How to get over being so staggeringly wrong about somebody?

[Darkestdays]

The full back story is on a previous thread but a brief summary is that I was happily married with a toddler and pregnant with our second when I found out my husband was fired for sexual misconduct, which involves him cheating on me with 10+ women that I'm aware of at the moment, probably more. I left him and instigated divorce proceedings. He has been volatile and aggressive and he is someone I always considered a brilliant dad. I really, genuinely believed I had chosen a great dad for my kids. He has lost all interest in them, once he got bored of trying to use them as a weapon against me. He has only met his newborn a handful of times. He doesn't seem to care, at all.

I'm confident in my decision to leave, I know my worth. I'm just a bit stuck on how did I get it so wrong. How did I get caught so off guard. How could I of been so wrong about someone. I've been thinking for weeks about signs, things I might have missed. I just can't see it. I can't see how any of this is possible. I can't see how he did all of that yet kept up the pretence with me. It's disorienting because I have the proof, and I know it happened, but I don't understand it.

I trusted him, I loved him, I thought I'd chose well. I am relatively young, I'm in my late 20s, I hope I still have time to find a husband again. I don't want to be alone forever, although I'm not interested in anything until my kids are a lot older, and one is a newborn. I don't ask because I want to start dating, but because I want to start healing. How can I ever trust my judgement again? After being so wrong? Does that make sense?

My friend got married to what I thought was the perfect man. charming, handsome, attentive, made a gushing speech about how much he loved her at the wedding and all the women there were completely taken in by him. My ex when asked what he made of him “He is bellend and this will end in tears and it won’t be his”.

you are normal whereas he’s a manipulative liar

My upbringing was “interesting” but it gave me a very good arsehole radar, whereas DH struggles to spot them.

The fact that you didn’t see what your ex was really like speaks to your decency more than any lacking on your part OP.

All true statements. Take comfort from them OP, but also, now that you've had your eyes opened, educate yourself so you'll never be taken in again

Sometimes people don't even realise they are damaging their relationship by lying. Its a coping mechanism they learnt very young. And it's painful to change our coping mechanisms. He's finding it out now. Maybe he'll change and learn, maybe he won't. I would hesitate to paint anybody black but rather identify skills they lacked. But you can start a new journey with new knowledge. Good luck.

I think I read your post when you found out.
OP is very tough.
It is not your fault at all.
Part of the healing process will be to analize your life together, as you are doing, trying to find the point where it went wrong, and so protect yourself in future. Not to repeat it again.
You have to ride it.
You do sound so strong! This men can be two people, I tell you!
Do not feel guilty OP. You are doing the right thing.

I completely understand why you are asking these questions. It would almost help if you could track back and see signs of what was to come. You could then say 'OK I'd recognise that if it happened again'. But he gave you no signs. He is clearly one of the better liars out there. You've done nothing wrong at all. You have been you all along. Truthful. Trustworthy. Loving. A great wife and mum. You are still you.

You were just very unlucky, and ended up with someone who is an accomplished liar and cheat. You weren't to know. As soon as you did know, you took action. You did the right thing.

I can see why it would drive you mad wondering why he did what he did, and how he was able to cover it up so well, and why he's now gone AWOL and doesn't seem interested in his children.

But the truth is that as a decent person, you won't ever understand what was going on in his mind. And don't let him take up too much more of your life trying.

You have 2 lovely children and you're young. You have every chance of a future happy marriage, when you're ready.