How to get over being so staggeringly wrong about somebody?

[Darkestdays]

The full back story is on a previous thread but a brief summary is that I was happily married with a toddler and pregnant with our second when I found out my husband was fired for sexual misconduct, which involves him cheating on me with 10+ women that I'm aware of at the moment, probably more. I left him and instigated divorce proceedings. He has been volatile and aggressive and he is someone I always considered a brilliant dad. I really, genuinely believed I had chosen a great dad for my kids. He has lost all interest in them, once he got bored of trying to use them as a weapon against me. He has only met his newborn a handful of times. He doesn't seem to care, at all.

I'm confident in my decision to leave, I know my worth. I'm just a bit stuck on how did I get it so wrong. How did I get caught so off guard. How could I of been so wrong about someone. I've been thinking for weeks about signs, things I might have missed. I just can't see it. I can't see how any of this is possible. I can't see how he did all of that yet kept up the pretence with me. It's disorienting because I have the proof, and I know it happened, but I don't understand it.

I trusted him, I loved him, I thought I'd chose well. I am relatively young, I'm in my late 20s, I hope I still have time to find a husband again. I don't want to be alone forever, although I'm not interested in anything until my kids are a lot older, and one is a newborn. I don't ask because I want to start dating, but because I want to start healing. How can I ever trust my judgement again? After being so wrong? Does that make sense?

I remember your posts. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but just a hand hold and to say you're doing brilliantly, you've gone through so much tough stuff already and absolutely smashed it and I'm sure you'll figure out this aspect of it too

You have done nothing wrong, you have been treated appallingly but don't let it now undermine you and your ability to suss out a wrong 'un. They are clever, he must have been very good at deception....live your life and don't let this experience hold you back...he is not worth it. You did suss him out and you have binned him off...you are doing brilliantly...

It's really hard.

One thing I will say is, sometimes it's good to dig deep into terrible events and learn lessons and find patterns and connect it to our own choices. Sometimes that's the smart thing to do. But sometimes, you know, in life, you just get hit by the hurricane. And there's no particular reason and you can't really learn from it.

Sometimes people are very good at lying -- it's not often, but it happens. Your judgment might be fine. So don't drive yourself mad if you can't figure it out. I speak from experience. Sometimes people are just terrible and there's no deeper meaning.

Take care of yourself

I think a huge amount of this is just about taking time. And let yourself feel how you do, rather than rushing to move on. But time is a great healer, as they say

Perhaps after the divorce and when the dust has settled past the "action phase" of the break up some counselling may help. You need to be able to trust in yourself again.

I remember your previous thread congratulations on your lovely newborn. I'm so sorry for what you have been going through. Have you and the children got good support around you?

You could probably drive yourself crazy wondering why he acted the way he did - he hid that part of himself from you so well that maybe there were no signs to see? He put you in a separate compartment to his 'other self' for as long as he possibly could.

You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you, you absolutely have plenty of time to meet someone else in the future. If I were you, when I felt ready, I might think about having some counseling/therapy to help process it all and find a way to move on positively.

Wishing you all the best.

I've followed your other thread and think you've done phenomenally well. First and foremost you have already done something huge.

Now you are starting to think about the 'why' in it all. As pps have said, time helps hugely as does kindness to yourself. Don't expect huge leaps and bounds immediately. I have had 2 such relationships and honestly now, though they put me through the mill, I do believe they have forced me to do a lot of work on myself. I'm different now, but better for it. It doesn't excuse the lies, deceit and betrayal I experienced, but it is an opportunity to have the life you really want to have.

I'd recommend the Freedom Programme, and also counselling. Both were very helpful for me and also quite difficult in terms of some things I learned about myself. But, that's all part of healing from this shock and trauma, which is how your mind and body will have experienced it. Take time and take care of yourself. You will be OK again and you will trust again.

A friend of mine, an intelligent perceptive woman was taken in by a man like this.
So was everyone else, her friends, family etc
Everyone thought he was lovely, charming and mad about her.
He treated her really well with no hint of a problem until he decided to leave and he didn't need to be nice to her or her people any more.
Then he was a prick.
She was absolutely blindsided as was everyone who knew him through her.
She didn't miss any signs, he didn't give any!
It took a few years for her to regain her confidence but she is now with a wonderful man who makes her very happy.
There are some people like this in the world and you and she were just unlucky enough to be targeted by them.
It is no lack in yourself, look at how well you've dealt with your world being blown apart and be proud.

I suspect he is very charming and lovely also incredibly good at lying with little conscious.

How do you get over being duped? It takes time.

I suspect he duped a lot of people.

Thank you, all. I'm trying to stay positive and am largely doing ok. It's surprised me how well I'm managing in the days. I guess I don't have time to mope with a newborn and a whirlwind toddler. It's just the evenings I sit and dwell on it all and feel so sad. I don't want to be angry and bitter but I feel it. This just isn't what I pictured for myself, obviously, I wanted a family unit, I wanted my kids to have a good father, I wanted to be a team with my husband. I feel bitter that I've been cheated out of that.

For whoever said I've done nothing wrong, thank you for saying that. I think I'm blaming myself for not spotting it, for bringing kids into the situation, for wasting years of my life, for choosing wrong. I feel like I look stupid to those around me. I know people are thinking that I must of known something was up. I'm thinking it too, but I just can't see anything to indicate any of it was happening.

Its hard OP. I felt the same way about dds dad for a long time, still do at times. He didnt cheat but he duped myself and some of his family members significantly, kept us all in little compartmentalised silos to do it. It took years for us all to compare notes and realise how far it spread. I felt for a very long time that my own judgement was obviously suspect. But the fact is they have their ways....and unless you've dealt with someone like that before it wouldn't cross most peoples minds to assume bad faith, cheating, lying, hiding. They are also charming and they can spin plates and divert attention when it suits them. Once the plates stop spinning well, they have no reason to keep the act up and thats when you see it. You were unlucky, really unlucky. It takes a long time. Im 4.5 years out. Met a lovely man. That had its problems for me initially like 'whats wrong with you? Why are you being so nice? What do you want?'. I got therapy.

If you are an honest person who doesn't play games, why would it occur to you that he wasn't? He appeared to be making free choices to be with you, why would you look for signs he was unhappy with the life he built?

Thing is, he was happy. He had you, his home, his DC... and all the other stuff too.

The only thing I can offer is something said on MN quite often, as a way to reassure yourself about people in future- In new relationships try saying no unexpectedly. See what happens. Generally decent people can cope with the occasional 'no'. Love bombers and manipulators cope less well. It's one way to test the waters.

I could have written your post.

They are cold, calculating and don't have a conscience. There will have been victims before you, and there will be after.

It's hard not to be bitter when you feel you've given a perfect family, and know you'd be a great wife, all wasted on some disgusting con man. And now, who ever may come along one day, and could have been so perfect won't be their father. Who you always envisaged your family unit with.

Why me. I ask myself that a lot. I did nothing to deserve it. Neither did you. I see my future now, as a single mother, that will have a husband. Because it's not the nuclear family that should have been if I hadn't been stupid enough to go near their real father, and had them with a decent man.

It wasn't you. You didn't miss anything. Neither did I. It doesn't take away the pain of what these pieces of shit have done. We get one life and they callously destroyed ours and our children's.

The only thing I pray for is karma.

To heal, I purposely spent a long time (years) single. Spent time on my confidence, independence, finances, hobbies, and friends. I wanted to make sure that I could always be happy to live independently if I needed to, and that if ever I let a man into my life again, he wouldn’t be there to “complete” me, but would add value. I had to be sure that I wanted him in my life, and not need him. It took a while, but I think I found him. We started off very slowly, and don’t live together, but he is lovely to have around. I didn’t tell him chapter and verse about his predecessor, but he was aware that the predecessor had left me with trust and judgement issues that I would need to work through, and he’s been very understanding.

You seem incredibly strong to get to where you are but sounds like he was a complete liar, you loved him, you’d only experienced good dad/loving partner behaviour previously from him so had no reason to suspect his other side. I think time and counselling will help. Find a way to distract yourself when you’re having those horrible thoughts. You’re doing brilliantly 💐

In my late teens I was with a bf for 4 years. We split up just before I turned 20 when I found out he had cheated on me with 7 girls in total one of whom I had known from the age of 5 (we started school together and she lived next door to my Nan) we all had mutual friends and they knew too. That was a lot of people looking me in the face lying
I then started a new relationship a few months later. He was a good man, we’re still friends to this day. I never trusted him not for a second. He gave me not one reason to distrust him. He broke up with me a year later because he couldn’t take being accused any longer
It wasn’t until this that I realised that I was allowing a really bad experience to dictate my future
I took 2 years out. I went on holidays, I went out with my friends (my real friends), I enjoyed time getting to know who I was as a person, what I enjoyed, I got heavily into reading and this was great escapism for me. Social media wasn’t a thing back then thankfully which meant I was forced to leave the house and socialise in rl.
My life over the last couple of years has been crap again but that’s just life and not directly linked to an ex’s infidelity or trust issues in general.
You will definitely get there but it will be when you’re ready and no sooner.
You’re doing great and none of this is your fault. Concentrate on you and your lovely babies xx

Honestly OP you couldn’t have known.

There are people who hold big red flags up from the very start of the relationship and they very clearly tell us who they are - and we, being fools in love quite often ignore them or hope we’ll be the ones to “change” them.

But there are also people who are quietly damaged, who hide their issues so well that you’d never guess or imagine that they could be so fucking terrible, until they are.

It’s not for you to second guess everyone, to inspect and analyse every word, action or movement. When you fall in love, you are putting your trust and faith into another. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.

I dont mean to sounds flippant - I’ve had a similar experience being married to someone who hid their true self - but to say, to love is to be vulnerable. It’s to put yourself out there with nothing for protection really. It’s what we do, it’s stupid really when you stop and think about it!

Don’t let this man take your vulnerability and willingness to love. Don’t let him have your future confidence, trust and faith in others.
Don’t let him convince you that even the men who appear “good” will end up being the opposite.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to realise that all of this is on HIM, not you. And certainly not on any future partner of yours.

If you don’t heal from the trauma you’ll take it with you. And that is like letting him screw you over time and time again.

You sound so lovely, very strong and very sensible. You’re going to be ok. Stay strong and remember that this is not your fault, the blame sits squarely with him

As someone said above OP , he clearly wasn't unhappy with you ,he just wanted an additional buzz as well and went about it an a bad way. Sometimes in life there really aren't red flags,theres just a steam train arriving and with no notice. Theres also the issue with some men that theres no grey area, its very black and white abd you are either with them or you aren't and if you aren't, they kind of write you out of history, kids too in many cases. It seems its the only way done can cope mentally when they know full well they've been a total shit.

I am very sorry OP, glad you are out.

You ex sounds like a professional cheat and a liar and they can be hard to spot, especially when you are young and in love. I think to start healing it might be good to get sound counselling for a bit - not deep analysis - but just a structure in which you can work through your feelings and start to rebuild you life.

Other than that I hope you have a good solicitor and are making sure you and the kids get every penny you can to make your lives comfortable.

I haven’t.

When I met my ex he was single and in a great job, perfect bloke kind of thing.

At the end it turned out he was married and had another woman on the side and so so many things he told me had been lies.

I don’t trust. I’m hyper alert to inconsistencies. I dig.

I’ve resigned myself to living alone and staying single because honestly? It’s going to take a pretty unique and special bloke to get through the layers of bullshit.

Like eveningoverrooftops I haven't worked this one out.

I'm generally fairly astute, and can spot when a friend hooks up with a 'wrong 'un', but I've got it completely wrong three time now with my own choices.

Any confidence I had in my judgement for myself has gone, and I've retreated into a sort of fortress lifestyle where I automatically fend off any man who comes anywhere near.

Good luck, it isn't easy. I hope it all comes right for you.

I can really relate to those feelings. My husband didn't cheat but he was not the father I envisaged he would be at ALL. I was utterly convinced he'd be a great father but he really let me down when my DC was a baby. I struggled to contain my bitterness about it. Berated myself for getting it so wrong, but I didn't get it wrong - he manipulated and deceived me. It's not your fault. A incredibly skilled liar with no conscience will dupe even the most careful and intelligent woman.

Op you are doing so well.

Some of us are unlucky to meet/marry disordered individuals who are capable of deceit and are without a conscious. I grew up completely unaware that such people existed - I now know its estimated to be 10-15% of the population. They hide their true selves and when they move on they shut the door on any previous life. I think this is because they can't face up to what they have done but also they want to create a blank sheet to start with someone new.

It is shocking but it isn't you. My family said "hs fooled everyone", it helps a little but it will still hurt.

I'm interested to know if your DH fooled everyone or did your friends and family have, even the slightest inkling, he wasn't how he appeared?
I suspect these people are master manipulators but, having recently judged someone wrongly, it really does knock ones confidence.

OP i feel.for you. How utterly devastating.

In terms of trust, just keep doing what you are doing. Walls and barriers are not needed here. If you were someone that had had successive relationships with violent or coercive men, then maybe your radar was off but, although traumatic, you were not the only person fooled by this man.

Sit tight, enjoy your newborn and child. You have time on your side, for everything; healing, parenting, loving.

I'd only be wary of one thing, your story bringing out 'hero' types. Work on feeling safe, comfortable and confident with you and yours.

This will not define your life. You will. Xx

I'm so very sorry you are going through this.

The confusion must be mind blowing. It is human nature to want to understand why something happened. Sometimes there are no answers.

You will question everything, analyse the past searching for clues as to why, and how you did not see the signs.
Some people are very shrewd at covering tracks, my husband was one, his joy was manipulating any given person in any given circumstance.

He was a fantastic actor, only when the mask had fallen could I see how he had concealed many areas of his life.
Now why he was like that I don't know, but I know he wasn't like that because of me, in fact I believe his long attatchment to me was the part of him that needed to be seen as 'normal and caring'.

He mirrored my behaviour and actions, I don't think he actually had that within him, it was just another act, a performance.

The only thing I did know for sure about him was I just didn't know him, the properties he bought and concealed, the women friends, just the lies that once revealed never stopped.

I do believe his childhood played a big part in his adult life, his fear of telling the truth and wanting to hide things seemed to give his life meaning.

You are still very young and will learn to trust again. Just remember none of this is your fault, nothing could have been done differently.
Your husband will continue to be who he is.
He cannot be changed.
xx