I've been up to.
Any time I ask her to come over or meet up for lunch is met with "Oh I won't be able to...insert excuse..."
But always has plenty of time for her friends or my sister.
I try and tell her about my new friends I've made, but she's totally not interested at all.
She makes homophobic comments and sneers at people on the TV for instance she thinks are "unchristian" and I honestly don't feel happy ever introducing her to some of my friends,some of whom are gay etc.

She just makes me anxious when I'm around her, basically. She was like this before I left the JWs, but as I said, its got worse. She just looks at me like she hates me. But keeps up having a relationship with me. Why??

I just feel so low lately and have been crying a lot.
Obviously their love for me is conditional on me remaining a JW.
If I suddenly decided to come back to it I know I would be welcomed with open arms and have an outpouring of love, at least from my sister

I've been craving that love so much lately.
I just want a mum who loves me no matter what religion I follow.

You can report voldr’s post (I have) and hopefully MN will delete

Hi op

I’ve been out now for almost 24 years since I was 21. I was probably lucky that I had no family except my parents and I’ve managed to maintain a relationship of sorts with them but I understand the way you are feeling and the tremendous sense of rootlessness and not belonging anywhere.

Please feel free to send me a PM if you want to chat or pointed to other supports any time at all. 💐

It's hard when you break away from family who are heavily involved in some religions, though it does depend on how individuals deal with it - when my friend left a different Christian sect she was very outspoken about how bad it was and how people were stupid for following them, this of course meant her family were in a difficult position as long time members. She no longer speaks to them, she wanted them to leave too.

They may find it easier if you say you no longer are a member but are forging your own relationship with god?

Sorry I HRTFT but I walked away almost thirty years aged twenty two. I drifted (I’m assuming you’re baptised) so also wasn’t disfellowshipped but back then that meant everyone would still speak and would try to guilt me into going back.
Now I believe that the action of pulling away will lead you to be shunned, even by your closest family. The turning down of any invitation to eat is telling.
None of their actions can have come as a surprise to you. It’s nearly impossible for non-JWs to realise how its tentacles reach into every minute part of your life. The faith is all that matters, above family, everything.
While ever you’re in the world and they aren’t they won’t change, counselling can help but making friends, work, education, a partner all helped to fill the huge void left. Time has definitely helped too but I’d describe it similarly to a grieving process.

I worked with someone who left JW. She said she was happy with her decision, knowing that family would not speak to her again( although her mother did occasionally) she did have the support of her husband and his family

This is where I despair of religions, the intolerance, the belief it’s their way only, the dumping of family it’s sad

Op I can only suggest what you are feeling is a sort of grief for what you have lost, even though you are happy with where you are now. It can be so difficult for people leaving everything they have known. Have you sought counselling, that maybe what’s required ,

I’m really sorry, op. Please don’t rejoin just so your family will speak to you again. That’s not the kind of “love” you need. You’re never going to have the loving relationship with them that you crave. I know it’s disappointing and I’m sorry. Maybe try spending more time with your friends right now if you’re feeling lonely.

Btw stop quoting the person inviting dolly. That’s even more notifications for dolly. She’ll definitely notice multiple notifications for the thread.

A good friend of mine is JW. I’m not. It’s never been an issue for us. We don’t talk about religion but we see each other lots and have fun together. I guess it’s like every other religion where some people take it to extremes

@DominickTheItalianXmasDonkey

I’m really sorry, op. Please don’t rejoin just so your family will speak to you again. That’s not the kind of “love” you need. You’re never going to have the loving relationship with them that you crave. I know it’s disappointing and I’m sorry. Maybe try spending more time with your friends right now if you’re feeling lonely.

Btw stop quoting the person inviting dolly. That’s even more notifications for dolly. She’ll definitely notice multiple notifications for the thread.

Thank you for pointing this out, I didn't think names in quoted posts tagged the person, I'll report my own post too.

Ex jw here 👋 I've messaged you!

Shunning is the JW way of making you behave. Without 'outside' support you are more likely to fold and return to the cult.

I'm not sure if it any help, but the podcast ; Shunned' is about being shunned by cults- 90pct of the episodes (people's personal experiences) are from former JWs with a few LDS and others in the remaining 10pct.

Wishing you well

Sadly, it's another form of discrimination is how I see it.

I feel for you on a human level despite being a non religious person.

Unfortunately behaviour like this is inhumane and our connection with God/ spiritual force is supposed to be about love and acceptance, tolerance and kindness.

You can see how warped the influence of Man- made doctrines on the simplicity of pure religion.

It's borne out of fear, hatred and division. It's 'othering' - and all this is based on terrible insecurity. They are able to look down on others not like them and that gives them a superficial feeling of superiority.

It's very sad and has nothing to do with God.

It's scary how strong belief can manipulate people like this and ruin lives.

Peace comes from accepting what you can change and what you cannot.

Hold on to your memories and find others who can fill your void.

Extreme brainwashing like this is mentally cruel and I hope you protect yourself from such cruelty.

Being a JW just gives your Mother a tool to use in abusing you.

I think you should seek therapy to try and come to terms with the fact that your Mother is never going to love and care for you the way a parent should.

I would cut contact completely and work on finding other significant, healthy relationships.

I have recently cut my abusive Mother out of my life - it's not easy but I didn't want to spend all of my best year's being hurt by her and treated with the disregard of an unpaid servant.

Cut them off and focus on doing what makes you happy.

@wishymore I worked with a JW for several years, and he seemed to be more accepting and positive towards me and the only other religious person where we worked, than others. His non-celebration of birthdays and Christmas was respected (we'd ask did he watch a tv programme on a day of the week, not call it Christmas Day, for example).

What others have described about an ex JW being treated as if they did not exist I have read about a lot.

Wow thank you for all the supportive and understanding replies!

I didn't see the deleted post so no idea what it said.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to message me, it's so kind.

I've decided to arrange counselling for myself, I think it's long overdue. It would be so helpful I think, to have time to just talk about my feelings and to just try to pick apart my strained relationship with my mother.

I've decided not to contact my sister, it's really too painful to keep getting rejected and ignored. I wish i could say I respect her decision, but actually i dont. Sorry...just being honest. I DON'T respect her decision. I can understand her reasons (as a former JW) but that doesn't mean I have to respect them. It's been years, and I'm her sister. She knows I've been through a tough time (I've got divorced and been diagnosed with CFS since we last spoke) and she could quite easily have picked up the phone. Or a quick text to see how I was? It takes seconds.

Glad you are getting help op. I think you should cut your sister and Mum off. Both are very cruel to you.

I watched a film about a woman who left the JW and she was ostracised by her Mum and sister. It was unbelievably sad how the church forced them to ignore and not help her, even when she had a baby.

They have chosen 'God' over you and it must hurt like hell, but you have been very brave to leave and you must keep telling yourself it was the right thing to do.

A JW friend’s DH had an affair, she was thrown out too although she was completely innocent. It meant she lost all her friends, her family and his family.
She’s gradually coming to terms with it but it’s incredibly cruel.

Really feel for you OP and feel quite angry on your behalf reading this. This treatment is cruel and incomprehensible and you deserve better than this. It is so hard to be let down so badly by family because you only get issued with one lot and we can’t ‘replace’ them. (Not to say it is not possible to ‘create family’ for ourselves with friends, etc.) They are punishing you for the supposed transgression, and in my opinion their behaviour is obscene. You deserve so much better than this and I can only imagine how bewildering and hurtful this must be for you.

Sending

Glad you've found the courage to leave this cult and you are seeking counselling.
I very much doubt you can have a relationship with either your mother or sister, while they remain.
If a partner shut people out of relationships, threatening dire consequences unless they conform to their rules, it would be considered coercive control and emotional abuse.

Stay strong. I have family and friends who've experienced this and it's absolutely brutal. Look after yourself. You've done the right thing leaving what is essentially a cult. Seek therapeutic support. Good luck.

I was lovebombed for a few years by JWs,but never took the plunge.I always felt a sense of “fakeness” surrounding the religion.It didn’t sit well that everyone dressed the same,answered each question the same (word for word) and prayed the same.How can a prayer be genuine if everyone says the same thing.After I spoke “out of turn”, I was cut off.A woman that sat in my house for two years and carried my baby blanked me in the street.I sent her a text and called her attempts to blackmail me ridiculous.I felt a sense of relief that I didn’t have to hang around with people who were so righteous.Everytime I was around them,I couldn’t get comfortable,because you never feel as if you are doing anything right.I felt bad each time because they acted so kindly towards me,but it was all an act because I’ve not heard a peep from any of them and I’m totally fine with it.I’m grateful that I didn’t suck my kids into it,or they’d have probably cut me off.OP,you’ve been lovebombed.They make you feel amazing,while slowly cutting you off from everyone by inviting you out,talking to you all the time,until you feel that their relationships are the only relationships you need.Take a big step back.Spend more time with your new friends.Tell them what you have been through,they may not understand,but they’ll be there for you.Realise that you can’t change your family and that’s ok.When/if they need you,you’ll be there.Look after yourself because you’ll end up in a mentally draining loop.You’ll be fine.There are non blood related family members out there for everyone.Good luck.

I'm really pleased you've decided to seek some therapy with this, I hope you manage to find some peace with your situation

Please don't feel you ever need to apologise for disagreeing with how your sister has treated you, I don't agree with her either and I'm not sorry at all

FWIW the deleted comment wasn't being nasty towards you they had just tagged someone for a bun fight

I'm really glad you've had some support here, it must be really hard to figure out which way is up when faced with your family's behaviour. I hope if you ever feel like you are wavering you can come back here to the relationships board to talk about it.

It's really hard to deal with a mum who doesn't love you the way a mum should, I'm not sure if I'll ever really come to terms with that for myself, but it really helps to know that it isn't because of you, it is entirely down to her.

Making a circle of supportive people away from your former church is going to be so helpful for you in moving on from this.

Maybe the stately homes thread would be of use to you in unpicking some of the damage caused by your family?

So sorry OP.

I've never been a JW but I watch Lloyd Evans on YouTube so I feel I have been informed to a certain extent.

If you have not watched he and his wife left JWs and run a YouTube channel, they are in touch with other exJWs and many are in the same situation as you.

For what it is worth I think the shunning is the cruelest policy, it isn't your mother and sister's fault, they are doing what they are being told is the best thing for you. I know that's hard because it doesn't feel like that.

www.youtube.com/channel/UCz1w0ll081JJiYcjb298pOw

www.facebook.com/lloydevanscedars

Ironically dh’s JW Mum is great - she’s no bother at all - no controlling behaviour - no code names for Christmas and birthdays and I’m a very committed atheist, she’s brilliant. My family on the other hand are a nightmare - controlling and dysfunctional when I finally had enough and said no to them I felt the wrath - I secretly knew I would which is why I never said no before. Not saying the JW thing isn’t a contributing factor, relationship difficulties are complex and hard to unpick, sometimes we have a tendency to blame the wrong thing.